I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
-
Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
A man that loved to share experiences in words and writing.
From chatting on the phone for hours or opening my inbox often seeing two or three messages all turning out to be short legnth novels almost.
It was a open, honest and action packed life that he lived and often shared with us all.
Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for your huge imput into drug related harm reduction.
Thank you for your love of people and animals. *Gabe*
Upon telling a former senior moderator of your passing today (2004-12) she instantly remembered you. Despite 10 years of no contact her first words were :
" Thanks, and sorry about Cpt Heroin too. He had been around so long I thought he was indestructible"
Ten years on and nothing had changed. I think your legacy will remain fresh in our minds and hearts for a very long time.
I remember playing a song to you on discord when u wanted to know the sort of music I was into. The track was PUSH - Until we meet again.
The memory gives me mixed emotions now as the track was produced by PUSH two weeks after his partner died of a drug overdose on the way to the studio to record. We will always love you.
Until We Meet Again
From chatting on the phone for hours or opening my inbox often seeing two or three messages all turning out to be short legnth novels almost.
It was a open, honest and action packed life that he lived and often shared with us all.
Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for your huge imput into drug related harm reduction.
Thank you for your love of people and animals. *Gabe*
Upon telling a former senior moderator of your passing today (2004-12) she instantly remembered you. Despite 10 years of no contact her first words were :
" Thanks, and sorry about Cpt Heroin too. He had been around so long I thought he was indestructible"
Ten years on and nothing had changed. I think your legacy will remain fresh in our minds and hearts for a very long time.
I remember playing a song to you on discord when u wanted to know the sort of music I was into. The track was PUSH - Until we meet again.
The memory gives me mixed emotions now as the track was produced by PUSH two weeks after his partner died of a drug overdose on the way to the studio to record. We will always love you.
Until We Meet Again
All of us have things we wish we could've said or could've done. You certainly don't deserve to be alone. Feel free to reach out if you're feeling that way, anytime.
Danke, i meant i wish i could have gone to him, those thoughts he often had about "nobody loves me" were such bullshit, i loved him alot, and so did everyone around him. Chemical imbalances make you think and do the worst shit.
Didn’t have much interaction with the Cap but he had a stellar reputation here and someone a lot of people looked up to.
Rest easy @Captain.Heroin you will be missed!
Rest easy @Captain.Heroin you will be missed!
Brings a tear to my eye every time.
Too much fuckin bullshit not enough cap in my life.
I am gutted. Just wow, no words. You know when peair passed away that still stings like hell, among other's who have OD'd way too soon. God's made me a tender soul, ugh. Just wow. It's an emotional nuclear fall out myself as well as BL will be feeling for years to come.
I feel pretty embarrassed, sad, and ashamed cause the last words I wrote to him were pretty rude. And it wasn't even about something that we truly disagree with, but politics and (partly)philosophy. I was getting psychotic from buprenorphine withdrawal and snaped. Something that he understood. I will not pretend that I knew him personally. I didn't. Yet his username and presence are in my mind almost synonymous with Bluelight itself. And his writing... You can not fake that depth. It is really a big loss to not just BL but the world as a whole whenever such a sensitive, compassionate and intelligent person goes away.
“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”
-AW
“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”
-AW
Just another lurker here to say that many of the almost incalculable number of his posts were a great help to my personal use and I will cherish the few personal conversations we had—I always thought of him as the "captain" of bluelight because of the extent of his presence here.
Here is a quotation of his from one of our conversations:
"I feel at times I begin to see the meaninglessness of life, then I remember how far I’ve come and how diving into the absurd [is] like [diving] headfirst into a cement pool, [and that] would be ridiculous, absurd, and counter-intuitive unto itself so I’ll go along with the tragedy.
Life is a tragedy in slow motion that’s already happened and will happen again. I’m starting to get sick of the cycle but I get used to it,
I used to find meaning in pleasure but found it to be intellectually understimulating, and hence am still searching for meaning in life.
From what I best understand, based on others, I am more likely to return to hedonism, or become a nihilist.
Like, decades from now. I think the search is awesome and want to enjoy it. Very stressed out, but I am blessed. Life is good."
-Captain Heroin, Dec. 2020
RIP
Stay safe everyone.
Here is a quotation of his from one of our conversations:
"I feel at times I begin to see the meaninglessness of life, then I remember how far I’ve come and how diving into the absurd [is] like [diving] headfirst into a cement pool, [and that] would be ridiculous, absurd, and counter-intuitive unto itself so I’ll go along with the tragedy.
Life is a tragedy in slow motion that’s already happened and will happen again. I’m starting to get sick of the cycle but I get used to it,
I used to find meaning in pleasure but found it to be intellectually understimulating, and hence am still searching for meaning in life.
From what I best understand, based on others, I am more likely to return to hedonism, or become a nihilist.
Like, decades from now. I think the search is awesome and want to enjoy it. Very stressed out, but I am blessed. Life is good."
-Captain Heroin, Dec. 2020
RIP
Stay safe everyone.
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CH was there for me while I struggled through the worst of my shit... whining in SL, he always showed me love
I hope he is at peace now
My heart goes out to all those close to him... You will be missed
I hope he is at peace now
My heart goes out to all those close to him... You will be missed
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Andrew and I spoke by phone several times. We spoke about health, art, drugs, death, pets, heaven, psychology, fate, suicide and the loss of beloved partners and relatives. When he left me messages, he claimed we needed to speak right away, as it was something important. Usually, he’d had some epiphanous moment and ensuing thoughts he wished to share and discuss.
I talked about my dad’s suicide, which was pharmacologically due to 10+ times the recommended dosage of his prescribed benzos + some other less potent drugs. I told Andrew I blamed myself because I talked to him right before he checked out and I knew he seemed off and was unhappy. I’d always been able to get him to the hospital for charcoal + a stomach pump on each previous suicide attempt.
Andrew told me that I couldn’t stop anyone from checking out if that’s what they wanted. In fact, he always said his own death, which would come shortly, was absolute fate for which he maintained no control. I agreed with him only if he was experiencing a condition that limited the time before his body gave out. He told me that it need not be a disease, which led to an hour’s long discussion about Alexander Litvinenko. He’d send me, or direct me to articles and literature that he felt supported this view. We didn’t end up in agreement, but I appreciated his passion for debate.
I told him that death leaves a hole in the
of loved ones that can’t ever be filled or replaced by another person or pet. He told me about the people he loved and he always mentioned his partner he lost due to alcoholism. He wanted to be with him so badly.
Sometimes we’d talk about religion. I was raised without any faith, he had religious knowledge. We discussed the notion that those who take their own lives are destined for a dreadfully hot place, and he absolutely believed this supposed sin to be false. Additionally, I wanted to know whether he believed we’d see our pets again in Heaven. He believed this to be true and he felt certain his beloved cat, who’d died young, (I believe from drinking ethylene glycol) was waiting to see him in Heaven, as well as a beloved grandparent and his partner he lost 5+ years ago.
I think we remember when he announced he’d leave Earth if Trump was re-elected. He called about 2 weeks after the vote counting began and said that he thought he’d stick around for awhile. He’d tell me that I wouldn’t believe how “this or that” some new guy he met was; and there was no way he didn’t want to be around to see all the future possibilities for the 2 of them.
He also cared a great deal about getting his degree and he’d often have me proofread psychology papers for him. I would remind him that I wasn’t a psychiatrist/psychologist, I’d just had parents that were, and he still thought that I was around it enough to know something about the subject. He took school very seriously.
When someone hit his car (last year?) he couldn’t wait to get the check from both his, and the other dude’s insurance companies. I asked him if he was planning to get his car fixed, or get a different car. He told me he didn’t even want a car anymore—it was too much of a headache. The weather was nice and he planned to walk or take public transportation if the walk was too far.
There are so many unique, funny, and crazy good things I will remember about you always Andrew. I hope you’re with your partner, cat, and grandparent, and you are enjoying your time, free of the anxieties and thoughts the plagued you here, and that you’re enjoying a live Marco Corbelli concert.
I talked about my dad’s suicide, which was pharmacologically due to 10+ times the recommended dosage of his prescribed benzos + some other less potent drugs. I told Andrew I blamed myself because I talked to him right before he checked out and I knew he seemed off and was unhappy. I’d always been able to get him to the hospital for charcoal + a stomach pump on each previous suicide attempt.
Andrew told me that I couldn’t stop anyone from checking out if that’s what they wanted. In fact, he always said his own death, which would come shortly, was absolute fate for which he maintained no control. I agreed with him only if he was experiencing a condition that limited the time before his body gave out. He told me that it need not be a disease, which led to an hour’s long discussion about Alexander Litvinenko. He’d send me, or direct me to articles and literature that he felt supported this view. We didn’t end up in agreement, but I appreciated his passion for debate.
I told him that death leaves a hole in the
of loved ones that can’t ever be filled or replaced by another person or pet. He told me about the people he loved and he always mentioned his partner he lost due to alcoholism. He wanted to be with him so badly. Sometimes we’d talk about religion. I was raised without any faith, he had religious knowledge. We discussed the notion that those who take their own lives are destined for a dreadfully hot place, and he absolutely believed this supposed sin to be false. Additionally, I wanted to know whether he believed we’d see our pets again in Heaven. He believed this to be true and he felt certain his beloved cat, who’d died young, (I believe from drinking ethylene glycol) was waiting to see him in Heaven, as well as a beloved grandparent and his partner he lost 5+ years ago.
I think we remember when he announced he’d leave Earth if Trump was re-elected. He called about 2 weeks after the vote counting began and said that he thought he’d stick around for awhile. He’d tell me that I wouldn’t believe how “this or that” some new guy he met was; and there was no way he didn’t want to be around to see all the future possibilities for the 2 of them.
He also cared a great deal about getting his degree and he’d often have me proofread psychology papers for him. I would remind him that I wasn’t a psychiatrist/psychologist, I’d just had parents that were, and he still thought that I was around it enough to know something about the subject. He took school very seriously.
When someone hit his car (last year?) he couldn’t wait to get the check from both his, and the other dude’s insurance companies. I asked him if he was planning to get his car fixed, or get a different car. He told me he didn’t even want a car anymore—it was too much of a headache. The weather was nice and he planned to walk or take public transportation if the walk was too far.
There are so many unique, funny, and crazy good things I will remember about you always Andrew. I hope you’re with your partner, cat, and grandparent, and you are enjoying your time, free of the anxieties and thoughts the plagued you here, and that you’re enjoying a live Marco Corbelli concert.
I am still pretty speechless about Captain H.
We talked back and forth quite a bit and no matter what I was dealing with at the time he would always listen to what I had to say. Even if it were venting about something. He only had positive things to say, and even if I was bitching about another Bluelighter he always had my side.
He always had faith in me, even those times when I didn't have any faith in myself. There will always be a place in my heart for CH.
Didn't think I would be typing this but RIP CH
We talked back and forth quite a bit and no matter what I was dealing with at the time he would always listen to what I had to say. Even if it were venting about something. He only had positive things to say, and even if I was bitching about another Bluelighter he always had my side.
He always had faith in me, even those times when I didn't have any faith in myself. There will always be a place in my heart for CH.
Didn't think I would be typing this but RIP CH
The last time I talked to CH I was in some trouble myself and he was coming up with these ideas for me to smuggle myself across the border, and he'd pick me up in, I think, it was in Michigan he and his friend would come to get me so I could stay with him in LA. It was a half-baked, crazy plan that never could've happened I think, but he really meant well. I used to talk to him a lot. He would call me on a regular basis. I'd call him too. But over time, the last couple of months that became less and less. He was withdrawing from BL and everyone, and I was going through my own stuff as well. One of the last times we talked he confided how he'd been going through some tough times and that was why he'd been off the site for a while.
His forays into nihilism, absurdism, determinism, the powernoise music he loved to make, his artwork, his writing.. his writing was incredible. He showed me some writing of his that actually blew me away how beautiful it was. All of these things which had taken over his life - they were pure chaos and they encapsulated his life all the same. I'll miss how he used to take me on these tours through his place, all his shit all over the place, and he'd show me one thing after the other. I do mean it too, he always had a lot of interesting stuff and stories to go with it. He was always so excited to show me everything he had.
He was visibly going downhill the entire time I knew him from last fall up until the last time we spoke, about a month ago. He was becoming more and more frail looking as time passed by. He didn't care for life, but he did care a lot about people. He told me more than once about how even though his life was meaningless he still cared for others. That kind of says it all right there.
I wish he didn't die, but I'm glad I knew him.
His forays into nihilism, absurdism, determinism, the powernoise music he loved to make, his artwork, his writing.. his writing was incredible. He showed me some writing of his that actually blew me away how beautiful it was. All of these things which had taken over his life - they were pure chaos and they encapsulated his life all the same. I'll miss how he used to take me on these tours through his place, all his shit all over the place, and he'd show me one thing after the other. I do mean it too, he always had a lot of interesting stuff and stories to go with it. He was always so excited to show me everything he had.
He was visibly going downhill the entire time I knew him from last fall up until the last time we spoke, about a month ago. He was becoming more and more frail looking as time passed by. He didn't care for life, but he did care a lot about people. He told me more than once about how even though his life was meaningless he still cared for others. That kind of says it all right there.
I wish he didn't die, but I'm glad I knew him.
Wow. I thought he had been off heroin for a long time. I'm just restarted myself after 7 years off heroin. I want to die tho. If CH wanted to live that's tragic