• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

In Memoriam Captain.Heroin

I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
 
Christ.

Ugh.

I feel like I'm randomly switching between all the stages of grief.

Sometimes I feel like I can't believe this happened.
Then sometimes I feel guilt. I think about how I could have spent more time, paid more attention, been even clearer about my concerns for him. I want to tell him how sorry I am I didn't try harder.

Sometimes I feel angry. And this is probably the hardest one. But.. I feel angry that he did this. Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to always be so sturbbon why couldn't you listen to us. We were your friends we were trying to help you!

Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Just.. Empty.

Sometimes I just cry. No direction, no other feelings. Just despair.

Sometimes I feel like like there was nothing we could have ever done that would have been enough.

And around and I around I go on grief merry go round. :(
 
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https://www.reddit.com/r/researchchemicals/comments/n5a4ue
I think we should also talk about just how nasty 2-MAP-237 is cuz people are dying from this nasty caustic shit.

Man this shits got me all torn up. He’ll be missed :(

-GC

I had warned him extensively on the danger of this compound. It once removed a good deal of skin under my tongue from sublingual use. The skin turned white then fell off. I can't imagine intravenous use.

80mg of 2-methyl-ap237 for a tolerant person (even intravenously) is not a lethal dose. I wonder what happened.

RIP you crazy MF, I tried to help you. Sorry for flaking out on the Korean barbecue, i am just too antisocial for that stuff without resorting to benzos (at which point my extroversion is disinhibited) but i didnt want to take benzos at that particular time as i was trying to avoid them.
 
Knowing cap I believe he IV his ap

Only person I ever knew to routinely IV RC benzos. Always bothered me when he did that. Seemed very unnecessary. That was cap, though...

He knew what he was doing................
 
I am stunned and sad, and processing this still. Say what you will about cap, he had his flaws, but you can't possibly deny that he had a big heart and, despite his problems, he really put effort into being there for people. I have always really respected that about him, it is admirable and honestly very impressive. Most people I know who are as depressed as he was become bitter and harden their heart to others. Cap did the opposite, he hardened his heart towards himself but gave it freely to others. RIP dude, I wish I could have helped you more than I did. You are missed. ♥️
 
I have the craziest messages from him that were very hard for me to answer, decided to take my time since he seemed like someone who would be sticking around for a while, from what he said to me all the time, he didnt think suicide was the way to go, he even saw through me when i didnt openly admit how suicidal i was, i was angry at him first, then he wrote the most wondeful things anyone has ever said to me, and i just could not follow the conversation, nothing i could think of would measure up to his words, guess i will keep reading those messages wondering what i could have said. I hate being stuck in this place with no way of reaching out to people irl not this online crap, guess i deserve it, but i dont think he did.
 
I am stunned and sad, and processing this still. Say what you will about cap, he had his flaws, but you can't possibly deny that he had a big heart and, despite his problems, he really put effort into being there for people. I have always really respected that about him, it is admirable and honestly very impressive. Most people I know who are as depressed as he was become bitter and harden their heart to others. Cap did the opposite, he hardened his heart towards himself but gave it freely to others. RIP dude, I wish I could have helped you more than I did. You are missed. ♥️

That's so true. Cap was made for this place. Driven to help. Bluelight is so much poorer now for his loss :(
 
A man that loved to share experiences in words and writing.
From chatting on the phone for hours or opening my inbox often seeing two or three messages all turning out to be short legnth novels almost.

It was a open, honest and action packed life that he lived and often shared with us all.

Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you for your huge imput into drug related harm reduction.

Thank you for your love of people and animals. *Gabe* 🐕

Upon telling a former senior moderator of your passing today (2004-12) she instantly remembered you. Despite 10 years of no contact her first words were :

" Thanks, and sorry about Cpt Heroin too. He had been around so long I thought he was indestructible"

Ten years on and nothing had changed. I think your legacy will remain fresh in our minds and hearts for a very long time.

I remember playing a song to you on discord when u wanted to know the sort of music I was into. The track was PUSH - Until we meet again.
The memory gives me mixed emotions now as the track was produced by PUSH two weeks after his partner died of a drug overdose on the way to the studio to record. We will always love you.

🌷🌷Until We Meet Again🌷🌷

 
I have the craziest messages from him that were very hard for me to answer, decided to take my time since he seemed like someone who would be sticking around for a while, from what he said to me all the time, he didnt think suicide was the way to go, he even saw through me when i didnt openly admit how suicidal i was, i was angry at him first, then he wrote the most wondeful things anyone has ever said to me, and i just could not follow the conversation, nothing i could think of would measure up to his words, guess i will keep reading those messages wondering what i could have said. I hate being stuck in this place with no way of reaching out to people irl not this online crap, guess i deserve it, but i dont think he did.
All of us have things we wish we could've said or could've done. You certainly don't deserve to be alone. Feel free to reach out if you're feeling that way, anytime.
 
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