Relationships

[punch e punch]

I've come to realise that the secret to a good, equal relationship is when you want to be with someone, but know you don't need to.

You should always feel that you can *leave at any time*. That you will be okay. From that comes TRUE commitment, because your choice to stay comes from free will, not dependence.

When you know you can leave, it brings a whole new level to your communication. You keep your personal integrity intact - for example you're not afraid to say "No, I won't do that", or "I won't allow you to speak to me that way", because hey - you have options. You have the balls to set boundaries with each other, and nip manipulation and stupid games in the bud.

Oh so true. Wise words SLM %) I think many an abuse victim has stayed in many a bad relationship because they didn't have that kind of wisdom.

 

[shal]

Papermate, I feel your pain my friend. My standards for a long-term relationship are reasonably high too. I don't count myself as ugly or desperate either, but I don't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I did that once and it was a huge mistake. The worst relationship ever experienced.

I mean I see plenty of nice looking female around but the personality, or the way she carries herself is never there. I also don't want to end up with some depressed or unstable female who becomes completely reliant on me. Actually, I wan't someone who has minimal issues and is happy in life, career focused, on track, reasonably away from drug usage, enjoys doing the normal more finer things in life! Also someone who has there own thoughts and opinions about things, someone will will debate for what she believes in.

It's hard to find that balance in anyone I think. We are all individuals, all have our own problems and misconceptions. It's that real clicking thats hard to find...

I certainly know the type of females I DON'T want to end up with, but then again I don't know if I really know the type of female I want to be with.... Eeeeeeh.. It's all to hard :D

What are looks if you end up dating a fruitcake? - Hahaha.

I think it's about not looking to much, just letting it happen when it does. It comes from no where... and all of a sudden you meet this amazing person and it works.

Then again, I know some people who PINE a relationship, you can smell the desperation on them... So so sad...

shals :D

We must be happy on our own before we can be happy with anyone else...

 

[Taliana]

Thanks for the kind words up all nght and sunflower, both princesses! I was having a feel sorry for me day.

 

[anna!]

Originally posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin
I've come to realise that the secret to a good, equal relationship is when you want to be with someone, but know you don't need to.

You should always feel that you can *leave at any time*. That you will be okay. From that comes TRUE commitment, because your choice to stay comes from free will, not dependence.

When you know you can leave, it brings a whole new level to your communication. You keep your personal integrity intact - for example you're not afraid to say "No, I won't do that", or "I won't allow you to speak to me that way", because hey - you have options. You have the balls to set boundaries with each other, and nip manipulation and stupid games in the bud.

You can stand up for yourself, are free to be who you are, because you have options. You know you won't emotionally distintegrate if the relationship fails. That's the best position to be in... and believe me I've been in both.

Part (okay, most) of the problem with my wonderfully dysfunctional marriage is that I don't feel like I could leave any time and be okay. I feel completely dependent on him because I'm a full-time student, we have quite a lot of debt (although as we pay that off, I feel more and more like I'd be okay on my own), he pays for everything, he drives and I don't (even though I technically own the car), etc. I find it hard to sleep on my own, I don't like being at home by myself, I don't know how to cook for one.. the list goes on.

I try to explain to him that I think some time apart from him would be good for me, just to collect my thoughts and rediscover who I am as an individual and not part of a couple, but he's too stubborn and he won't stand for it at all. And the more he doesn't let me be my own person, the more I want to be my own person, just to prove to myself that it's possible.

It's almost as though every time he convinces me I can't leave, another notch goes on my "leave him leave him!" tally. One day it's all going to explode in a giant thunderball and I'm just going to take my baby and my car and run away and never return. What he doesn't seem to realise is that if I had some time to myself now, it would be more likely to have a positive effect on our relationship. The more time that passes with me feeling like I'm trapped, the more likely I am to just flee and cherish my freedom if I ever manage to get away for a few days.

Excuse my rant. I'm in a funk.

 

[shal]

Something I always try and remember....

Relationships are reciprocal!

shals :D

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Part (okay, most) of the problem with my wonderfully dysfunctional marriage is that I don't feel like I could leave any time and be okay. I feel completely dependent on him because I'm a full-time student, we have quite a lot of debt (although as we pay that off, I feel more and more like I'd be okay on my own), he pays for everything, he drives and I don't (even though I technically own the car), etc. I find it hard to sleep on my own, I don't like being at home by myself, I don't know how to cook for one.. the list goes on.

I try to explain to him that I think some time apart from him would be good for me, just to collect my thoughts and rediscover who I am as an individual and not part of a couple, but he's too stubborn and he won't stand for it at all. And the more he doesn't let me be my own person, the more I want to be my own person, just to prove to myself that it's possible.

It's almost as though every time he convinces me I can't leave, another notch goes on my "leave him leave him!" tally. One day it's all going to explode in a giant thunderball and I'm just going to take my baby and my car and run away and never return. What he doesn't seem to realise is that if I had some time to myself now, it would be more likely to have a positive effect on our relationship. The more time that passes with me feeling like I'm trapped, the more likely I am to just flee and cherish my freedom if I ever manage to get away for a few days.

Excuse my rant. I'm in a funk.

May I recommend a book for you. Don't ask questions, just buy it. Or borrow it, or steal it. Hell, I'll lend you my copy. Just READ it.

The Men's Room by Toby Green with Ray Welling (Random House).

It will help you understand why your partner is being the way he is, and understand your reactions to it, so you can make a choice to either leave, or accept your situation, changed or not (either choice is quite valid). Either way you will feel less out of control. It is truly brilliant. It's actually written for men, but the way it's expressed absolutely floors you with it's insight into the male brain. (yes there's more to it than we think )

I'd actually extend that invitation to anyone in this thread - male or female - I usually believe "self-help" books are a crock of shit, but this one is different. A lot of my so-called "wisdom" in SLR has come from it. So please, trust me.

You'll be ok anna, you know yourself better than to ever get into the situation of losing yourself completely. You're just overwhelmed at the moment, and your choices are based on a miriad of very complex factors. Don't feel bad because you choose to stay. Just remember it's a choice.

 

[ashaman]

I would love to read it

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

I just want to get married and cut the dating bullshit. I have dated more guys than I could possibly ever count and I am over it. I know what I want and its there in my face, but due to immaturity I cant have it yet. I am over dating fuckwit guys, I am over dating altogether. When I recently became single I picked up a few guys when out, nothing major, just a snog chat and number, but because I know how tedious the dating game is, I never called any of them. I also know what works with me and what doesnt. I can meeet a guy and after 5 minutes know if I will want to be with them in 5 months. Its a fine art you know, culling competition.

I dont want to date. I want to get married.

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

Part (okay, most) of the problem with my wonderfully dysfunctional marriage is that I don't feel like I could leave any time and be okay. I feel completely dependent on him because I'm a full-time student, we have quite a lot of debt (although as we pay that off, I feel more and more like I'd be okay on my own), he pays for everything, he drives and I don't (even though I technically own the car), etc. I find it hard to sleep on my own, I don't like being at home by myself, I don't know how to cook for one.. the list goes on.

I try to explain to him that I think some time apart from him would be good for me, just to collect my thoughts and rediscover who I am as an individual and not part of a couple, but he's too stubborn and he won't stand for it at all. And the more he doesn't let me be my own person, the more I want to be my own person, just to prove to myself that it's possible.

It's almost as though every time he convinces me I can't leave, another notch goes on my "leave him leave him!" tally. One day it's all going to explode in a giant thunderball and I'm just going to take my baby and my car and run away and never return. What he doesn't seem to realise is that if I had some time to myself now, it would be more likely to have a positive effect on our relationship. The more time that passes with me feeling like I'm trapped, the more likely I am to just flee and cherish my freedom if I ever manage to get away for a few days.

Excuse my rant. I'm in a funk. [/B]

I really hope you find it in yourself to be true to your needs. That sounds like an incredibly sticky situation, one that you just cant get up and go at any minute. If you listened to your head and heart and did what you needed to to discover yourself again, you would be top of my list of inspirational people. And if you dont figure out who you are now, you may never get that opportunity, and experience the perils of a mid life crisis.

Good luck to you Anna, I hope you find yourself and be true to your needs .

 

[papermate]

I just met the most awesome chick the other night. At a business function and she did everything to keep the conversation going. I was basically dumbfounded and coulndt say anything. All i could think was this hot chick was hitting on me out of 100 people. So i just drank wine and nodded said the occassional hmm...yess.. etc.

Whats worse: saying stupid things, or not saying anything.
or saying one or two stupid things then not saying anything because you realise everything you are saying is stupid.

 

[up all night]

^ haha As I realised on Tuesday... it's fine to act like a 16 year old school girl lost for words but at least remember to ask his fucking name!

*walks off mumbling and kicking herself*

But yes, that was slightly tangental. Ummm, I would say... nothing is best. Not many people tolerate fools but a lot of people may think a quiet person is mysterious and want to bring you out of your shell.

Either that or they'll think you're a boring prat.

 

[diegoblunt]

nah, they think you are a good listener! :D

 

[doofqueen]

I dont want to date. I want to get married.

why? dating is the fun part and that's all over whne you get married. Marriage is an institution and i'm far too young for an institution

note* i've never been married and i realise it's all about finding the right partner of your "dreams" and that all the sweetness etc does not nessassarily stop when your married and bla bla fucking bla...whatever 8)

anyway...i myself am over being over being single. I have come to the realisation that my life basically rocks (apart from being quite moneyless but i'm used to that) I have a great bunch of friends, my education towards my career is slowly progressing and i'm keeping on top of things (mostly) I love my social circles (and i have quite a few different ones) I love my lifestyle. I have the most sweetest and beautiful son any mother could ever hope for.I have great sex on tap IF i want it whenever i feel like it hehehe My family and friends love me. I finally feel it's ok that i can paint and do my own art when before i felt guilty and i should be doing more "important" things. I don't need or want a partner to share my life with (although if one came along that i had a massive connection with that would be great but i'm not looking anymore...even though i subconciously wasn't...err right) and i'm happy what more could a girl ask for really?

 

[SkiNLaB]

It's like kicking a dead horse day after day. What's the point?

I wouldnt mind kicking a dead horse. itd be pretty weird and interesting...


in saying that, im a relationship guy, thinking about converting tho

 

[SkiNLaB]

I just want to get married and cut the dating bullshit. I have dated more guys than I could possibly ever count and I am over it. I know what I want and its there in my face, but due to immaturity I cant have it yet. I am over dating fuckwit guys, I am over dating altogether. When I recently became single I picked up a few guys when out, nothing major, just a snog chat and number, but because I know how tedious the dating game is, I never called any of them. I also know what works with me and what doesnt. I can meeet a guy and after 5 minutes know if I will want to be with them in 5 months. Its a fine art you know, culling competition.

I dont want to date. I want to get married.

Want to go on a date?

I've never been on a 'date'. (been in a long term thing for around the last 5 yrs, im 21 now)
I hate the whole idea! potentially so much awkwardness, expectation, pressure 2 get on, lol. I'm def just the kind of guy that would like to be friends first and then hope something sparks...

 

[Adikkal]

^^^ Dude, please take it from me that the 'friend' route is a BAD tactic. Once you establish yourself in the friend category its damn hard to get out of and you end up wasting far too much time musing over the possibilities with this one girl. You develop a crush and become a slave to your emotions, abandoning logic. Put simply, if you have a romantic interest in a girl then act that way towards them. I don't mean TELL them you have feelings for them (you don't wanna be saying that straight up to someone, it should be reflected in your behaviour)

*BEEN THERE DONE THAT - LESSONS LEARNED*

Flirt with them, from the get go act interested, don't be afraid to show you like them because if you take the other option of positioning yourself as a friend you'll slide down into a hole. Once your in there, no doubt you'll resort to the old human tactic of "digging your way out". Humans have a nasty habit of falling into patterns of behaviour which are NOT good for them, yet they will repeat these and stick to them with such vigilance because they are comfortable.

Trust me man, the friend route will result in you becoming hung up over a girl emotionally, not getting any satisfaction and wasting a whole lot of time entertaining the possibility of it evolving into something more. Once you realise this, you'll be better off. There are PLENTY of women around. How often do you see a woman that takes your fancy? Several times a week no doubt. How often do you talk to said women?
Thats the gap that needs to be bridged.

I am working on it myself. I'm sick of missed opportunities because of an overacting voice inside making excuses and reasoning instead of just acting.
"Mmm shes fine, I should go talk to her.... Yeah, i should, OK, i will... later, she prolly wouldnt talk to me anyway, and shes with her friends, she might have a boyfriend, ahh shes gone now anyway"
FUCK THAT. You gotta be in it to win it. You just gotta get over the fear of rejection and slip into you confident boots 24/7, if you get shut down then OHH WELL, at least you had to balls to do something about it in the first place.

"Its better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do"

Adikkal

 

[doofqueen]

^^ personally i think dating someone who you consider a friend would be a better way to start a relationship rather then starting to see someone you just met. Aren't relationships based on friendship? or should be anyway?

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Addikal: agreed. Friend territory is a no-go. Not when you want more, anyway. Just be honest...... you can be friends after she knocks you back

 

[Adikkal]

It's nice to think that doofqueen, and it would be much easier if it were true. What i'm saying is that first impressions are very important and if you meet a girl and decide to become her friend for ages, then hoping it might evolve into something more, unless she also really likes you it is quite likely that in her mind you are going to be filed in the 'friend' category.

"You're so sweet, caring, compassionate and a great listener, but we're too good of friends, i wouldn't want to mess that up"

Sound familiar guys?

TRANSLATION: I am not sexually attracted to you.

This is not to say its impossible to go from friend to bf/gf but i'm just saying its not an effective or time efficient tactic. If you meet a girl that you really connect with and are sexually attracted too then position yourself as a potential lover. Don't approach it with the idea that you'll become her good friend and then eventually she'll wake up and see you're the caring/loving boyfriend material she wants. Because, by being her friend you are giving her all the qualities of a good boyfriend but none of the intimacy because you are positioned as 'just a friend'. People want a CHALLENGE.

Correct if i'm wrong ladies but the long time friend who you know has a crush on you and would do anything for you is not a sexually attractive option, for the fact that they are easy to get.

Its the "Nice Guy Syndrome". From those singles threads i remember reading stuff from many guys: they were nice, courteous, caring, compassionate, treated women like queens and they got no lovin. The reason? Those are not sexually attractive characteristics. They would sit listening intently, spending hrs upon hrs with their girl 'friend' who they adored, having long in depth talks, consoling her in times of trouble - she would tell them how much of a nice guy they are then go off and fuck the confident and mysterious guy who toys with her.

Nice Guy gets led on, thinking that he's making progress by getting the occasional extended hug, a thoughtful touch on the knee whilst Mr Mysterious gets the action.

I am not advocating being an asshole, no, not at all. What i am saying guys is don't be an emotional doormat. If what you are doing isn't working, do SOMETHING DIFFERENT. If you have a history of several ladies you were romantically interested in telling you that you are too good of friends then check yourself, is this what you want? Re-examine your tactics.

Remember, everyone wants a challenge.

Adikkal

 

[doofqueen]

Well i am one of the girls that like the nice guys and i would date a friend over a random pick up anyday