I've had a lot of rough times since I first got addicted to opiates, but I don't know if I've ever been this miserable before. I may have, but lately I've been having such a hard time. I'm stressed constantly, I have terrible anxiety, I'm in debt for the first time time ever, I'm fucking up in school, and I can't stop doing dope.
I'm prescribed sub now, but I can't get myself to get on it. Every time I try I must be taking it too early or something because it sends me into this terrible feeling of panic, fear, anxiety x 100, and the worst feeling of depression I've ever had. I just feel like crying. I then panic and end up scoring dope even though it gets blocked, but it breaks through enough to take away that panic. I used to have no problem switching back and forth, but that was when I was only using dope 2-3 times a week, as opposed to where I've had multiple weeks straight being on dope. This is the first time I've really been doing bad while shooting dope as well, so my tolerance has gotten real high. I shoot around 5-6 bags a day, sometimes more, and that's largely because that's my financial limit. It's making me broke doing this though.
I'm so disappointed thinking about how much time I've lost because of my addiction and how long it's going to take me to recover, if I even do. I'm still getting high, but I think I mainly like it now because I know I won't be in an absolute panic. I don't get as high anymore because of my tolerance and because there's only a small part of me that wants to get bags. There's a big part of me that hates myself when I pick up so I'm filled with this self-loathing and self hatred.
I middleman for a few of my friends. I don't gain much, maybe a free bag or two because I don't want to charge them much because they are my friends. I feel awful doing it though as I feel like I'm actively ruining their lives as well as mine. I'm depressed. I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm going to try to get on sub tomorrow, but I'm scared that it's just going to send me into panic mode again. If this doesn't work I don't know what I'm going to do. I still live at home and my parents are really worried/upset/disappointed. They don't want to kick me out, but I'm not too far away from being homeless. I'm not very religious, but I've been asking God for help because it's the only thing I can think of doing.
Honestly I'd probably be considering suicide, except a good friend of mine killed himself at the end of August and it seemed like a really selfish thing to do. I'm still hurt and sad that he's gone. I can't take this life anymore. I feel so unhealthy and miserable all the time.
. I wake up with a feeling of dread and self hatred and all i can do about it is go get fuckin high. 
