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Why is sex painful?

OpiateKiller said:
I've been so horny and in a mindset that I was getting laid I can physically push past my standards and fuck pretty much anything. That said I have never gone that low, aside from a few ugly chicks and what not.

Are you saying you have settled for not attractive chicks in the past? What is keeping you from having sex with the hot ones?
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Man, knowing how low I have gotten, I know you lol.

Its like that chick you are walking to the train stop, or she is walking you and you see some people you might know....so break and hard right and tell her you want to take the scenic route lol. Praying nobody sees what you have done haha.
 
OpiateKiller said:
Are you saying you have settled for not attractive chicks in the past? What is keeping you from having sex with the hot ones?
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I don't want to be rude to the girls I've fucked but yeah, they weren't what I consider to be pretty. The first girl I had sex with was thin like me so it was okay but we didn't have anything in common. We were both virgins so we wanted to get laid. The second girl was curvy, not fat but she was an artist and I'm a musician so maybe there was something there but I wasn't attracted to her physically while she was attracted to me physically and maybe psychologically/spiritually as well

I could easily go to the strip club and do it that way; find somebody attractive to me but I need more than 15 minutes to get off so it's kind of an unrealistic idea. Anyway, I shouldn't mention that here. I guess it's inappropriate, hehe
 
Gormur said:
Thanks for the breakdown. I don't know why but it so happens I haven't had sex in a long time and I am just now figuring out why
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What do you like about the idea of sex, itself? Just getting attention doesn't sound very sexual to me. I like getting attention because it suggests people want to do things with me -- things I might like (even if I'm not interested in that person specifically). But if there were no things to do, the attention wouldn't be worth so much.
 
If you can get past the homosexuality, watch the movie Moonlight, the whole movie is about some guy coming to terms with his own sexuality and need for sexual intimacy. I think there were like 3-4 other people at the movie theater when I saw it, and we all walked out stunned. One guy was with his wife. I can see why it won best picture, its absolutely amazing.
 
Gormur said:
I don't want to be rude to the girls I've fucked but yeah, they weren't what I consider to be pretty. The first girl I had sex with was thin like me so it was okay but we didn't have anything in common. We were both virgins so we wanted to get laid. The second girl was curvy, not fat but she was an artist and I'm a musician so maybe there was something there but I wasn't attracted to her physically while she was attracted to me physically and maybe psychologically/spiritually as well

I could easily go to the strip club and do it that way; find somebody attractive to me but I need more than 15 minutes to get off so it's kind of an unrealistic idea. Anyway, I shouldn't mention that here. I guess it's inappropriate, hehe
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So, you liked the first girl who was thin, but you liked her only from a physical standpoint. The 2nd girl was more relatable in terms of personality but you didn’t like her physically as she was too curvy for your tastes?

I think you may need to make a list of all the traits, physical and character traits, plus any other things you are looking for in a partner. Then list them in order of importance and determine which things you are, or aren’t wanting to be flexible about. If, say, you won’t date a girl over 5’10” tall, write it down on your list of things you aren’t willing to settle for.
This should help you get a better picture who you should be looking for, as well as eliminating entirely when you’re out at bars, or wherever you go to meet girls or people.
 
atara said:
What do you like about the idea of sex, itself? Just getting attention doesn't sound very sexual to me. I like getting attention because it suggests people want to do things with me -- things I might like (even if I'm not interested in that person specifically). But if there were no things to do, the attention wouldn't be worth so much.
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Attention from somebody I'm physically attracted to

Thank you for the idea @BellaJewel. I know what I want at this point. The last time I had sex was in 2003 when I was 20. I've worked on my game since then and I'm good at closing and getting phone numbers but I don't like dating so that may be impeding my progress. Those women from before were at university and we lived in the same dorm

I guess there's speed dating. I haven't tried that
 
Hey @Gormur,
I think, but I’m not positive it was you that said something about this awhile ago, do you live in my city? 858 or 619? If so, we’re living in a place where I see how there’s a shit ton of pressure to date a certain type of woman that looks a certain way. Does this have anything to do with what you’re feeling?
 
I think Im turning asexual, never thought this would happen, but I just feel super disillusioned with humans.
Everyone turns out to be ugly on the inside, living their lives in complete misery and self-deception, whilst pretending to be perfect at work and on instagram etc. Bullying one and other to get some kind sensation of superiority, when they are all just severely miserable dragging each other down.

And people seem to be increasingly narcissistic and dishonest, and completely free from any kind of self-evaluating skills or will to improve themself or the current relationship, just waiting for some new better partner who will fix everything, upgrade to that person or cheat and then upgrade.

And nothing freakin turns me on anymore.🙁

I was trying to watch all sort of weird porn the other day, nothing really worked very well, some porn made me really sad too, (before I have felt like this, it's been a hormonal thing and have panicked and done all I could to switch back to normal with exercise and supplements).

But now I kind of feel happy about not being sexual, like I unlocked somekind of superpower, (it's kind of freaking me out to be honest, 👀 I used to be a super sexual Don Juan type of dude).

But like is my life going to get "better" if I start "chasing tail" and exposing myself to all kinds of drama and problems and more pain, is it not so that the risks far out-weighs the benefits???

Also Im kind newly separated going through a divorce, I guess that plays a part in this, and she meet some one else and did not tell me until I figured it out, 👀 also it could be all my freaking meds, Im like a walking pharmacy.😏

Any advice?

(Edit: And I don't mean you folks on bluelight most of you people actually seem surprisingly genuine, we might not agree or like each other all the time but at least people here are keeping it real)
 
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@Random-dude-from-internet I'm not asexual but I don't have any interest in pursuing a relationship with somebody either. It feels artificial to me since I don't want that. I don't think that's weird. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of people in my position. Either that or I'm somebody who would enjoy being in a relationship but I don't know what a healthful relationship looks like

I guess it sounds perverted in a way, but I like sex and it seems like that's about it. I realize there are interesting people out there who might be cool to hang out with but having never come across any that were available to date, I don't feel like it matters that much anymore. I just have to prioritize and say what I want to myself even if nothing ever pans out
 
Random-dude-from-internet said:
Any advice?
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I'd advise you to stop thinking so much. Sounds like you're in your head. I know a lot of people - male and female - that struggle to live up to an ideal of love that is distilled in them from an early age by Disney films. To me, it doesn't matter all that much if someone is an asshole when it comes down to meaningless no-strings-attached sex. Relationships are a different story, but if you're going through a divorce I don't recommend jumping into a rebound relationship. Stop looking for people to connect with and just focus on fucking for a while. You will get your mojo back. Although, I'm sure it's easier said than done.

I don't know where you live, but the way you described people isn't what I see around me. Maybe you live in a different world than me. I don't know, but I used to see what you see when I was depressed.

As for not liking porn, that doesn't mean your asexual.

Maybe you need to take a break from sex for a while and see how you feel?

TheInvisibleStoner said:
Its like that chick you are walking to the train stop, or she is walking you and you see some people you might know....so break and hard right and tell her you want to take the scenic route lol. Praying nobody sees what you have done haha.
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I used to feel conflicted when I slept with someone who wasn't "objectively beautiful" because of how others might judge me. But that didn't mean I wasn't attracted to them on a primal level. Women don't have to be models to give me a hard on. I could close my eyes and smell a vagina and I'd get hard... If you get an erection - if you want to have sex with her - you are attracted to her. The standard society dictates you set for yourself is another story.
 
Gormur said:
I realize there are interesting people out there who might be cool to hang out with but having never come across any that were available to date
Click to expand...

Are you happy being alone? I think, maybe, your standards are too high... You said you haven't had sex for 17 years. That doesn't sound healthy to me, especially when you say things like you're "getting phone numbers" and "working on your game". If you were disinterested, that'd be a different story. Sounds like you want something but you don't know how to get it?
 
Random-dude-from-internet said:
I think Im turning asexual, never thought this would happen, but I just feel super disillusioned with humans.
Everyone turns out to be ugly on the inside, living their lives in complete misery and self-deception, whilst pretending to be perfect at work and on instagram etc. Bullying one and other to get some kind sensation of superiority, when they are all just severely miserable dragging each other down.

And people seem to be increasingly narcissistic and dishonest, and completely free from any kind of self-evaluating skills or will to improve themself or the current relationship, just waiting for some new better partner who will fix everything, upgrade to that person or cheat and then upgrade.

And nothing freakin turns me on anymore.🙁

I was trying to watch all sort of weird porn the other day, nothing really worked very well, some porn made me really sad too, (before I have felt like this, it's been a hormonal thing and have panicked and done all I could to switch back to normal with exercise and supplements).

But now I kind of feel happy about not being sexual, like I unlocked somekind of superpower, (it's kind of freaking me out to be honest, 👀 I used to be a super sexual Don Juan type of dude).

But like is my life going to get "better" if I start "chasing tail" and exposing myself to all kinds of drama and problems and more pain, is it not so that the risks far out-weighs the benefits???

Also Im kind newly separated going through a divorce, I guess that plays a part in this, and she meet some one else and did not tell me until I figured it out, 👀 also it could be all my freaking meds, Im like a walking pharmacy.😏

Any advice?

(Edit: And I don't mean you folks on bluelight most of you people actually seem surprisingly genuine, we might not agree or like each other all the time but at least people here are keeping it real)
Click to expand...
My first thought is that you are disillusioned and hurt about your soon to be ex-wife. You didn’t know she was seeing someone and you probably wonder if you weren’t man enough for her, I’m guessing? I don’t think it had anything to do with you or your skills, btw.
Your meds could also play a role in your lack of interest, I noticed this with some antidepressants especially.
My ex-husband had an affair with the wife of an MLB player. My husband was out of town M-F every week for work and this made it so easy for him. She had her own trainer who turned my ex on to steroids, so when I saw him he was noticeably bigger every weekend, and he was so aggressive! It was ultimately the straw that broke the camel’s back.
 
Y’all completely doin it wrong if it’s painful.
Seriously though, overthinking kills 50% of the experience. Have ya never found the spark? Just knew when eyes met; like the whole room atmosphere changed, everything sound became Charlie Brown adult speak. Noticed the flush, and knew for certain that you’re the cause. Before the first stumbling words of introduction, against your will. For something inside HAD to approach.
And no matter what you were before hello, you’d never be the same.
Painful, hell yes! Fire usually is.
But I’ll take it over cold anyway.
 
Ty Bella.
It is harder to find, impossible if you’re looking hard. We’re less social than ever ( as evidenced by forum participation, fb etc). And we pay for the sins of others where optimism and open hearted ness are concerned. Every wound leaves a scar. The heart beats a little less, with every hurt, self or life inflicted. Don’t confused pain with the mourning of the way things were. The way WE were, when roses were simply pretty flowers that drew no blood.
Make a decision, and stick to it. Either morph, adapt to the new attitude of physical relationships, non communal, fwb, stick and move,wtf ever it’s called.
Or keep hoping beyond hope. It’s like catching a cat. Run all you want, you’ll end up scratched up and exhausted. But keep busy and don’t look, it’ll come.Usually purring and in need of attention.
Im a selfish, self centered, nothin special kinda guy.
Unless I care, love.
Then I rock your world.
☮️ out
 
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