How to leave an addict

[jaybirdNj]

Hey guys I'm still having a difficult time leaving my boyfriend I've stuck by for 10 years. He is an on and off again heroin addict. I recently found out he has been using heroin for daily several times a day from what I can tell for now the last 7 months but probably longer thats just when I found out. He holds a good job, works all the time, pays rent on time so I didn't really notice he was back at it again right away partially because I was in denial and because he does do alot he's not nodding off on the couch all day or anything like he was once upon a time. This is embarrassing but I've actually resorted to spying on him and trying to be my own detective starting in October last year because I just had to know and see for myself versus assuming.¹

He completely denied having any sort of issue at all. He says he has relapsed a few times but thats not true its every day. Anyway I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time leaving. I just love him so much, but seriously I can't live my life like this anymore. Me spying, he lying to me all the time, using on our own home. I can't talk to him about it anything or my feelings or anything real about it because he won't even admit its an issue. I know he loves me too which I guess is more of his motivation to lie to me. I just can't take it, I want him to stop so bad wo we can be happy... I feel so sad leaving because it's not what I want. What I want is him to get better. The best thing is probably for me to file child support so he has less money and leave so he can finally realize how this is affecting his life. I can't understand how he is so casual about it like it's a cup of coffee. He assumes I don't know what's really going on but I know everything... he just can't figure out why I'm mad and or sad all the time. He thinks he can do this and also have a perfect family life. What so u guys think? Tips?

Hi there. As a heroin addict I know all too well the situation that you two are in right now. I have been there and lived this situation many times before. I am going to be blunt because this situation deserves a straight up answer and no messing around. As long as your boyfriend is doing heroin, he is not in a relationship with you and you alone. Your boyfriend thinks about herion every day, pretty much all day if he doesn't have it. In this situation you will always come second to the heroin. While you are thinking about your future, having kids and buying a house, he is thinking about his next fix. As addicts, we do not plan the future more than a day. While in the grip of addiction, drugs are the most important thing that our bodies and our soul needs. Herion changes the chemical balance of the brain and addicts lose interest in everything except the drug. Your boyfriend is going down a long and dangerous road. These roads are full of danger, isolation, crime and heartbreak. If you do not break up with him you will be going down that road right along with him. Remember, if you get pulled over with heroin in the car he will probably not say it is his because he does not want to kick the drug in jail. You can end up with a record just by changing out with him. Drugs are going to warp your relationship into a living hell. Everything is going to revolve around getting the drug and using it. I wish I could show you all the damage that will be done to you. I wish I could save you from all the bad things that he is going to say to you and how he is going to make you feel like a terrible person. Until he makes the decision himself to get off heroin, you will not be dating the true form of this man but rather the version of him under the influence of drugs and the addict mentality. Methadone is a great way to get him clean and get his life back on track. Believe me, you are not doing him any favors by enabling him to keep getting high without consequence. He may be a good dude sometimes, but he is sick. Sick people need to make the decision to get well, until then he's just inviting the addict trifecta; jails, institutions and death.

 

[Fightingback123]

Thanks Jaybird that was very blunt and well said. I think you are right im many aspects. I feel a huge part of my life has flashed by almost like it has been on hold and I'm waiting for this to stop thats largely my own fault because I have difficulty leaving. Its kind of a mysterious drug to me because he doesn't really seem super messed up all time or anything like that. He just literally sleeps like his entire life away. I'm not making excuses. I'm more like curious as to how it works. It just blows my mind he can do it before work probably while at work while driving so on and so forth I mean its like it doesn't even phase him... is that normal? I don't see him much often he doesn't even come home sometimes I've always wondered if that's because be doesn't want to be around me or have any household responsibilities. He's made a comment to me once that its impossible he would be using because that would mean he's living a double life and so he is because he is using. I guess because he hasn't lost much of anything yet things still look OK on the outside..it seems it takes loosing alot before u seriously start trying to quit like many of you have said here. Will there be a point in time where I know things are better? When will I know he is serious about stopping, and why he is taking methadone but still having cravings even when he was in a much higher does maybe 150 he still used..I think he's maybe hooked on the lifestyle. I know it will always be a struggle.. I'm just wondering how I'll know when it's truly a period of sobriety.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

My take on this is that he hasn't yet reached the point of no return. It sounds like he's holding things together quite well so far, but this won't last without support. If you leave him now he'll resent you for it and use that as an excuse to sink deeper into addiction. Don't make the mistake of thinking that leaving him will shock him into sorting himself out. It doesn't work like that - he's an addict. They live by their own rules.

If you leave, there is a very slim chance of reconciliation later down the line.

However, I get the impression from your posts that you've already made the decision and are just seeking affirmation.

You do what is right for you - only you can be the judge of that.

But if you still want him in your life, then that's where the "for better or for worse" kicks in...

 

[JessFR]

If you leave, there is a very slim chance of reconciliation later down the line.

That's conjecture.

In truth I doubt any of us can say exactly what the odds are.

Id say it's much clearer what the odds are of them staying together if she just keeps supporting (enabling) him.

Yeah he will probably get worse if she leaves. It would be a LOOOOT better if he just tried to get help and let her help him. But he's not.

She shouldn't have to suffer because he's not willing to get help or accept the harm he's doing.

@Fightingback123 I think you should tell him that you love him, that you want to be with him and you want to help him through this. But that he is hurting you and you can't deal with this if he's not at least trying to get better.

Tell him if or when he's ready to get help you wanna be there for him, but you're not willing to keep trying to help him so long as he's not even willing to try and help himself.

It might not work out, it might end up with the relationship ending there. Hopefully not, but it's definitely possible.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

That's conjecture.

In truth I doubt any of us can say exactly what the odds are.

Id say it's much clearer what the odds are of them staying together if she just keeps supporting (enabling) him.

Yeah he will probably get worse if she leaves. It would be a LOOOOT better if he just tried to get help and let her help him. But he's not.

She shouldn't have to suffer because he's not willing to get help or accept the harm he's doing.

@Fightingback123 I think you should tell him that you love him, that you want to be with him and you want to help him through this. But that he is hurting you and you can't deal with this if he's not at least trying to get better.

Tell him if or when he's ready to get help you wanna be there for him, but you're not willing to keep trying to help him so long as he's not even willing to try and help himself.

It might not work out, it might end up with the relationship ending there. Hopefully not, but it's definitely possible.

Of course it's conjecture. We can only speak from our own experience.

If I hadn't had the support of my amazing partner of 30 years god knows where I would be now. But we got through it together...

 

[JessFR]

Of course it's conjecture. We can only speak from our own experience.

Ok let me rephrase.

It's conjecture and I highly doubt any of us can really say we have experience sufficient to make such an claim with any accuracy.

Like, how many relationships have you been in where your partner or spouse said they were leaving because of your out of control heroin addiction?

I've had, basically 1. Lol.

I mean I suppose the reverse counts too, how many relationships where you said that to your partner or spouse? I've had... 1 again? Kinda? It was a benzo problem not a heroin problem. I told him if things didn't improve I'd leave, they didn't, I left.

So maybe 2 in total. Not much to give much idea of what the odds really are.

 

[Jabberwocky]

My take on this is that he hasn't yet reached the point of no return. It sounds like he's holding things together quite well so far, but this won't last without support. If you leave him now he'll resent you for it and use that as an excuse to sink deeper into addiction. Don't make the mistake of thinking that leaving him will shock him into sorting himself out. It doesn't work like that - he's an addict. They live by their own rules.

in my case, my boyfriend leaving me to it definitely did make my using way worse. BUT i needed that to happen. i needed to get to 'rock bottom' and wouldn't have done that so quick with him around. and i really don't resent him for leaving, at the time it was a relief tbh cos i didn't have to hide my use or pretend to be trying anymore.

If you leave, there is a very slim chance of reconciliation later down the line.

i completely see where you are coming from, especially given your experience of getting through it with your partner. i had the opposite, i don't think we could have reconciled if he'd have stayed longer, but now we're looking to buy a house together and start a family (something honestly we shoulda done years ago but my addiction got in the way). there are no right or wrong answers to this because everyone is different so i think it is really important for the OP to see arguments from both sides.

 

[Fightingback123]

After I get over being angry about the situation I just feel so sad for him because he needs help. I don't want him to pass away because of this. Its unknown if leaving will make him better or worse..likely worse at least for a bit before getting better. It seems like many not all but many people have said getting to rock bottom is what helped them most..if that is the case me leaving would definitely speed that up. Should I try to have some sort of intervention or talk to him again see if I can get him to admit his problem and that he needs help or is that pointless? My life has become revolved around his addiction trying to find if he is using, how much or our money is going into, trying to figure out how many times im being lied to, wasting time being a spying on him etc and that is not healthy or helpful for either of us. I do think I will leave because I'm damaging myself by being in the equation because I can't live a life pretending like its not happening. It almost helps knowing if I leave I might be helping him. I feel like I can be a stronger person away from this than right in and more helpful to him rather than us both sinking. Is there a reason why the methadone isn't working? I don't know much about it. I don't want to watch him do this to himself, I have to help him somehow. Sorry I know I'm going im circles aren't I. Thanks everyone who has responded. I've read every one.

 

[JessFR]

I think it's definitely worth trying an intervention.

I can't speak for your boyfriend. But I always hated how I was hurting my loved ones. Honestly of all the things I've done and regret for heroin, hurting the people I love is probably the worst.

If he sees how much he's hurting you and that you're prepared to leave in spite of loving him, there's a chance it might get him to take this seriously. I wouldn't wanna guess how likely it is, but I think it's at least worth trying.

Even if it ultimately doesn't work, it will hopefully show him why you're considering leaving and how much his behavior is hurting you. And that it's not because you don't love him or don't want to be with him. Even if he doesn't change now, hopefully it'll give him greater incentive down the line.

If you wanna be with him, I wouldn't tell him that you're leaving for good. I think you should emphasize that you very much do want to be with him, but he needs help. That you can't be with him while he's destroying your lives like this, but you hope he'll get serious about getting help and that maybe you'll be able to get back together.

That was part of what motivated me anyway. The hope that maybe I'd be able to fix my relationship. It didn't happen. And in time I've increasingly wondered if maybe that's for the best. But I don't think I'd have had as much motivation to get help if I thought everything I'd destroyed was already totally unfixable.

I would emphasize that you're not expecting him to just get better over night. But he has to be serious about getting help. Either into a rehab, or onto the 12 steps, or into a substitution program. There's various options to explore and there will likely be set backs on the way. But that whatever happens, he has to actually be trying to stop this and build a life together without the drug destroying everything.

I wish you all the best of luck in this, I really mean that.

EDIT: sorry I missed your question at the end of your post asking about the methadone. Like your boyfriend I too was on the starting dose of methadone (about 30mg) for about a year and still using.

There were several reasons but the primary one was I wasn't ready yet to get off heroin. I was still using it and mostly just using methadone as a way to keep from getting sick when I couldn't get it.

When I really got more serious about this I got on methadone again and increased it up to 80mg. And was able to stay off heroin completely for 2 years. I relapsed after that but with methadone I was still able not to have everything fall apart. It's now been 3 and a half years since I stopped using heroin every day and having me whole life revolving around it. And while as I said I had a relapse. It's never gotten anything like that bad again since.

So the main reason it's probably not working is he's not increasing the dose to the point where it can function properly at reducing cravings for heroin. And he's probably doing that because deep down he very much still wants the heroin.

That's what it was like for me anyway.

 

[Fightingback123]

Thank you Jess for all your support and advice. I really do appreciate it. Congratulations by the way on your success. That is really something to be proud of. I know from my side how impossible it seems yet you did it.. I'll keep you posted on what happens. I'll probably take alot of your advice on what to say and how to say it. He's never lost anything really so he probably hasn't had much motivation to quit I guess...I never really looked at it like that until now.

 

[Foreigner]

I'm with an addict currently and am plotting my escape. It's made easier by the fact that he's a covert narcissist who abuses me on a daily basis while I'm severely ill. I still think I can offer some advice here.

#1 You have to stop feeling sorry for him, and start stepping away. You can have compassion for him while putting up a boundary. Feeling sorry for him is actually dangerous for you. You need to start seeing it this way. It's a trap that will never end well for you. The only way to break the cycle is to leave. Further engagement will just suck you into another vortex cycle.

#2 He won't change for you and he may never change. You can be there for him all you want, you can explain things to him until you are blue in the face, and you can give him all the validation and reassurance he needs, but it's a black hole. You will never fill it. All you can do is enable him further, at this point.

#3 You can't save him, you can only save yourself. Put self-preservation first. He will just keep draining you until there's nothing left, and still won't change. You can't be his therapist. He needs professional help and has to really want it. Don't join him in the abyss.

#4 Examine your motivations for staying. Are you afraid of being single? Are you afraid of dealing with your own life without a partner? Life will get better once you're not around that energy drag. You're going to grieve and it's going to hurt, but you have to remember that there's nothing more you could do. You won't get clarity on your own life until you break this unhealthy bond.

#5 You leaving may be the rock bottom that turns his life around. Either way, you need to lovingly file this under "not my problem" and walk away.

 

[JessFR]

Unfortunately @Foreigner when you really love someone. It can sometimes be virtually impossible to stop caring and just decide it's not your problem.

You can choose to leave. You can't choose not to care. You either care or you don't.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i agree with most of what @Foreigner said, though also with @JessFR that it is difficult to stop caring about someone. but it does seem that by allowing him to think he can maintain his relationship while using, you are kind of enabling his denial, so there is certainly a compassionate argument for leaving too. especially if you can do so with leaving the door open for it he does ever get serious about stopping.

 

[JessFR]

i agree with most of what @Foreigner said, though also with @JessFR that it is difficult to stop caring about someone. but it does seem that by allowing him to think he can maintain his relationship while using, you are kind of enabling his denial, so there is certainly a compassionate argument for leaving too. especially if you can do so with leaving the door open for it he does ever get serious about stopping.

Well to be clear I'm very much in favor of telling him if he won't try and get clean you'll leave.

All I'm saying is that even if you leave, expecting someone just to choose to stop caring is naive. Sometimes you just can't help but care even if you know it's bad for you.

 

[Foreigner]

Unfortunately @Foreigner when you really love someone. It can sometimes be virtually impossible to stop caring and just decide it's not your problem.

You can choose to leave. You can't choose not to care. You either care or you don't.

I'm talking about caring with boundaries, not not caring at all.

 

[JessFR]

I'm talking about caring with boundaries, not not caring at all.

Ok then we're probably saying more or less the same thing just in a different way.

 

[Fightingback123]

I tried to talk to him...it didn't really go well. He will not admit anything. He denies everything...so I try to say how I feel about him using etc and he just looks at me like I'm crazy. My goal really wasn't to get him to admit anything although that would be nice. It's just difficult to have any type of discussion when the other person treats anything I say as completely non existant. I didn't give any ultimatum or threaten to leave or anything because the conversation was so degraded by then. I did ask him if there was anything he'd be willing to show me to prove he's not using or build trust like his bank account or something but no. Idk guys. He just explains how he's upset with me for doing x, h, and z but x, y, and z is caused by his use. Kind of a cause and effect situation.

Thanks for your post Foreigner very straightforward information. I think that is my internal dialog to myself sometimes so nice to hear someone else say. Ya I mean I think I will always care and I think once u love someone u always will but I know I can care better from afar if and when that day comes if he allows me to. It does feel like a vortex I like your verbiage there. It's scary leaving, you know just a new situation.. I guess I kind or imagined like this epiphany where he breaks down and goes to treatment or something.

It's the draining of my life energy into that is the hardest. I keep putting so much or myself into the worrying, tracking, and conversation woth him some times I just wake up the next day entirely drained.

Im sorry for your situation Foreigner and wish you good health. You sound like a very strong person...

 

[JessFR]

Unfortunately this was always a possibility.

Back when I was using heroin I told endless bold faced lies to my loved ones. I couldn't admit to it out of a combination of shame, a desire to keep using, and also... Well.. When you lie all the time you kind of create a compartmentalized part of your mind where you create this false narrative to help tell the lie. And it can sometimes make it hard not to lie because you've almost convinced yourself in the moment.

Don't let him gaslight you though. If you know he's using don't let him make you question your sanity. Don't let him turn it around on you either.

You'll have to decide what you're going to do next. You can stay, but it will likely be a long and slow downhill ride as he keeps lying and destroying himself and your mental health with it.

Or you can leave, which will also be hard in the short term. And as some people have pointed out, while he might eventually get better for hitting a point where he's willing to stop and seek help sooner. No one can say when that will happen. No one can even say IF that will happen. Sometimes people die before getting to that point.

I still think under the circumstances your be well advised to consider leaving. But of course that's your choice to make.

I can't speak for his feelings, but even when I hurt my loved ones, I still loved them. I didn't want to hurt them. I just couldn't seem to stop myself.

To this day I'd say the pain I caused the people I loved is the hardest thing to live with from when I was on heroin. Of course I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I can say that in many instances it's not that heroin addicts can't love you, and it's not that they may not care about the harm they're doing, even if they feel they can't show it.

It's that regardless of whether deep down they love you and don't want to hurt you, generally, so long as they keep using. They will hurt you. And they will lie to you. They will manipulate you. They will use you to pretty much whatever capacity they can, as long as they can. Bleeding you dry if they get a chance.

Don't let him. Not only for your own well being, but also because chances are it will ultimately hurt him too. I wish all the time that my loved ones had just cut me off completely, no exceptions, much earlier than they did. Because then I wouldn't have been able to hurt them as long. And would have less to feel guilt for now.

Whatever you decide. I wish you luck. And of course you're welcome to stay here on bluelight if you wish to seek other emotional support. If you so wish.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i think if you have tried to talk to him to no avail then you need to lay your cards out. decide what to say ahead of time. if you say you will leave then you need to mean it. boundaries are important to protect yourself but addicts need to know they cannot be overstepped without consequences.

do the typical things for avoiding conflict by sticking to how you feel etc rather than blame, if leaving is your choice of action (and tbh i think it should be) then something along the lines of 'i feel completely drained by your use of heroin, so i am going to leave. if you decide to get help i will be there for you and maybe we can work things out once you are in recovery.' then leave it at that, its not a conversation, you've tried that. i have had to do things like this, i write them out in advance then go through with my therapist but i'm sure there are people on here who would be happy to help if you take that route.

 

[Hierophanty]

Thank you for understanding. This has had a huge negative impact on my mental health in trying to navigate this really on my own. You guys have been the most help. I'm learning alot about myself on the way...like the fact that I have been in denial most of our relationship that this has been going on because I did and do believe in him and because I knew I couldn't handle knowing the truth I guess. I've learned while some people would of left a long time ago.. I'm really struggling in doing so and letting go. I feel. Bad for leaving. It hurts you know I have confronted him so many times and before I got really sneaky (and confirmed what was going on) he really did make me feel like I was crazy for thinking that he was using. When he is home I will stand by the bathroom door and try to hear every sound. I've invested SO much of my time and energy into it. Some days I feel completely drained because I've exerted so much into this battle. I try to talk to him often he hates it. It always escalates very quickly even tho I always go in with a positive attitude and hopeful. I haven't like given him any ultimatums or anything maybe I will once I confirm what to do so its actually something I can follow through with.

I can relate my ex husband was an alcoholic and still is, nothing I ever did was going to change that. It was exhausting. We had kids and in the end it was that, that pushed me to move on.
I had hyper vigilance as well, I could tell how drunk he was by the way he put the keys in the door or they way he walked.
It is a truma response.
Being with this person is causing you trauma.
Think of yourself.