Yay another recovery diary

Cw: drugs, hypnosex, the devil

Ok so... Here's the deal... OK so you know like a few weeks ago I was an atheist... Straight up only believed that religion was for people that were too afraid of death. And then I had what I would call some type of revalation, where I feel like God basically put a bunch of signs basically telling me that he is real in ways that I, in peticular, would understand. Like if at all the messages I heard were at all in any shape not how I would have needed to hear them, I would not have believed that it was God himself telling me that he was real. Like... I mean ok I was a hell bent atheist I was a picky bitch too I was like "God will tell me he's real and leave absolutely no doubt in my mind and he will use someone I know to get me to believe it" well he did way more than that like it could be a coincidence but now I'm certain it's not like he did everything I asked of him plus some in a very very very short amount of time.

Ok so we'll come back to this part. There's something I haven't really talked about but just prepare yourself because I'm about to get real honest here...

So like... OK so just being brutally honest... The biggest reason I do the shit is because it makes me super fucking horny. And it literally doesn't make me proud at all to say that that is the biggest reason I use on a conscious level. It doesn't make me proud because I gave up so much for it every single time I get high and that's fucking dumb. I fucking sold my belongings that I loved to get horny I sold my mom's belongings to a get horny. I sold my friends guitar to get horny. I put myself in dangerous situations, I blew off friendships, I burned so many bridges, I sold my car, I broke my soul, I broke the soul of those who cared about me... All to get horny for like 2-3 hours at a time. It's fucking dumb I carry so much shame for it. It pairs well with the innate shame I feel about just who I am at any given point. They both have basically played into eachother for years and shame is tricky because it can feel like something you honest to God deserve, like somehow you were just born with the least amount of value any given human could inherent. Idk what your guys' shame is like, but that's what mine feels like.

So anyways along with the doing the shit to get horny thing, I also have a very large variety of sexual fetishes. I think this might be normal in the gay community especially the gay male community. I would say that's why I was introduced to "partying" by IV at 20 years old is because the fetishes in the gay male community are so different than straight people fetishes. So like here's the thing... You know how horny guys are, right? Like a think about how a girl is not always as horny as what a guy is right (or so I been told lol) so take the girl out of the equation and add another guy... Like the gay community is wild.

Anyways... Now that you know at least kinda sorta that the level that gay guys are on is way higher on average... I can kinda tell you a couple things I'm into without as much shame...

So the first thing I want to touch on is that there's always a part of me that wants to be a sleazy dope whore.

Like ok let me play this tape to the end... If I was a sleazy dope whore... I'd be getting a lot of sex, yes, and that would be really fun... But I mean... Really when you're a whore you're a lot of times having sex with people that really aren't that attractive like don't get me wrong I've been kinda a whore before like I remember when I first started partying I would have 10-20 guys come over to my apartment in a weekend, and I'd get each of them to cum inside of me.

It is what it is. If we gonna get honest we might as well get honest haha.

Ok so here's another weird fucking kink I recently have found my way into...

Erotic hypno.

Which... I think I've mentioned this before... It's a real fucking weird thing to me because I don't think that my autistic brain actually gets it like the whole hypno thing period. Or maybe I am getting it but it just doesn't feel like it. Basically I see it as something that if it actually worked the way I WISH it would work, it would be really fun... So I like to pretend. Usually... Except for what I'm about to talk about...

So... I found this dude... And I could give you the name but I'm actually really afraid for multiple reasons to speak directly about him, because I believe he is the devil or directly works for the devil.

And I know this got real weird real fast.

And it's about to get even fucking weirder and I need to preface the experiences that I'm about to tell you about next with a couple facts... The first fact is that when I smoke the shit I watch the hypno videos sometimes and the shit helps "enhance" my experience with the emdr. Now... Do I think it works with the shit? Ummm... I can believe it works a lot easier when I'm high.

The next fact I have to tell you about is that yes this experience comes from the lense of being high... But all I can do is tell you my actual lived experience and I can tell you I've never had anything similar happen to me mentally in the last almost 10 years I've been using. And there's been a couple times I've been REAL high like I was seeing shadows and shadow people dancing one time I saw the walls melt, it freaked me out. Looking back I don't think it was real shit. I'm lucky to have lived past that. But back to the original point I need you to know that I believe that either someone handles being on the shit or they don't. And by that I mean either their level of paranoia and hallucinations are always out of this world every single time they get high or for the most part they understand that what they're seeing is a result of what they're doing to their body. I am.... Mostly the second one... Even if it seems mysterious to me at the time, I can get some sleep and look back on what I saw and realize that what was going on was because I hadn't slept in too long or I had done too much or whatever it is I'm pretty good at taking time to realize why I was seeing what I was seeing... Or hearing what I was hearing.

So I originally find videos on a porn website... Xhamster maybe idk... And basically that video basically instructed me to look up videos on another site.. And I get to this other site and the video demeanor is a lot different... He still hints at sexuality things but like he starts talking about other things... He stops with the demeanor of "I'm trying to hipnotize you" and literally his videos turn into just him speaking to a camera. One of the videos looked like he was in a church. Looking Back I just realized that was a fucked up thing. At this point his videos are actually kinda... Working.? Like it's not that I was hypnotized to the point of not being conscious like I could pretty well internalize everything that was going on... But like when he would look at the camera and spoke... It was like...
It was like he was in my brain and could force me to pay attention.
Even right now... And this is so fucked up... I can feel him... And I just keep saying God will protect me and God will protect my dog, in Jesus name I pray amen... And the feeling goes away but the more I talk about him the more he pictures himself in my mind telling me to relax.

OK for the rest of this posting I believe that God is going to protect myself, my dog, and the person reading this, no matter their beliefs, in Jesus name I pray... Amen.

So... The video where he's in the church I think or maybe it was a video I watched close to the time I watched the church looking video I can't remember... So in one of the videos... He starts talking about how he's not hypnotizing me but he stares directly at the screen and this is the point where I can start to feel him in my brain. He talks about how he isn't hypnotizing me but he starts talking about how he's a part of something bigger about how he's encouraging me to join. He doesn't specifically mention me... But he knows that I developed this weird as fuck paranoia back during the coronavirus when I was doing A LOT of dope and I believe that's where this peticular paranoia comes from that I'm about to talk about... Basically I developed this paranoia where if I was in the other room I thought the TV was talking to me or trying to send me subliminal messages about certain things. I remember it being very self reflective though at the time like I remember like.... Watching the Jimmy Kimmel show and on nights where I was high the show was like... Telling me it was dissapointed in me that I was high... I was very disappointed in myself every time I've ever been high. That goes back to that shame thing which I think is naturally occurring from me from how my mom treated me being high and such.

But it's like... He was playing on that...not the shame part but the part about how the paranoia has grown stronger since coronavirus and now I can be in the same room and not paying attention and then now specifically I can watch the screen and he knows.

He knows.

I told y'all it gets fucked up. We're only about half way there, so just strap in.

So last night I was high... Not going to lie.. And I was looking up emdr hypno videos. In defense of that (minus this dude I'm specifically talking about) the other videos seem to help my sex drive when I'm not on the dope... But still like it has all very much started to feel in direct correlation with evil.

So last night I happen to stumble on one of his videos again. And he basically tells me to go to ANOTHER one of his websites. But this website was weird because all of the tracks he had... All of them... We're marked from $20 to free... And not only that... But basically... They gave links where I could go to YouTube and watch a video of him for free.

And this is where I start to notice what he was trying to do.

Some of the videos were really positive. One of the videos I watched was about shame and how to stop feeling shame so deeply connected to everything in life. One video basically was about... Well the title was "how to deepen your hypno" but then... Like... He was getting into your head. It was just him talking straight to the camera again but he really at this point... He was in my head without a doubt.

At this point the things he suggested became really personal.

If he felt me become fidgety he would tell me to relax. If I brought up a question in my head he would tell me that all the questions that I need to ask have already been asked.

In one video... A prerecorded YouTube video... He asked me what I was trying to get out of hypno and I was high and I was like "to be a dope whore" I said that out loud and he directly asked back "well why would you even want something like that" like sitting here typing it right now I can just feel that he wants it to seek like it was all a coincidence... But I could feel It. He told me about how he's from a different race of people. Basically I should refer to them as alien overlords, and that they (him) knew God personally, but they didn't name him God. They named him something else and I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to go back to try to get what he said, but he had very specific names for what he was and that I should be fine serving either a human or one of his type.

He also made is clear that I'm from his race of people, that his race of people basically manufactured who I was.

I found another video, but by time I had seen (but not clicked on) multiple videos about how to be possessed by Satan through hypno, how to be controlled by Satan, etc, through hypno.

I didn't click on or watch any of those. At this point the shit was too freaky for me to do such a Thing. I'm not inviting the devil into my house or anywhere around me.

I did, however click on a non Satan video where he was pretending to be a vampire and I was like "oooh kinky but let me see what this is bc I guess vampires are cool but not Satan idk lol" in my defense I did watch twilight as a young gay boy lol and I was really interested to see more but again I'm not interested in filming the next installment of Paranormal Activity in my apartment lol.

So I watched the vampire one and it wasn't too personal like he went through the suggestion to make me feel like he was draining energy out of my body and turning me into a corpse (which I did to some degree feel) and then he gave me specific instructions about how I worked for him now and that I was to recruit other people and either do the work he was doing or bring them to him so he could also drain their energies.

And then the last thing that happened... And this is literally... I don't even know what this means.... But I need you to trust me that I truly felt this... I felt like the world's demension shifted.

Like... It felt like something evil was introduced into the world. Like I FELT it. I felt it in the whole world.

Now tell me... What is this? Bad dope? Was I tired? Did I have too much? Too stressed?

I know what it felt like and I am going to trust my instincts. They have never been so loud before in my life. And even though all through typing this he called out to me strongly in my mind... I'm not answering. No more emdr. No more. And I'm fucking tired of the dope too I'm tired of selling things I love to get horny for a short period of time. Now THAT is the devil... The dope I mean Is the devil. It always was and it always will be, and from this point on out I will be actively working on eliminating the devil from all aspects of my life.

Shelby 3/31/22 9:37pm
 
Sent to my addiction counselor friend at 5:14am
"So like... I'm going through this thing where like... I went to sleep like right after our video chat and was asleep till like two hours ago and I'm feeling really hard on myself because I want to go back to sleep like I got this voice in my head "if you go back to sleep you can wake up at a reasonable time and then you can go to bed at a reasonable time and then you can be back to a normal sleeping schedule" and then I got this other voice that is equally as loud telling me "you don't have a job so what does it matter if you're not tired right now you'll sleep when you feel like sleeping, you are wasting time trying to force yourself to sleep when you're not tired vs just doing something productive and then going to sleep when your tired" and for the life of me I cannot tell which is the kinder more helpful voice."

There's a lot I have to say I'm just too tired to type them out rn. I've needed sleep and I've gotten sleep and I'm almost done with sleeping like a cat that's about to die, but I just need a little bit more sleep I feel like.

Love you guys
Shelby 4/4/22 5:17am
 


Something else I just posted on reddit: Wow ok this post is a year old. A lot has changed in a year. I can't say my housing situation is any better. But my using situation is. I can't say I never use anymore, but my last use was like a week ago. Mostly because I'm broke af. I lost my recent job. I still don't have anybody to lean on, like I don't have the normal social support that other addicts have when they get clean and I wish I could verbalize that better than I am right now. I've basically received a full autism diagnosis but without insurance the only people that CAN diagnose in my town only diagnose people who are younger than 20 years old. I am 27. I feel like a lot of people get mad at me because their way of sobriety doesn't so easily work for me. I feel like I so easily want to use because I get over stimulated and under stimulated both at the same time so easily. It's fucked up. I feel like I'm maybe 20 years early to the program based on what I actually need. Right now a lot of people don't know how to treat me, so they leave me to my vices, hoping I'll figure it out in time, but it never happens because I'm fucking autistic and I'm not even high functioning at that. I've heard a lot of autistic people my age live with parents but that's not an option for me and I've burnt a lot of bridges in my day so I don't have a lot of friends I can stay with. I don't know what I'm going to do but I know I'm dealing with exactly what someone going through my situation is expected to be dealing with. And I will until there is the correct resources for me. Which there is not at the moment. So I'm just taking it day by day, moment by moment sometimes, I try to give as much as I can to the universe, I try to listen to everything the universe tries to teach me, and I try to ACTIVELY be a better person right now than I was yesterday. Or even 5 minutes ago.

I have not been doing well at all, y'all. I have just been sleeping out of depression for like 20/24 hours a day. It's not that I have been using but I certainly have not been using because I've been broke.

I've been so depressed since I lost my job I'm now even more depressed because I'm supposed to be out in a month with no place to go.

I don't know what life wants from me. Every time I think I have everything ok or kind of ok it all just goes to shit before I know it.

Shelby
4/7/22 11:21pm
 
you should check out Brene Brown, mom had all Meyers audio and books, i read some harsh stuff of Meyers, but theres always someone, gonna tear down most anyone, def going to listen to her now, ty
 
Hi Ms. (disability lawyer), my name is Shelby and I live in Sand Springs. I was scheduled for a phone consultation this past week, but my phone kept "suspecting" spam when you called and sending you to voicemail. I have called today and yesterday and have gotten the answering machine. I was referred to y'all by (hiv counselor) from (facility that helps people with hiv). I'm a 27 year old male and I am seeking disability for myself due to what I'm more recently finding out is Autism. I won't try to bore you with the details here but disability is literally the last thing I ever wanted but job after job and failed college course after failed college course and apartment to apartment, I'm finally so burnt out on always having to do something new because I'm lacking the social skills needed that I'm asking for help and to be completely honest I know this is going to be a more difficult endeavor, especially since I don't have an official diagnosis (the only place that can diagnose in Tulsa without insurance and without a large copay that I don't have won't diagnose anyone older than 20 years old, but I have solid word that this is what's going on from a multitude of mental health professionals, as well as the encouragement from those same professionals that I should be seeking disability at this time in my life) and in a previous life I was an addict. Just being honest here. I need you to know that that is not the direction which my life is going, but I'm also very burnt out and can't go on trying to mask a fake customer service job or any job for that matter when I know I just don't have what it takes... This is no life for a 27 year old.

Anyways thank you for your time, I believe I have unblocked anything I needed to unblock on my phone but my Google voice number is xxx it will ring to my phone and I can also communicate through my email.

I'm sorry for my phone sending you to voicemail. Have a good day.

Shelby
(sent to disability lawyer on 4/8/22 8:59am)
 
Robi said:
you should check out Brene Brown, mom had all Meyers audio and books, i read some harsh stuff of Meyers, but theres always someone, gonna tear down most anyone, def going to listen to her now, ty
Click to expand...
I do love me some Brene Brown it takes me a second to like comprehend what she is trying to say like I get at base level what's going on but sometimes with her extra special flair of adhd sometimes she is like trying to communicate something in like a hyperbole and I'm like "i WANT to get this. And I would feel better about myself if I DID get this, but for some reason I don't get this" and it's like not her fault at all because she's speaking to neurotypical people lol but I like once I understand what she's *trying*to say like after I let it marinate in my mind for a moment and spend time with it I fucking love her she's funny and motivational like her and I are just enough ND that our minds are similar at a LOT of... Idk... Thoughts(?? Not the right verbiage but oh well) but the parts that aren't similar get confused but yeah I should watch more of her stuff, Robi. 😁

Shelby 4/8/22 9:05am
 
So I'm sitting here... I need to sleep. I had a conversation with a dude who does the shit basically he was telling me that I shouldn't try to listen to modern preachers because evil has worked into what we know as the modern church and following their depiction of Jesus is like following the devil.

I'm not real sure to make of all of it like look... It's obvious this dude has had a lot of time to think about his view of religion and spirituality.

But there's some weird connections I need to bring up.

But first there are 3 things I have to say... Let it be on record I did smoke last night about 10 or 11pm. I did not get high, but yes it is in my body.

The second thing I need to tell you is that I don't have the verbiage for what I actually want to say and for side note this is a very common problem in my life it turns out because I really truly believe it's limiting my ability to receive the help that I need. Because when I try to tell people how I feel like they go "aw I'm sorry" like no I've had enough people sorry for me I need something more, someyying different because leaving me to my own vices really isn't gonna solve anything.

"oh but Shelby just put your mind on it"

"oh Shelby you're going through the phases of drug addiction"

No you do not understand on base level of what kind of trouble I am in. I am not saying lock me and throw me away that would be the most traumatic thing you could do, what I'm saying is I need idk... Like... I need to live with a friend or someone who I know and knows me and knows my quirks... Or is open minded to learning all of them.

So the third important thing I have to tell you before I start sounding like the history Channel during illuminati week is that... It feels like my life is a science experiment that nobody is telling me about. Like here's a few examples of what I mean: I have the thought that everybody that replies to my messages are the same person, I have Felt that maybe extra eyes on me for some Reason, I really think I got Truman syndrome.

OK... So... Here's the thing... I just had a pretty big revalation... This dude that basically was telling me that there are different species on earth... I just realized the info he was giving me sounded familiar..

Back when I went to rehab this last time they played the history Channel for like a week solid.

Fuckin A man I need no more hocus pocus in my life I just want to be a good loving person and if there is an after life all I ask for is I want to be around the people and animals I loved the most.

Emphasis on just wanting to be a good person. I don't want to do harm, to anybody, and to recently.... Myself... And I don't want bullshit from anybody either. Indirect bullshit is still bullshit... Take from that what you will.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have my disability interview with the disability lawyer Friday I emailed her from her website, which I posted here, and she emailed me back asking what time she should call me and I think I said like 2 or 3 I'm going to try to be up at noon though I need to set my table's alarm across the room from me.

Tomorrow I would also like to visit the leasing manager here and see if there's anything I can do to either get more time or to change the letter she gave me. I really am putting my big boy pants on because it's taking an act of God for me to not go in there and be mean because I don't feel she really understands what I mean when I say I don't have anywhere to go. I really don't.

Ok what else do I need off my chest... I got groceries today... So that was good.

Its storming here and butchy is in the hall shaking... I gave him some otc doggy anxiety meds because he will shake so bad he won't eat treaty treats or drink water or nothing. He still sits and shakes but I know the medicine has gotta help plus I sit here and talk to him and tell him it's going to be ok. Sometimes I'll sing to him if the thunder is loud.

I know I got more if I so feel the compelling urge, I will post more, but for right now I'll leave it at that. Talk to you guys next time.

Shelby
4/11/22 4:10am
 
So like... There are just times... And my brain specifically wants to call it "being burnt out" but I don't know that to be completely true... Anyways, there are times when I will get high and immediately just be sad. I'm not talking about comedown, I'm not talking about about looking back on my addiction and realizing what a piece of shit I was. No, I'm talking about "I know this shit is good, my friends are gacked, why am I hysterically crying?" like I say "sometimes" though but I've really only had it happen once ever I think, and I would describe my situation then as also burnt out.

So like okay here's something that I have been working on in my own head... I have been working on and want to be able to just fucking say what I want to say in a clear and consise way. I really tried to work on it when I worked for phone companies, because they wanted me to be able to just basically tell the customer something interesting and then sale the phone. And I am not good at that in real life or while selling a phone.

Like I just want to say what I need or want to say. And that's a fucking hard like I worry okay I fucking worry if someone might not like me or what they might think of me like I had built my entire existence around striving to make everybody admire me like I literally have no idea how not to care about something. I have no idea how to let go and really what it has done is wasted a LOT of my time and the time of people that I really cared about.

And fuck y'all it is fucking heavy as fuck to carry this around, but in truth I don't know anything else.

So anyways. I'm burnt out and I am not suicidal but I certainly see why some people kill themselves.

I wish like fucking hell my dad would step up to the plate and be the fucking father I needed.

I wish I didn't feel like a burdon to my friends, the like 1 actual friend and the 1 part time Friend.

I miss my mom. Every fucking day I miss her. I so could use her advice about things right now.

I'm getting high more often again. I'm not even having a good time.

I feel like everybody in my life doesn't support me in the way that I need supported and I know... I fucking know it's up to me to go to meetings go to rehab to find this support like I get it that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. Everybody that isn't helping me in the way that I need, those are the same people that ALSO think I should just get clean the way they think I should get clean.

Wow.

You know... The problem with speaking clearly and consisely is that it requires you to know what you're going to say BEFORE you say it, and not all the time do I. I wonder if other people do.

So I talked to a dude the other day who was like "most people like us commit suicide" and I'm sure it's just a fucking coincidence of him saying that during a time of me just being fucking burnt out but I get it.

I wonder where is the end of someone's mental capacity?

There should be places where moderate and high functioning autistic people live at, because how are we just letting people who can't take trash out but excelled in school end up homeless, with their parents for the rest of their lives, or unaliving themselves?

Also... The average mortality age of someone with ASD is 54 years old

Someone like me who has Co occurring disorders has an average rate of death at 39.5 years old (I just looked it up) both of those numbers I believe.

It's insane because I look like and act like I'm fucking capable and of many things I am plenty capable. But it feels like, at it's very core, this life wasn't meant for someone like me.

And knowing that makes me feel like... Existentially depressed in a way that I don't know how to explain to any of you.

Shelby 4/13/22 10:50pm
 
So when I went to my first inpatient rehab I hung out with this dude... He was an older preacher man that couldn't quit booze. He reminded me of me... When my head is screwed on straight, I'm an amazing person. I'm funny, I can be charasmatic, I'm a logical and deep thinker... Like he also shared those same qualities. Anyways he told me that his counselor at the time told him that the booze had been signing the divorce papers and he just refused to sign.

I think about that question a lot. A lot.

Like what keeps me from signing my divorce papers with the dope?

I get lost thinking about all of the answers it could be. Very lost. Existentially lost.

I don't know how nobody really sees how lost I actually am about it.

It sucks because everytime I get overwhelmed I just shut down right? Like I should be able to push through it or think of a logical solution but my brain and my body and my mouth and my thumbs have this Raindance that they do every time I reach the end of the bag, like my body physically just KNOWS to get more. It's very much a process addiction as well as a substance addiction.

Somehow something just clicked for me. Like... My addiction isn't to the dope like sure I like the energy but that's what wellbutrin and esteemable activities are for, I do miss the sexuality of the dope, and I heard you get it back later but I don't like trust that yet right I don't believe that and yeah that really sucks but see here's the thing I'm not actually doing anything sexually usually on the shit anymore. It used to be like that all the time I remember having 20 guys over from grindr every weekend when I first started the shit, but I'm lucky to have maybe ONE in 3 months. So I don't really know where I get that I'm more sexually hyped on the dope because all I do is stare at porn and jack off for hours or pick at my skin I fucking hate how I feel on the shit I feel shame even before the first hit and by the second hit... Well... It's over like I'm screwed because all of my feelings go into oblivion.

So here's the thing anymore I fucking HATE dope like I can't stand the smell of it I can't stand anything about it.

It's a gross fucking drug.

So I think maybe I might be more addicted to the process of obtaining the shit than the actual shit.

But I would say that I'm more addicted to the shit and that sucks because I'm really fucking addicted to the process.

So it comes to my attention that I don't really think I can do this.

Like... The whole getting sober thing like I feel so defeated and then on top of that I don't really have a support system. It feels like I can't get the help I need because the help offered to me doesn't specialize in autism. Like I realize that not every bad thing in my life is caused by autism BUT a good majority of them are. I've not even filled out a single job application or housing application because I'm burnt out to the point of having only two choices: dope or sleep, and I'm not trying actively to justify my use with the dope, but it's just where I am right now. But I'm so burnt out on all of life because it feels like I might as well not even try anymore because I know if I can't get the social training part of it, I'm going to get fired and lose my job and housing again and I just literally am struggling so bad knowing that I could try with every fiber of my being to live a normal life and at this point I will fail every single time, sober or not.

Of course the drugs will make failing go faster but it sucks knowing that I will just keep doing the same old things because I don't know any different.

And I'm supposed to be out in a month and 2 days...

I'm fucking just... Idk...

I get why people like me often commit suicide or live in their cars.

I don't even have a car.

Shelby 4/14/22 4:32pm
 
And to add this to the pile... It makes me feel burnt out knowing that there's only two possible outcomes to this situation... 1: either I get sober and everybody is like "see, I knew you could get sober" or 2: I die from my addiction and everybody realizes I was right about everything.

Shelby 4/14/22 5:23pm
 
Tomorrow I'm going to the hiv doctor. Last couple times I've had a whole list of questions, and last time I got into trouble. She told me I could only ask three questions from that list and you know it's really hard for me to discern what's actually important from (at times) health anxiety.

She told me that when I have a lot of questions it makes it to where she can't focus on my health and I get it, I do, and I'm sure she sees like a million people everyday but not ever knowing if something is important or not in terms of my health means that everything is important and important things are scary.

I just... I'm so tired of getting high y'all. The universe and God is telling me that I should stop the dope while I'm ahead, because once I'm not ahead, once I get diagnosed with something due directly to the substance abuse, it will be too late to turn back, and people definitely won't be able to help me once I have a prognosis.

I need to stop. I got to stop. I'm begging me to stop. Please. You ain't even having fun, bro. The fun done came and gone.

Why do I feel so lost?

I think I'm going to ask my dad for help. I can't remember if I had ever mentioned him before here but he's not an addict at all I think his dad was an alcoholic though but I might be mistaken. When I was like 4 years old or so I used to have some weekend visitations with him and I don't ever remember him being mean or anything. I do remember him and my mom standing outside in a McDonald's parking lot (that's where they met to transfer me, they both drove half way) screaming about how they were going to get a lawyer for something I don't remember I'm sure it was either over custody or child support.

After that I didn't really speak to him that much and I THINK he maybe called me once in like fifth grade but years passed where I didn't hear from him and for a long time I really resented him for it but I see that he was kind of keeping the peace in a passive way.

My dad was a chicken farmer. He worked for Tyson I think. I know there were times where he probably was struggling. Idk with what but I remember a lot of the child support checks mom would receive were like 23 cents or maybe $75-$100 if it was a good check. There was a lot of time that he should had been a child support check too, and there wasn't.

Now, we're friends on Facebook. We talked a little bit in the beginning but then it got to be like where he would tell me he was going to video chat me later and never did or even that he was busy with doing 4H and stuff like that and he would say that he plans on talking more but it's been months now since I've really heard from him.

So... Here's the thing...

I think I'm going to try to ask him for help. If I can, I'm going to ask him about living with him. And that scares me right like I don't even really have a relationship with the dude, I just know at this point in my life, I could live with someone who has good intentions for me if that makes sense.

I'm not about to bring up the child support checks or anything, nor am I looking to guilt anybody into letting me live with them...

But I am not of the mental capacity right now to just be on my own. Like I don't have the fight left. I don't have it for myself I don't have it for Butchy I don't have it for my future I don't even have the fight left to stay alive... And that is really scary to me. Like I don't have active plans for suicide and I never have, BUT my soul feels very prone for suicidal ideation at the moment.

Again... Not suicidal. But I feel like if the wrong wind the wrong way on the wrong day came along, I might begin to consider it. So I just need someone who I know is fighting for me to be closer to me because I just can't right now.

And idk what I'm going to do if he says no, but that... Living with my dad... Right now at this time in my life... THAT is what I need and what can help me. It's time for me to get sober... It's past time actually... And I really mean authentically fucking doing the thing sober... It's time... And I feel like maybe possibly being closer to a support network of faces I trust could really help with that right now, because we all see I ain't got it to do it for me right now. And yes I get it you can't get sober for anybody else but you can get sober for someone else initially while you figure out your own reasons to stay sober for yourself.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

😂

Shelby 4/14/22 10:56pm
 
best of wishes for you, i did intake at a phlebotomy center in OR , had to ask a shit ton of questions, i really dont like the response doctor gave to you despite the amount of patients, i honestly feel for you, regardless of outcome, there is so much help in these times, keep staying sober, immune booter as you know, appreciate your journal and its never shameful to ask for help, now to follow my own advice :cheer::cheer::cheer:
 
Glad to see you still around Shelby ! Sorry to hear you still struggling with drugs and life . Hope things start looking up for you soon ❤️
 
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