Long time lurker, decided to sign up
I am The Dumb Banana, I was born into a wealthy family in Eastern Madagascar and lived throughout my childhood by working in a coal mine from the age of five right up untill I was about 15, when it collapsed and killed my entire family.
I survived on my own for the next 2 years in a treehouse I built with mud and the remains of my deceased ancestors. I feed on local fruits and animals untill the day I contracted Bananathritus, a rare disease, which forced me to walk 196kms uphill, both ways, to the closest conurbation.
Staggering into the local hospital, I collapsed in a heap in the waiting room and woke up on the operating table with a scaple in my stomach and 30 people standing around watching, it was then the "doctor" realised I was still awake and knocked me out with an iron frypan.
When I woke up again, I was on a ship bound for a strange country of which I had never heard of before. I had a 45cm scar from my naval upwards and was missing an eye, also I had a strange craving for bottled hibiscus flower juice and paw paw salad. I got up to explore the ship but was quickly punched in the jaw by the Captain, who explained that I was precious cargo and that if I did anything but breathe he'd sodomise me and force me to listen to Celine Dion albums on a continous loop for 29 hours a day.
Horrified, I sat down for 2 years in the same spot not moving a muscle even to eat or drink, untill one day one of the crew pitied my situaton and explained to me that this "precious cargo" was the 50kg of amphetamines hidden inside my body.
Infuriated, I cracked him in the mouth, knocking him unconscious, grabbed his musket and killed everyone on the ship, twice. I jumped off the side of the boat and swam for another 11 months non-stop untill I reached the shores of Australia.
Exhausted, I staggered into an internet cafe and typed this post with the remainer of my energy.