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sewerslide.666mg

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 12, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
Valhalla
I just resent being born to working class immigrant parents from Latin America tbh...like why couldn’t I be born a rich American kid so I could...IDK, be actual hipster trash instead of pretend poor af hipster trash...
i didnt know u are a immigrant, i think that's cool, but id rather have be poor with a good heart than mad money and a shit hear/ personality, ive always gotten along with " minorities" im white ive ways been an outsider, a mexician dude was one of the first person to be nice to me when i got onto the pod in jail, and a black cell mate, " anything u want kid im my box just ask, nicest cellie ive had, very respectfull,
i think ur a nice person, sometimes the struggle is real but helps shape us, i cant compare my struggle to an immigrant i can only image, but i beleve immigrants are strong as fuck all the bull shit they been through to get here and the shit from the idiot privileged raicest assholes that live here, i enjoy talking to u stay strong ✊😊
 

Cudi

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
187
some things have taken a turn for the worst and my decisions have caused a snowball effect to make the worst things exponentially worse. i relapsed a couple days ago. i have enough downers to take me out of this world it could be so simple. 100+mg clonazolam, a few hundred mg of ambien, 50mg klonopin, grams on grams of gabapentin, phenibut, ive got the things needed. why continue. i quit. hope does not exist, only an illusion of how things could maybe get better but it's illusory. im my own worst enemy, cant even look at myself in the mirror. cant take care of myself, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do my job at my full capacity. i am at such a low point, surprised i made it this far. fuck existence fuck money fuck drugs fuck it all. id rather just be nothing, energy gone from this plane of existence and onto the next. or it's all a black nothingness which sounds great too. sounds like a win win. i dont care who it would affect, thats how fucked in the head i am. selfish, greedy, impatient, impulsive, demons that have been lingering for years, no end in sight to those demons. im a horrible horrible person inside. i do nothing but cause problems for me and everyone around me. it'd be a favor to the universe

EDIT update: think im gonna take 120mg of MDMA to boost my spirits. If i had acid on hand id take a tab, maybe i have some layin around here ill look.
today ive taken: 40mg adderall, 1mg klonopin, 1mg clonazolam, 400mg gabapentin. Not much sleep, the mdma could very well put me in cardiac arrest but fuck it that would fullfill the plan i guess
 
Last edited:

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
some things have taken a turn for the worst and my decisions have caused a snowball effect to make the worst things exponentially worse. i relapsed a couple days ago. i have enough downers to take me out of this world it could be so simple. 100+mg clonazolam, a few hundred mg of ambien, 50mg klonopin, grams on grams of gabapentin, phenibut, ive got the things needed. why continue. i quit. hope does not exist, only an illusion of how things could maybe get better but it's illusory. im my own worst enemy, cant even look at myself in the mirror. cant take care of myself, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do my job at my full capacity. i am at such a low point, surprised i made it this far. fuck existence fuck money fuck drugs fuck it all. id rather just be nothing, energy gone from this plane of existence and onto the next. or it's all a black nothingness which sounds great too. sounds like a win win. i dont care who it would affect, thats how fucked in the head i am. selfish, greedy, impatient, impulsive, demons that have been lingering for years, no end in sight to those demons. im a horrible horrible person inside. i do nothing but cause problems for me and everyone around me. it'd be a favor to the universe

I know words can ring hollow when you feel like this, but please try and keep your head up. You will always be your own worst critic, and although I don't know your story, we all have one and it can get overwhelming at times. Know at least that you are not alone. Feel free to message me if you would like someone to vent further to in private. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I will move your thread over to the Suicide Support thread in this forum, there are plenty of Bluelighters that have been where you are and come out the other side alright so please dont give up hope!
 

Cudi

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
187
dropping the mdma right now, will be in company of friends and seroquel + benzos will be on deck in case things get dicey , wish me luck
 

Cudi

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
187
I know words can ring hollow when you feel like this, but please try and keep your head up. You will always be your own worst critic, and although I don't know your story, we all have one and it can get overwhelming at times. Know at least that you are not alone. Feel free to message me if you would like someone to vent further to in private. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I will move your thread over to the Suicide Support thread in this forum, there are plenty of Bluelighters that have been where you are and come out the other side alright so please dont give up hope!
Im not giving up just yet but the molly comedown could be dangerous
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
Im not giving up just yet but the molly comedown could be dangerous

You are right. Might wanna be careful but at least you've something to come down with. Definitely tread with caution though either way, especially if you're feeling this way.
 

Cudi

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
187
You are right. Might wanna be careful but at least you've something to come down with. Definitely tread with caution though either way, especially if you're feeling this way.
Miraculously the MDMA i think talked some sense into me. Feeling much better than yesterday, although i know molly can have a delayed hangover that kicks in a few days after. But wow, I realized some shit during my roll.. Incredible substance it is
 

ibtisam midlet

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2019
Messages
591
Location
this scare the shit outta me
Art and music
:oops: there a small-big something that normal people can't understand, if you have depression you will not able to enjoy art and music and daily activity because your reward system will not reward you for them, depression is strongest illness i faced in my life, antidepressant tend to make you able to enjoy music and empathy (SSRIs) but they loss significant effect after 1 year and leave you with barely noticeable effect in long term.
 

w01fg4ng

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 28, 2009
Messages
11,433
Location
In your head
:oops: there a small-big something that normal people can't understand, if you have depression you will not able to enjoy art and music and daily activity because your reward system will not reward you for them, depression is strongest illness i faced in my life, antidepressant tend to make you able to enjoy music and empathy (SSRIs) but they loss significant effect after 1 year and leave you with barely noticeable effect in long term.
I don't mean the consumption of art/music, I mean the creation of it.

Depression is an endless source of creativity for me. Double-edged sword because now that I'm not intensely depressed my music/art kind of sucks.
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
No one's posted here in a little bit, I wanted to just check in and see how everyone's feeling? Hopefully the cold and winter isn't dragging anybody down too much now.
 
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