Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[sewerslide.666mg]

i have had a shitty week aswell as u all also have, my mental state was not good for work, i said to the manager yesterday " i am not haveing a good day can i leave" and i left, ive been taking subs idk if that had negtive mind space or not for work,
im kinda fucked in the head, hopfuly next week will be better,

 

[SunriseChampion]

My depression's kicking in again.

It seems to come in waves, years apart, but I don't know entirely if it isn't just conditional factors. The last year was fucked. Stress from work caused me to have palpitations all spring. Then work burnt me out. I've had the last two weeks off but spent almost all of it bachanal drunk or running around. Have had maybe 2 nights of proper rest in those two weeks, which is probably a contributing factor.

But, really, I think it's psychologically structural. I'm lonely. I've been single for a decade and was ready to start dating again last spring when the plague just made that too fucked to bother with. So I haven't. Not sure when I'll have the opportunity with how shit's popping off around here.

I'm bothered by the disconnect from nature. I live on the water so at least that keeps me going, but I'm tired of living in the city. It's stressful. I need more trees in my life. Problem is, I've got myself stuck here because of a commitment to stash away enough money over the next decade so as to be able to stop working full time. Work being the reason I'm still here now. Very well-paying job and I'm not moving out of town just to have a massive commute. Been there, done that. That also did my head in, and a lot worse than living here now does.

I keep living in the past. I can't stop trying to relive past glories and gravitate to all manner of things that remind me of past experiences. Paradoxically, I'm attracted to things (this means everything....places, people, sounds, etc) that are associated with negative times in my life, though the two came together at some key moments and so maybe it's not such a mystery.
It's fine to reminisce but this shit is taking up waaaay too much mental capacity thus preventing me from fully living in the present and even planning properly for the future.

I feel like a failure still. After all these fucking years. Having completely got over it 16 years ago only to let it all come crashing down through decisions and actions that I was fully responsible for making. Then getting over it again, only to yet again fail myself and drag myself down with my cavalier and reckless attitude to living.

I haven't accomplished anything I thought I might in life and can't get over the past enough to move forward. I'm in like a giant thought loop, it feels like sometimes.

I try hard to do better and it all goes well, sometimes for a year or two even only to eventually fuck it all up in a short period of time.

Super sick of myself, to be honest. Luckily, suicide is no longer an option as I refuse to let my beautiful nieces and nephews ever find out their favourite uncle is no longer with them.

I've always used my family as a tool to keep me from suicide and reverted instead into self-destructive behaviour because it wasn't as immediate.
I'm trying to stop doing that now as well.

aaaaah, fucking hell

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

My depression's kicking in again.

It seems to come in waves, years apart, but I don't know entirely if it isn't just conditional factors. The last year was fucked. Stress from work caused me to have palpitations all spring. Then work burnt me out. I've had the last two weeks off but spent almost all of it bachanal drunk or running around. Have had maybe 2 nights of proper rest in those two weeks, which is probably a contributing factor.

But, really, I think it's psychologically structural. I'm lonely. I've been single for a decade and was ready to start dating again last spring when the plague just made that too fucked to bother with. So I haven't. Not sure when I'll have the opportunity with how shit's popping off around here.

I'm bothered by the disconnect from nature. I live on the water so at least that keeps me going, but I'm tired of living in the city. It's stressful. I need more trees in my life. Problem is, I've got myself stuck here because of a commitment to stash away enough money over the next decade so as to be able to stop working full time. Work being the reason I'm still here now. Very well-paying job and I'm not moving out of town just to have a massive commute. Been there, done that. That also did my head in, and a lot worse than living here now does.

I keep living in the past. I can't stop trying to relive past glories and gravitate to all manner of things that remind me of past experiences. Paradoxically, I'm attracted to things (this means everything....places, people, sounds, etc) that are associated with negative times in my life, though the two came together at some key moments and so maybe it's not such a mystery.
It's fine to reminisce but this shit is taking up waaaay too much mental capacity thus preventing me from fully living in the present and even planning properly for the future.

I feel like a failure still. After all these fucking years. Having completely got over it 16 years ago only to let it all come crashing down through decisions and actions that I was fully responsible for making. Then getting over it again, only to yet again fail myself and drag myself down with my cavalier and reckless attitude to living.

I haven't accomplished anything I thought I might in life and can't get over the past enough to move forward. I'm in like a giant thought loop, it feels like sometimes.

I try hard to do better and it all goes well, sometimes for a year or two even only to eventually fuck it all up in a short period of time.

Super sick of myself, to be honest. Luckily, suicide is no longer an option as I refuse to let my beautiful nieces and nephews ever find out their favourite uncle is no longer with them.

I've always used my family as a tool to keep me from suicide and reverted instead into self-destructive behaviour because it wasn't as immediate.
I'm trying to stop doing that now as well.

aaaaah, fucking hell

Your avatar is adorable.

Tell me about loops. Tell me about cycles. I know them all too well. Between bipolar mood swings and the past fogging my mind only because old shit is never really gone. It usually comes back. Usually adapted and more covert.

Not sure if that makes sense for you as well.

How's your 2021 going to be this year?

 

[Hylight]

It is so tough to get over depression right now. I am going to have to find what works best to get over it. If it even is ever completely possible to do so.
I am sure it can be as soon as I figure out a way. Or even want to.
I should be thankful for some things. I am eating again and I can sleep more than not now. So far I am coping just one day
at a time. And I just do that. And feel sad too.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I'm pretty sad today too actually. Relatively. Just some road blocks that were easily avoidable now making my life extremely difficult.

I hate when you're sad @Hylight. I bet you're a light in many people's lives, not just mine.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Hylight]

I'm pretty sad today too actually. Relatively. Just some road blocks that were easily avoidable now making my life extremely difficult.

I hate when you're sad. I bet you're a light in many people's lives, not just mine.

Take care of yourself.

h/l

 

[PaintTheTown]

My depression's kicking in again.

It seems to come in waves, years apart, but I don't know entirely if it isn't just conditional factors. The last year was fucked. Stress from work caused me to have palpitations all spring. Then work burnt me out. I've had the last two weeks off but spent almost all of it bachanal drunk or running around. Have had maybe 2 nights of proper rest in those two weeks, which is probably a contributing factor.

But, really, I think it's psychologically structural. I'm lonely. I've been single for a decade and was ready to start dating again last spring when the plague just made that too fucked to bother with. So I haven't. Not sure when I'll have the opportunity with how shit's popping off around here.

I'm bothered by the disconnect from nature. I live on the water so at least that keeps me going, but I'm tired of living in the city. It's stressful. I need more trees in my life. Problem is, I've got myself stuck here because of a commitment to stash away enough money over the next decade so as to be able to stop working full time. Work being the reason I'm still here now. Very well-paying job and I'm not moving out of town just to have a massive commute. Been there, done that. That also did my head in, and a lot worse than living here now does.

I keep living in the past. I can't stop trying to relive past glories and gravitate to all manner of things that remind me of past experiences. Paradoxically, I'm attracted to things (this means everything....places, people, sounds, etc) that are associated with negative times in my life, though the two came together at some key moments and so maybe it's not such a mystery.
It's fine to reminisce but this shit is taking up waaaay too much mental capacity thus preventing me from fully living in the present and even planning properly for the future.

I feel like a failure still. After all these fucking years. Having completely got over it 16 years ago only to let it all come crashing down through decisions and actions that I was fully responsible for making. Then getting over it again, only to yet again fail myself and drag myself down with my cavalier and reckless attitude to living.

I haven't accomplished anything I thought I might in life and can't get over the past enough to move forward. I'm in like a giant thought loop, it feels like sometimes.

I try hard to do better and it all goes well, sometimes for a year or two even only to eventually fuck it all up in a short period of time.

Super sick of myself, to be honest. Luckily, suicide is no longer an option as I refuse to let my beautiful nieces and nephews ever find out their favourite uncle is no longer with them.

I've always used my family as a tool to keep me from suicide and reverted instead into self-destructive behaviour because it wasn't as immediate.
I'm trying to stop doing that now as well.

aaaaah, fucking hell

I felt every word of this. I actually tried to take my life but only by a miracle I survived. My niece and nephews are my very reason for fighting every day. I never want to see how they looked at me again. Those negative thoughts are what do you in. Sobriety has helped me a lot.

 

[SunriseChampion]

Your avatar is adorable.

That's literally my face when I'm feeling fine and living life in a good way. hahaha

Tell me about loops. Tell me about cycles. I know them all too well. Between bipolar mood swings and the past fogging my mind only because old shit is never really gone. It usually comes back. Usually adapted and more covert.

Not sure if that makes sense for you as well.

I can't relate too well to bipolar mood swings because I don't have them, unless these weird cycles that are years apart is that. Like I'll be fine or great for a year, two, three maybe and then shit for a month or so. I've never gotten help for it really. Just dealt with it myself.

How's your 2021 going to be this year?

I was planning on taking two months off this summer to travel out west and up to the Yukon and am starting to try and reverse the 14 years of damage that episodic binge drinking has done to my psyche, and I'm moving up to a bigger flat on a higher floor in a few weeks, so I'm optimistic it'll be a decent year for me. But I really need to sort out my head because no matter what good comes in my life, if I keep coming back to the same psychological pit then it's all pointless.

Do you have any plans to make 2021 wikkid?

 

[SunriseChampion]

I felt every word of this. I actually tried to take my life but only by a miracle I survived. My niece and nephews are my very reason for fighting every day. I never want to see how they looked at me again. Those negative thoughts are what do you in. Sobriety has helped me a lot.

Yeah, I'm hoping not drinking does wonders. I put an end to depression and my social anxiety and self-esteem issues when I was younger self-medicating with MDMA and mushrooms, but fucked it all up later after getting into meth and then replacing that with booze. Never felt the same again, to be honest and have had a couple traumatic life experiences since that have made it all worse.

I'm trying to not drink anymore. I've done periods of abstinence once or twice a year since I started, but never long enough to even lower my tolerance, never mind make binge drinking less appealing. So I need to go longer than my usual 1-3 months.

 

[Flynnal]

I haven't been feeling mentally well since December 21st. My second instalment of the nightmare that started last June (actually, it likely started at the end of Februrary - dizzy spells). Onset of tinnitus plus some fucking bizarre "resonance" where certain frequencies create another sound, it's hard to describe but I told myself that if this doesn't go away I'm not going to make it.

So I'm sitting here scared as fuck, and not knowing whether I'll survive. My hearing is not a negotiable thing in my life, it's one thing that I won't ever part with, whatever happens, and if it does then I'm going to bail out.

This was possibly brought on by a lot of stress. I'm going to wait a while though, I'm not going to just give up after like 2 weeks. I'll wait it out for a long time and see how things go. Hopefully this shit goes away. If it doesn't, then I'm not sticking around, I'm not going to just submit to something that ruins music for the rest of my days, I'm never going to deal with that, let alone accept it.

 

[PaintTheTown]

I haven't been feeling mentally well since December 21st. My second instalment of the nightmare that started last June (actually, it likely started at the end of Februrary - dizzy spells). Onset of tinnitus plus some fucking bizarre "resonance" where certain frequencies create another sound, it's hard to describe but I told myself that if this doesn't go away I'm not going to make it.

So I'm sitting here scared as fuck, and not knowing whether I'll survive. My hearing is not a negotiable thing in my life, it's one thing that I won't ever part with, whatever happens, and if it does then I'm going to bail out.

This was possibly brought on by a lot of stress. I'm going to wait a while though, I'm not going to just give up after like 2 weeks. I'll wait it out for a long time and see how things go. Hopefully this shit goes away. If it doesn't, then I'm not sticking around, I'm not going to just submit to something that ruins music for the rest of my days, I'm never going to deal with that, let alone accept it.

How do you feel about inpatient treatment? Is that an option?

 

[SunriseChampion]

I haven't been feeling mentally well since December 21st. My second instalment of the nightmare that started last June (actually, it likely started at the end of Februrary - dizzy spells). Onset of tinnitus plus some fucking bizarre "resonance" where certain frequencies create another sound, it's hard to describe but I told myself that if this doesn't go away I'm not going to make it.

So I'm sitting here scared as fuck, and not knowing whether I'll survive. My hearing is not a negotiable thing in my life, it's one thing that I won't ever part with, whatever happens, and if it does then I'm going to bail out.

This was possibly brought on by a lot of stress. I'm going to wait a while though, I'm not going to just give up after like 2 weeks. I'll wait it out for a long time and see how things go. Hopefully this shit goes away. If it doesn't, then I'm not sticking around, I'm not going to just submit to something that ruins music for the rest of my days, I'm never going to deal with that, let alone accept it.

As someone who loves music and has a soundtrack to their life, I can't even imagine the anguish you're dealing with.
It may indeed be stress related, which would mean that it's temporary.

Wishing you well.

 

[Flynnal]

How do you feel about inpatient treatment? Is that an option?

I've been to the hospital twice, first time was on the second day after this started, at Gosford public, the second time was just last Saturday at Wyong public, and while they had a look at both ears and did the Rinne test using a tuning fork, they didn't say there was anything wrong with my hearing as I could hear that tone bilaterally, with bone conduction, so they ruled out anything really bad. However, I did explain to them that there was this weird distortion (possibly a type of "reactive" tinnitus) that has been really messing with my head ever since it started. I am not sure if it's improving.

Today I went and saw a GP, and he looked into my ear canals and said there might be some pus in my left ear, which is strange, he said neither of my ear drums looked too healthy (inflammation in my right ear and yellowish ear drum in my left), and told me to stop using earplugs, and to start wearing ear muffs instead, which is what I'll do, since I can't risk an infection...on the other hand I want to protect my hearing, hence the reason why I used earplugs in the first place. Today I was told not to use them ever again as they are not healthy. I guess I learned something today. I was sent home with 5mg prednisone tablets to be tapered, and a course of 20x500mg amoxicillin capsules to kill whatever bacteria are causing the inflammation, if there are any (I'm sure there is, the GP was pretty certain that something didn't look right).

As someone who loves music and has a soundtrack to their life, I can't even imagine the anguish you're dealing with.
It may indeed be stress related, which would mean that it's temporary.

Wishing you well.

Thanks for the wishes, I sure hope this gets better with time. My life almost seems like it's hanging in the balance. I have some other hobbies aside from music that might salvage what I have left if it doesn't. I'm into visual arts almost as much as music, and I have access to lots of polymer clay (lots of different colors to work with), so it hopefully won't be too hard to switch over, I get a lot of enjoyment building stuff, so perhaps I'll replace one hobby with another and find a reason to carry on. Grief can do all sorts of funny things to us humans when we least expect it, but a wise man once told me that when one door closes another one opens, so not all is lost, but it's still painful to even think about let alone experience such a change in my health.

Fingers crossed that it is temporary and that it eventually sorts itself out.

 

[Meth novice 79]

MI is ridiculously cruel.
I came from a family that didn’t ‘believe in’ mental health problems.
My grandfathers favourite quote was ‘give her a bit of tit mum’ if one of us kids cried or were hurt.
Feelings were for babies.
Said while nursing his 32nd stubby of beer for the day and fresh from belting his wife and molesting his kids
(Ironically he gassed himself in his car when his wife left him. How’s that tit working for ya now old man?)
A family riddled with mental health issues who doesn’t believe in mental illness.
Of course that’s my fate in life lol

Diagnosed with PTSD age 19 because I didn’t fit any other category available, had definitely suffered trauma and my psych needed to give me a label for my compensation claim. He struggled to treat me. Said I was too logical to be depressed or manic. Thought too rationally.

I lied. I was suicidal. And I was manic. And self destructive.
Looking back I’d say I was all sorts of fucked up that could in fact have fit neatly into nearly all the categories.
But I always acted ‘fine’ until suddenly I wasn’t anymore and couldn’t control the rage. It would always end in something destructive. Trying to walk in front of a car. Drinking til I had alcohol poisoning. Finding the most dangerous guy in the bar, picking a fight with him and then going home to bed with him after. That’s followed me right thru the years. When things get hard, I set about making them even harder. Never happy until I’ve out done the last lot of wtf by a mile. And when I’m happy. I do the fucking same thing! Do anything I can to ensure I don’t remain happy for very long one way or another.

I don’t think it’s mental illness so much as a comfort zone though.
At least in a mess of my own creation I know exactly what’s coming next.

 

[PaintTheTown]

A

I've been to the hospital twice, first time was on the second day after this started, at Gosford public, the second time was just last Saturday at Wyong public, and while they had a look at both ears and did the Rinne test using a tuning fork, they didn't say there was anything wrong with my hearing as I could hear that tone bilaterally, with bone conduction, so they ruled out anything really bad. However, I did explain to them that there was this weird distortion (possibly a type of "reactive" tinnitus) that has been really messing with my head ever since it started. I am not sure if it's improving.

Today I went and saw a GP, and he looked into my ear canals and said there might be some pus in my left ear, which is strange, he said neither of my ear drums looked too healthy (inflammation in my right ear and yellowish ear drum in my left), and told me to stop using earplugs, and to start wearing ear muffs instead, which is what I'll do, since I can't risk an infection...on the other hand I want to protect my hearing, hence the reason why I used earplugs in the first place. Today I was told not to use them ever again as they are not healthy. I guess I learned something today. I was sent home with 5mg prednisone tablets to be tapered, and a course of 20x500mg amoxicillin capsules to kill whatever bacteria are causing the inflammation, if there are any (I'm sure there is, the GP was pretty certain that something didn't look right).



Thanks for the wishes, I sure hope this gets better with time. My life almost seems like it's hanging in the balance. I have some other hobbies aside from music that might salvage what I have left if it doesn't. I'm into visual arts almost as much as music, and I have access to lots of polymer clay (lots of different colors to work with), so it hopefully won't be too hard to switch over, I get a lot of enjoyment building stuff, so perhaps I'll replace one hobby with another and find a reason to carry on. Grief can do all sorts of funny things to us humans when we least expect it, but a wise man once told me that when one door closes another one opens, so not all is lost, but it's still painful to even think about let alone experience such a change in my health.

Fingers crossed that it is temporary and that it eventually sorts itself out.

Infection could definitely cause this. I've heard of people who have constant ringing in the ear because of inflammation and infection. Try to remove inflammatory food immediately. No sugar, processed crap, caffeine, soda, alcohol, drugs, etc. Help your inflammation markers to lower themselves and quickly. Throw the buds out! The are bacteria ridden and no good. This is why they say the only thing you should put inside your ears are your elbows. Nothing inside the ear and even covering for all day and night because of moisture (bacteria growth). Take breaks

 

[SunriseChampion]

But I always acted ‘fine’ until suddenly I wasn’t anymore and couldn’t control the rage.

That's how I've always been. Any time I've brought up my mental health issues with mates they're fucking shocked that I've felt anything other than great the whole time. "You seemed fine." "You carried it very well." "You dealt with it so well." Etc

Nah, bruv, it was always a storm inside the ride. Well, maybe not a storm as I have over the years learnt to suppress unhelpful or unsettling emotions and try to carry on as stoically as possible but it's always accompanied with some seriously cavalier/reckless/carefree behaviour which is indicative of something not being quite right.

 

[Meth novice 79]

That's how I've always been. Any time I've brought up my mental health issues with mates they're fucking shocked that I've felt anything other than great the whole time. "You seemed fine." "You carried it very well." "You dealt with it so well." Etc

Nah, bruv, it was always a storm inside the ride. Well, maybe not a storm as I have over the years learnt to suppress unhelpful or unsettling emotions and try to carry on as stoically as possible but it's always accompanied with some seriously cavalier/reckless/carefree behaviour which is indicative of something not being quite right.

Are you successful at identifying it and diverting yourself at all?
Most times I have myself convinced at the time that it’s a great plan til suddenly I realise I’ve duped myself yet again

 

[SunriseChampion]

Are you successful at identifying it and diverting yourself at all?
Most times I have myself convinced at the time that it’s a great plan til suddenly I realise I’ve duped myself yet again

How do you mean?

Diverting myself from the super fun-fun carefree lifestyle shit?

 

[PaintTheTown]

That's how I've always been. Any time I've brought up my mental health issues with mates they're fucking shocked that I've felt anything other than great the whole time. "You seemed fine." "You carried it very well." "You dealt with it so well." Etc

Nah, bruv, it was always a storm inside the ride. Well, maybe not a storm as I have over the years learnt to suppress unhelpful or unsettling emotions and try to carry on as stoically as possible but it's always accompanied with some seriously cavalier/reckless/carefree behaviour which is indicative of something not being quite right.

If another person tells me I'm put together when at times I'm internally falling apart I will scream!!!!

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Okayish. Decided to completely stop certain substances and work on my life, take responsibility and So on, and its working. Still have been a bit down but Its not too bad. Being bored is the right choice when compared to "should i aim for Mania?"