I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
-
Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
We did help him. All we could. And we loved him
And he helped us, too. And me. He stopped me from using the drug he OD'd on. He spared me from relapsing because he is a great guy.
I'm speechless. RIP CH
We all tried. And I get it.
I've been going back and forth the last 8 hours on this. Thinking about if I did enough to try and help him. Wanting to apologize to him for not having done more.
And feeling like in my heart I know... nothing was ever going to be enough.
Fuck and now I'm crying again. Its been starting and stopping for hours
.
People do have to save themselves.We all tried. And I get it.
I've been going back and forth the last 8 hours on this. Thinking about if I did enough to try and help him. Wanting to apologize to him for not having done more.
And feeling like in my heart I know... nothing was ever going to be enough.
Fuck and now I'm crying again. Its been starting and stopping for hours
You really can’t save anyone.
I think cap is here with us. I feel him in some dorky sense. He won't be forgotten.
Still feels like he is going to post any minute. Maybe just another update.
Still feels like he is going to post any minute. Maybe just another update.
Hey guys, Cap's partner wanted me to put in some words for him, so here we go:
To Andrew (lobo):
I miss you terribly so, but i know you are where you are supposed to be.... On December 5, 2020, we met, and I remember you standing on top of the stairwell My hearts yearns to hear your voice, but i find peace knowing that you no are no longer suffering here on Earth. Today, would have been 6 months of knowing each other, although we continue to find each other in every life. Deja Vu kind of love. I remember that first day we met, that first look into your eyes (...that is all it took for you to steal my heart. You just reeled me in, and had me hooked from that point forward. I am forever grateful to have known you, even if it was rather short. We explored deep into each other's soul, and you reminded me what it felt to be alive, and to be living. Thank you for that. You were the first to admit that you were falling for me....although i told you i was not that there yet...i could not deny it any longer to myself, and told you I was ready to be your man.
ohhhh, lobo....i saw that your past experiences had left a negative imprint on you, but i was see your transformation before my eyes, and ohh how beautiful it was to see the glimpse of joy in your face. Your smile, the way you would howl LOL, the way you would look into the mirror when you knew you were looking fire and i would catch you haha you would just look back at me and smile. Nights and mornings have been hard to wake up to this reality and not having you next to me...ohh how we would love on each other. I would hug you extra tight cuz i knew your family was far away, but with me i would show. As I would openly tell you, you are the illest! As painful as this has been....it will be hard to love someone else...but you showed me the beauty in letting go....thank you. And to allow you to move i do not hold you back..for your journey must continue...as i would tell you...just ensure you save a seat for me...cuz i will always find you.
To my love, lobo, i will forever love you, and i do not hold any anger towards your passing, i find tranquility in knowing you are finally, truly resting. So much more i could recount and tell, but for now i wll end my letter to you with this song, "Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu." P.S. as Ms. Erykah Badu song goes...the one i would sing to you.. Next Lifetime: "First time that I saw you boy It was a warm and sunny day All I know is I wanted you I really hoped you'd looked my way Then you smiled at me so warm and sweet I could not speak... Your energy, feels so damn good to me It picks me up don't wanna come down You got me spinning all around (oh) yeah You need to know, I've got somebody But, you're beautiful, shh But still it ain't that type of party now.... I guess I'll see you next lifetime Maybe we'll be butterflies... I'm all ready, I'm gon' be there I guess I'll see you next lifetime I'm gon' look for you..." With much love and peace, Lobo Nervioso (Eric)
To Andrew (lobo):
I miss you terribly so, but i know you are where you are supposed to be.... On December 5, 2020, we met, and I remember you standing on top of the stairwell My hearts yearns to hear your voice, but i find peace knowing that you no are no longer suffering here on Earth. Today, would have been 6 months of knowing each other, although we continue to find each other in every life. Deja Vu kind of love. I remember that first day we met, that first look into your eyes (...that is all it took for you to steal my heart. You just reeled me in, and had me hooked from that point forward. I am forever grateful to have known you, even if it was rather short. We explored deep into each other's soul, and you reminded me what it felt to be alive, and to be living. Thank you for that. You were the first to admit that you were falling for me....although i told you i was not that there yet...i could not deny it any longer to myself, and told you I was ready to be your man.
ohhhh, lobo....i saw that your past experiences had left a negative imprint on you, but i was see your transformation before my eyes, and ohh how beautiful it was to see the glimpse of joy in your face. Your smile, the way you would howl LOL, the way you would look into the mirror when you knew you were looking fire and i would catch you haha you would just look back at me and smile. Nights and mornings have been hard to wake up to this reality and not having you next to me...ohh how we would love on each other. I would hug you extra tight cuz i knew your family was far away, but with me i would show. As I would openly tell you, you are the illest! As painful as this has been....it will be hard to love someone else...but you showed me the beauty in letting go....thank you. And to allow you to move i do not hold you back..for your journey must continue...as i would tell you...just ensure you save a seat for me...cuz i will always find you.
To my love, lobo, i will forever love you, and i do not hold any anger towards your passing, i find tranquility in knowing you are finally, truly resting. So much more i could recount and tell, but for now i wll end my letter to you with this song, "Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu." P.S. as Ms. Erykah Badu song goes...the one i would sing to you.. Next Lifetime: "First time that I saw you boy It was a warm and sunny day All I know is I wanted you I really hoped you'd looked my way Then you smiled at me so warm and sweet I could not speak... Your energy, feels so damn good to me It picks me up don't wanna come down You got me spinning all around (oh) yeah You need to know, I've got somebody But, you're beautiful, shh But still it ain't that type of party now.... I guess I'll see you next lifetime Maybe we'll be butterflies... I'm all ready, I'm gon' be there I guess I'll see you next lifetime I'm gon' look for you..." With much love and peace, Lobo Nervioso (Eric)
This beautiful song is dear to me also, but now I'll always think of Eric's feelings for CH too when I hear it in future
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RIP CH You loved me here when noone else did. Thanks for loving me and Jamal so much as much as we loved turtle balls. Funny I was gona post a update today for you honestly. But I dont think I will now.
Don't blame yourself, but know that you tried, open heart. We all tried. I tried and certainly had my own conversation with him about suicide and my concern for his use and what he would do in front of us.Not gonna stop me trying.
Not gonna stop me feeling guilt for failing
I'm trying. I'm trying to tell myself that nothing I could do would have been enough. That what I'm feeling is just a natural part of the grieving process.
But I can't help it. A small part of me does blame myself for not trying harder, doing more.
This is very very sad to hear. RIP CH.
This happens too often to those in our community, over many years.
We are also part of larger trends, and opioid use is more and more dangerous in the last few years. The OD toll is higher year on year.
Especially sad when we know OD deaths are preventable.
This happens too often to those in our community, over many years.
We are also part of larger trends, and opioid use is more and more dangerous in the last few years. The OD toll is higher year on year.
Especially sad when we know OD deaths are preventable.
Didn't speak to CH on a personal level but he was a well respected member of BL, very unfortunate loss. Thoughts are with his friends and family.
Damn, that guy was around forever. One of the few people who has consistently posted helpful advice over the last 10+ years. I could be away for years, come back to lurk, and still see his posts. Always sucks when someone who knows so much about drugs and mental health can succumb to the struggle.
Never thought I would miss that horrible green font
Never thought I would miss that horrible green font
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I understand, but do take care of yourself!!Not gonna stop me trying.
Not gonna stop me feeling guilt for failing
You can’t pour from an empty cup!!
Omg this is horrible news, I've been wondering where he has been at cuz he hasn't posted in a bit. Did not think it was something tragic like this. His family has my condolences he was a wonderful man and I've enjoyed his posts all these years. R.i.P. my friend ❤
~Charlie
~Charlie