WARNING: LONG. (sorry)
I was addicted to PKs (mostly roxis) from mid 2006 to early 2008. Before that, I used other drugs recreationally from late 2004. Before that I had never used drugs of my own free will (explanation to follow)...
I was abused as a child, from as early as I can remember. When I was 14 I got infatuated with a man I met online and within 6 months was convinced to come live with him, and left my family. They did not care enough to stop me. I had just turned 15 and was going away with an adult and any sane person should have seen he was a bad guy. I guess when you're a bad guy, you don't regard people like you as bad. A lot of stuff happened, but keeping to the topic, he would drug me with god knows what and alcohol, and that was my intro to drugs... you think that would have kept me away, but no... he was/is a very dangerous person.
I lived with this man for 4+ years and escaped in the middle of the night. I told my parents we had a fight, that I never wanted to talk about it again, and that was that. I got a job within a week and had no problem keeping it together for several years, though I was doing drugs recreationally most of the time. All of a sudden I was having flashbacks, burning myself, doing some crazy manipulation for drugs and basically heading in the direction of suicide. I called a therapist and eventually found one I liked. I went to an inpatient PTSD program (after a quick taper of subs), at 15 days clean. It felt like life had begun again. But it was fleeting.
Here's my current situation. I have a GREAT team of a therapist and a psychiatrist who also does therapy. I am starting EMDR, which is an exposure therapy to help with PTSD symptoms. I should also mention I have DID, used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, from cultish abuse from birth to around 12 years old. I am not being totally honest with either of them about my drug use. I'm not using a lot of drugs, but for example... I get scripted 1mg of kpin for sleep every night, but 2 weeks worth is usually gone in 4-5. I have been smoking weed on the regular for about 3 weeks, but last night I threw away my pipe. I've done roxies twice this week.
I am not in danger of needing to detox, but I know they would not think I was ready for EMDR if they thought I was misusing drugs at all. They would wait until I wasn't. Have I mentioned how much all of this costs? I'm spending about $1k per month on therapy, which is all I get through disability (actually I get a bit less). I am still in contact with my family, especially my mom, although I have made it clear I will not perpetuate the lie, and my family knows what I think about my childhood and how fucked up my dad and his "friends" were. My mom is also not innocent, but I seem to find it easier to overlook that in her.
Okay, this is turning more into a rant now. I know I should tell them I've been fucking around a bit, but I don't want to delay facing the dark corners of what happened to me in my family of origin and with the guy who basically kidnapped me... I feel like I'm ready to do it. I don't want to keep secrets anymore.
What stops me, I feel like a failure... they've seen me relapse over and over... I know they won't stop treating me, but I do know they'd be disappointed in me and stop the EMDR.
and thinking about this makes me want to get high and or hurt myself in some way. I know maybe this isn't the best place to dump all of this, but here I go anyway. Thanks for being welcoming.
