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April Recovery Thread

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Purpose and meaning are largely elusive to the human soul; this is a part of absurdism.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life

I normally don't just link to wiki's but this is quite involved and I do like the work put into the page.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life#Ancient_Greek_philosophy

is probably the most relevant section.

Cyrenaicism is largely going to be a subconscious reality or gravitational attraction for most of us here, I think. Epicureanism is an ideal humans strive for but find lacking in the modern world.

Whether life even has meaning is debatable itself, i.e. absurdism.

Not enough mind-power is put into observing meaning of life. I have been struggling with absurdism for a while.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life#Popular_views

is probably most relevant to everyone asking this question; put most simply, etc.

"To achieve biological perfection" = yes people really believe this. I have met and encounter people who sincerely tell me things like this and I respect their opinions but it is quite lost on me. "to realize one's own potentials and ideals" makes a lot more sense to me. "To seek wisdom/knowledge" seems significant too. "To do good/the right thing" is also a good choice.

More preposterous ideas which I'm sure many of us have subconsciously weighed on/off before

One should not seek to know and understand the meaning of life
  • The answer to the meaning of life is too profound to be known and understood.[171]
  • You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.[143]
  • The meaning of life is to forget about the search for the meaning of life.[143]
  • Ultimately, a person should not ask what the meaning of their life is, but rather must recognize that it is they themselves who are asked. In a word, each person is questioned by life; and they can only answer to life by answering for their own life; to life they can only respond by being responsible.
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The second bullet point is profoundly and grotesquely presented in the horror movie Martyrs. The third bullet point is lost on someone like me who deeply considers meaning of life philosophy during psychedelic trips. "Was this worth it, was this real, what was I doing this all for" are important questions individuals should ask themselves frequently throughout life. But it can be terrifying and I understand someone who doesn't want to think about such matters. It's still lost on me though. The fourth bullet point doesn't even make sense to me.

Antinatalism
  • Antinatalism is a philosophy which posits that people will always experience pain or harm which outweighs any pleasure.[212] Life is bad and therefore not coming into existence means people will not experience pain, nor will they be disadvantaged by not experiencing pleasure as they do not exist.[212] This is described as the asymmetry of pleasure and pain.[212]
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This is more akin to "life is suffering" in Buddhist philosophy; this actually makes a lot more sense than NOT TRYING to seek out meaning of life or DELIBERATELY IGNORING IT. At least to me.

If anyone does believe in anything I can't fathom please enlighten me, I don't mind other perspectives and thoroughly enjoy this subject.

I bolded this last part; very fantastic thought.
 
madness00 said:
Wow.. congrats jdfisse. That's quite the number.

Aside from the ball of crack my plug owes me and my excursion in April, I am getting sober. I can turn it on and off like a facet, it's just when I have too much free time or feel like I have nothing to live for I give back in. Right now I have a lot to live for, and a lot of maturing I need to do. I'll start a family soon. I'll bust out of where I am living and working and live up to my full potential, so I can have enough money to live where ever I desire and put my kids through the best school system, as well as be able to live in a place where I feel comfortable inviting over women. I'll become more proactive in finding the right people for me, instead of waiting for others to come. I'll maintain and develop ties I have with friends and family. I'll work on my attitude by being respectful, honesty and trying to be less impulsive. I'll start things off right from the beginning, instead of failing and trying to repair the unfixable.
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❤️ You got this ??
 
Hey Captian is your avatar picture you? its bin a while. I still remember reading your story of when ....

It was a good read you should bump it and let some new comers read it.
Hope all is well!
 
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Just hanging in there.

Peace&Love,
jasper

"When I was poor and I complained about inequality people said I was bitter, now I'm rich and complain about inequality they say I'm a hypocrite. I'm starting to think they just don't want to talk about inequality. " -- Russell Brand
 
Lol me too Chinup. Me too..... This shit is so fucked up. Im like a moth to a flame with this shit. On the plus side I 100 percent now know that focusing on recovery makes me relapse. I just can't shake that fuck you I won't do what you tell me thing.
 
fuck cj its bad. i'm sorry you're feeling the same way.

my brain just came up with doing myself in as an alternative to gear. i really wish i'd thrown out my clonazepam and quetiapine now cos its sorely tempting. though it wouldn't make much difference my dad's codeine is like 2 meters away and he doesn't take it. its all calling to me but i'm gonna try and be strong for tonight at least. i don't wanna use when i'm living at my parents it would make my life unbearable.

i'm starting to doubt whether NA's promise that 'any addict can be free of active addiction' really applies to me (all universal quantifiers are pretty much false anyway). i've not met anyone there who has been through such relentless really traumatic shit as me and has years of clean time.
 
My brain keeps harping on the do myself in with heroin thing. I know I'm supposed to be positive and shit but honestly I don't feel positive. I don't know like if I'm going to be miserable no matter what then I think I would rather do heroin. I just love drugs. I don't like myself and the only way I can get away from myself is with drugs.

I was voluntold to this AA intergroup training today. They want me too answer phones and funnel people into a treatment I don't believe in. It just hurts my soul. I'm sure I'll get fired when I start giving out the methadone clinics number.....

It's funny. The first 10 days here I went to more meetings then I had too. I kind of liked them. But as soon as I started getting coerced into things it just turned into dread. Well and the obvious stuff like saying the Lord's prayer to open the meeting in a totally non religious program that just happens to be based on turning your life over to God. Nope no religion there.

I'm not suicidal but I wouldn't mind a fatal od
 
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Damn. Some fucking people that you're forced to deal with. One bad apple...it just makes things difficult.

Cj - I'm glad it worked out for you Don't get discouraged - it's too early to While it may be true, not many make it - Many do. I've been in packed meetings w people that have years of clean time. You can be one of the ones that makes it. You too chinup.

Look how far you've both come. Further than either of you ever believed was possible.

I went through pw after waiting 36hrs to take sub. Wtf?! I was flailing around, pouring sweat, wanting to kill myself but physically unable to. There must've been something long-acting in the shit. Glad it's over ffs.

I'm really happy Spring is basically here.
 
Damn that's crazy. I've never had to wait that long. Where you able to finish inducting?
 
Cy -

For me, meaning comes from serving others. I was pretty old before I realized that’s where I get my purpose - mid thirties, and I wish I had found it sooner.

I’m an atheist and am not working toward any better place or afterlife. This is life, it’s the only life I’m going to get (unless I end up burning in hell, in which case, I still think this is the only life I get and that hell is just eternal torment if I understand correctly). There is so much pain and suffering in this life, I’ve had my fair share of it. The only purpose I can find out of any of this is to try and make the world a better place for me and everyone else in it.

I know that may sound like bullshit, but for me, it’s true. I had to start small - volunteering in a crisis clinic (in the call center for suicide prevention). I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing but I could be a ear to listen - and they did send me through a brief training before cutting me loose. Anyway, I’ve found other opportunities from there.

I don’t spend 80% of my time volunteering - I have a full time job and I work about 50 hours a week. But I do give back as often as I can. That has helped me tremendously.

Best of luck finding your purpose Cy. I think unfortunately, it’s different for everyone.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
I’m an atheist and am not working toward any better place or afterlife. This is life, it’s the only life I’m going to get (unless I end up burning in hell, in which case, I still think this is the only life I get and that hell is just eternal torment if I understand correctly). There is so much pain and suffering in this life, I’ve had my fair share of it. The only purpose I can find out of any of this is to try and make the world a better place for me and everyone else in it.
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Oh gee I didn't write that whoa LOL, very refreshing to hear similar opinions from other like-minded people.

"Heaven" doesn't await for you in the grave, or the coffin. Or the next life. It is here, now, and it's what you make of it. I think I'm ripping off Rand when I say that though.

It feels great to help out others and give back to the community.

cj said:
I'm not suicidal but I wouldn't mind a fatal od
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Consider yourself 1 step ahead of me. I am deeply suicidal most of the time and don't want to feel high or use most drugs. I just want a peaceful way out and my brain is still revolving pretty heavily around that.

I've managed to have "good days", pull back from it a bit but there's just so much stress and I'm not in a good place right now.

Your life is totally worth living man.
 
I wish I could pool all our pains into a single, flammable unit - light it up and smoke it.

Peace and love everyone.
 
thanks stargazer. i'm losing faith that i can make it. i've never heard of anyone in NA with years of clean time having been through anything similar to me. not that i expect they would tell me, but now if i ever get that far i will fucking explain exactly what happened to me so if there's someone in a similar situation, they can know its possible.

i've basically decided that i'll use when i get my own place. i can change my mind later. its getting me through, making things tolerable for now.

has anyone got any experience of gut problems after quitting gear? i know i hammered my digestion system with anorexia, then made an erosion in my stomach through drinking, then got so so thin not eating while on crack, though not as bad as anorexia, plus 6 years of heroin. its not been right since but it was ok-ish.

i recently attempted to quit smoking. i cut down a lot, then made it 3 days, then chose to smoke because i needed to know if it was nicotine withdrawal destroying my digestive system or if i needed to go to a doctor, like i was so bloated it hurt. i'm now on 2-4 cigs a day, its relieved the symptoms a bit but there's a lot of discomfort. now the right hand side of my lower to mid back is so painful i can barely move and i'm guessing its related to my general stomach symptoms. has anyone experienced anything similar?
 
Oops! We ran into some problems.
The requested thread could not be found.
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I DID IT! Winston's job is the fucking best.

tenor.gif


totach said:
Hey Captian is your avatar picture you? its bin a while. I still remember reading your story of when ...
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I'm sorry but I had to remove that. I hope you can understand. I am not mentally well and I'd like to keep this all under a heavy rock forever now to help myself remain stable.

NSFW:
roger.jpeg


chinup said:
thanks stargazer. i'm losing faith that i can make it. i've never heard of anyone in NA with years of clean time having been through anything similar to me. not that i expect they would tell me, but now if i ever get that far i will fucking explain exactly what happened to me so if there's someone in a similar situation, they can know its possible.
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I don't go to NA because I fucking hate myself and I hate social situations like that. I just do.

I can't say I've been through something "similar to you", but I was once rather fond of (addicted to) heroin, etc. I'm sure everyone knows my stupid story. I can't say it is anything similar to what you've been through. I've read of much heavier addictions with worse withdrawals than I've been through, though I have had long-lasting PAWS, it probably was mediated due to buprenorphine etc. etc. etc.

Stay well chinup

Can you see a doctor? Just say you are having stomach issues and they might try to help it, or whatever. It might not even be the drugs, there are a lot of different stomach issues etc. and I am sorry to hear about what you're struggling with. You're worth it, just keep trying day by day.
 
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thanks man. i've heard of people getting out of heavier habits that lasted longer than i've been alive. i mean more why i got so bad- i was raped on a weekly basis for the best part of a year. its hard to explain and i'll just lose my shit. i was in my 20s and already a heroin addict. i don't sit around moping about it but its clearly affected me deeply and i'm a hair trigger for any references to sexual violence.

i'm grateful i'm not on a life sentence for murder. i got obsessed with killing the guy so moved cities.

i've actually got a drs appointment on monday anyway. thank fuck.
 
I'm very sorry to hear that, have you gotten help?

Acceptance is a blessing. It's not about forgiveness, I don't even think about it like that. I just try to accept what has happened so I can just move forward to enjoy what little I have left. I know not everyone is "there yet" or even wants to be. I get that.

I have to be off soon, and it's going to suck, relatively because I'm in pain and I have stuff I physically have to do. Oh, the fun of inflammation based pain.
 
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