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April Recovery Thread

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thanks man. i got help in rehab. i had a version of emdr that does not require activation of the traumatic memories, because it would not have been safe in this instance. it did really help, as in i no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for ptsd. but i'm left with sadness about what happened and extreme sensitivity.

i try to reach acceptance. and sometimes i really think i've got it. then find out i don't. my most recent trigger was someone else, who went through similar but for 9 years, as a child, being denied justice. i couldn't lose my shit at the time cos i had to support her, but afterwards i discovered i am totally not accepting of the fact that i will never get justice. so now i know i need to accept that too. maybe if i do i'll get some peace for a while. maybe there's an end to this, where i'll have accepted everything.

i'm still seeing a therapist and i'm gonna talk with her about it. i have the number of a specialist counselling service but i feel kinda guilty about the idea of taking up their time when others might need it more.

i hope you got whatever you needed to done CH, without too much pain.
 
Acceptance isn't something I'll ever reach. In the absurdist philosophy perspective, I'm not really aligned that way. It's something I work on because I am a logical person, and I do believe I'm smart enough to know that unless I work on accepting the way things are, I will remain severely unhappy. Ironically the conditional doesn't ensure actual acceptance or working on it ever leads to any degree of happiness or "moving on". That's not necessarily the same thing. But it is mind clearing, it's nice and it lets me "focus on the now" or whatever you want to call it. It lets me grieve but also move on and not break down every time I think of a depressing fact.

I was actually lucky and don't feel too much physical pain but I might wake up in a lot of pain. Often your joints, especially as you age, won't "feel it" until the next day. When you're younger you're just SO VERY numb to pain naturally. Especially joint/inflammation type shit.

I've also accepted to ask for help at times and it's helped me in certain circumstances. I just have to know what my limitations are, we all do. It's a learning process. Thank you for your kind words earlier I just felt obligated to try to repress that still. I do not like what thinking about the past does to my mind. Pandora's box and such.

Sometimes acceptance can merely just be accepting that it is OK to be thankful you survived it. Survivor's guilt is a real thing and a lot of people don't know they are really going through it. It's OK to know you lived through something and are still going forward. Not everyone will. It's not OK to look back on things and think about "what if's" = they aren't real. There's just one reality, we happen to be living in it. Sometimes acceptance is just knowing my crappy attitude will OR MIGHT pass (sometimes it doesn't and things just get worse). Sometimes for me acceptance is just knowing I'll be feeling better soon, because I'll get to go to sleep and *maybe not have nightmares*. I know that was pretty pathetic, right. But sometimes I just accept life isn't going to be fun, it won't always be some fantastic ride and it involves hard work, pain, suffering. We'll all get through this.
 
cj said:
Damn that's crazy. I've never had to wait that long. Where you able to finish inducting?
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Yes. I did continue the induction. Trashed my entire apartment while in pw. I kept saying (to noone in particular) "help me. Help me". It ended at about 4hrs, and I passed out.

I took more sub. That was on day one obviously. cj - I know right?! I usually wait 12hrs. And that doesn't happen.

Induction, is pretty uncomfortable for me. It takes about 4ish days until I'm stable. Yesterday, (day 3) I got a little dope. I used it after taking 6-8mg of sub. I was trying to get some relief from the physical symptoms.

It helped a little. I'm back on course. Please hang in there cj. Going on a tear only makes things worse. I'm here for you - no matter what. S
 
chinup said:
thanks man. i got help in rehab. i had a version of emdr that does not require activation of the traumatic memories, because it would not have been safe in this instance. it did really help, as in i no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for ptsd. but i'm left with sadness about what happened and extreme sensitivity.

i try to reach acceptance. and sometimes i really think i've got it. then find out i don't. my most recent trigger was someone else, who went through similar but for 9 years, as a child, being denied justice. i couldn't lose my shit at the time cos i had to support her, but afterwards i discovered i am totally not accepting of the fact that i will never get justice. so now i know i need to accept that too. maybe if i do i'll get some peace for a while. maybe there's an end to this, where i'll have accepted everything.

i'm still seeing a therapist and i'm gonna talk with her about it. i have the number of a specialist counselling service but i feel kinda guilty about the idea of taking up their time when others might need it more.

i hope you got whatever you needed to done CH, without too much pain.
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jdfisse said:
The only thing I understand fully is that I understand nothing fully. 2,413 days, clean, a day at a time...
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Amen brother
 
chinup said:
thanks stargazer. i'm losing faith that i can make it. i've never heard of anyone in NA with years of clean time having been through anything similar to me. not that i expect they would tell me, but now if i ever get that far i will fucking explain exactly what happened to me so if there's someone in a similar situation, they can know its possible.

i've basically decided that i'll use when i get my own place. i can change my mind later. its getting me through, making things tolerable for now.

has anyone got any experience of gut problems after quitting gear? i know i hammered my digestion system with anorexia, then made an erosion in my stomach through drinking, then got so so thin not eating while on crack, though not as bad as anorexia, plus 6 years of heroin. its not been right since but it was ok-ish.

i recently attempted to quit smoking. i cut down a lot, then made it 3 days, then chose to smoke because i needed to know if it was nicotine withdrawal destroying my digestive system or if i needed to go to a doctor, like i was so bloated it hurt. i'm now on 2-4 cigs a day, its relieved the symptoms a bit but there's a lot of discomfort. now the right hand side of my lower to mid back is so painful i can barely move and i'm guessing its related to my general stomach symptoms. has anyone experienced anything similar?
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Chinup-

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I totally understand that sucky feeling.

Don't take this wrong, but you aren't as unique in your pain as you may think. I mean that in a positive way. I often feel that way as well, and remind myself that's my not always right mind.

Ive been through ALOT. Believe that. BUT, that's the past. It's gone. Only I can keep it alive by thinking about it.

Cmon chinup. Dig down deep. Use what you've learned. Play your base like a maniac You're better than living in the grip of dope and crack. Much better. xoxo
 
Stargazer said:
It's gone. Only I can keep it alive by thinking about it.
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Yeah but I have flashbacks and get triggered. Sometimes people like me, perhaps chinup (I'll let them speak for themselves) don't want to keep thinking about this, we wish we could just forget and not have the thoughts haunt us.
 
Very nice of you to allow others to speak for themselves Cap.

Gee, I wouldnt have any flashbacks with the plethora of trauma I've been through - being molested by my grandfather, rape, jail, my house burning down with all my childhood photos and videos. I have nothing from my deceased parents to look at or touch. To name a few.

But yeah. I wouldn't understand. I was referring to thinking about using. But thanks for the useful information.
 
Yeah I can be really wrong and I try not to guess things I don't know. Their mindset, emotions, thoughts could be radically different. It might not be like that for them at all and I don't want to minimize other people's experiences.

I am so sorry about all those hardships. I didn't mean to pick apart what you were saying in a negative way.

"It" can mean a lot of things and I must have misunderstood - so sorry.

I woke up feeling great today. Did a bit more cleaning. Looking forward to a moment of peace, relaxation, clarity again.
 
I'm still struggling quite a bit. Even when I laugh I can feel suicidal. Even on good days I'm still thinking about ways out. I try not to obsess about it.

Working toward a better tomorrow.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm still struggling quite a bit. Even when I laugh I can feel suicidal. Even on good days I'm still thinking about ways out. I try not to obsess about it.

Working toward a better tomorrow.
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Any clear reason why? What’s your drug of choice?
 
Shatter [relatively high potency marijuana extract for those not in the know]. All I want are dabs all day long and I space it out quite a bit and I should probably quit but I don't think I'm capable of it.

I've been suicidal a long time and a lot of shit has hit the fan in a very small amount of time in my life. Mental health in the gutter.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Shatter [relatively high potency marijuana extract for those not in the know]. All I want are dabs all day long and I space it out quite a bit and I should probably quit but I don't think I'm capable of it.

I've been suicidal a long time and a lot of shit has hit the fan in a very small amount of time in my life. Mental health in the gutter.
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Fuck anyone that says “weeds not addictive”, hope you feel better. Why not try just smoking it, dabs are intenseee
 
Oh well I can get why people say that. Whether CB-1 partial agonism is "addictive" was largely up for debate; when RC cannabinoids came out and people started to go through CB-1 full agonism withdrawal, it became clearer to everyone these compounds are indeed physically addictive. Bizarre.

I can't feel anything if I smoke pot; I save pot for when I run out of shatter so I have something to "taper" with.

(I know this is really fucking pathetic compared to hard drug addictions)
 
In about 5 hours it'll be three weeks off subutex. Definitely over the worst of it now. Just some lingering wds that seem to come and go. Can't believe I've made it this long, after my 13 year run id never thought I'd make it. Only thing things I've been using are advil and pot. I've actually been down to taking a single tiny hit only once a day for about the last 10 days or so. Soon thatll be phased out too. Just don't have much desire to use anything anymore.
 
Congrats! I'm at a point of no cravings too for most stuff, other than shatter.

Very awesome to hear people getting off bupe.
 
I spent about 10 out of those 13 years on methadone. For me id always hit a spot with tapering that I could never get past. If I didn't switch to subs if never would of never made it with methadone. Feels great to think about what my future holds.

I've had shatter and 99% thc in cartridge form but have never taken a dab. If I tried one i feel like I would just smoke my self stupid.
 
It's very intense and I do quite enjoy it. I just wish I didn't NEED it, you know? But whatever. I'll be alright.

That "this is as low as I can go" feeling, I had that with buprenorphine. The dosage seemed to go UP over the years, probably due to nociception differences related to aging because I'm old as fuck.
 
After a minor slip up, stopping drugs, again, because I want a better life, full of natural excitement. I also start a new job today, with an hourly wage above my previous job. Going on a vacation this Sunday.. Don't have enough money to go out every night, but going to wear my high school hat and have a real fun, goofy and exciting time. God fuck me if i spend this vacation watching TV. Hell no bro we're going to the beach to drink, blasting tunes, dancing in the house, tanning out in the back yard, smoking weed on the hammock, posting nudes on BL, going for a joy ride, visiting Old Man Jenkins, playing "who's in my mouth?", watching the Celtics play-off games (this is not up for debate), meeting new people, cooking meals, youtube karaoke, etc. etc.
 
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Congrats on the job madness. You are a smart guy.

I haven't had a vacation in a long, long time.
 
Stargazer said:
Don't take this wrong, but you aren't as unique in your pain as you may think.
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i didn't take that the wrong way. I actually know this. Almost everybody who gets bad on these things has some severe pain. My stumbling block was not knowing of anyone who has years of clean time in NA who has gone through anything really painful. So i was starting to think that it just doesn't work for some people. i shared about it at a women meeting, said exactly what i was upset about, and how hopeless i felt, and 2 women with years of clean time opened up to me about their histories. it gave me hope.

thank you for sharing yours too. i really hope both you and CH, and me, get some peace one day. people shouldn't have to live like this.
 
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