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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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its so fucking hard to get a job if you have a criminal record. so fucking stupid too. if an ex-criminal can't get a job, he's probably just gonna return to a life of crime. fuck the system.
 
I could just hang my mother and half-brother by meat hooks. She's 70, he's 45, and they have been living together like man & wife for over a year. These two have fucked up my head so bad, I don't think I'll ever be the same. Couple that with both children in jail, my grandmother passing (who raised me) 4 months ago, my ex-husband & father of my youngest child blowing his brains out in June, massive medical issues on my part, poverty, and overall fuckery, I fear my sanity holds on by a shakey thread. Other family members just say,"Don't speak to them, cut them out of your life." Its so fucking hard! I close them out, and then hope creeps in. Hope they will change, hope my mom becomes the person she used to be. Or maybe she never was a good person, just a bitter hateful bitch that I chose not to see. I don't have a hard shell, never have, never will. Maybe I'm just destined to have these people slowly chink away my heart and soul.
 
My childhood best friend and I have been copping together lately. He has HCV, which is a little nerve racking to shoot w/ someone who is confirmed HCV positive, but it shouldn't be a problem b/c I am careful and make it a point to not share anything or use anything I didn't bring w/ me (water, cooker, rigs, cotton, ANYTHING). But he seems almost like he is bent on trying to infect me. First off, he is always offering me water he has dipped into. He dips into mine when I'm not paying attention. And worst of all, he fucking sprayed me with a blast from his syringe while I was fixing up. I'm sure he didn't mean to do it, but what. the. fuck. And he just acts like it isn't a big deal. Like it's a joke or some shit. I'm getting livid now.
 
^Duuude! I know it's none of my business but are you sure it's a good idea to continue shooting up with him?! Be careful :(

I don't even know what to say. My head feels so full of so, so many things but I have no idea what to write down. I want to go crawl into a hole and die. I want to forget everything. I want for it to be possible to just leave and forget everything that came before. I want to be able to start my life over without everything that's already happened. I want it all to be gone. I wish I could be 'normal' like all the other people my age here. I feel like I'm so separate from them, like I'm completely different and living in a world of my own. Maybe it's because I've gone through more? I do'nt even know if I have but I can't have fun like them, I just can't. I don't enjoy it. They seem to find fun in such simple things and to always be so happy but I just want for it all to end. I want to stop pasting a smile on my face in the mornings and I want to be able to answer that I'm fucking awful when someone asks me how I am. For fuck's sake no, I'm not okay. I've been thinking of suicide every single days in the past what, nine months? And I'm expected to just keep that inside and act 'normal'?
I wish I could talk to you and see you more. You have no idea how happy it makes me just to run into you. Spending the evening with you the other day were a few of the best hours I'd spent in weeks. It makes me so miserable the barrier you've put up between us. I wish you would just understand.
 
my next doctor's appointment isn't until jan. and what i had this week was like a screening of sorts. =]

still no meds. and i see a therapist next. who would direct me to a psych. wonder if that will take another two months. =]

january. =]
 
kaywholed said:
i am constantly starving. but don't want to be fat
Click to expand...

kaywholed, that sucks, I hope you are okay. You just have to try and remember, you won't get fat if you eat. You will only gain weight if you eat over the recommended amount, over a long period of time. If you do eat, and weigh yourself, it's just water weight. It'll go away.

Saying that, I came on here to vent about food as well. This past 2 or so weeks, I can't stomach anything. The smell of food makes me feel sick. I know my body is hungry, but when I try, I can't eat more than a bite of food. Not even weed helps. I just tried to it again, but I can't do it, I feel like I'm going to be sick. Is this just another withdrawal symptom from benzos? I managed to get ahold of some today, so I thought after taking them I'd be fine.

Oh, and also I am fucking idiot. I thought I was up to date with my rent after paying £1200 in October. But I just read an email saying I owe another £1000. I'm so fucked. I have fucked up every area of my life.
 
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hahahahhaha I HATE myself hahahahahhahaha

hate lol hahahahhahahah

HATE
 
This was to be my last day using heroin, but I know I'll use this weekend b/c I just got an awesome connect, I'm getting money, and I'm seeing a girl and I'm anxious about it. I'm already resolved; just wanted to rant.

I really hope I don't get myself a habit. Again. And again.
 
it would be pretty great if i could stop shitting all over my social media when i'm drunk and waking up thinking "oh god, i've got to delete anything i posted".
ridiculous thought to have in the morning.
 
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^ i used to have a bad drunk dialing habit

i feel so anxious right now like i could just burst out crying at any moment i am trying not to take my benzos unless i really feel desperate ... and then i feel guilty about it
 
well i am just drunk enough to not delete a rant. (until later!)

i don't remember it clearly but there was a comment altercation on facebook on a mutual "friends" wall (i know this is already sad/hilarious) wherein my ex called me by name (doesn't that always make you look like you know a person? repeating their name? no???) to just try to be a dick.

the mutual "friend" has now deleted what was said so i can't go over it. but i just wish i could tell that stupid motherfucker. that i don't care anymore. that he might have meant the world to me, but my world was a very fucked up, damaged place. that he is a pathetic leach. that he has no room EVER to try and insult me. that he is everything he claims to hate, with a fucking cherry on top.

i supported his ass through his "better and worse" like a goddamn WIFE and all i got was worse and more mentally ill (THANKS FOR THE ANTICS, MAN) and guess who wasn't there for me when MY shit hit the fan? you can't sit at home like a goddamn school boy sucking your family's cock and then go after me, no matter WHAT i've done you silly bitch. you will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a worse person than i am. and that is some objective reality shit, BITCH.
 
so i feel like shit, this "breakup" has fucked me.
it happened 2 weeks ago. Since then i've been drinking every day, and started to get into coke. I've been doing coke for the past week almost every day. I'm wasting my savings on it even though I'm supposed to go on a long backpacking trip (1 year) in april with the person who broke me like no one ever has before. what the fuck is love other than some deluded chemical reaction in your brain created by fooling yourself into thinking someone might actually feel the same way. It started a year ago, one drunk night. We didnt know what it was, we were just friends, i soon started seeing someone else, and she gave me shit for that. So i broke up with them. it was good for a while, i honestly relized i was in love for the first time and so happy.... this was just 2 weeks before she moved. Then she told me she started to see someone else when she moved back to her hometown. I drove 14 hours to see her two weeks ago. Why? Because i must have deluded myself into thinking she felt the same way. We've been living apart for 3 months. She asked me not to fall in love with anyone else, and promised not to either. So what then...? Why the fuck did you ask me that? When I see her again, she says she doesn't want to be with me. How am I supposed to go on this trip with someone im so hung up over? It's all i've got going for me though. I hate this. It's like life likes to tease me. I've gone through way too much shit. I wish i could catch a break for once. fuck. she made me truley happy for the first time in my life, i had finally realized i didnt know what happiness was until this summer. now im back to square one. maybe even further back. at least before I didnt know what it was to be a happy person so i didnt care as much. im just left the the memories that i try to ignore. but still...i dream of her every single night. its hard to get over it when everything around me, songs, streets, houses, EVERYTHING reminds me of her. its hard when she tells me she still loves me and cares about me,
 
I need to quit dope. I need to fucking quit. I can do it..... these thoughts will soon subside. At least I hope. I just can't do this anymore though. I like getting high but heroin just isn't fucking worth it in the long run..... Why did I have to start? :( I'm so fucking stupid.
 
What does it matter if I express myself or not? What does it matter if I even have a thought or not?
I'd rather just mash my keyboard
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^^ let it all out dude.

@Stayfaded - You truly are thinking straight now.
You have the power to quit heroin.. Sure, it is a giant leap.. But it was a bigger leap when you started using in the first place.
Don't let it hold you down for good.
 
tripnotyzm said:
@Stayfaded - You truly are thinking straight now.
You have the power to quit heroin.. Sure, it is a giant leap.. But it was a bigger leap when you started using in the first place.
Don't let it hold you down for good.
Click to expand...

Thank you Tripnotyzm, I really hope I can quit. I know I can because I have but I always relapse. I got clean off of oxycontin and that lasted for awhile. I then relapsed and started pills to only end up using heroin... The last time I went four weeks without dope. I just wasn't going to get it. My dealer however continued to text me and I got in a fight with my mother....and used that as an excuse to go cop. Ugh.

I can quit but these thoughts are always overpowering. I have everyone hitting me up but I can't even find the nerve to delete their numbers. I also hate how my main supplier is my friend. We were friends before we even admitted to each other we did dope. I knew she did pills but not fucking dope. Nor did I know that they sold it. Lmfao. We weren't close friends but went out a lot of the times ect but then we just had to let the cat out of the bag. Now all we do is dope. Watch movies while doing dope... go out but gotta do dope first. Cook together but do dope. Pick up her kids and still do dope.

Yup she has kids and I feel like a scumbag. I did dope in the next room while one of her kids played video games in the next room. The rooms are barely even separated and nor are they closed off.
 
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working makes me sad. stress is killing me, and instead of working out im pigging out on junk. 14+ months of no vacation is killing me.
 
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