Relationships

[haste]

Catax and Taliana - I'm glad I'm not the only one in this boat

I think one of my problems is that I can tend to be over critical on people - I thinks its a bad fault to have and I've been trying to work on this. I mean everything is a risk and its fine to be cautious, but I don't think you'll ever get to know someone if you don't drop your guard and let them in.

Easier said then done. I guess one of my issues is that I also have to consider my son as part of the mix, and in reality he is part of the mix. Let me also tell you that signle dads also have a stigma like single mums - I know not everyone is like that, but you'd be suprised how many people have flown the other way when they realise I have a kid. Its not easy for someone to accept the responsiblity of someone elses child. Though I don't want someone to be his mother, he has a mother, there still is some responsibility there.

Things aren't always so simple, or I have a habit of making the complicated - I'm not sure

 

[syntech]

i'm happy either way.

i never went out looking for a boyfriend cos i'm quite happy doing my own thing. then when the right person came along it was like "where have you been all my life?" and he just slotted in so nicely with everything that i cant think how my future would have been without him.

interesting.

but all you ppl woefully single, remember "the more you look, the less you find"

so so true

 

[Taliana]

When I am in one I generally end up stuffing it up in the first two wks and pushing people away.

ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto... i havent had a relationship lasting longer than 4 months. Thats really bad. Most of mine are 3 weekers and by the third week ive totally pushed them away... Then im happy again.

ITS A CRAP CYCLE. And i dont know how to fix it. But i honestly think if the guy was right, i wouldnt need to push them away. *shrugs*

 

[muzby]

yup taliana haste cyntex... i'm completely there......

i have something good, then throw it away..... then long lor a relationship again...

but in terms of the original question....

sexwise, i'm definately a relationship person...

 

[ButrosButros_Grantos]

Syntech, for some unknown reason, I thought you were male... Wierd, sorry I'm going to need to go get my head together now...

 

[up all night]

You deleted your ever so impressive statistics muzby. Whatever for?

I'm a relationship person... it's something I'm trying to change [and I'm not really referring to sex]. I have this unhealthy need to feel loved and seek out that validation from my significant other. Unfotunately I think that means I often date people I'm not entirely compatible with.

I'd love to be one of those strong independant people who don't seem to need anyone.

 

[anna!]

I'm an ultimate serial monogamist too I started dating my first serious boyfriend when I was 15 and since then have been single for a total of.. 3 weeks. I love being in stable, secure (not necessarily exciting or even happy) relationships and I've never been the sort to flit between boyfriends or sleep around.

I don't know if that's because the first guy I dated (who was older than me) was also a serial monogamist and just taught me to grow in that direction, or whether it's because that's just how I am. Everyone in my family seems to be like that really - my nanna met gramps when she was 14 and they've been married for 56 years, and mum met my dad when she was 16 and they've been married 33 years.

Whilst I'm not sure if I give my own marriage that much staying power (though I hope it works out that way, of course), I'm committed to any and every relationship I'm in and always seem to end up as the one who gets hurt. I'd put money on the fact that this trend would continue in the future, if applicable.

 

[Riot Grrrl]

As Jeff Buckley put it: "Too young to hold on, and too old to just break free and run"

I always thought i was born in the wrong era. Just like Strawberry lovemuffin, I'm a romatic & idealist, through and through.
I couldn't think of anything more intimate (in a social setting) than being taken by the hand, wrapped up against and dancing endlessly to 60's rhythm & blues, The Smiths/Morrisey, or even Nick Cave ballads. To find a guy with humility, integrity, charisma, a sense of humor/cheekiness and yet be able to swollow his pride & show different forms of affection than ramming his tongue down your throat! *I'm asking for alot aren't I?*

So If my heart/their heart is not in it, whats the point? Need to give & receive that wholeness, passion, pleasure, stableness, with a sense of serenity that comes with it, i need to feel a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!! Thats what i'm talkin bout!

To be escalated in such greatness of love that you walk around with the most stupidist grin plastered all over your face, the thought of loneliness & break-up never enters your mind because you've given yourself to that other half & with that you take the chance of feeling an eternal sadness if your heart ends up being broken in the proccess.

Does it sound like i've been in love?
Am i still dwelling in a sense of eternal sadness?: Yep.. and if it leads me to everything i've described above then it's more than worth it.
Where did it all come from?: Past relationships and the way emotions strongly control my walk in life

 

[stacyrox]

I've experienced both sides of the coin and I'm not entirely sure nowdays where I fit in really.

I've been in a relationship where my partner worshipped the ground I stood on. We were together for 3 years, going to get married.. all that kind of stuff. But I was growing up, in that time I learnt about life and what it had to offer and our ideals went in completely opposite directions. It taught me the lesson that not matter how great it seems at the start, a few years down the track things can be very different.

On the other side, I've tried the casual thing. It was good at the time, its nice to have a bit of fun after something so serious as my previous relationship. However, I learnt I cant separate emotion from sex. I've had my fair share of one night stands and weekend flings, but never with someone I havent had feelings for previously. Sex to me is not a commodity. Its an enjoyable part of life, but not a necessary one. Infact I find it makes me weak and stupid. I'm ashamed of the lengths I've gone to for someone I know cares very little for me. I was bought up being taught that sex is something you have with your husband, and your husband alone. Its a beautiful thing, not to be thrown around as people do. I've tried to get into the whole 'groove' of people today.. sex is sex and nothing more. But its just not me. I've experienced sex for the sake of purely getting off, and its not at all enjoyable.

I really dont know what I want right now. Its been a long time since I've been in a real relationship where feelings are reciprocated. I dont mind having a break from everything for a while and just taking everything in with the perspective that I have. People talk of 'connection' which I completely believe in. Its just unfortunate circumstances dictate that the 2 boys that I have completely fallen in love with for that reason are unattainable right now, and possibly always. I dont think theres only one person out there for us.. we need different people at different times, and we cant truely find that perfect person for us if we dont already know entirely what we want.

stace.

 

[doofqueen]

Easier said then done. I guess one of my issues is that I also have to consider my son as part of the mix, and in reality he is part of the mix. Let me also tell you that signle dads also have a stigma like single mums - I know not everyone is like that, but you'd be suprised how many people have flown the other way when they realise I have a kid. Its not easy for someone to accept the responsiblity of someone elses child. Though I don't want someone to be his mother, he has a mother, there still is some responsibility there.

Yeah this is one of my issues too being a full time sole parent. (you don't have your son every day though do you? i imagine that would be easier for women to deal with? just going off my sons fathers girlfriend and she only having to be "step mum" on weekends) And women are more open to having a partner with a child then most blokes are.

When i start dating someone they have to take on me and my child as a part of heir lives which i understand would be a bit tough and i like you don't expect a partner to be his father because he already has one. Just a friend to him that accepts that no matter what my son will ALWAYS come before them.

Although i have found that it's not that much of an issue because i get only "the good ones" because they like me and accept that i'm a mum number one and the ones that don't accept it obviously are not worth it. Having a child kind of weeds out the ones that are crap (so to speak ) I only end up dating guys that really like me and are willing to put in the effort and time

I'm sure lot's run away when they know i do have a child and i don't even know it but it's their loss really because me being a mum doesn't make me any less desirable to date (i think) but rather just means they have more to take on and think about 8(

 

[haste]

^^ yeah very true, I don't know the full sting as you do doofqueen, cause I do only have him on the weekends.

I've always thought part of the issue is that the kid(s) acts as a permanent reminder of the past your partner has had, especially when the ex-partner is still in your life. - I know it sounds pretty immature and petty, but sometimes it can be an issue I guess?

 

[doofqueen]

^^^it is such an issue with my sons fathers gf...they have been dating for six years now and she hates me for the sheer fact that 1) i am his first love 2) we dated for six years 3) i am the mother of his first child 4) we will always have contact

four reasons that she will never be able to change and she is also worried that because of all those reasons he might come back to me. She's very paranoid and insecure but why hate me just for that? I would think after six years of dating him she would be over it

 

[haste]

Yeah you would think after all that time her fears and insecurities would have disapeared - but I guess she see's your son as a bigger link than what she presently has with him, or have they got kids?

 

[doofqueen]

No they have no kids and from what he tells me she is not the motherly type at all and doesn't even want children

 

[phase_dancer]

Friends always make the most special lovers in my experience. Whether that's one at a time or all in one bed together

For most people, such a view will never be understood. For others it takes sometime to appreciate what the actual implications are of sleeping with someone you've known for years as a mate. Some people can also never seem to shake the moral conscience drummed into us as children.

It certainly has something to do with how much you've thought of that person sexually before the chance arrives. One or two fab encounters usually results in your predictions becoming spot-on. It doesn't mean you have to fuck all your friends, on the contrary, but it does develop an openness that permits intimacy on any level to be just as rewarding.

Disappointment? Maybe at age 16, but these days I can honestly say that for me there is no such thing when speaking in a sexual context. As for long term relationships; well the golden rule observed seems to be - if you aren't best mates at the beginning, chances are there will be no long term.

A rather bland overview perhaps, but the objective is to briefly describe an end result, not so much how to get there

As CJ Bolland says; Sugar is Sweeter -

 

[muzby]

You deleted your ever so impressive statistics muzby. Whatever for?

cause i noticed that no one else was talking along the same lines and didnt wanna seem like i was bragging....

but i can always put em back up if u want...

 

[neverwas]

I'm really mixed up with the issue - I long for a relationship, but as soon as I get one I stuff it up out of fear (due to a long list of failures)

I've resigned myself to being single until I'm in a better frame of mind, therefore avoiding hurting myself and anyone else.

*sighs*

im in that category...kinda

i havent had a 'committed' relationship for nearlly two years commin November this year. i find that i am more of a 'open relationship' kinda girl. my last 'serious' relationship whilst living in Sydney was a real messy and bad one and it was a nasty ending one...

i find that i cope more with flixible styled relationships...

ones where i can still be attatched emotionally to someone and feel everything i can feel in a committed relationship but without the ties. it sounds weird and a lot of people dont understand. i like to walk down the street with somone and notice them lookin at the other sex or the same and not have to worry bout gettin jealous of insecure or nothing cause we arent committed to each other. i like to hold hands with them and cuddle and kiss and sleep with em as though we were committed...but know that we are not.

its hard not to get to attatched in these kinds of things...but it is possible.

i wouldnt call it a fuck relationship either...or a casual sex thingy either...it gets a bit difficult to explain when people go ' so what IS going on with you two?' and i turn around a say...'well not much really. we're just not committed. its like an open relationship but with ni ties'. my dad finds it hell weird...hes always pressuring me to settle down and marry and stay in one place with one guy long enough to get married etc etc blah blah...

but until the right one comes along i dont want a committed thing...i have been burnt to many times in the past...and theres only so much one can take before breaking totally...

imhappy where i am right now...kinda

Friends always make the most special lovers in my experience.

*nods...funnily enough i have to agree with that. my friends love me more and have done more for me than any guy ive been committed with. they also can tell whether or not im happy with the guy etc...and i also find sex with a best friend is also more enojyable than sex with a one night stand or committed relationship guy...maybe thats just me but i like to have feelings and genuine love with whom ever i sleep with. i dont feel the need to have a committed thing in order to have sex with someone...im not a one night stand kinda girl... *shrugs*

 

[haste]

i havent had a 'committed' relationship for nearlly two years commin November this year. i find that i am more of a 'open relationship' kinda girl. my last 'serious' relationship whilst living in Sydney was a real messy and bad one and it was a nasty ending one...

i find that i cope more with flixible styled relationships...

ones where i can still be attatched emotionally to someone and feel everything i can feel in a committed relationship but without the ties. it sounds weird and a lot of people dont understand. i like to walk down the street with somone and notice them lookin at the other sex or the same and not have to worry bout gettin jealous of insecure or nothing cause we arent committed to each other. i like to hold hands with them and cuddle and kiss and sleep with em as though we were committed...but know that we are not.

Yeah I kinda struggle with this - for me, when emmotoinaly attached to a person in that way, I go in all the way - I find it hard to find a middle ground, to the point where I can be emmotionaly attached to someone but have minimal ties. Maybe traditional values due to my cultural background, not sure. But the thing is, I've tried and I always hurt myself.

I have a firend of mine who's married and they both share an open relationship - being that they both have sexual relationships outside of the marriage and as long as they're up front with it there is no problem. I mean they've been married for years and it seems to work for them. But to me its like, why go down the road of marriage at all?

 

[lostpunk5545]

I'm definately a relationship man...

Nothing quite beats waking up next to someone you are in love with in the morning...

That said girls that I am attracted to on that level rarely seem to cross paths with me

 

[neverwas]

I find it hard to find a middle ground, to the point where I can be emmotionaly attached to someone but have minimal ties. Maybe traditional values due to my cultural background, not sure. But the thing is, I've tried and I always hurt myself.

yeah... there are times when i sit here and long for someone to say...'i want a committed relationship with you'...eg...the whole 'official thing'...but then i get scared and freak out cause the only guys that have hurt me in my past have been the ones i have been 'committed' to

it is hard to find the medium...it took me ages...sure there was the initial jeaousy at first and the whole...insecurity of 'well do you still look at me the way you look at her?' but i found that if i addressed the issues that arose...if i found myself getting all jealous and thought i was getting to the 'official girlfriend' stage, we would talk bout it and level with each other and it would be dealt with. i think also the fact that he was on the same level of not wanting a committed relationship helped aswell.

i guess really the openess i had with the person helped a lot to. we told each other everything we did with other people to keep the air clear. which it did.

im the only one in my family to not have any 'ties' of any kind. i know im not emotionally fit for a steady relationship...i may be or i may not be...according to some people i am...but then when the ties get tightened by the whole official thingy...i get all cramped and go back to the whole no ties thing.

the type of guy i really can see myself ending up with i dont think exsists...as sad and pathetic as it sounds...i know im probably right...it would take one hell of a guy to manage my head and heart

i use to think i was scared of committment...my dad thinks im scared of it. he lectures me everytime i talk to him about my single-status...its hard to get him to understand why i say i love this guy but am not 'with him'

blah...*exasperated sigh*