What the hell am I dong wrong? (Dating websites)

[Noodle]

...little late here, and I have only read the OP.

I don't think a few weeks is time enough to work out an effective persona/presentation for the site.

My experience on multiple dating/hook-up sites over the years has taught me this:

people are fickle and you can not really know what works

just present yourself in a way that you feel is best and is most like yourself ( your better self )

hit up every profile you can; there isn't any harm in batting at fences

luck is really the answer; just as in life, you may happen upon a hottie that is looking for someone like you. you just have to be patient and not give up

 

[deathlol]

Girls that publicly put down their looks, lie, an aren't ashamed to display their bodies online are generally girls with low self confidence. Often, these kinds of people would never look past shallow exteriors, and only want they can't have. In essence, they are the classic teenage girls that chase after douche bags. If anything, they very well may be using their dating profile's as a source of narcissistic pride, by having men come on to them and tell them how pretty they are.

Your best bet would be to simply start off a message with "hi". Don't make anything long winded, don't respond instantly either. Do your best to make it seem that you have tons of girls in your bed all the time, and you don't care one bit if they are coming on to you or not.

 

[alasdairm]

nuttynutskin, reading your other thread, i'd propose that you are in no place to be considering dating right now.

alasdair

 

[gr33n3y3z]

^^ I'm going on a limb here but are you nuttys alt?

 

[PetalsTN]

I met my husband on POF. We've been together 7 yrs now. We both were painfully honest with each other. I love him so much, feel like we've known each other forever.

 

[alasdairm]

Alasdairm, encouraging someone to not look for love is, well, plain old 'mean'. Proposing their in no place to start dating, golly, how's the view from up there? What works for one may not work for another. What one finds refreshing another may find annoying. We have no right to discourage the search for Love for or to whomever.

i have as much right to give him advice (for which he asked me, i'll add) as he does to ignore it and tell me it's terrible advice.

if he wants to know why he's having trouble dating (this thread) he need only read his own thread (the other thread). i believe there's a link and pointing that out is not mean, nor is it offered in mean spirit. if he thinks it is, he needs to learn not to take my (indeed any) comments personally.

welcome to bluelight, whoever you are.

alasdair

 

[nuttynutskin]

^^ I'm going on a limb here but are you nuttys alt?

Yeah you got me, I'm also responding to my other thread on magical thinking. 8(

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sheesh, all of the sudden this blew back up again, and it appears one of my posts has gone missing. Oh well whatever... I was going to respond to some other posts but you know what? I'm gonna keep this positive... Just when I basically gave up on trying to find someone on that site I've scored myself a date. She's 35, curvy and imo pretty. Got her number and she told me to text her tomorrow so we can plan the date!

 

[psytaco]

lol an average looking girl on ok cupid will get 75 messages a day. These sites are nothing but a place for average at best women to get put on a pedestal but thousands of white nights just like you. You better be in the 95th percentile for aesthetics or have a shit load of money.

I've gone out on a few dates with girls off there and hooked up with a few randoms but on average it takes less effort to get it in IRL.

Haha beautifully put.

In times of low self esteem, I have given online dating a shot. Honestly, it is a waste of time. You have shitload more competition than you do in real life and the women are generally pretty bad looking. I would consider myself a decent looking guy who does reasonably well with women in real life, but in online dating it was pretty dismal. I had to lower my standards to message some of the girls on there and like the OP, didn't get too many replies. I did go on a few dates and slept with a couple of girls from there but on the whole I would consider it a pretty awkward experience. You also have no idea if you will have chemistry with the person before meeting so it can feel pretty weird being on a date with them.

Honestly, just stick to meeting girls at bars, through school/work and through friends. These are the best ways to meet people where you will get a real idea of who they are and if you will click with them

 

[alasdairm]

Sheesh, all of the sudden this blew back up again, and it appears one of my posts has gone missing. Oh well whatever... I was going to respond to some other posts but you know what? I'm gonna keep this positive... Just when I basically gave up on trying to find someone on that site I've scored myself a date. She's 35, curvy and imo pretty. Got her number and she told me to text her tomorrow so we can plan the date!

congratulations.

at what point will you tell her that you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
that you don't think you have any hope of any relationship ever working?
that, no matter what happens, you'll always love somebody else?
that you have mental problems?
that you can't hold a job?
that you think you're manic depressive or bipolar and it seems to be getting worse and worse?

i'm not saying this to be flip or mean. this is the kind of stuff i'm talking about when i tell you, in my opinion, you should not be dating.

i'm also concerned that you believe that you'll find somebody that you like and who likes you and everything will be instantly better. what's more likely, again in my opinion, is that your issues will end up causing problems, potentially leading to a break-up and you'll both end up hurt.

put yourself in this girls shoes. pretend she's read your other thread. how do you feel?

alasdair

 

[alasdairm]

you did not offend me as i know to not take your comments personally.

alasdair

 

[nuttynutskin]

congratulations.

at what point will you tell her that you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
that you don't think you have any hope of any relationship ever working?
that, no matter what happens, you'll always love somebody else?
that you have mental problems?
that you can't hold a job?
that you think you're manic depressive or bipolar and it seems to be getting worse and worse?

i'm not saying this to be flip or mean. this is the kind of stuff i'm talking about when i tell you, in my opinion, you should not be dating.

i'm also concerned that you believe that you'll find somebody that you like and who likes you and everything will be instantly better. what's more likely, again in my opinion, is that your issues will end up causing problems, potentially leading to a break-up and you'll both end up hurt.

put yourself in this girls shoes. pretend she's read your other thread. how do you feel?

alasdair

You realize that the thread you're commenting on is almost 1 1/2 months old? Look here... I use this place just like a lot of people do, to dump their personal negative shit and get it off their chest. It's not like I walk around constantly going on about my problems. The opportunity arose for a date and I'm going to take it. I'm not going to live in fear of what ifs because guess what? I don't even know the person. There's no guarantee that it would work even if I didn't have some of the problems I have. All you have to do is look at the divorce rate to know that. But thanks really, you're very helpful. Some people would probably consider you a condescending know-it-all, but they obviously just don't get the magnitude of your advice.

nutty

 

[ilikestims]

The thing about dating websites that bothers me is how conservative girls/women are in meeting.

I don't want to text you and write messages online. I want to meet you in person and, to a lesser extent, talk on the phone.

It seems the women have it backwards. You don't get to know someone through text. There is way much to pick up on in person. Non-verbal cues are everything. And until we establish raw, physical attraction, I am not interested in getting to know you. I don't want or need more friends.

 

[psytaco]

congratulations.

at what point will you tell her that you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
that you don't think you have any hope of any relationship ever working?
that, no matter what happens, you'll always love somebody else?
that you have mental problems?
that you can't hold a job?
that you think you're manic depressive or bipolar and it seems to be getting worse and worse?

i'm not saying this to be flip or mean. this is the kind of stuff i'm talking about when i tell you, in my opinion, you should not be dating.

i'm also concerned that you believe that you'll find somebody that you like and who likes you and everything will be instantly better. what's more likely, again in my opinion, is that your issues will end up causing problems, potentially leading to a break-up and you'll both end up hurt.

put yourself in this girls shoes. pretend she's read your other thread. how do you feel?

alasdair

Got to disagree with this. Just because he is going through some personal difficulties, doesn't mean he should not go out on a date with someone.

What is he supposed to do? Stay at home and think about his life and how to work things out? That is what people with mental illnesses such as depression (which is part of bipolar) do far too much of and it doesn't help things (I am speaking from experience).

He should have some fun and some excitement in his life. Meeting someone he clicks with might be a great turning point for him. If not, well at least he went out there and went on a date.

None of us can say that we are perfect and without baggage. You shouldn't put your life on hold just because your going through difficulties, in fact you should be getting out there and trying to live a full life and distract yourself from the mental turmoil. I think he is doing the right thing by going on a date.

 

[nuttynutskin]

You shouldn't put your life on hold just because your going through difficulties

EXACTLY... In fact that's what I've been doing for a good while and it's gotten me absolutely no where. If I never did anything until I fixed all the problems in my life, well I would never do anything lol. And of course the fact that he keeps bringing up a thread that's almost 1 1/2 months old. I'm doing better now but nobody seems to care about that... Would rather try to drag me down I guess. Oh well, I'm glad at least someone seems to get it.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Yeah you got me, I'm also responding to my other thread on magical thinking. 8(

You know you can ignore me right? There are settings for that

 

[nuttynutskin]

I've never ignored anyone in my entire life of being on message boards. I would much rather fire back at something I disagree with than to not even know what the person said in the first place.

 

[alasdairm]

You realize that the thread you're commenting on is almost 1 1/2 months old?

i do. i think that's irrelevant. in my opinion, issues like this go deeper and can't be fixed in 6 weeks.

The opportunity arose for a date and I'm going to take it.

great. good luck with it.

Some people would probably consider you a condescending know-it-all, but they obviously just don't get the magnitude of your advice.

your own hypocritical condescension and sarcasm are noted. you should be wary about asking people for their opinion because you'll often get it. if you only want opinions with which you agree, maybe say that up front?

Got to disagree with this. Just because he is going through some personal difficulties, doesn't mean he should not go out on a date with someone.

i'll agree to disagree.

What is he supposed to do? Stay at home and think about his life and how to work things out?

so there are only two possible options here? there are many others.

He should have some fun and some excitement in his life.

sure. we all should.

Meeting someone he clicks with might be a great turning point for him.

maybe it will and that would be great. i believe, based on what he's saying, that his issues make it very unlikely that this will happen.

If not, well at least he went out there and went on a date.

and, possibly, hurt somebody else and got hurt even worse himself and took one step forward and three steps back.

None of us can say that we are perfect and without baggage.

i don't see anybody saying that.

You shouldn't put your life on hold just because your going through difficulties...

again, i'm not saying that.

in fact you should be getting out there and trying to live a full life and distract yourself from the mental turmoil.

i could not disagree more strongly. imo, the last thing he should be doing is distracting himself from the core issues. my advice is that he should address them. i think ignoring them, as you seem to imply, will and can only make things worse.

I think he is doing the right thing by going on a date.

great. i totally disagree.

alasdair

 

[nuttynutskin]

Got the date set... 7:30pm tomorrow at a restaurant/bar by my house. Wish me luck guys. lol

 

[psytaco]

i do. i think that's irrelevant. in my opinion, issues like this go deeper and can't be fixed in 6 weeks.
great. good luck with it.
your own hypocritical condescension and sarcasm are noted. you should be wary about asking people for their opinion because you'll often get it. if you only want opinions with which you agree, maybe say that up front?
i'll agree to disagree.
so there are only two possible options here? there are many others.
sure. we all should.
maybe it will and that would be great. i believe, based on what he's saying, that his issues make it very unlikely that this will happen.
and, possibly, hurt somebody else and got hurt even worse himself and took one step forward and three steps back.
i don't see anybody saying that.
again, i'm not saying that.
i could not disagree more strongly. imo, the last thing he should be doing is distracting himself from the core issues. my advice is that he should address them. i think ignoring them, as you seem to imply, will and can only make things worse.
great. i totally disagree.

alasdair

I don't know how to do those multiple quote things, so apologies.

You make some valid points, but I disagree. I'm just referring to personal experience with depression (which seems to be a component of what is happening with him). He has no doubt spent countless hours dissecting his life, trying to find solutions, contemplating etc. Although this can be helpful (sometimes) often it just leads to a giant head fuck.

I personally think the best thing that someone can do is to get out of the house and pursue things that might make them happy. This is one of the first things a therapist will tell him or anyone else. If that involves distracting him from his problems, then so be it. There is more than enough time in the day for self-reflection (and if he suffers depression/bipolar then he probably does far too much of this, and it will be skewed negatively).

I know when I was suffering from my first depressive episode, I spent most of my time in room feeling sorry for myself, trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me and how can I solve it. Then I went out with some friends to a bar. At the bar I got talking to a girl. I went on dates with this girl. This girl ended up being my girlfriend of more than two years. Dating her helped me snap out of my depression and realise that most of my issues were all in my head.

The point is, I probably wasn't in the best mental state for a relationship either, but they can be really helpful for someone suffering a mental illness to see things objectively. Same might be for this guy. Sure he might get hurt or hurt someone else, but that happens in relationships when you are both well-adjusted also. You always take the risk of being hurt or hurting someone else when it comes to relationships.

I don't know, you make valid points but through my personal experience with SOME of the things he's going through, I think it is better to get out there, distract himself and try and connect with other people.