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April Recovery Thread

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Toady I'm struggling guys. Not with my recovery, just wanting to live in general. I'm beyond determined to stay clean from opiates/heroin. Almost any other drug other than prescribed medicine for mental disorders or shatter isn't even on my radar.

everettian interpretation of quantum mechanics
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If I wasn't busy as fuck and had to run soon I would read up on this; I have never heard of it, right over my stupid-person brain.

i have a phd in quantum computing
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So basically I can never catch up, lol. I love intelligent people that put their minds to higher/harder sciences than I did. They are all almost exclusively heterosexual (JUST AN OBSERVATION I'm not trying to offend anyone). It is very lonely at the top. I imagine less so for heterosexuals but, then again, what do I know?

consciousness may well be an emergent phenomenon
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Exactly. You're an animal, and you know what you are and what you're going through. The sensation you're in control is merely an illusion.

Funnily enough I used to believe in free will when I was a lot younger and had a brighter future and wasn't as depressed, or if I was I got treatment for it. I do try to remind myself I can be wrong about a lot of things, everything, etc. Doesn't really dissuade me from what I'm thinking now.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Toady I'm struggling guys. Not with my recovery, just wanting to live in general. I'm beyond determined to stay clean from opiates/heroin. Almost any other drug other than prescribed medicine for mental disorders or shatter isn't even on my radar.



If I wasn't busy as fuck and had to run soon I would read up on this; I have never heard of it, right over my stupid-person brain.



So basically I can never catch up, lol. I love intelligent people that put their minds to higher/harder sciences than I did. They are all almost exclusively heterosexual (JUST AN OBSERVATION I'm not trying to offend anyone). It is very lonely at the top. I imagine less so for heterosexuals but, then again, what do I know?



Exactly. You're an animal, and you know what you are and what you're going through. The sensation you're in control is merely an illusion.

Funnily enough I used to believe in free will when I was a lot younger and had a brighter future and wasn't as depressed, or if I was I got treatment for it. I do try to remind myself I can be wrong about a lot of things, everything, etc. Doesn't really dissuade me from what I'm thinking now.
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You got a big old mind captain heroin, why not give that a rest once in a while and be a dumb animal with the rest of us? Let positive things echo around in your head, doesn’t it kind of suck to see the world like this? Consciousness is pretty tragic really but you don’t need to let it get you down. Love your new profile picture by the way
 
I couldn’t be better this month, as of Friday I’m no longer facing a levy of charges for various crimes and 5-15 years of prison. All my cases are being thrown out! Gainful employment here I come.
 
LOL Thanks

I am loving it too.

I sincerely am doing my best to work away from suicidal thoughts. I really am. Nothing works for me. S-ketamine, MDMA, nope. No relief of depression. The only stuff that works for me is not that great for long-term use and I'm so down right now * I don't want drugs *

All I'm using is shatter, caffeine, rx'd benzos as needed (mostly don't use them even when panicking, I use them more for insomnia relief). I am even using less shatter than normal and I'm not craving it as much as I used to. No cravings, no desire to use. I'd probably feel gross looking at tar heroin or meth and not want to use it.

My brain is so sick and my mind/spirit are giving up in tandem. It feels like the rug has been pulled from beneath my feet. I've worked really, really hard at recovery and shit and it feels like nothing is ever enough. I'm sure all human beings go through that "it's never enough" thing too, it's not just me.

I've decided to try living out a few months before acting impulsively. I was doing *really fucking well* this last week and something happened today and it just kind of made me snap.

cyberius said:
I couldn’t be better this month, as of Friday I’m no longer facing a levy of charges for various crimes and 5-15 years of prison. All my cases are being thrown out! Gainful employment here I come.
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I'm really happy for you man, I remember you were struggling hard with stuff like addiction; didn't know about the charges but very glad to hear that. Believe in yourself. Try not to give up on yourself like I feel I have.
 
Im still sober but I feel like it's getting harder everyday. I haven't been functional the last week because my anxiety is just out of control. Trying to find a job is making it way worse. I don't feel like I'm ready to work but at the same time I feel like a loser for not working. It's hard to find a job because the sober living puts all these restrictions on when I can work and I have a warrant in another state. Not to mention a non-existent work history. Stressing about it.

Wanted to cut really bad. I find myself looking at a website dedicated to self harm again. Seeing the cuts and blood triggers the fuck out of me. Then I see the ugly scars on my arms and I realize how fucked my brain is.

I have that spinning feeling again. Like things are moving faster then I can tolerate.
 
cj said:
Im still sober but I feel like it's getting harder everyday. I haven't been functional the last week because my anxiety is just out of control. Trying to find a job is making it way worse. I don't feel like I'm ready to work but at the same time I feel like a loser for not working. It's hard to find a job because the sober living puts all these restrictions on when I can work and I have a warrant in another state. Not to mention a non-existent work history. Stressing about it.
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You're right man, it's going to get harder, every day. You can do it though, and there's a point where things will start falling into place. I mean I have years of no opiates/heroin/bupe under my belt and practically gave up injection drug use...still miserable, still get to dark places. The smallest (or sometimes a MEDIUM thing...) can trigger me instantly and I'm a train-wreck.

Sometimes it just takes people a few months of "the rhythm" of having a job, waking up, only having a cup of coffee ONLY THIS IS ALL YOU GET, working, coming home feeling tired as hell, perhaps proud of what you did or not at all because nothing matters anymore but you're doing this anyways, poor sleep due to hard work and work stress and smelling like the cooking oil at your job (if it's fast food; many of us can relate to this, I am sure, user or non-user), responsibilities and bills pile up.

The thing is eventually all that hard work pays off and you'll have enough money to live on your own two feet and it'll be a very freeing feeling. Some far-left people think this whole grind is taxing, abusive, slavery etc. to the working class but I argue it is not, this is what hard working people do. All of my heroes in my personal life were hard workers. People with a solid work ethic are going to be nicer, friendlier and they are going to want you to do well in life versus lazy/non-committed people IN GENERAL - there are of course exceptions to any rule. But trust me building some work ethic *of any kind* will build some character and self-respect and self-esteem. Even if we have hard days.

The "something missing" component that many addicts in recovery or otherwise discuss might be this piece for many men. I myself don't like to think of the "something missing" theory but go with "icing on the cake" type example. Donuts versus bagels, I don't know. Eventually you find contentment in the little things again. I remember going through heroin withdrawal once many, many years ago and smiling at the little things again randomly happened and it was a glimmer of hope.
 
Yeah I think striving for contentment in sobriety is important. Realistically it is very difficult to be "happy, stoked" whatever every goddamn day. So I strive to be content.
 
cj said:
Im still sober but I feel like it's getting harder everyday. I haven't been functional the last week because my anxiety is just out of control. Trying to find a job is making it way worse. I don't feel like I'm ready to work but at the same time I feel like a loser for not working. It's hard to find a job because the sober living puts all these restrictions on when I can work and I have a warrant in another state. Not to mention a non-existent work history. Stressing about it.

Wanted to cut really bad. I find myself looking at a website dedicated to self harm again. Seeing the cuts and blood triggers the fuck out of me. Then I see the ugly scars on my arms and I realize how fucked my brain is.

I have that spinning feeling again. Like things are moving faster then I can tolerate.
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Just take things one thing at a time friend.

Out of that whole post the most important thing you said was “I’m still sober”. As long as you stay off whatever drug you long for everything will have a funny way of working out better than you ever expected.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
LOL Thanks

I am loving it too.

I sincerely am doing my best to work away from suicidal thoughts. I really am. Nothing works for me. S-ketamine, MDMA, nope. No relief of depression. The only stuff that works for me is not that great for long-term use and I'm so down right now * I don't want drugs *

All I'm using is shatter, caffeine, rx'd benzos as needed (mostly don't use them even when panicking, I use them more for insomnia relief). I am even using less shatter than normal and I'm not craving it as much as I used to. No cravings, no desire to use. I'd probably feel gross looking at tar heroin or meth and not want to use it.

My brain is so sick and my mind/spirit are giving up in tandem. It feels like the rug has been pulled from beneath my feet. I've worked really, really hard at recovery and shit and it feels like nothing is ever enough. I'm sure all human beings go through that "it's never enough" thing too, it's not just me.

I've decided to try living out a few months before acting impulsively. I was doing *really fucking well* this last week and something happened today and it just kind of made me snap.



I'm really happy for you man, I remember you were struggling hard with stuff like addiction; didn't know about the charges but very glad to hear that. Believe in yourself. Try not to give up on yourself like I feel I have.
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Why not try going cold turkey on everything? Speaking as someone that found such relief in ketamine, weed, acid, mdma, benzos.. there came a point with me where the lightest euphoric push makes me completely ill after. I still drink occasionally and trip, cheif, but it just feels so indescribably toxic now like my body is just demanding that I just stop altering for a while and sit with my real self.

By all means, I said to myself many times if this doesn’t get better I’m going to run wild, but the more I put myself into normality the more it gets better. Give it a fair honest and full try and if you’re still stuck in hell nobodys gonna blame you for taking off like a bat out of hell
 
I have tried going without cannabis and it has never ended well. I don't use alprazolam every day, just as needed. I can't see myself 100% off everything. I've made a lot of progress that I'm happy with.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Toady I'm struggling guys.
....

So basically I can never catch up, lol. I love intelligent people that put their minds to higher/harder sciences than I did. They are all almost exclusively heterosexual (JUST AN OBSERVATION I'm not trying to offend anyone). It is very lonely at the top. I imagine less so for heterosexuals but, then again, what do I know?
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i hope things get easier for you. i really admire your determination.

the everettian interpretation is also known as the 'many worlds' interpretation. the wave function only looks like it collapses to us, because we always end up in one specific branch of the multiverse, every possibility happens in some branch.

you probably can catch up but i wouldn't recommend it, the stress of earning my PhD destroyed me. i'm not its sensible for recovering drug addicts to knowingly put themselves in such a position. i hadn't noticed but you are right about academics being mostly heterosexual, on pure demographics you should have 1 in 10 who aren't but its nowhere near that. i wonder if gay people face the same invisible barriers to academia that a lot of women still do.

cj said:
Im still sober but I feel like it's getting harder everyday.... I don't feel like I'm ready to work but at the same time I feel like a loser for not working. It's hard to find a job because the sober living puts all these restrictions on when I can work and I have a warrant in another state. Not to mention a non-existent work history. Stressing about it.

Wanted to cut really bad. I find myself looking at a website dedicated to self harm again. Seeing the cuts and blood triggers the fuck out of me. Then I see the ugly scars on my arms and I realize how fucked my brain is.
Click to expand...

mate you are so so so so much better than using and cutting and whatever your brain is putting you through right now. you have helped me so much and i'm sure other people. moving cities was always going to be stressful but you've come this far without using. you will get used to it. its fucking cheesy but really do try and keep it in the day, or in this precise moment, cos the day is way too long sometimes.

i have similar anxiety to you about work, i have had good jobs but lost my last job cos i wasn't able to do the work round smoking so much crack. its become clear to me i'm not ready to yet, and maybe you're not. settle down a bit. a few weeks won't make much difference. adding the stress of a job into the mix no may just be the final straw.

someone said to me the other day 'you've got too far to fuck it up now' they were right, and i think that's the case for you too.

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for me personally, i got over my hump. so many people gave me so much encouragement after a meeting on monday, and just chatting to people instead of isolating was good. i ended up feeling really good for about 10 minutes, but that was enough for the boost i needed.

though i'm kinda fucked off too cos every time i get through something like this without using i know i have less justification to in the future, cos i can actually do it and am always relieved not to have given in after.
 
Oh the “many worlds”. Yeah that would be amazing but just simply is not and I have no subjective reason to believe in it. Barely believe in this crappy world as it is.

No gay people don’t face barriers. They are for the most part shallow self/sex-obsessed and don’t care about intelligence. It’s fascinating. I know this is probably terrible of me to say but I’ve seen it time and time again. Gay men are often very vapid. Even as well read as I am, I am still very shallow and self centered. Heterosexuals by nature are more collective “learn and grow together” types.

It’s hard to explain.
 
The only thing I understand fully is that I understand nothing fully. 2,413 days, clean, a day at a time...
 
Wow.. congrats jdfisse. That's quite the number.

Aside from the ball of crack my plug owes me and my excursion in April, I am getting sober. I can turn it on and off like a facet, it's just when I have too much free time or feel like I have nothing to live for I give back in. Right now I have a lot to live for, and a lot of maturing I need to do. I'll start a family soon. I'll bust out of where I am living and working and live up to my full potential, so I can have enough money to live where ever I desire and put my kids through the best school system, as well as be able to live in a place where I feel comfortable inviting over women. I'll become more proactive in finding the right people for me, instead of waiting for others to come. I'll maintain and develop ties I have with friends and family. I'll work on my attitude by being respectful, honesty and trying to be less impulsive. I'll start things off right from the beginning, instead of failing and trying to repair the unfixable.
 
It sounds like you’re finding deeper meaning in life ?

It’s hard for a lot of us but it’s really nice and it’s a great reason to stay sober.

Some of us never find it. Stay strong man.

I am doing just a little better. Every bad panic attack (like a severe one) probably leaves me deeply suicidal for at least a week and I am trying to reel my mind back in from this one.
 
Madness, That is a Hell of a list :):)
I do not know how you will find the time to use:ROFLMAO:
Good luck, from someone who has worked on that list for 40 + years ( wow that is a Big number Haha)
take it slow and easy, Patience is a very important aspect of this world and life we need to live in. All I see is it getting Faster and harder?!?!
I work everyday with the concept
Live in A Day Tight Compartment!!!
Yesterday is Gone ( Nothing will turn back time and change Past outcomes)
Tomorrow not Here Yet ( will not be anything like you think)
No Drama , No Winning, No Self Pity, No Selfish behavior, No Dishonest actions

ALL IS WELL - henery
 
Yeah, truth be told - gotta take it slow. Focus on what's for dinner, work out, go to work.. The basics. Then in the space between, try new ways of being. Just, small things: Call my dad. Go out of my way to do something kind. Confront myself on a self told lie. Deny a smoke. Meet someone new.

Not all at once. Maybe starting at once a week. Then gradually things will become second nature.. Is my hope.

But you're saying it gets harder and faster in time. I think the only defense against that is to start as soon as possible, but also as gradual as possible. To ensure consistency.
 
What gives you all purpose? I’m running into a roadblock where I want to find something that gives me meaning, something bigger. It used to be designing submarines but I can’t do that right now.
 
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