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what keeps you alive?

If paying credit to the existence of life to pure random luck is too absurd to believe...doesn't adding the existence of God just make it all the more unlikely?
 
theartofwar said:
This is weird - if all goes well - I hope to end life within 3 weeks. I am quite content , and life is going well. Stable etc, my reasons I have spoken through for now about 4 months (thought for YEARS daily) w my therapist - and she has given me interesting food for thought and I am taking parts of it for now.

My mom and dad both know that I am going to follow through so being I do not have a manic depressive episodes , I am only doing this in good times , and logical thought :). They are both really struggling with it, it does hurt me so much, but I know that within a grieving period , the lives they know will be better :) and I think that my dad has slowly admitted some of the truth of that to himself. My poor mum, she is just too distraught trying to find things to make me happy so I don't do this - my god , happiness I have !!!! I wish that life / death could be viewed differently after the years I have spent dedicated to a few facts of logic - and a few seeds of wisdom. I follow them, and I am almost at the day - now everyone tries to get me hospitalized against my will, I am quite calm and in control of my mind - the poor EMTS must be fed up.

So what keeps me alive ? My goals - then, nothing !! And wicked fuckin stoked !!! :D
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People love you <3 This is sad to hear. Extremely sad.
 
Schopenhauer wrote that "it will generally be found that where the terrors of life come to outweigh the terrors of death, a man will put an end to his life". I think that this is accurate and sensible, as long as 'terror of death' is taken to include things that follow upon it, like grief to family members.

That has been the issue for me for a long time - what it would do to my family. But I wonder, does it even make sense to think in this way? If I am dead, and am totally wiped out, it is only from the point of view of other people that my family's suffering exists; to my mind there is nothing. But surely my mind is the relevant one with questions like this. It may be in the strictest sense meaningless to talk about 'grief' if you're not even there to witness it, given that it is a predicate of everything we say that it is relatable to us in some way.

I wonder...
 
no mother should have to go through the process of burying their own child, particularly a son.
to out your mother through that is just so fucking harsh i cant even begin to put it into words.
for all the suffering you think your going through, you will leave a hundred times more behind, more,
and ultimately it is your mother who will suffer that every second of every day till she meets her natural end.
even, so i dont think she'd take her own life wuld she?
it is the ultimate cowardly selfish act.
mothers are family minded first and foremost,
her duties towards your family will come before her own suffering.
as should yours.
do you know the guilt you inflict??
you have no idea.
she will question her child rearing abilities and end up blaming your unhappiness on herself.
shes already doing that it sounds like.
you really think its ok to just exit stage right and leave your mum tortured???
she gave you the gift of life,
she carried you in her own womb for 9 months,
sher blood flowed directly through your veins,
she has nurtured and nourished you to the best of her abilities,
till you culd eat, walk,. talk, etc
every step of the way..
and you will just extinguish that incredible body,
that magnificent vessel that came from her own blood flesh sweat and tears???
i implore you to see sense.
you owe it to your mother.
make the best of it.
suicide aint an option.....
 
suessmayr said:
Schopenhauer wrote that "it will generally be found that where the terrors of life come to outweigh the terrors of death, a man will put an end to his life". I think that this is accurate and sensible, as long as 'terror of death' is taken to include things that follow upon it, like grief to family members.

That has been the issue for me for a long time - what it would do to my family. But I wonder, does it even make sense to think in this way? If I am dead, and am totally wiped out, it is only from the point of view of other people that my family's suffering exists; to my mind there is nothing. But surely my mind is the relevant one with questions like this. It may be in the strictest sense meaningless to talk about 'grief' if you're not even there to witness it, given that it is a predicate of everything we say that it is relatable to us in some way.

I wonder...
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Interesting thoughts...I like Shopenhauer. I don't think such questions can really be answered. At the very least one would need to know what happens after dying, which so many people with different opinions seem to know with certainty ;)
 
And yet, nobody does. The most sensible guess is oblivion (as per Occam's Razor), but there's exactly as much proof for that as there is for anything else. That's mostly what keeps me from trying to walk that path anymore.
 
Hope that things will be better, my spirituality, my mother and my closest family and friends.
 
What's keeping me alive? Not much. I've failed, I'm addicted to drugs that use up every dime of my shitty waiter job. I'm a step away from doing some shit that will have me institutionalized forcibly. I'm not used to living like this, and I am way past depression at this point. Even if things do start getting better in a superficial way, my heart has become so cold that I need to stop it before it gets any further. I stay alive just because I play a role in a third party's case where she needs me to just stay alive a little bit longer (although I'm sure she would argue that she needs me to stay alive forever). But yeah, I'm about to disappoint people a lot. I already am, but at least this time I won't be able to suffer the humiliation of being self-aware. The ultimate selfish act, what can I say.
 
Yeah I was taking it for granted that death leads to nothing, but I think this is the only mature and responsible conclusion. And it's not the case - as someone else said - that there is as much evidence for this conclusion as there is for the possibility of an afterlife. To be sure, there is no evidence for the idea of an afterlife, but dozens of reasons to infer that death is simply the end of things, and I would say, the end of the world.
 
captainballs said:
What's keeping me alive? Not much. I've failed, I'm addicted to drugs that use up every dime of my shitty waiter job. I'm a step away from doing some shit that will have me institutionalized forcibly. I'm not used to living like this, and I am way past depression at this point. Even if things do start getting better in a superficial way, my heart has become so cold that I need to stop it before it gets any further. I stay alive just because I play a role in a third party's case where she needs me to just stay alive a little bit longer (although I'm sure she would argue that she needs me to stay alive forever). But yeah, I'm about to disappoint people a lot. I already am, but at least this time I won't be able to suffer the humiliation of being self-aware. The ultimate selfish act, what can I say.
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Why have you failed? Success or failure is is just an idea in our mind. Why put pressure on yourself of worrying about about whether you meet other people's expectations? No matter what you do, somebody's not gonna be happy or criticize or judge. Including judgment from your own mind. I've tried man and it's just not possible to avoid. Other people's judgments and your own self-judgments don't need to be believed, as convincing as they are. The mind can come up with a lot of bullshit.
 
I am a multiple-degree having financial whiz who was managing lots of money during the completion of my MBA in Europe (I'm from the U.S., and I did this on my own dime like buying a coke). We had a team of people from multiple countries (all students) doing this instead of participating in standardized school activities. And we were getting relatively serious wealth considering we started from nothing. Clubs every night - and I had serious plans of never returning to the U.S. I don't have a serious problem with U.S. citizens, it's just that the culture is such that people are there to "get it while the gettings good," leaving no room for a reason to actually live there other than raping opportunities (which can be done from afar without having to be around that mentality). I think it's gross, and now I am stuck in it. I am blacklisted since 2008, with the debt of a small, bankrupt company. The market stopped being predictable when the banks stopped being good at lying. It was their job to lie, and they failed at being good at it during a time when everyone was cheering for them to keep it going. Sure, it was bound to collapse - everyone knew it was coming, contrary to popular belief, for at least two years, but when 100 year old institutions started dropping like flies I didn't know who to bet against next since it was like the world was crashing down.

I am not being hired, whereas before I went to grad school I was turning down $50,000/yr positions with advance cash bonuses and quarterly bonuses in Houston, where making around $75,000 will put you in a very nice position since the cost of living is a joke. I have serious legal troubles - my debt is worth enough for lawyers to front resources in trying to find me, and they've come close a few times. Now, I'm fucking waiting tables and I'm not making enough money to support even the most basic buzz consistently. I've been to rehab a few times, and the truth is that it is only a temporary fix. I am who I am - I like nice drugs in my system and throw-away money. I've tried adjusting my standards. Really. But this is not working out for me. I have never operated so close to the margin as I have in the last 4 years. It is hell, and I don't really care how other people feel about living like that being okay.
 
captainballs said:
I am a multiple-degree having financial whiz who was managing lots of money during the completion of my MBA in Europe (I'm from the U.S., and I did this on my own dime like buying a coke). We had a team of people from multiple countries (all students) doing this instead of participating in standardized school activities. And we were getting relatively serious wealth considering we started from nothing. Clubs every night - and I had serious plans of never returning to the U.S. I don't have a serious problem with U.S. citizens, it's just that the culture is such that people are there to "get it while the gettings good," leaving no room for a reason to actually live there other than raping opportunities (which can be done from afar without having to be around that mentality). I think it's gross, and now I am stuck in it. I am blacklisted since 2008, with the debt of a small, bankrupt company. The market stopped being predictable when the banks stopped being good at lying. It was their job to lie, and they failed at being good at it during a time when everyone was cheering for them to keep it going. Sure, it was bound to collapse - everyone knew it was coming, contrary to popular belief, for at least two years, but when 100 year old institutions started dropping like flies I didn't know who to bet against next since it was like the world was crashing down.

I am not being hired, whereas before I went to grad school I was turning down $50,000/yr positions with advance cash bonuses and quarterly bonuses in Houston, where making around $75,000 will put you in a very nice position since the cost of living is a joke. I have serious legal troubles - my debt is worth enough for lawyers to front resources in trying to find me, and they've come close a few times. Now, I'm fucking waiting tables and I'm not making enough money to support even the most basic buzz consistently. I've been to rehab a few times, and the truth is that it is only a temporary fix. I am who I am - I like nice drugs in my system and throw-away money. I've tried adjusting my standards. Really. But this is not working out for me. I have never operated so close to the margin as I have in the last 4 years. It is hell, and I don't really care how other people feel about living like that being okay.
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I'm sure it must have been difficult to have to adjust to a completely different lifestyle like that. But it really doesn't make you a failure man. You put your energy into it and had a good time for a while and that's that. Most people are not even willing to take any risks.

Have you considered declaring personal bankruptcy if you are unable to pay everything back?
 
I'm not going to pay anything back, and I'm not declaring bankruptcy either. Little known secret is that bankruptcy stays on your record for 10 years, and bad debt stays on for 7 years after the last delinquency.
 
Nothing much, really.

I don't fear death, I'm really rather anxious to see what's on the other side.

28 years thus far here hasn't given me much. Yeah, at *this* point, my family would be pretty hurt by me checkin' out on my own dime, but they haven't shown me in the past that it would tear them apart. I've been left on my own since day one, for the most part, so I don't feel I owe them any guilt-saving decisions.

Depression for me comes and goes. Right now, I'm good. There's some fun to be had here, so I won't check out just yet, but really, there ain't much that's keeping me here. Even then, doesn't have much to do with depression or feeling shitty about *my* life, I just over-all don't agree with the way this world is run; feels like a waste of spiritual energy/human experience. Depending on my thoughts that day, I'd rather move onto the next realm....
 
RobotRipping said:
^your story reminds me of Boethius; old school philosopher. He had it all, then came crashing down to nothing. Maybe giving his book 'consolation of philosophy' a read would give you some perspective, all is not lost. The book is probably boring but the wiki covers the important parts:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consolation_of_Philosophy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boethius
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I love Boethius. He's such an oddball in terms of the Roman/European divide. I think Seneca is similar in terms of what he suffered. It can be comforting to read the work of these people and to know that people have been suffering for thousands of years.
 
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