Why is sex painful?

[Gormur]

By this I don't mean to say that sex itself is painful, but the experience is kind of mentally painful. When I've had sex in the past it's always been like this. I don't feel good about it till it's over. I've always felt good that I got the girl off even if I couldn't get myself off. I feel like females in general just don't give me pleasure. I think this might be because the women I've had sex with I'm not attracted to because I've had two women ever come onto me, one kissed me and the other was a waitress who flirted with me and gave me her phone number, we talked another time etc. All of that excited me and still does because they were hot to me

I guess a lot of people have this issue. Being attracted to people and getting excited then going home to have sex with somebody who isn't really sexually compatible. Please share your experiences. I want to see if I can get out of this funk

- Gormur

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I can't see where your coming from. Well I mean I don't understand it. I certainly understand how bad/wrong/dirty it feels to have sex with someone you are physically not attracted to, but even then I had no problem getting myself off or enjoying the moment that it lasted.

Also, personally, I get really turned on when women hit on me or come onto me.

A lot of people do have issues with meaningless, spontaneous sex. It causes a lot of problems in life.

What do you mean by someone who isn't sexually compatible? Like you're attracted until they take their clothes off and then you lose your attraction?

 

[Gormur]

I apologize. I don't know how to do multiple quotes

@SnafuInTheVoid said
I can't see where your coming from. Well I mean I don't understand it. I certainly understand how bad/wrong/dirty it feels to have sex with someone you are physically not attracted to, but even then I had no problem getting myself off or enjoying the moment that it lasted.

It doesn't feel like anything to me. That's the issue. It's like meeting someone, becoming friends then becoming intimate. After all that, you guys have sex then it's like.. nothing. There's no excitement in the sex itself. There's no feeling of intimacy, or at least for me. I've never experienced intimacy but I assume it exists based on reading about it so often

Also, personally, I get really turned on when women hit on me or come onto me.

I don't get that per se, but it just so happens that two women have ever hit on me directly and they were, by some kind of popular standard attractive. Like if you consider Christina Aguilera hot, that league. I like that, of course but it wasn't just that. It was like some kind of affirmation that I was attractive and that excited me forever; even though I never had sex with them

A lot of people do have issues with meaningless, spontaneous sex. It causes a lot of problems in life.

I'm not sure how that works, to be honest. I only study women and how to attract them. It'd be nice to know what to do when an attractive woman just shows up and I have to figure out what to do, but such is life. I guess I tend to get scientific about it because I can't figure it out myself

What do you mean by someone who isn't sexually compatible? Like you're attracted until they take their clothes off and then you lose your attraction?

I'm talking about people who are friends first then end up becoming sexual partners out of convenience, more or less

 

[Snafu in the Void]

It doesn't feel like anything to me. That's the issue. It's like meeting someone, becoming friends then becoming intimate. After all that, you guys have sex then it's like.. nothing. There's no excitement in the sex itself. There's no feeling of intimacy, or at least for me. I've never experienced intimacy but I assume it exists based on reading about it so often

It's a hard feeling to explain, but I certainly have it most of the time after sex. I love to cuddle and talk. It's almost this instinctual thing you do after sex it feels normal and good.

I don't get that per se, but it just so happens that two women have ever hit on me directly and they were, by some kind of popular standard attractive. Like if you consider Christina Aguilera hot, that league. I like that, of course but it wasn't just that. It was like some kind of affirmation that I was attractive and that excited me forever; even though I never had sex with them

Yeah, for me at least, it's like success without even trying. A free ticket towards happiness and sexual gratification. IDK I've always had a dom fantasy/fetish too so that might be why I enjoy it so much, I'm not sure. But yeah it generally feels good when people like you and are interested without you really trying, makes you feel hot. I'm sure women have a better general concept of this.

I'm not sure how that works, to be honest. I only study women and how to attract them. It'd be nice to know what to do when an attractive woman just shows up and I have to figure out what to do, but such is life. I guess I tend to get scientific about it because I can't figure it out myself

I'm fairly certain women also study men and how to attract them. Everyone does that.

And bro, I'm almost 32 and still when I see a beautiful woman I get giddy, anxious and awkward like I'm 15 again. I don't think that will ever really change.

Also I don't think men will ever understand women or vice versa.

I'm talking about people who are friends first then end up becoming sexual partners out of convenience, more or less

Every time this happened to me it ended in disaster. I don't really understand this either. I think it's one of those things that either works or it doesn't and in the end the friendship may be in jeopardy.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Do you enjoy masturbating?

Are you circumcised? Circumcision can reduce the pleasure of sex, or even make it painful.

It sounds like you're not talking about the physical part - you said mentally painful - but you also said you couldn't "get off"... Does that mean you don't have an orgasm?

It might be worth talking to a doctor, or a psych about this stuff.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Do you enjoy masturbating?

Are you circumcised? Circumcision can reduce the pleasure of sex, or even make it painful.

It sounds like you're not talking about the physical part - you said mentally painful - but you also said you couldn't "get off"... Does that mean you don't have an orgasm?

It might be worth talking to a doctor, or a psych about this stuff.

I was going to say the same thing. If you can't even get off during sex, be it meaningless or not, that sounds like an issue. Are you on any meds? Medication/drugs could be to blame for this.

 

[Gormur]

I think it's really that simple. I need somebody who's attractive, in my mind. Otherwise it's just pure carnality with no pleasure. The pleasure for me is knowing that the other person turns me on just by giving me attention. Sexual tension

I've never been with anybody particularly interesting or attractive to me

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I'm no shrink bro but it sounds to me like you might have some other stuff to work through. Have you ever sought help for mental stuff? I'm not judging you or anything but it sounds like this may be psychologically based like birdup said.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I think what you’re going through is actually pretty normal for someone younger. I think what changes is that when people age they know what they want and how to ask for it, or procure it a bit better.

I want certain things, I don’t want to waste my time with other things. I was with someone who told me he never listened to any classic rock or grunge. I’m at the point now where I am not here to change anyone’s mind. That’s something I enjoy and we went out once and I never accepted another date with him. Similar musical taste is non-negotiable. Honestly there is nothing hotter than a good buzz and some great tunes during sex.

I think this comes with age/experience. Maybe you have a preference for girls that are into fitness or girls that like to sing. But maybe you’re willing to go out with all kinds of girls. At some point you’ll figure out what your non-negotiable dating requirements are and you’ll see girls that meet your criteria.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Not everyone agrees with me on this, but in my opinion sex is (at the core) primal and dirty. What is now considered attractive hasn't been constant throughout history, nor is it constant across the world right now. Magazines and television and peer pressure convince us that a certain type of person is physically attractive and others are not. I've broken down all of these barriers and liberated myself sexually. I find most women and most men attractive. Would happily fuck just about anyone and enjoy it. Whereas I know people a lot of guys who only find women who are out of their league attractive. A lot of men find it repulsive when women don't shave their legs, which is crazy to me because that is what women naturally look like. We are trained to be attracted not to women, but to a particular image of woman. This causes many people I know distress, because it lowers their odds of finding happiness. I fully understand this will most likely fall on deaf ears. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

Sexual compatibility, chemistry and talent in the bedroom is more important than looks. (Personality is more important than looks, too.) Women can have an immaculate bodies and give awful head. Personally, I'd rather have it the other way round... But, to each their own.

I think what you’re going through is actually pretty normal for someone younger.

I'm not sure if what you said applies to males as much as it does to females?
It's not normal for young men to not enjoy sex. I'm not sure it's normal for women either, honestly.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I think what you’re going through is actually pretty normal for someone younger. I think what changes is that when people age they know what they want and how to ask for it, or procure it a bit better.

I want certain things, I don’t want to waste my time with other things. I was with someone who told me he never listened to any classic rock or grunge. I’m at the point now where I am not here to change anyone’s mind. That’s something I enjoy and we went out once and I never accepted another date with him. Similar musical taste is non-negotiable. Honestly there is nothing hotter than a good buzz and some great tunes during sex.

I think this comes with age/experience. Maybe you have a preference for girls that are into fitness or girls that like to sing. But maybe you’re willing to go out with all kinds of girls. At some point you’ll figure out what your non-negotiable dating requirements are and you’ll see girls that meet your criteria.

Not everyone agrees with me on this, but in my opinion sex is (at the core) primal and dirty. What is now considered attractive hasn't been constant throughout history, nor is it constant across the world right now. Magazines and television and peer pressure convince us that a certain type of person is physically attractive and others are not. I've broken down all of these barriers and liberated myself sexually. I find most women and most men attractive. Would happily fuck just about anyone and enjoy it. Whereas I know people a lot of guys who only find women who are out of their league attractive. A lot of men find it repulsive when women don't shave their legs, which is crazy to me because that is what women naturally look like. We are trained to be attracted not to women, but to a particular image of woman. This causes many people I know distress, because it lowers their odds of finding happiness. I fully understand this will most likely fall on deaf ears. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

Sexual compatibility, chemistry and talent in the bedroom is more important than looks. (Personality is more important than looks, too.) Women can have an immaculate bodies and give awful head. Personally, I'd rather have it the other way round... But, to each their own.



I'm not sure if what you said applies to males as much as it does to females?
It's not normal for young men to not enjoy sex. I'm not sure it's normal for women either, honestly.

Great post, you nailed a lot of things, however I do agree with Bella. My first few sexual encounters WERE awkward and maybe I would even say they didn't feel right, but I did certainly enjoy them in the moment.

But yeah, I would be way more sexually and emotionally attracted to a woman who knew how to push my buttons during sex compared to a woman I simply found very physically attractive. Giving good head is obviously personal to the guy just like to a woman.

As I got older I became much more attracted to the nuances of women and our combined sexuality compared to simply an extremely attractive woman. In fact, and I have no idea of other men ever feel this way, when I see an "extremely attractive women" or cultural sex icons I do not feel any attraction at all. I can honestly say that there is a certain point of female beauty at which I simply find paradoxically unattractive. I can't really explain this but it certainly happens for me. I will look at some, admittedly, beautiful young women yet feel ZERO sexual attraction. If I was 15 again I'd probably just jack off and get any urges over with.

These days I find compatibility 100000% more sexy than raw looks and personality, sexual prowess and skill take full precedent over my sexual urges. I am honestly not sure if this is just part of getting older but I'm quite certain I've always felt this way, but now that I don't have the testosterone of a 16 year old I feel like my sexuality is much more defined and set in reality of what I actually want from a woman.

I certainly want much more than just sex. I want a partner, a friend, a lover. Soul mate? IDK..... like Bella said, I just know what I want now much more than when I was a young man.

 

[TheInvisibleStoner]

I don't understand what you mean that you are attracted but not sexually compatible?

There are lots of girls that look good but after you hang out with them they no longer look good. Totally normal. Also normal if you are with someone and don't like them after.

But if you are getting girls off and not getting off yourself, this I don't get. This never happened and if it did I would pissed and never talk to her again lol.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

I don't understand what you mean that you are attracted but not sexually compatible?

I'm also not entirely clear what the OP means by this, because he said it means friends with benefits and then later said he prioritizes attractiveness. But, for me, sexual compatibility doesn't necessarily have a lot to do with attraction. Sexual compatibility comes down to style, level of kinkiness, and (probably most importantly) genital compatibility. Vaginas can be too tight or too loose and dicks can be too small or too big. I'm not a size queen in either department, but I have my preferences. Someone can be drop-dead gorgeous, but if they're uptight in the bedroom I don't care how good they look.

My first few sexual encounters WERE awkward and maybe I would even say they didn't feel right, but I did certainly enjoy them in the moment.

I totally get the awkwardness part... but (as you said) I can enjoy the sensation of a bad, awkward blowjob with the wrong person while it is taking place.

unless you are some mad raving horn dog

Everyone has a mad raving horn dog buried somewhere inside them.

 

[atara]

I think it's really that simple. I need somebody who's attractive, in my mind. Otherwise it's just pure carnality with no pleasure. The pleasure for me is knowing that the other person turns me on just by giving me attention. Sexual tension

Sorry, but that is literally insane. What the fuck? You expect sex to be pleasurable in a purely reflective sense?

Sex is a sensory activity first. It has emotional/romantic/intimate/social/etc reverberations, but those effects are consequent to, dependent on, inferred via, and (almost) meaningless without the crucial primary ingredient of sensory-motherfucking-gratification. (In e.g. phone sex, you're imagining it.)

I've never been with anybody particularly interesting or attractive to me

hypothesis: op is gay

 

[Gormur]

Sorry, but that is literally insane. What the fuck? You expect sex to be pleasurable in a purely reflective sense?

Sex is a sensory activity first. It has emotional/romantic/intimate/social/etc reverberations, but those effects are consequent to, dependent on, inferred via, and (almost) meaningless without the crucial primary ingredient of sensory-motherfucking-gratification. (In e.g. phone sex, you're imagining it.)

hypothesis: op is gay

Thanks for your input. I don't understand what you're saying though. Romantic and emotional feelings are involved in being attracted to somebody in different ways. I'm talking about physical attraction, and I've never felt physically attracted to my sexual partners. It's not imagined

 

[atara]

I'll break it down for you.

---

"Sorry, but that is literally insane.": I'm referring to this: "I need somebody who's attractive, in my mind [where else?]. Otherwise it's just pure carnality [pleasure] with no pleasure." (brackets mine, of course)

"What the fuck? You expect sex to be pleasurable in a purely reflective sense?": I'm referring to this: "The pleasure for me is knowing that the other person turns me on just by giving me attention."

"Sex is a sensory activity first.": When you have sex, you are supposed to enjoy touching/smelling/seeing/hearing and sometimes tasting the other(s) you're with.

"It has emotional/romantic/intimate/social/etc reverberations, but those effects are consequent to, dependent on, inferred via, and (almost) meaningless without the crucial primary ingredient of sensory-motherfucking-gratification.": basically the other feelings and thoughts we have about sex are the result of the principal sense-stimulated feelings. Granted you can have those feelings and thoughts without ever experiencing the sensations -- we start fantasizing before we start fucking -- but the point of the fucking isn't the fantasy, it's the fucking.

---

Fundamentally you seem to be using the words in a way that most people don't use the words. If in the context of sex I say someone is attractive, it means I want to have sex with them or at least I think I would enjoy it if I did. The problem is that if we accept that definition then your problem is that you keep having sex with people you don't want to have sex with. Of course you're not aroused, and in that case nobody expects you to feel anything.
The question is: why are you doing it?

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Its Painful when you are on speed and dont use lube

 

[Gormur]

The question is: why are you doing it?[/hr][/hr]

Thanks for the breakdown. I don't know why but it so happens I haven't had sex in a long time and I am just now figuring out why

 

[OpiateKiller]

I've been so horny and in a mindset that I was getting laid I can physically push past my standards and fuck pretty much anything. That said I have never gone that low, aside from a few ugly chicks and what not.

Are you saying you have settled for not attractive chicks in the past? What is keeping you from having sex with the hot ones?

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I haven’t had sex since March. This is getting ridiculous. I’m going to a bar near me as soon as one opens.