Like... I feel so lonely right now like... I wish I could describe the dense vast feeling that I feel right now. It's like realizing that maybe you are the only being in the entire universe. Maybe everyone around you is just some paid actor, trying to convince you of something.
I'm not even going to lie to you. I have intentions on using, and to be completely honest, I really didn't want to come here and admit that. Like I used a little bit yesterday and then have been feigning ever since. I really actually hate coming here and talking about it. I used to just say what was going on but then...
idk...
It's like... I do so well... and then I don't... and I do so well... and then I don't... and this really has been the theme of the last 10 years or so, and I maybe even wonder if I'm not actually addicted to the rocking back and forth of sobriety and helplessness.
ooooooohhhhh, I like this post, there's going to be a lot of comparisons in it. And I get it that you're sitting down doing whatever you're doing trying to get your drama fix for the kid who can't quite seem to get it. Maybe you're getting your fix while cooking. Maybe it's while you're hitting the pipe yourself. I mean, I hope not, but I'm not judging. Maybe you're taking a big ole shit. I wonder what a lot of you do while you read my life like some kind of written down Truman Show. Maybe I was a lot closer than I thought, when I said that everyone around me was just some paid actor, trying to convince me otherwise.
Anyways I get it. I might have nice words, and say things in a way that seem thrilling, like you just can't put it down. Maybe you even feel the need to control the situation I'm in. And I would say it's ok to feel that. I would say there's this twinge of "damsel in distress" kind of theme going on for you (at times), but really I have this thing about others controlling me like I don't know if it's that I have to figure everything out for myself, even though I'm slowly killing myself, or if it's that I'm actually a dramatic narcissist. I hope not. I certainly don't think I'm better than anyone else. But at this point, nothing surprises me.
So I get who you are and I get even a little bit how you feel, but when I'm giving you an idiom about what's going on in my mind... You can take it for real that that is really how I feel, and that I'm using the idiom in that moment because I don't have a better vocabulary at that given point in time to say, in a way that makes sense to both you and me, what I feel.
I get why someone might look at me and think "bpd with adhd" but like there's this whole like "autistic people are predisposed to the perpetual void" and when I mean the perpetual void I mean THE PERPETUAL VOID. You know... "The End" or one of the only things certain in life along with taxes.
I think a lot of people walk around trying to ignore their feelings about the end. I certainly feel like this might have become a pretty big player in my usage over the past couple years.
Now I don't think I use because I'm afraid of dying. But maybe to ease the burden of knowing that death will come for me, too?
I used to think religion was for people who couldn't deal with dying, and it turns out that I can't deal with dying, and I happen to turn to religion. I do see the coincidence, but I'll keep the fire insurance.
Have you seen "The Good Place" with Ted Danson and Kristen Bell? What a great show. It deals a lot with death and dying, and I don't want to ruin any of it for you, because I really think that if you're going through an existential dread phase like I am, you should watch it, but in the end they get to live life in heaven, and when perfect becomes the drudgingly anguish of perfection, they have the choice to go through a door. And nobody gets to know what's on the other side of the door except those who have been through the door, but all that is said about the door is that on the other side there is everlasting peace. And I just really think this is a pretty good analogy for real death, because it seems as though you may spend as much time here as you need. You may do everything to your heart's content, but when you are ready, and you will know you're ready, you may leave.
And I guess that's what freaks me out a lot of the time is that sometimes I hear the door calling my name.
I'm 27 I'm not supposed to be having a gut instinct that I'm about to die alone in a hospital room.
You know what else kind of sucks?
I am so alone so often without human interaction that it's like... when I do have human interaction it's just so awkward.
It was really bad a couple years ago. I felt just like a shell of a human like I didn't know which direction was up or down, and I thought that phase had come and gone but sometimes I'll still have some type of interaction with something that confirms to me that phase was real. It's kinda like... I'm so isolated I don't know what to make of the human existence anymore. I hate that.
I wish I could bottle up everything I felt just so I could observe it for awhile, because when it's inside of you it's hard to observe. I don't know if this is a neurodivergent thing or if it's a "it's time for a life change" thing or what but it's like...
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do about all of it. I don't feel... I don't feel like I'm the pilot flying my own airplane, but maybe more so the flight attendant. And it's kinda cool that I get to go wherever the plane is going like I'm all about the journey, but it's also like... "Where are we going?" "Why have we been flying across water for the last 16 hours?" "What do you mean I have to tell everybody to put on their oxygen masks first?"
Life just feels so raw. And sometimes that's beautiful. Like have you ever seen a sunflower?
Look at a sunflower and how it follows the rays of the sun, reaching out in hope, not caring what the sunflower next to it has to say. Look at how beautiful that shit is. That's some beautiful shit.
But then... look at my situation. Look at some kid that didn't even know that mentally things were gonna be different for him for 27 years, and because nobody knew how to get the adequate support for him, he became one of the numbers. It sucks, and I hate that. I envy those sunflowers. If only the people around me were a little more like a sunflower, if only they could have had their hands up for hope instead of a finger pointing at someone.
There was a lesson I learned at the very beginning of my recovery and it was that nothing gets solved when the notion that something is someone's fault is at play. I learned it, well, idk where I learned it, but it was one of my destinations, I'm sure. When either party in any disagreement has even the inkling that there is "fault" all of everything gets fucked up. Like if there was one word I could remove from the dictionary, I definitely think it would be "fault" because people just do what they have been conditioned to do, and nothing has happened by anybody's "fault" for some time now, but boy do we sure enjoy pointing fingers.
I feel I was also taught from a young age to own up when something is wrong to. Like I might need a little more time to think about this one but I always have this internal monologue that everything that is bad happens because of my own doing, and I have nobody to blame but myself. And how fucked up is that, yeah, let me sit here and preach to you about how nothing is nobody's fault and then tell you that everything is my fault. So much for being a narcissist, huh?
Shame is a sonofabitch.
See? I'm so far into the shame game that I wouldn't even know what not having shame would look like. I don't know that I've ever had an example of what "not shame" was and even if I didn't have the amount of shame I always just carry around, there's been enough pointed fingers at me by everybody.... EVERYBODY. Including myself, that it would make a man's sense of shame all out of whack anyways.
This feels raw. And I hate it.
So going back to the part where it's just me... What am I supposed to do with all this shame when I don't even know what "not shame" is? Like it would make sense to me that you should replace the feeling of shame with something else, but what do you do when you don't even know what that would be? Little alone not know how to seek that new thing or to learn how to nurture that new feeling.
So anyways. I'm just having some pretty big emotions and the problem is that I wish I could verbalize everything I feel to let you know that oftentimes I feel pretty... welll... A lot of times I feel pretty "game over" about it. Like "so sad this is the way your life turned out" about it. So like... What now? What do I do when everything is stacked against me and I also come crumbling under the pressure each time?
sometimes my dog feels so lonely that I don't even know how to help him
because I don't even know how to help myself
shelby 3/24/22 9:45pm
