I can't fucking stop using. I'm so fucking screwed. I woke up yesterday saying I'm not going to use again. I was high by 4 in the afternoon. Like fuck....
You need to personally explore why you're doing this to yourself, if you're at all in control of it (I was not; if I was high on heroin in a few hours from now, I'd want to stay on it until I ran out and go through wd, etc.)
If you're one of those people (read: If; not everyone is) who cannot use without desiring to use it all the time/obsessed with it, what not, you just have to avoid it. You have to. This is why I absolutely cannot use opiates, I admitted it to myself, it is a weakness, and it is something I find is wrong with me so to speak. I am not perfect, no one is. Being in denial about it was not doing me any good.
Now I'm not saying YOU have this problem, buddy. I'm not. Not everyone does. Only a small part of the human population is like me in this regard. But if you are, if, then please just admit it to yourself, you don't even have to tell anyone else or us, it can be a private matter. I was in denial for a long time. I thought I could "go back" to using buprenorphine once and not relapsing. No, I am not. I thought I could use heroin "just once" and not relapse. I could, but only on Suboxone and I'm sure if I did that sober I'd *immediately* want more, more, more, more, more and I would never give it up again until I was fully addicted again.
I'm not trying to lecture you, I just want to share my personal story, insight to help you out. Not everyone is cut out to chip with dope. Not everyone can do it with meth. I can use meth, just one dose one day, and leave it alone for a long time. I know I'm in a severe minority of people. I am NOT able to do this with heroin, bupe or any good opiate (I wouldn't even care for hydrocodone/oxycodone, trash drugs). I just am not. When I admitted this to myself, I stopped letting an object take control of me. It was very relieving.
Some perspective: if I had to guess, you're using because you're in a new area of your life, a new location, and things are weird, strange, hard, different, and you feel alienated because there's a lot of blockheads around you who believe in god and their "Higher power" and have the fake "Remaining men together" Type group-help inauthentic bullshit going on. You probably feel like the narrator from Fight Club and just need to legitimately struggle and talk about what's really going on, and struggle with existential issues like there not being a god, life not having meaning, and still accepting that you can enjoy life despite its lack of meaning and what not. No one is going to help you with this: human society is full of parasites, blockheads who only know to suck on tits to get by.
Look around you. You're surrounded by orally fixated individuals who are severe drug addicts. They are stuck on the tit, their mother's tit they probably did not get enough of. They did not mentally progress past age... 7. You probably did, to spite the people who harmed you in life, not because of them, and you're a really smart person. IT IS LONELY AT THE TOP in words I cannot quite describe properly. You probably feel alone, and the fact you know you're a bit better off mentally than those around you in terms of intelligence (if not mental health) makes you feel like a SHITTIER human being and not a BETTER one, because like me you also probably have relatively low self-esteem (making a guess here; feel free to let me know if I'm wrong).
No wonder you're using. I would want a way out, a distraction too. Except I'm at a point in my life where I know how to avoid situations that will trigger me. It is possible that where you are in life right now is triggering you and that is why you're using. It might also be the problem is in your mind. It might be a bit of both. Explore these ideas.
You're worth it. You're worth getting clean. You can still get clean when YOU are ready. Not when someone else wants you to be, not an artificial date, when YOU are ready. And we are going to be here to help you when you're ready, man. You're worth it.
I'm always so fucking paranoid the day after I shoot up. Like I used to be so incredibly unsterile in the past. I never even had an access. This last time I went out of my way to be sterile and I'm still obsessively googling the symptoms of endocarditis because my chest vaguely hurts. I had to walk 4 miles yesterday so that's probably why it hurts but my brain won't accept that.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a compulsion to get high but I don't enjoy it very much when I do get high.
If you're not used to walking 4 miles it can happen. I used to walk like 12, 16 miles a day, still do at times. My heart takes it even with high BP, believe it or not.
Try to analyze the compulsion for what it is, the NACC part of your brain screaming out for something really enjoyable (THINK: SEX, FOOD) that is natural and there not being anything that truly satisfies you in the real world, because of (I'm not saying about YOU here but in my case, in others' cases...) anhedonia, obsession/preoccupation with the drug, memories of using and what that feels like, depression (LOTS AND LOTS OF DEPRESSION), anxiety and so on.
You CAN feel good satisfying yourself in other ways without drugs and you'll feel way better getting into that man, trust me. I'm so glad I put the needle down, left bupe in the past and got into other things again. It felt like shit for a VERY LONG TIME but I cannot underscore how thankful I am to have done it. If someone like me can do it, who was always around the clock injecting non-stop you can too. It's not impossible, you are a smart guy, you're worth it and it might take a long time to get it to work for you but it can work if you want it to.
