Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[panic in paradise]

it has cost me like $120 a month for internet i cannot even use to listen to music or look at art.

 

[helium-4]

Wow no matter the effort I put into helping around the house, making sure its known that if my parents need help with anything to let me know, and to take things on by myself when I see something could be done. Well today my mom was busy trying to get good deals on plane tickets and she obviously worked hard, spending alot of time. Late in the afternoon after I was out getting job applications I come back home and ask about dinner. She didn't know what the plan was for dinner (whether we were going out for mothers day dinner or making dinner here), so I said, I'd cook dinner if she decided to not go out for dinner tonight. Well time goes by, and I'm wondering whats going on with dinner, so I go down and ask whats happened to dinner. She started ranting about how there wasn't anything planned and I should have just made dinner with out having to be told to. Then she went on about how no one ever does anything with out being asked... Basically all the shit I've been doing to take a lot of the house hold chores off her hands doesn't matter, or she doesn't bother to recognize. Shit just pisses me off. Tonight how the fuck was I supposed to know you wanted to stay home tonight with out you telling me, as well as I don't know what food I can use to make dinner as a lot of the food is reserved for certain dinners. I'm not a damn mind reader. I feel really insulted because I've been helping out around the house when ever I can.

I'm trying to brush it off because I had a good day, and I've been working on being the bigger person when it comes to stupid shit like this with my parents.

I need to get the fuck out of here. My life will be 10x less stressful and I'll be 10x more appreciated. I've never been considered selfish or non-helpful by my friends. I'm always considered extremely selfless and nice. Obviously this isn't just me being a brat...

ugh

/rant

 

[Ms.Martini]

dude, you're fuckin annoying. i don't even know why you keep messaging me to hang out. do you really have NO friends at all that you have to resort to me? It was clear that we only ever hung out because of one mutual friend, and that mutual friend is clearly OUT of my life, so why the FUCK are you still here? You flirt with me, then you insult me, you say i'm good-looking, and then you call me a mega-slut. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ANYWAY. You don't know SHIT about me, and your trolling skills SUCK. You're just fuckin annoying as hell, and you need to learn to take a hint and shut the fuck up. I do NOT want to hang out with you, so stop fuckin asking. Fuckin cunt.

 

[Asclepius]

Fuckin cunt.

The most beautifuly expressivel noun/adjective(i.e.cunting bastard)in the English Language; brought to popularity by the lovely Linda Blair.

it has cost me like $120 a month for internet i cannot even use to listen to music or look at art.

Aw feck PIP ...Can empathise. Those Bastards!! Dont get me started on IP's...have been robbed by them too! Wont even go into it*Grumble x cunting infinity*

Hope you get it back soon.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Stop acting like a fucking idiot and doing stupid shit. I love how you think I don't know what you're doing but I do know. It isn't much of a secret. You know I'm not cool with what you're doing and if you continue I'm going to confront you. I don't have to deal with your bullshit. So don't take what you have for granted because I can leave at any moment.

 

[J.Wallace]

I need to get motivated. I need momentum. I need change, something new. I need a job! I need work.

I need to get my life on track. I'm going to be 21 in just 2 weeks. I've yet to maintain a real job. I live with my father, who is working his 60 year old ass off doing manual labor to support himself, and I. I need to stop being a slacker. I need to get off my ass and get work, make a living. Bring in money to support myself. What am I gonna do when he dies? It could be any day now, and I constantly worry. I have no family, nobody to turn to if he does. I need to maintain a living for myself, and him. He has enough worries, I just want him to be able to relax and enjoy the rest of his life. I have all of mine ahead of me, it's time to get shit together and help him.

I gotta focus on improving myself. Enough with these substances. Stop taking them everyday. Stop telling myself "Just today, no more tomorrow" only to repeat the process as soon as I wake up. No more loops! I got this! I have to have it. Gotta stay positive. Gotta stay strong, mentally and physically. But most importantly...gotta stop ranting, gotta end this paragraph, this post. The End.

 

[badfish45]

Man I'm kind of hurt right now.

I've been trying to make plans to see my friend for like 3 weeks now but all she does is make plans with her boyfriend that she gets to see everyday, and it's been 2 months since I've last seen her All I do is clear my weekends and she just plans whatever, this is exactly what my ex did too. I'm just a third wheel anywhere I go.

 

[Ms.Martini]

i come here too often.
motherFUCKFUCKFUCK. have to fuckin find a new fuckin regular dealer who doesn't sell shitty ass weed. and find a new fuckin job to support my drugs. and THIRD OF ALL. FUCK YOU. i told you i was bipolar before we started this whole shit, if you can't handle me when i'm depressed and blame it on my period, than a big fuck you to you, you fuckin cunt. and YOU. HOW ABOUT YOU QUIT YOUR FUCKIN MIND GAMES, i know you wanna fuck me but feel guilty about your wife, stop being a fuckin retard and fuckin with my mind. it's fuckin annoying.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Why do I just want to fuck my life up and continue to use? Isn't it sick that I enrolled myself into college but the thought that comes into my mind is to use my refund money to buy dope. Ah, I see no good in that. Especially when I would be getting a few thousand back since some will be for housing.... Its messed up how I just want to go to philly and buy as much dope as I can; enough so I can eventually overdose when the money begins to dwindle. I know that I won't do that but these thoughts are still terrible. I wish I could be more positive and stop with all the fucking negativity.

 

[J.Wallace]

Today is my birthday. 21 years old. Day 4 of sobriety. Surprisingly, I feel great! Not much of a Vent/Rant...just feel like sharing these feelings with someone.

I woke up to my father bringing breakfast into my room. Eggs, Sausages, Home Fries and Orange Juice. Went on Facebook, read all my friends leaving me birthday wishes, put a legitimate smile on my face. I thought I'd have more of a desire to use, but...I don't. Granted, I have nothing to use, but...something inside is telling myself that even if I had, I don't think I'd even want to use. I simply feel...good. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining. Anything feels possible.

I get a new shipment of MXE in tomorrow. As some of you may know, I've had a bad problem with my usage, going through grams and grams. Not gonna lie, being sober for 4 days, I'm definitely gonna reward myself with a dose when it arrives. But I feel good, still. I feel like this break and change the past few days has been a good one. It's encouraged me to slow down. Still, I know I'm gonna have desires to use, but I feel confident I can, at the very least, start an every other day routine for using. I know it's not the best, but it's a start, and certainly better than using every single day. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Who knows. We'll just have to wait and see. I know one thing is for sure, I feel much better today than I have in the past month.

 

[badfish45]

Congratulations on being sober! I'm glad that you're feeling better when you quit, that makes it so much easier to be able to then putting yourself in complete misery throughout the whole thing.

 

[Carl Landrover]

Pride.

Hubris.

I'd say that's been my biggest downfall.

It's late Sunday night, well now early Monday morning. Last Tuesday I was probably the happiest I had been in a while. I knew it too. I was getting very fit, had been working out a lot. Was in a summer class and doing alright. So yes, got excited for that better future, whoo!

Come Wednesday morning I can barely breathe and my lungs are so congested that I need to take a breather when I roll over in bed. That isn't an exaggeration either.Three days of lying in bed, other than the doctors office and the hospital, and another two days of trying to regain some normalcy and here I am. Haven't eaten much in the last 5 days and laying in bed certainly didn't do anything for that improving fitness.

Oh, and I missed four hours of class time. Additionally, I had signed up for a second class at another college and the first class was the Wednesday that I couldn't breathe. The second class was the Thursday where I was in the hospital. I've missed six hours of class time already there. The first six hours. I don't even have the freaking teachers email to say that I'm still planning on going to class.

So basically last Tuesday was feeling on top of the world.

It only took a few days to completely erase that.




----
That lung thing is nothing new. It's happened to me before, but always after extended uses of heroin. This time I used only a few bags and my lungs completely congested up.

So if I'm going to go with a glass is half full look to this it's that I'm now so afraid of how quickly my lungs congested that I'm scared to do heroin again.

Just one of my many awesome revelations I've had this week. Like earlier in the week when I couldn't breathe at all and had this whole oxygen getting into my lungs problem I realized that air is really good. As is breathing, and I'd like to keep being able to do that.


So....I think I had more of a point originally. I'm still alive, that's cool. I guess that's enough for now.

 

[herbavore]

^ Life (air) is definitely trying to tell you something. Sounds like you are listening and that is a very good thing. The class thing will all work out (especially with a standard letter from a doctor.)

 

[Bojangles2.0]

Down to .5mg sub. Yeh its moving slow, haven't been posting much over the recent months as I'm just focused on being as carefree as possible while tapering (am also on a new account "Bojanges 2.0 is a new altered ego of myself. He's the one who's going to actually get clean. Bojangles69 was a whiner and complainer, and never took action, so I had no choice but to kill him =]).

Taking a long break from the forums allowed some pretty amazing things to manifest in my life, mainly as far as finances are concerned.
I work from home now, things are a lot less stressful, and this has allowed me to slowly and consistently taper for the last 8 months or so. Taking my use down from 6mg to .5mg.

I probably won't be off for another couple of months, or maybe more, but I will be soon. I'm out of excuses at this point, I'm also out of things to really complain about.
My attitude has definitely changed since I began eating right, I still don't sleep that well, but its the tapering to blame. Anyway I told myself I'm not complaining about anything, so I hope everyone is doing well.

Good to see a lot of the same old people around here too!

-Bo

 

[Elkat13]

I have no hope, no strength, no ambition, no joy. I want to release the waterfall of tears that are building up like a dam behind my eyes, but I can’t. I’m at work. Scratch that – I just step outside and balled my eyes out. I feel terrible. I feel like I want to die. I’m not suicidal, I don’t really want to die. I just want to feel the overwhelming satisfaction on sticking a spike in my arm and getting my happiness back. I don’t want to quit, I don’t want to go on Suboxone again. I just want to use. Every day. Today, tomorrow and the rest of the next part of my life at least.

But I don’t want to ruin other people’s lives in the meantime. Why am I so selfish? Why can’t I see the light that everyone else seems to be able to eventually see? Why can’t I WANT to quit? And now I’m crying again… I want to leave work and go home and fucking lye on my couch or bed something cigarettes, wishing I was dead.

 

[ErgicMergic]

Fuck alcohol when used in excess, fuck gambling addicts, and FUCK alcoholics who become aggressive, rude, ignorant, violent jerkoffs when wasted. I'm ashamed to call my extended family "family" anymore, they've wasted their lives living day-to-day lives for the next beer, the next Jack Daniels, the next FUCKING poker game, the next hit of weed they so disgustingly fiend over. Just wasted bodies, empty souls, no substance, no motivation, nothing.

Nothing is respected by my cousins, they treat drugs, people, family, their parents, EVERYTHING as just something to be used excessively to gain them a bit of pleasure or to pass the time. No empathy, no gratefulness, nothing. Instead of just enjoying life, they complain, bitch, and moan about everything and everyone they can! The negativity is just fucking ridiculous. The sad thing is that they're worse and worse every time we visit them, which is becoming less and less now.

Now that I don't even drink occasionally anymore, or smoke weed at the moment, I see everything as it is when I'm around them. There is no covering up doubts, I just see the sad realities of wasted youth, and the truth is, I'm so scared of becoming another waste of life. At 22, my life is FUCKED due to the felony drug possession conviction (hash oil) I picked up 1.5 year ago, and from my numerous F's and W's I've accumulated from avoiding my life semester after semester. If I wasn't going to get an A in the class, I would say fuck it and just stop going to class, or would drop it for a W since I would stop going.

I know I'm intelligent, and can see the world in a way that others can't, but how do I crawl out of this hole now that I actually have the motivation to go to school and actually do well? LACCD now won't let you retake classes you've failed or dropped three times, something that got me so depressed with my Calculus and CompSci classes. I have 200 hours of community service I was ordered to complete by "this summer," but extreme physical pain has made it seem like such an impossible task, as felony comm service is heavy labor, so I've just avoided it, having not completed any of it. I am on probation, have no friends due to suddenly losing my close-knit social circle 2 years ago due to rumors, lies, and a traumatic experience caused to me by one of my "friends," have a blemished college transcript after having gotten a 3.8 GPA with AP's and honors in HS, with extremely high ACT and SAT scores without opening a prep book, and feel like my life is now as wasted as my cousins'.

What do I do? I don't even know where to begin in repairing my life. It seems like such an impossible task that I just avoid it like I do everything bad, hoping it will go away, but letting it just turn to shit in the meanwhile. Grades, community service, friends, chronic pain, all of it. It seems like I'll never get my life back the way it used to be, and that's really starting to sink in now.

I'm so grateful to have a good home, good non-extended family, a great brother, and an surprisingly high level of intelligence which has intertwined with the wisdom gained from meaningful LSD trips and countless cannabis experiences, so now that I know how to fully apply my mind to see the bigger picture of how I could have applied myself in life and in a career, is it too late?

 

[tokenname]

Fuck alcohol when used in excess, fuck gambling addicts, and FUCK alcoholics who become aggressive, rude, ignorant, violent jerkoffs when wasted. I'm ashamed to call my extended family "family" anymore, they've wasted their lives living day-to-day lives for the next beer, the next Jack Daniels, the next FUCKING poker game, the next hit of weed they so disgustingly fiend over. Just wasted bodies, empty souls, no substance, no motivation, nothing.

Quoted for truth by someone w/too much experience watching people poison themselves..along w/everyone around them.

The fact that you realize what they are should already provide you with the evidence of your difference from them.

You'll never get that life back...but there's a different and better one, attainable.

You see your mistakes, you're intelligent enough to be grateful which means
you're intelligent enough to know what needs done. (obviously.)

It's too late the day you don't wake up.

 

[villian]

So, as many people here know I am in recovery from polydrug abuse, opiates and benzos being the main players.

I have been clean for awhile. A friend of mine who has chronic pain is going through hard times and needed a place to stay, I let her stay here because she really doesn't have any place to go. She is scripted massive amounts of oxycodone and oxymorphone with fentanyl patches on top of that. She has been staying here about 2 weeks now and all I can think about is those fucking opiates, they are literally less than 50 feet away from me whenever I am at home and I know she wouldn't care at all if I decided I wanted to take some.

I can't believe how much I am thinking about opiates just because they are in the in my general vicinity. I have managed to avoid them this long but it is sickening how much I think about them. I am worried that I won't be able to maintain my self control much longer and I'll have to tell her she needs to go someplace else because this is just to much stress on me right now, that isn't what I want to do but it seems it may be the smartest thing to do.

 

[J.Wallace]

So, as many people here know I am in recovery from polydrug abuse, opiates and benzos being the main players.

I have been clean for awhile. A friend of mine who has chronic pain is going through hard times and needed a place to stay, I let her stay here because she really doesn't have any place to go. She is scripted massive amounts of oxycodone and oxymorphone with fentanyl patches on top of that. She has been staying here about 2 weeks now and all I can think about is those fucking opiates, they are literally less than 50 feet away from me whenever I am at home and I know she wouldn't care at all if I decided I wanted to take some.

I can't believe how much I am thinking about opiates just because they are in the in my general vicinity. I have managed to avoid them this long but it is sickening how much I think about them. I am worried that I won't be able to maintain my self control much longer and I'll have to tell her she needs to go someplace else because this is just to much stress on me right now, that isn't what I want to do but it seems it may be the smartest thing to do.

I think you really should tell her. This is not healthy for you to be thinking about sooo much.

A year and a half ago I quit an Oxy habit cold turkey. 150mg a day habit. Had to stop, cold turkey. The new few months were hell. All I could think about was getting high. I would find myself looking on the floor constantly, praying to find a pill, even in places I knew they wouldn't possibly be. Then I moved in to a place with my father, and the family we were staying with had pain pills all around. They had a bottle of Oxy 30's that nobody used. One of the family members even had a script for Percocet 10's. I ended up caving, and stole the bottle of 30's, and even stole a bunch of the Perc 10's that were for this person pain. I ended up stealing too much, over half the script and the family found out. Knew it was me, but I spent months denying it because of how guilty I felt.

Get those pills out of you're vicinity before you cave and end up taking some. Once you take a few, it escalates into "Well, maybe just a few more", and then a few more. Till it becomes a problem, and you end up losing a friendship over something so stupid.

 

[rangrz]

Fuck I am mentally/emotionally uncomfortable right now. It has nothing to do with drugs, but I figured I can still rant here?
Basically, I am torn up inside between absolute love and affection and utter hate for two people. It's stupid why, but I can't get it out of my head and it's horrible. I am torn on this between my GF and like my super close long time friend. Why? Because while I know objectively they are both really smart and wonderful people, I can't help but see them as fucking complete idiots and people who enforce ignorance.

Only for the reason they both have a strong liking of, and active in the arts. I HATE the arts. I hate art period,. Its so fucking stupid and a total waste of human time, energy and intelligence. Instead of trying to discover how the REAL world works, or solve real world problems, you put your fucking energy into making pretty pictures! OH YAY! A painting, that is going to cure cancer and famine isn't it! FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU STUPID BITCHES! You are both smart and capable of doing something real, i.e. science! In fact both of you do! One of you is a Dr, one of you is in university in a sciences program.

Instead of wasting your fucking time and honestly, your both brilliant, and wasting that too, on fucking graffiti or taking pictures of rotting chairs in abandoned buildings, why don't you do something useful? Fuck, you are both suppose to be educated in the sciences, but you can barely fucking grasp the basic tenants of say, relativity. It's a fucking disgrace, and I want to watch you both die a horrible slow death.

Except I don't, because I know in a rational way that you are awesome people. That you make a difference every day. That you have always been there for me, no matter what, and that in general you really make the world better.

But my irrational part of my mind says otherwise. Why? Because I am SICK and tired of your other friends, your other artfags, who think they are oh so fucking special and cool because they paint or draw or pretend to have a band. Yes, pretend because it fucking sucks balls, and you've never played a show, and you never will, because it fucking sucks balls. Your stupid fucking friends don't like me and my friends because, well, we use words they don't understand! We talk about concepts they have never head of! We correct them when they make stupid, batshit insane utterly wrong statements about how the physical world actually works. But whats worse? Society places these fucking dipshits on pedestal. "People" magazine sells a lot more then "Journal of The American Chemical Society" because would rather read about fucking assholes like you that are famous, for, um, playing make-believe and recording it [on a complex camera designed by brilliant engineers of course, who are portrayed as nerdy and uncool] rather then read something about a new discovery on how the world around you behaves. You and your friends raise ignorance up and make it a glorious thing!

But I know my feelings here are irrational and stupid themselves, so hence I feel torn inside, mixed between this primal emotion, and what I know is logically true and right.

Yeah, that made no sense I know. But typing it out made me feel better, so