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Im a twice a week user of opiates. my husband was arrested for a crazy drug thing i wont go into but he is on a federal drug program. we didnt use for 3 months then realized that opiates (our drug of choice) was still something we could do and get away with. He has 3 UAs a month but still knows the approx. scheduling and we do stuff twice a week. he mentions this morning that "its going to get really bad if we dont stop". i was totally upset because i already dont use like we used to out of respect for our situation. and i thought that using like we do is pretty commendable.....but i still think about those boring 3 months we didnt use. yes i slept like a baby and was in bed by 9 every night and up by 6 but i was super bored with our existence. so when he goes to prison at the end of the year ill get cleaned up and super bored. fun times. using at least makes me not think about the horrible future...temporarily.

not sure what my question is here but im hoping for something.
 
Im a twice a week user of opiates.
Wow. That takes a lot of self dicipline. When I first realized that I was really addicted to pain killers, the amount I was using wasn't really too too bad. I was able to get completely clean with no withdrawls with just 3 8mg Suboxone over the course of 4 days. A couple months later I decided to get some more PKs because I loved the high. I told myself that I wouldn't do it every day so I wouldn't get addicted again. Besides, I didn't know if I would be able to get the subs again, so I really didn't want to risk it.
After about a week or so after trying my best to do it every third day or second day, I ended up starting to do them everyday. I realized that I was hooked again after I caught myself using one night and then immediately when I woke up. The bad thing was that my connection wasn't 100% reliable.
After a couple of months had gone by, my connection was dry and did not know when everything would be good again. A full day had gone by and less than 48 hours after my last dose those terrible familiar feelings started coming on.
First it was the insomnia. I was wide awake at about 3AM and still didn't have to be up for work for another three hours. When I tried to go to sleep, I would start getting cold sweats and my legs would start thrashing. Then my bowels started to loosen up and I began getting goosebumps all over. Every hair on my body hurt and my joints became incredibly sensitive. Cracking my knuckles felt like I was breaking my own fingers.
I couldn't go on like this and still be functional at work. My only option was a friend I knew from high school. He had been addicted to heroin for as long as I've known him. I was desperate, so I called him up. He was fast with it and it felt so much better than the pills. I sprinted down that terrible path without looking back. I'm currently doing methadone maintenance after trying suboxone again and it failing miserably. I have been clean for over a month now with no cravings.
The point is. I tried the twice a week thing, but the desire for that great feeling more frequently won. Just be really careful, addiction is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I lost my job, my fiance, my apartment, my driver's license, and my car. I live at home with my parents again until I can get back on my feet again, but the damage I did to my life is severe and there's no telling how long it will take to catch up.
 
I think it takes losing just about everything, and even beyond that I think it takes getting to a point where you realize that you don't want to be high or sober. You just want to be. I am also extremely close to throwing away 8 months sobriety, knowing full well what lies ahead, thats the disease, distorted thinking, that will never change for me. Selfish, self-centered self seeking to the extreme isn't even close. My poor mother if I go back out yet still I want what I want and I don't care who I have to run over to get it, including me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. My runs last about two months now before I'm so broke down, up is down inside out and ready to meet my maker, yet the dilusion and the paradox is so great I'll jump right back in in a second. Just another junkies wasted waste, I am the walking dead.
 
NelsonMandela
My story is very similar to yours. I was on suboxone to kick my addiction to opiates. I went to AA/NA meetings and took my anti depressant medication like I should. Everything went fine for two years. I stayed away from everything for two years. I stopped the meetings and my medication for a week, and relapsed. Since this relapse I have had a hard time picking myself back up. But hell at least I'm trying I guess.

I think everyone forgets that just because they left AA/NA, that must have been the reason they relapsed. I don't think it has anything to do with it at all because who made the decision to sotp going to AA? You did. So leaving AA didn't make you relapse, you just didn't want to be sober anymore so you stopped going to AA.

And in my opinion AA is a cult. I'm also not a fan of religion, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt if you wish. Here is more information on it though: http://www.orange-papers.org/

Now I used to go to AA too, so don't think I'm dissing it without actually ever going. I went of my own free will too. I did my steps up until 8, and was honestly planning to finish the rest until one day I happened upon that site. All the things I'd thought were "strange" about AA were all pretty much explained exactly how I thought they really were, but had tried to lie to myself so I could get sober.

Also, one of the most important things I read on that site was the opinion that those who go to AA seeking help were obviously trying to get sober in the first place and would go to great lengths to get sober. The fact people get sober in AA is not because it works, but because when people start going to meetings of their own will, they actually want to get sober! And then they think "OH, AA does work!" Well I agree it's a pretty good environment for it, but it wasn't AA that did all the work, it was the person. AA didn't write 4th step that took hours and hours, the person did. etc. etc. etc.

This is not meant to be anything other than helpful. I truly believe in what I'm saying. And while environment can be key is getting sober, I personally don't think brainwashing myself into believing in god or any higher power to get sober is right anyways. And yes I stayed sober for over a year and a half, but a lot of the time I was MISERABLE. Why? Because I need to be on medication to thrive. Sucks for me, but oh well. I'm tired of living a miserable existence - morals and legality be damned. (Although I'm not a horrible guy, and I rarely do anything illegal.)

I hope this wasn't too off topic everyone, but I think it is important that both sides of a subject be presented.


For my contribution to the thread besides my opinion on AA/religion:
The one truest thing I've found in helping opiate withdrawal dramatically decrease is physical activity! I know it seems like the exact opposite of what an ailing junky wants to do, but it really does help more than almost anything else I've found (besides a supply of benzo's.) I recommend drinking some green tea (or specifically Yerba Mate) and going to play a fast-paced sport like soccer, or basketball. You really do forget you're even in WD. I don't know why it works so well, but I know it's not just me because a girl i used to live with and shoot up with knows the same is true for her. Even having to do chores like rake the leaves with help with WD. So get out there and do something you enjoy that is active!
 
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^^^ AA/NA just puts you in an environment with people who think like you and are attempting to get and STAY sober. I've quit a 1000 times but once my head clears bam right back to it. Junkies def have the shortest memories, and I can glorify a big bag of shit. You get and stay sober because you've had enough and realize that the junk will only make things worse. I don't hate on anyone who can get and stay sober no matter how they do it. A lot of AA/NA is bullshit and so are a lot of the people, but same goes for every other group of people. The yin and yang good in bad in anything. The one universal truth AAers always talk of is Just for Today, shit that applies to anyone addict or not. Live for today, try to be a better human tomorrow you could be gone.
 
I think it takes losing just about everything, and even beyond that I think it takes getting to a point where you realize that you don't want to be high or sober. You just want to be. I am also extremely close to throwing away 8 months sobriety, knowing full well what lies ahead, thats the disease, distorted thinking, that will never change for me. Selfish, self-centered self seeking to the extreme isn't even close. My poor mother if I go back out yet still I want what I want and I don't care who I have to run over to get it, including me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. My runs last about two months now before I'm so broke down, up is down inside out and ready to meet my maker, yet the dilusion and the paradox is so great I'll jump right back in in a second. Just another junkies wasted waste, I am the walking dead.

Sounds like what what my rehab used to say. Bunch of wankers.

I try not to lie to myself anymore. Other people, well, everyone freaks out like it's the apocalypse if you tell them you're using again - so I don't think lying to them is a problem for me. I mean it sucks, and all I want is for people to accept me and my goddamn choices, but that's too much for people I guess. And I'm sure I have a double-standard for that too, but that's because I've never figured out how to fix it. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.

Anyways, I was sober for over a year and a half but left my "rehab" (Cultish BS -IMO) finally because it was obvious the place was full of shit. They always talked about unconditional love, and ego being the source of your problems, etc, etc. What a freak show. I'll be angry at how they warped my brain for the rest of my life. But I'm glad that I at least learned some things about myself...like trying to be someone I'm not is a waste. I'm never going to be able to fully re-invent myself, though I was probably as close as I'll ever get while I was in that cult. But eventually that "rotting shit smell" got too great and I realized where it was coming from and decided to leave, even though I was scared I was going to relapse and die.

Well that's how they always made it seem. But I relapsed and I was fine. And i relapsed again and...I'm still fine. For about a week it got bad because I hung out with a girl I really liked that we used to shoot up together, and so we did speed balls, but I'm still okay. And I don't regret it. I just don't really want to do that again. I do want to get high on occasion though.

So now I just have PST every friday, and that seems to be working pretty well, at least until I can get something to really sustain me from the psychiatrist. I really do need something, because I've never really been a happy person. My life has been quite miserable, and that's no longer okay with me. Sobriety didn't cure that at all. And that's really the reason I got sober in the first place (along with some other things, but obviously that's the most important one to me.)

You seem like you are pretty down man, I think you need to really maybe talk with someone. Maybe a psychologist would help. I never thought they helped, but I don't know. Maybe you need medication like I think I do? What kind I don't know...obviously for me I need something to combat the anxiety, depress, and insomnia. Or at least anxiety/insomnia because that may lessen my depression on it's own. So possibly a benzo.

I feel you on the mom thing though. Which is why I need to keep my mouth shut a little tighter I think. I've told some close friends about me using again but if that ever got back to my mom she'd freak out. She accidentally found out I was drinking by my sister leaving her face book page up. Luckily she hasn't flipped because my sister is trying to chill her out, and because I still have my job, and everything is still going relatively well. I even gave her $500 bucks a week ago just because I thought she could use it, even though I could use it myself.

And my world would crumble if my "adoptive parents" found out. They are the only people who really love me the way I want to be loved, and tell me they are so proud of me, etc. etc. I'd be devastated if they knew I'd done heroin again because I know it would crush them. Sigh. I need to be even more secretive i guess...which sucks, but I need what I need, and I love them. I can't have it both ways. At least not until I get something prescribed that works well enough for me to no longer need drugs to appease this misery.

I'm yammering on, and the PST i made has made me nod out 20x while I've been typing this so let me just say this:

Never lose hope to the point you plan a suicide. EVER. Because unless you've tried EVERYTHING (which you nor anyone else has) you could be killing yourself and hurting your family for a god damn dumb reason. That doesn't mean I don't understand why people do it, because suicidal thinking is a large part of my life. But I mean, I could get on a benzo or the right anti-depressant and I could have a great fulfilling life, or maybe they invent a new drug two years from now that is perfect for my brain chemistry. I mean I don't know. But I just gotta try you know?

I think you should maybe try a psychiatrist. Ask family/friends if they know a good one. Or try to look up some reviews on line, etc. I know the pain you are feeling right now man. You shouldn't have to go through this without help if you need it. By medicines, or just hanging out with your friends and family, or watching comedy movies, or whatever man. Just try to find something that makes you a little happy, then run with it.

Shit, this is some of my lamest advice ever. I'm sorry I can't think well when I keep floating in and out of consciousness.

I hope you find some help. Feel free to hit me up on Aim and we can chat when i can really give you some better advice. :)
 
Man I tell you I'm having a hard fuckin time. I am so damn ready to just say fuck it, despite having a PO and all kinds of other shit. I wanna go back to Jersey where the H is plentiful. My poor mom if I do, shit I know it will be miserable I mean there is no way it would be any different shit I'll probably land my ass in jail. I just don't give a fuck anymore.
 
EH!!!! CORRECTION!!! You said no junkie ever plans to get addicted. I did! I know im crazy. I started using large amounts of hydromorphone, oxycontin and some heroin. Mostly Oxycontin. I was curious about the opiate withdrawel. I will say this though. I was addicted way before i thought i was though. The addiction snuck up on me. I used oxycontin daily for a few months i ran out at one point. The first night without it kinda sucked but the second night...holy shit. I took 3 vicodin and i was still in pain and not even close to being fucked up. HAHA. After 4th of july weekend was my cutoff date. I stuck to it and quit but ya holy hell it was a bitch. =P
 
I've been on opiates for a longgg time now. Its been at minimum 8-10 years since I was really young. For pain reasons, as of right now I'm taking 10, 20, sometimes even 30mg of oxy-ir pills at once three or four times a day. Along with that I take 40mg of opana a day. I take xanax too, but not to the point I'm addicted. When I do take them I take two or three at once or else they don't help at all. I also take 30mg morphine pills and I take maybe 4 of them a day depends on pain. Anyway I'm GOING TO QUIT I already promised myself I am and I'm good about doing what I set out to do. I'm wondering what's the best method to quit, I was thinking of asking my doc for methadone to ween me off. I've gone cold turkey before when I ran out and I can't stand to go through it again plus the fact it's really bad for me. I'm wondering if there's something other then methadone I can ask for, or what works the best really.

By the look of your letter, my advice would be to definetly seek the help of a physician, if you can. You are cross-addicted to so many drugs, that coming off of them without medical help I believe would be dangerous. And just so you know...I wish you alot of luck, because with that list, it sounds like you are going to need it. I'm half way surprised that you could even write. :) And that's coming from a guy who also use to spend his days & nights in a drug induced coma...:) Peace~
 
addicted to opiates, been on suboxone for a year, went from six mg down to one mg in that year. Although I still chip from time to time, I am at peace with making this much forward progress and life stabalization.

Hey-
Just wanted to say good job. I'm presently on one 8mg tab of Sub a day, and have been for almost 2yrs. Stopping this med has been on my mind all the time lately. The way you did it sounds good to me....nice & slow, but done never the less. Do you still take the 1mg daily??

Thanks...

PS Sorry Mods, I forgot to multi-reply to these msgs.
 
Sounds like what what my rehab used to say. Bunch of wankers.

I try not to lie to myself anymore. Other people, well, everyone freaks out like it's the apocalypse if you tell them you're using again - so I don't think lying to them is a problem for me. I mean it sucks, and all I want is for people to accept me and my goddamn choices, but that's too much for people I guess. And I'm sure I have a double-standard for that too, but that's because I've never figured out how to fix it. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.

Anyways, I was sober for over a year and a half but left my "rehab" (Cultish BS -IMO) finally because it was obvious the place was full of shit. They always talked about unconditional love, and ego being the source of your problems, etc, etc. What a freak show. I'll be angry at how they warped my brain for the rest of my life. But I'm glad that I at least learned some things about myself...like trying to be someone I'm not is a waste. I'm never going to be able to fully re-invent myself, though I was probably as close as I'll ever get while I was in that cult. But eventually that "rotting shit smell" got too great and I realized where it was coming from and decided to leave, even though I was scared I was going to relapse and die.

Well that's how they always made it seem. But I relapsed and I was fine. And i relapsed again and...I'm still fine. For about a week it got bad because I hung out with a girl I really liked that we used to shoot up together, and so we did speed balls, but I'm still okay. And I don't regret it. I just don't really want to do that again. I do want to get high on occasion though.

So now I just have PST every friday, and that seems to be working pretty well, at least until I can get something to really sustain me from the psychiatrist. I really do need something, because I've never really been a happy person. My life has been quite miserable, and that's no longer okay with me. Sobriety didn't cure that at all. And that's really the reason I got sober in the first place (along with some other things, but obviously that's the most important one to me.)

You seem like you are pretty down man, I think you need to really maybe talk with someone. Maybe a psychologist would help. I never thought they helped, but I don't know. Maybe you need medication like I think I do? What kind I don't know...obviously for me I need something to combat the anxiety, depress, and insomnia. Or at least anxiety/insomnia because that may lessen my depression on it's own. So possibly a benzo.

I feel you on the mom thing though. Which is why I need to keep my mouth shut a little tighter I think. I've told some close friends about me using again but if that ever got back to my mom she'd freak out. She accidentally found out I was drinking by my sister leaving her face book page up. Luckily she hasn't flipped because my sister is trying to chill her out, and because I still have my job, and everything is still going relatively well. I even gave her $500 bucks a week ago just because I thought she could use it, even though I could use it myself.

And my world would crumble if my "adoptive parents" found out. They are the only people who really love me the way I want to be loved, and tell me they are so proud of me, etc. etc. I'd be devastated if they knew I'd done heroin again because I know it would crush them. Sigh. I need to be even more secretive i guess...which sucks, but I need what I need, and I love them. I can't have it both ways. At least not until I get something prescribed that works well enough for me to no longer need drugs to appease this misery.

I'm yammering on, and the PST i made has made me nod out 20x while I've been typing this so let me just say this:

Never lose hope to the point you plan a suicide. EVER. Because unless you've tried EVERYTHING (which you nor anyone else has) you could be killing yourself and hurting your family for a god damn dumb reason. That doesn't mean I don't understand why people do it, because suicidal thinking is a large part of my life. But I mean, I could get on a benzo or the right anti-depressant and I could have a great fulfilling life, or maybe they invent a new drug two years from now that is perfect for my brain chemistry. I mean I don't know. But I just gotta try you know?

I think you should maybe try a psychiatrist. Ask family/friends if they know a good one. Or try to look up some reviews on line, etc. I know the pain you are feeling right now man. You shouldn't have to go through this without help if you need it. By medicines, or just hanging out with your friends and family, or watching comedy movies, or whatever man. Just try to find something that makes you a little happy, then run with it.

Shit, this is some of my lamest advice ever. I'm sorry I can't think well when I keep floating in and out of consciousness.

I hope you find some help. Feel free to hit me up on Aim and we can chat when i can really give you some better advice. :)

Nodding off, being high, or whatever...that was a really cool letter/job that you did for that person you replied too. And personally? I think you should think about re-connecting with your old recovery-group, as it's obvious the monkey has ahold of you once again, and I'd hate to see what I believe is a really smart, nice, and helpful guy fall back into the dependence and despair of where you just drug yourself out of...but that's only a thought out of some respectful caring, ok? You could really help some people who could use it, but only if you were sober, otherwise it would be ethical bullshit, ya know? Anyway, have a good one, and be careful. Peace~
 
I've been on opiates for a longgg time now. Its been at minimum 8-10 years since I was really young. For pain reasons, as of right now I'm taking 10, 20, sometimes even 30mg of oxy-ir pills at once three or four times a day. Along with that I take 40mg of opana a day. I take xanax too, but not to the point I'm addicted. When I do take them I take two or three at once or else they don't help at all. I also take 30mg morphine pills and I take maybe 4 of them a day depends on pain. Anyway I'm GOING TO QUIT I already promised myself I am and I'm good about doing what I set out to do. I'm wondering what's the best method to quit, I was thinking of asking my doc for methadone to ween me off. I've gone cold turkey before when I ran out and I can't stand to go through it again plus the fact it's really bad for me. I'm wondering if there's something other then methadone I can ask for, or what works the best really.
That's an intense amount of opiates at one time. Your tolerance really is through the roof. I had gotten into a car accident and started taking 5mg IR Oxycodone, about 3 a day only. I had a routine of just taking the 3 in the morning and then just not think about it for the rest of the day. After about a month of doing that I had realized that the 15mg just wasn't cutting it anymore. I had originally just looked for the basics ie: vicoden, percocet, lortab, etc. They were always the low dose pills (5mg, sometimes 7mg). I used to get maybe 20 at a time and it would last me for almost an entire week. At this point, I would need to take all 20 that same day. So I ended up finding the ever-so-popular Roxie's. Thirty MG of straight oxycodone with no fillers. I was spending a fortune on them ($20 ea) and I never had any money left over. I was on about 3 of those a day for about 4 months and one day out of the blue, my guy I was getting them from got robbed and my connection was gone. I was so desperate that I had gotten ahold of a friend of mine that I knew was addicted to heroin. It was all downhill from there. Lost my job, my fiance, my apartment, and my driver's license. It ruined my life. I tried to quit with Suboxone and it failed me miserably. I ended up relapsing and stealing a lot of money from my parents to support my habit. Once I made them go broke, I got in contact with a Methadone Clinic. I've been going there for a couple months now and I swear by it. I feel so much better than I have in a very long time. I have no intention of ever relapsing and I'm finally getting my shit back together. I definitely would recommend the methadone route. Good luck man.
 
Yes, addiction to opiates is a bitch. I used recreationally off and on for many years, which in hindsight was a true testament to my will. Then I found a great source for Oxy 80's and my usage went from once or twice a week to four days a week, then I was using daily. My tollerance quadruppled in the span of a few months, now I use about 160mg's a day to maintain... As of this week though I'm three days clean (can't get reloaded until the end of the week) and feel like shit... like it's the worst case of the flu I've ever had... I'm able to work, but just barely. I've been here before and I know after the fifth day it's all downhill. Normally on the fifth or sixth day I think to myself, do I really want to start again? Or if I do, can I limit myself to twice a week? Every time though I go back to daily usage... I may consider methadone, there is one clinic in my city of 1 million.
 
I may consider methadone, there is one clinic in my city of 1 million.

it's worth it man. Once you take your first dose, you feel 100% better within 20 mins. And compared to your habit, it's a million times cheaper. Most places only charge about $12 a day only. I really recommend it
 
EH!!!! CORRECTION!!! You said no junkie ever plans to get addicted. I did! I know im crazy. I started using large amounts of hydromorphone, oxycontin and some heroin. Mostly Oxycontin. I was curious about the opiate withdrawel. I will say this though. I was addicted way before i thought i was though. The addiction snuck up on me. I used oxycontin daily for a few months i ran out at one point. The first night without it kinda sucked but the second night...holy shit. I took 3 vicodin and i was still in pain and not even close to being fucked up. HAHA. After 4th of july weekend was my cutoff date. I stuck to it and quit but ya holy hell it was a bitch. =P


Are you ten? That post read like a kid banging on a keyboard kicked it out.

Whatever, John F. from the Peppers wanted the same thing, as if there is an extra layer of hipness attached to being dope sick and scrambling for more bags. Now that heroin is in the limelight, local news covering ODs and purity levels, etc., I hope it has an impact on vacant devotees who are willing to destroy themselves for an identity.

In my own experience, I have kicked heroin more times than I can count, be it in a detox or a friend's couch. I thought I was dying the first time--no one filled me in on how painful withdrawal was. Where's the glamor in shitting liquid and being cramped up in a ball? In hindsight, sure, I would not have anything to do with heroin or cocaine (my other problem drug) if I knew what was in store for me.

I have been at this for a while, too long, and like some others have mentioned in the thread, I'm at a loss. Granted, I'm not chasing the drug like I did years ago, however, if it is present I'll fuck up until it's gone and then obsess over it for a few days and fell weak. But I'm not at the point where I can let go of the good things in my life and say fuck it, go after dope. Glad for that.

The question that I would like to present to the thread/members is pretty simple: Is there any relief out there that does not require meeting attendance or church? Has anyone found any kind of peace without subjecting themselves to a 12-step program? If so, please share your experience. I'm not going to disrespect NA or other 12 step groups as they may be providing real help for some people here and I respect that. They were not a good fit (lol) for me and I don't see them helping in the future, I'll leave it at that.

As I get older (33 now), I know that I cannot stay all high all of the time and methadone/Suboxone maintenance is not an option. I am tired of living a disrupted life, needle exchanges and people involved in that seedy, sometimes violent world. Fuck it, I no longer feel part of that subculture and I'm cool with that. However, the real world is not that welcoming-- a lot more attached to that but I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean. I refuse to give up on my life though.

I would appreciate any thoughts, ideas. Thanks guys.
 
Is there any relief out there that does not require meeting attendance or church? Has anyone found any kind of peace without subjecting themselves to a 12-step program?

Other than Suboxone, MMT, or cold turkey, is there really any other options? If so, I haven't heard of it.
 
Other than Suboxone, MMT, or cold turkey, is there really any other options? If so, I haven't heard of it.

LAAM (though it's been discontinued, so I can't say it's an option for everybody), dihydrocodeine, levorphanol. Some doctors in certain countries will prescribe oxycontin or morphine sulfate for these very purposes.

There's also the option of poppy pods, and OTC codeine products.
 
There's also the option of poppy pods, and OTC codeine products.

That's only contributing to the problem. I've used some desperate methods back in the days of being sick. From making a cold tea from 2 poppy seed shakers from the grocery store, to downing a bottle of immodium AD.... MMT seems to work wonders for me to keep me from getting sick. It just sucks that methadone is just as addicting and as hard to get off of. I just wish there was a 3-5 day method to ween you off with no symptoms.... Until then I guess I'll just keep wishing
 
That's only contributing to the problem. I've used some desperate methods back in the days of being sick. From making a cold tea from 2 poppy seed shakers from the grocery store, to downing a bottle of immodium AD.... MMT seems to work wonders for me to keep me from getting sick. It just sucks that methadone is just as addicting and as hard to get off of. I just wish there was a 3-5 day method to ween you off with no symptoms.... Until then I guess I'll just keep wishing

Have you tried Suboxone?
 
The question that I would like to present to the thread/members is pretty simple: Is there any relief out there that does not require meeting attendance or church? Has anyone found any kind of peace without subjecting themselves to a 12-step program? If so, please share your experience. I'm not going to disrespect NA or other 12 step groups as they may be providing real help for some people here and I respect that. They were not a good fit (lol) for me and I don't see them helping in the future, I'll leave it at that.

As I get older (33 now), I know that I cannot stay all high all of the time and methadone/Suboxone maintenance is not an option. I am tired of living a disrupted life, needle exchanges and people involved in that seedy, sometimes violent world. Fuck it, I no longer feel part of that subculture and I'm cool with that. However, the real world is not that welcoming-- a lot more attached to that but I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean. I refuse to give up on my life though.

I would appreciate any thoughts, ideas. Thanks guys.

There are non 12-step recovery options. Here in Australia our government mandates the practice of harm minimisation in all public detox / rehabs / outpatient & outreach services, so the good ol 12 steps don't get the same plugging as in the States.

Unfortunately though the best option for opiate addiction in our harm min model is Suboxone. If you go into a public detox in Australia to come off the gear, they much rather you LEAVE the detox stabilised on suboxone than leave the place completely clean. This is because too many people would leave the detox, use again on a lower tolerance, drop & die.

I too don't like suboxone. My liver metabolizes it too fast that even high doses don't seem to hold me.

What's worked the best for me in the past is long term rehab in a therapeutic community environment like Odyssey House, Phoenix, WHOS (We Help Ourselves). I've been able to manage long stints of total abstinence from putting myself through a TC. Have you done this before? I can't recommend it more.

I relapsed recently after 13 months up. I know how strong the compulsion to use in the first 90 days is. Personally it's impossible for me to get through the first 60-90 days unless I'm either locked up, in an institution or somewhere there is no heroin. However because of commitments in my city at the moment I can't drop everything and go back to rehab in the country.

So my plan is to do a detox in 2 months during mid-semester break and go DIRECT from the detox to the clinic on the other side of town to get a 6 month naltrexone implant. Have you looked at naltrexone as an option?
 
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