Yay another recovery diary

Hey I'm thinking about doing something... Like you know how middle aged white women do spiritual boards like things they want in like 5 years or whatever. Idk what middle aged women do I'm not really into the "live laugh love" fandom. Anyways I really think about doing a sobriety board of all the things that I want to get in my sobriety. Of course sobriety is much more than just "getting" things but I think it would be extremely helpful for me to focus myself on achieving goals and getting rewards otherwise I'm just constantly having money and not knowing what to do with it and then going and blowing like $300 like I did a couple nights ago at the casino. And we all know the casino is next to addiction, but speaking of addiction, having just money without having anything I'm working towards feels so heavy, as I mentioned before.
I think I should get a big poster board and start working on this board: when I am in recovery I can actively work on getting this "things" and when I'm not I'm working further away from these "things"

Shelby 3/7/22 12:17am
 
Look, y'all. I'm on the blue light bus... Get it? Blue light. Haha coming back home from an appointment with a counselor who does BOTH addictions counseling AND autism therapy. And let me tell y'all... She was good. Real good. I might talk about it more a little later I'm still comprehending what all went down.



Shelby
3/8/22 2:07pm
 
slw0363 said:
Look, y'all. I'm on the blue light bus... Get it? Blue light. Haha coming back home from an appointment with a counselor who does BOTH addictions counseling AND autism therapy. And let me tell y'all... She was good. Real good. I might talk about it more a little later I'm still comprehending what all went down.



Shelby
3/8/22 2:07pm
Click to expand...

I'm happy for you. I really am.
 
Sent to my addictions counselor friend... My neighbors name has been redacted for his privacy:

You know.... I'm just saying this to get it in writing so like... OK my therapist wants me to use "x(feeling) is in the room with me"

So frusteration is in the room with me. And sadness is in the room with me. And regret is in the room with me.

All for the same reason. Because [Vietnam vet neighbor] really gets sideways with me very passive aggressively.

I really think he's a narcissist. And I get now where I have... Idk... Exposed myself to the narcissistic tendency without knowing better but also sometimes knowing better, and really there's some work to be done on the evaluation of every friendship or relationship I've had now that I'm learning who I am, because it occurs to me that I'm working on being a better person but the people who were in my life before I was doing better only have the old me to evaluate the new me on.

And so anyways... With that revalation... Today [Vietnam vet neighbor] was talking on the phone to his friend and he says something like "yeah I'm not dumb like how some people treat me" and then he looks at me and goes "OOPS" and like... He lost his car for some drug addict gold digging bitch that treats him like shit on a **daily** basis, like I don't know where the smart move was like WAS there one?

Anyways I know I'm not psychic but I do have intuition and sometimes my intuition tells me things like right now it tells me that he's actually smarter than he appears and he enjoys playing the dumb card to get his way because he's lonely.

Like I'm hoping my intuition is wrong and there's just some weird ass agent orange shit going on and the years of being in Vietnam fucked him up, but I really just...

Its too much for me to figure out you know. And so here's regret because I really want to be a man of my word like I think that's a really respectable thing right like when you can trust something someone says like I want to be that.

So I'm feeling regret because I really shouldn't have allowed him in my home after he got all dramatic the first time like I try to have a strict "no drama" policy like it isn't written anywhere in my home for good reason like I want to find out people's character without me telling them my expectations but maybe that's a whole other thing on trust... Idk..."


Shelby 3/9/22 11:42pm
 
So I had a using dream last night and idk why it's hitting me all of a sudden but it is. Like I still remember my dream pretty vividly... It was a shot. A needle. And I can't remember how I acquired it but I remember other people around and I was in all places my childhood home. Which is a weird correlation I was never there and high. But I was thinking in my dream about doing my shot. I was really really contemplating it and then I decided something really fucked up. And it's fucked up because it's what fucks me up most about recovery houses/rehabs is I was like "well I'll do this one shot and I'll say my clean date is still 2/22/22" and as long as I hide myself enough and not do a big shot then it'll be OK. And idk what I was thinking because I know for a matter of fact hands down that I wouldn't just want a little bit like it might start off with a little bit but then it'll be a little bit more then a little bit more you know what I mean? Lol. Like there's undeniably no way around it. I'm sure that there are people who CAN do just a little bit and be fine, but I've come to accept that that is just not me. So I don't know what in the hell gave me the right to think in my dream that I was just gonna do that tiny shot and be good. That's not how any of that works. I really think that was the devil trying to work in my life and I've been trying to pray it away and so far it's working really well like God is really showing himself to me recently and I'm real grateful for that, actually. I hope he continues to work miracles in my life, because I really need some. And I will try my best to work in his honor.
Anyways back to my dream. So... I was really fucked up that I thought I could get away with using and keeping the same clean date... Because I've noticed there's a lot.... A lot a lot a lot... Of people out there claiming sobriety and really they're getting fucked up with the clique after the meeting, and I might not have the cleanest history ever (as well documented here) but I'm so glad I'm not THAT. And maybe that's what my dream was trying to tell me idk but that's what I'm choosing to take away from that because I refuse to let the enemy work like that in my life.
But like... Yeah...if I'm gonna have another using dream it better be me committing another sin because I plan to put it down when another using dream comes again, because I can deal with the ramifications of any sin except for that one. I can deal with anything except for THAT.

Man I almost got myself in tears here.

Also I'm out of cigarettes and I want a cigarette so bad and I don't get paid till Wednesday night so there might be a lot of posts incoming.

Shelby 3/10/22 11:25pm
 
If you have a little corner store ( independently owned ) where you buy your pop and cigarettes and stuff all the time the owner might help you. Take him aside, tell him you are out of ciggies, and promise to pay him on payday if he will front you a couple packs. Then pay him right away on payday.

This happened to me once and the store knew I shopped there all the time. I asked him for some smokes and he gave them to me. I repaid him right away. I haven't run short on anything since then but I know now he trusts me and would help me again. Just a thought as i know it sucks when we are trying not to use and we don't have ciggies. Good luck.
 
Don't think independent corner shops are a thing in the states anymore. 7/11 saw to that. There's a Spa down the road from me that has a trust system like you described, I think it's very much a UK/Ireland notion though.

Could consolidate for a back up vape. Better than nothing.
 
So I just want to check in and tell you guys I am doing ok. I'm sober and I'm going to remain that way, actually, even though I'm going through a kind of difficult time right now. Like I keep just praying and I keep listening to Joyce Meyer and I stay in contact with my addiction counselor friends, I've blocked all contact with my older dealer, even though I can see when he called me (seems like a dumb feature, to block someone and then they still show up in your texts and missed calls) and my neighbor who does the shit I haven't talked to her. I did have two using dreams a couple nights ago but the first one was really not good it was the one I told you guys about and then I think last night it was I had a dream where I remember it being around me but I didn't do it, and I'm really proud of myself, because I want that "even at the weakest point in your dreams, you still don't use" kind of sobriety, because like idk it feels like maybe in your dreams you don't have any control of your using like unless it's a lucid dream, which I really don't think that I've ever had one of those, I really don't have much control over what I do in my dreams, so I'm proud of myself for choosing the better option of not using. Last night though was a very positive dream, I dreamt that I was going to a rehab which is amazing, I'm so proud of myself for dreaming that even though the rehab I was going to was more like a lock-in night for prom like I remember it having energy drinks there and inflatables and fun games, which I guess even that is better than using so hell, who am I to discount that as a rehab technique.

So anyways in this dream from last night, I remember it was in a different city and I was driving my old car that I sold for $300 because it needed a new engine and to get that I would have had to pay more for that than what I paid for the car, so I scrapped it but really looking back I should had figured out a way to make it work because not having a car is a fucking shitty situation like walking everywhere as a bigger dude is for the fucking birds man. I hate it, and now that it's about to be summer (which, sidenote, it's SO beautiful outside today. I walked butchy around and poop scooped and picked up cigarette butts off the ground and took trash) it's gonna suck even worse....

But it's coming to my attention I need to complain less and strategize more. Like it's crazy how God or the Universe or whatever you calls it just knows what we need to hear when we need to hear it. Yesterday I saw a Joyce Meyer sermon about how we shouldn't complain unless we have a plan to get out of the thing we're complaining about. And I don't have a plan yet to get a car, unless if it's God's plan to get me a car, I really don't feel like I have the... accountability... yet, to get a new car. That and I don't have a job anymore.

Which sucks, but I'm just keeping it in my head that whatever sucky thing I'm going through can me exponentially made worse by using.

So I'm taking each day as it comes right now. I have plans, multiple plans actually, of jobs I can do. I don't really want to talk about them yet because I just am giving myself this time to let the universe guide me from a lens of sobriety. If I can do the work of my sobriety, I'm going to leave it up to the universe to take control and point me in the direction that I need to go.

Here's a couple things I do plan on doing in my time without a job in the next couple weeks:
-going to take the bus to the LGBT center in tulsa to try to make friends
-taking coursera or other online courses in computer coding
-not doing drugs
-doing my unemployment benefits application (today)
-doing my food stamps application

I'm so glad I'm ahead a couple months in rent. That alone makes this whole situation so much less stressful. That and not using. I can think clearly, I can make appointments I need to make. I can even maybe attend a couple meetings... maybe. I saw where they had recovery dharma in Tulsa at the LGBT center and I'm EXTREMELY interested in attending those meetings.

Anyways... just hang in there, if I told you about all the magic tricks I planned on pulling coming up, they wouldn't come true haha, so just stay tuned. Things are going to be ok :)
Shelby 3/13/22 2:42pm
 
You're really racking up some solid clean time. Good for you. Stay focused and realize that the true Shelby is emerging now. The one that wants to have a life.

Good luck with your unemployment and food stamps application. I know you feel proud of yourself for not using.
 
CW: drug use, relapse, ugh, broken toe pictures

You know what sucks so bad? A lot of my poor decision making, tbh. But also the fact that I feel so much shame right now and have for the past couple days that I literally didn't want to come here and be honest. And that sucks. Like I made this place for me to say whatever the fuck I need to say to help me to either get a little closer to sobriety or to at least think things out without the fear of judgment. Like... It sucks because goddamn @Nurse Ratched was saying some shit that I finally didn't feel like I was being judged and I had to go fuck some shit up. Now I'm sure I'll have to listen to some firey ass shit and I probably deserve it, but with all of this being said I do need to say that the one big thing that is making me actively type this right now and not cower away is that I flushed my bag and I verbally told anybody that caused me to relapse this time that I'm taking a break. Now between you and me I'd be 100% fine if this break lasted forever like I just so badly never want to have to deal with the Intrusive thoughts I was dealing with.

They're fast. And big. And after many years of drug abuse, I guess I don't ever realize who weak I am. Like I am strong in the moment I pray to God many many many many times in a day I've been reading scripture besides the last 2 or 3 days like I'm going to do more of that today, like I read up on autism and go to appointments and try to act in ways that are loving and wise but it's like the Intrusive thoughts... They're not fucking weak game man like if you don't stay on top every God damn second (sorry God) that your brain tries to trick you into believing that your addiction wasn't so bad, if you're not on it every single time on every single thought, it immediately grows like a fungus and gets stronger and that's it.

Thankfully this was a very short lived relapse. I'm not getting more. I'll be fucked if I'm getting more I want some more sobriety like I was doing fucking GOOD I want more of THAT.

But I do fear the future, you know? Like I know I shouldn't and yes I know I'm supposed to be going to meetings going to rehab Yada Yada Yada.... But it just feels like I'm always a ticking time bomb to the next relapse. I've been that way for practically as long as I've been using maybe a year less. I was very unlucky to have been introduced to sobriety groups at a very young age of my addiction. Which I know the people that took me to NA were trying to help me. But I wonder if I would had waited a couple years till I was actually sick of my addiction like actually sick sick of it to reach out. I wonder how things would have been different. I hate it because I could use the help I initially got and burned because I wasn't done using. Now I mean... I'm done using every time. Like that's part of the struggle right like I'm FUCKING DONE

I'M FUCKING DONE USING AND I DON'T EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO GO BACK

I have felt this way every time I tried to get sober in the past year.

Like what do I do about the changing my mind thing like I literally start to panic because like... Y'all... I don't do too well at this life anyways like I'm just now finding out why I felt out of place after 27 years like there's a fucking word for that and I'm so excited I know that word now but I mean... It means I'm gonna struggle a little more. How much more idk yet I've only begun to work on the part where I'm accepting things are going to be a little different for me like I literally tried to "work just as hard" to get what my friends were getting for 27 years and feeling shame on a consistent basis because I never measured up and... I mean that's like a hard pill to swallow. Like don't get me wrong I do think I'll learn what I need to to be at least a mostly normal part of society again... But like... What if that means accepting that I don't get it at easy as other people even though I have good intentions?

Anyways all that to say that I'm struggling. And yes... Again I know I need to go to meetings I know I need to go to rehab I'm working on it ok?

But like... What about the part of me that feels like it's not going to get better, that I'll have to give up on having dreams just because my mind works differently than most people. What about the obsessive thoughts that happen to me in a way that someone who might have a chunk of himself ocd?

Like I need more individualized help. Because I'm struggling with way more than just my using. I'm not trying to get sympathy I'm just saying how it is like I need some help and I need some help (in a kind sort of way) getting help. I'm ready, you know?

I think maybe also part of this was loosing my job like I don't really know how to process it. Like I know everything is going to be OK but like... It's hard af to have to learn a new job every six months max. Especially for someone like me it's not just learning a new job it's learning the characters of the people I will be working with it's how I'll make it to work it's so many things to me because my brain just has to make it complicated like that.

Anyways I just know I'm not gonna get another bag and I can say that confidently for awhile, the Intrusive thoughts aren't so bad in the beginning.

Also....side note... The universe has already punished me I'm like 99% sure I broke my toe and it happened after just a couple hits off the pipe. I totally felt like I deserved it.

But it's ok. I deserve good things too, I just gotta do more good. You gotta do esteemable acts to get esteem and I'm learning out to do that.

Picture of my broken or sprained toe for your viewing pleasure



Shelby 3/15/22 6:09am
 
proud of you, anyone give you a hard time they will have to deal with me!
Movie Girl GIF by Studio 100
 
Haven't read your whole post yet but I will in a few. First off .......be kind to yourself. Meth is absolutely the hardest drug to quit hands down. It's so insidious that it enslaves us and holds us hostage. Relapse is absolutely a given.

Second......damn, son, that toe looks terrible. OUCHIE !!

We still believe in you.
 
Definitely broken that toe, although pretty much every time you stub your toe even a little you're causing a fracture, it's by far the most broken bone in the human body, and it rarely requires medical intervention so..there's a positive. Just try not to put too much pressure on it and it should heal without being wonky.
 
I'm having a pretty solid I guess you would call it realization...
So there's something about how people use for a reason. And I'm going to do a poll here: how many of y'all either know the reason why you use or do you think you only use because you like it?

For me I think it's a bit complicated. So I'm doing a poll because I don't know the reason why I use and I also don't like using. Like there's literally only 1 reason I use and that's to feel horny. At least on surface level I'm just being honest. Like it needs to be talked about. But I think where it gets complicated is like when I'm having Intrusive thoughts and are trying to stop them or when I feel overstimulated (or understimulated) by life so I seek out what I have gotten used to because it's a predictable amount of stimulation for the most part. Even if it's a lot.

So like I struggle with this whole rehab thing because it's like... They want to work on the using part and nothing else right like they want to convince me that I have a problem but I already knew I had the problem like everything is a problem to me I lived in being the problem my whole life I'm great at admitting I have a problem. But the actual problem is I can't ever put my finger on what the actual problem is I just know I'm not doing it (by "it" I mean life) correctly. You know how it took me 27 years to realize that I fall on the spectrum? Well I think that's the same reason that I use. It's the same concept like... Idk I don't have the right vocabulary to put here.

It feels in simple terms that basically I don't know why I use if I actually hate it just like how I didn't know that there was (for lack of a better way to say) "something wrong with me" like it even makes sense to me that even though "something is wrong with me" I kept trying to pretend there "was nothing wrong with me" and I kept crashing and burning and this relates to my using because I keep trying to get clean and I keep crashing and burning... You get it?

I crash and burn in all areas of my life... Job, school, friendships, paying bills, and the list goes on for days... But the idea is that when I act like nothing is wrong and try to do shit the way I think I should be doing it, I crash and burn. Every time.

And idk what to do about that but it just feels like I need help with something bigger than just my using like yes I should go to meetings do stepwork I'm aware of the importance of those things, but then there's another part of it that I don't even know how to get help for because I don't even know the vocabulary of what to call it, you know?

Anyways that's it for now. It really helps to type some shit out just so I can force myself to stay on one train of thought but also so I can complete thoughts. Because it's coming to my attention that maybe I spend a lot of time with incomplete thoughts as well.

So anyways there's that.

Also... I think I'm going to start sharing some of my own research notes on here. So what I do to entertain some of my free time (this has been for the last couple years or so) is find articles to read and I read science journals and stuff. Sometimes the topic is about things I fear like cancer or death but sometimes it's about social constructs or whatever and I'll rip notes out of those articles and journals and I have been using a separate online notebook for that but I think I'm going to see about incorporating those notes into here.

Anyways that's it for now I'm doing ok I picked at my face a lot last night so I think I'm going to turn on my air conditioner and drink some water and laying down.

I'm so grateful I'm getting sober again. It's pretty crazy when you get more euphoria out of getting sober than you do out of getting high.

Anyways I'll talk to y'all next time thanks for being so encouraging we're gonna get there. We will.

Shelby 3/15/22 5:31pm
 
Lysosomalstorage said:
Definitely broken that toe, although pretty much every time you stub your toe even a little you're causing a fracture, it's by far the most broken bone in the human body, and it rarely requires medical intervention so..there's a positive. Just try not to put too much pressure on it and it should heal without being wonky.
Click to expand...
So far it totally doesn't hurt. Now I can't move it like when I try to bend it it like doesn't bend. I will say last night when I was laying down it was a little painful especially if a blanket caught it and pulled on it a little bit. It's crazy because I didn't actually think I did anything that bad to it like I slipped on a puddle of water when I was carrying Butchy's water bowl to him and like I didn't even fall and bust my tailbone or anything I caught myself I guess with that big toe. And being I'm almost 280lbs that I suppose is a lot of weight to be caught with one toe 😂 yeah ok it makes sense that it's broken now.
 
So update I'm doing ok Butchy woke me up from a nap to go potty but I'm glad I've put myself in a place where nobody is coming to me to get high. Really I'm even kinda glad I gotta worry about money for a bit and just don't have extra to blow on the idea of drugs. Probably not tomorrow but sometime this week I want to catch the bus to the LGBT center to try and make new friends.

Update on the toe something really weird happened like a big ass blood blister appeared and I don't remember it like dragging the floor or anything when I slipped so I looked it up and evidently it's called a fracture blister and it happens because there's so much swelling and not enough skin or something and it's compensating for a limited space of inflammation. I didn't see anything about it being too concerning except one article I read said it could turn necrotic so I'll be watching it but still it surprisingly doesn't hurt for how bad it looks. I think some of the bruising has went away but it still looks scarier than how it feels which is good. I think lol



Shelby 3/16/22 1:27am
 
I like this lady she gives a reason why things happen sometimes and she happened to drop this video recently and I know I fell to my Intrusive thoughts unfortunately recently. I like these tips I hope this helps someone.



Shelby 3/16/22 2:33am
 


So like I'm having this mega problem where it feels like there's problems that I don't know are there and I feel like I repeat a lot of patterns because of it. Then I start to think "why are you digging so deep into it this is ultimately the problem that you believe you have so many problems" and then I fall into the rabbithole of "just fix it" followed by "I don't know how to fix it" and then it's like... I just... Stop thinking because it's overwhelming.

I do that a lot. Just... Freeze.

I guess if I were to take a buzzfeed quiz about which trauma response I would be it would probably be freeze. Maybe fawn. Like I honestly could probably get anybody out of any tricky situation because I can charm the pants off anybody.

Oh my God am I a sociopath? Jfc.

You know what's crazy? The other night when I relapsed I had a grindr hookup come over with drugs and he brought a cute boy over and the original idea was to hook up but this cute boy was exactly where I was like 7 or 8 years ago like... I call it culture shock. Where I was, for the first time, experiencing what it was like for someone to treat you differently than how you expect them to treat you. And I would say most people have this experience maybe lightly at some point in their lives, but for me when I say it was shock it was shock. Like I didn't know how to process the fact that there were truly evil people out there... Or I guess I shouldn't say "evil" because I truly believe, still, that everybody in the end has a little "good" in them, but I should maybe say "people who didn't have the best intentions for my heart"... I didn't know how to process that there were people who didn't have the best intentions for me in their heart. I sometimes STILL don't know how to process that, but at least now I recognize it. But it's crazy the things I had to go through to learn that man I had to believe that there was an evil entity following me like I demon or some shit then I believed some type of cult was following me, trying to break me down, I believed all of Tulsa had some type of evil portal that made people behave in bad ways and even though the last one might be true lolololol you get the idea... I didnt know how to conceptualize that I was hanging out with people that cared about their needs before mine. That fucked me up just typing that lol. I lived that experience for almost a decade. In the end though I did stabilize and realize that what it was that I ACTUALLY needed was to learn to put myself before other people. Because at the end of the day, you know, ain't nobody else besides for you gonna pay the electric bill ain't nobody gonna pay for food in your fridge, ain't nobody gonna give you an extra spot on their Netflix account for free, homedawg. Like I myself have to work on all that shit myself because people might look at you and give you sympathy but ain't nobody coming to help. Because they're putting their own intentions first, because that's what they HAVE to do, just like I do.
Anyways it was a really fucked up way I had to go about learning about it.

I guess growing up, and I'm maybe just now kinda realizing that it was a little bit toxic that my mom put me before her own intentions like she always made sure that we kids were taken care of us before herself. And don't get me wrong I do realize she did that out of love and truly wanting us, but in the end it didn't show me how to put myself first and maybe that's where I get my awful self esteem from, and all the shame I feel, idk, but yeah... Idk...

I'm feeling really raw in my soul right now.

I'm sober though thank God. I'm grateful. I prolly need to go to a meeting or some shit right lol.

I wish there was an NA meeting for autistic individuals lol. Like I'm 100% sure that there will be in the future, but damn I was born a little too early lol.

Anyways.. Yeah. I'm doing ok. My Vietnam vet neighbor his birthday is today. He's 72 today. And he also got his VA check today and guess who showed up to get her money?

She said she will come back and bring the cake that she's supposed to be getting with her foodstamps but I already know that's a bunch of bullshit... She got what she wanted, she ain't coming back.

Well hopefully I get my second to last paycheck before Walmart closes tonight and if anything I will get an Uber and pick his cake up and pay for it out of my pocket because she's a fuckin digging ho. And I'm throwing the part that says her name in the trash lol.

Oh lord, forgive me lol.

Shelby 3/16/22 6:00pm
 
Gimme, gimme, gimme some time to think
I'm in the bathroom, looking at me
Face in the mirror is all I need
Wait until the reaper takes my life
Never gonna get me out alive
I will live a thousand million lives
My patience is waning, is this entertaining?
Our patience is waning, is this entertaining?
I-I-I, got this feeling, yeah, you know
Where I'm losing all control
'Cause there's magic in my bones
I-I-I, got this feeling in my soul
Go ahead and throw your stones
'Cause there's magic in my bones



Shelby 3/16/22 6:29pm
 
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