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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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So its official I'm no longer friends with you Sam (not any of the friends I posted about in tds) and the thing that hurt the most is you considered me your sister... Your mother considered me her 2nd daughter but I screwed it all up over a year ago. Drugs were more important and I said things I now regret and wish I could take back. You said some things that were just as bad but I can understand why you said what you did. I tried to piece our relationship back together but how could I mend what will now be forever broken. We both said things that will forever be in the back of our minds and things that can't be taken back or forgotten about. I mean I've moved on from that and I forgive and tried to forget but you never seem to do the same.....

I miss all the old times we had but those times are no more. Its hard to let you go and all but there's only so much a person can do before enough is enough. I loved you and would always be there for you but now its like I don't even know you anymore. That is so depressing... We never thought it would happen but it did.

Now I have no one to go to when I'm feeling down and thinking about whether or not I want to live another day. Or just thinking about life and what I want in general..... Why did I let things come between you and me? I went from basically living at your house to barely seeing you at all...now I haven't even seen you in months and I'm sure I won't anytime soon either.

The thing is I tried to make things right but you just hold a grudge against me that you won't drop. So me confronting you yesterday about it and hearing what you had to say brought closure to this situation. I don't want to be nice and fake just because we have to.... So we will no longer ever talk again and finally I can move on. Finally, I can no longer dwell over this any longer.
 
Blah, I lurk too much on here, but today I need somewhere to brainspew. Sick of bending the ear of the only friend who gets what's going on, especially as she only gets what's going on cos she's got serious shit of her own to deal with.

Where the hell did 2 and a half years go, since all I'd scraped together and sacrificed to get back to uni spun apart? I actually had to sit down and work out the dates cos I thought it'd only been 1 and a half years. Yeah, that's the point it's reached, where the days blur together so badly I can lose a year. Life made of bouncing from cheap rented room to rented room, scraping by on unemployment benefit because I'm too scared of being able to cope with a job, when the work days will just give me time to think and think and think until my head feels ripped apart.

Sod it, time to head outside into the biting cold, put more miles under my boots with no real destination. Fitting I guess. Kill the hours before the dark sets in again and I seek the opi haze that slows my mind enough to let me sleep, and ticks the calender off another day since anything meant anything.
 
i cant do this,
got caught on Friday, just gonna say its a complete misunderstanding and well either way im suspended from my highschool for 5 days, theres gonna be a meeting on tuesday to decide wether or not i can stay in the district :(
im not a bad person, i was completely honest when they asked me if what i had done was correct, i told them it was a misunderstanding and i was just trying to help my friends but apparently theres no grey area when it comes to what i did.

when i heard my punishment i bursted out into tears, i was already clean for 6 days and keeping a journal. they called my mom and told her and she cried as well, had to drive from work to my school.

i had never been in so much pain, it hurt so much i couldnt cry. i wanted to throw up but i couldnt, i wanted to cry but i couldnt. i sat there thinking of ways to hurt myself. asked if i could use the restroom and banged my head on the stone wall once and it felt amazing. after that ordeal i was in the ER for 6 hours under suicide watch.

got home to realize my mom had trashed my room, taken away all the drugs i had hidden, taken away my health supplements and OTC antidepressants. admittedly i had a pilll problem, i was taking vitamins, detox pills, sleep pills, etc. and i needed to give my body a break but she took away my fucking antidepressants!

i dont know what to do, i've never been so depressed. the only thing that sounds good is hurting myself and god knows im too much of a fucking bitch to do anything. im getting "Evaluated" at a medical center tomorrow to see if i need help and im gonna make it seem like im a fucking schizophrenic so i can get help.

i want drugs so fucking bad its not even funny. if it wasnt raining i'd go find a SMOKED cigarete and re-light it AKA a re-fry.
 
I miss you more and more everyday. I thought it was suppose to get easier but it has yet to do so.
 
Tip of the day - If it looks, feels and you're guts tell you it's too good to be true, it's too good to be true.
 
xstayfadedx said:
I miss you more and more everyday. I thought it was suppose to get easier but it has yet to do so.
Click to expand...

I understand completely xstayfadedx, much <3. It will get easier, I promise. You will always miss them, but slowly you learn to live alongside it. There are no quick fixes unfortunately.. but in some ways, would you want there to be? This just shows how deeply you cared for them... I know how hard it is though <3

J.Wallace said:
Tip of the day - If it looks, feels and you're guts tell you it's too good to be true, it's too good to be true.
Click to expand...

JWallace, unfortunately this is often true. I'm really sorry :(

Sometimes, however, good things really are good. Don't let one bad experience taint future good ones <3

Trance in fraance - I am so sorry things are so difficult right now. Do you have anyone to talk to about all this? I'm so sorry your mum trashed your room, on top of everything else.. it may well be that she was just worried for you and was trying to help, in the only way she knew how.. but it must have been horrible to come back to on top of everything else. Good luck at the medical evaluation - let us know how it goes. Much <3

Sheffsam - <3. It sounds like you have got stuck in a cycle and can't break free. Sometimes we need a little help - is there anyone you can turn to? it is possible to break the pattern, and needing help is not a sign of weakness.. good luck, i hope things turn around for you soon <3
 
effie said:
Sheffsam - <3. It sounds like you have got stuck in a cycle and can't break free. Sometimes we need a little help - is there anyone you can turn to? it is possible to break the pattern, and needing help is not a sign of weakness.. good luck, i hope things turn around for you soon <3
Click to expand...

I do have some support, but I try to use it sparingly as the few people who really have any idea what goes on in my head have problems of their own - my closest friend has now been a mother a year and is still dealing with the tail end of a pretty horrific battle with post-natal depression. In all honesty I'm aware of the cycle I'm and while the walls I'm banging my head against have got higher (the £6k rise in uni tuition fees was a massive, massive blow to me) I've not yet quit banging my head against them in the hopes of making a hole. I'm pretty sure my folks are going to offer to help me out, but they are now retired and live on limited means after a life of doing charity/environmental work, so there's a good chance if I take it, I'll feel like an asshole. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I guess.

Anyway, thank you for the response :) - even though I've not posted much on TDS, reading the words and insights of people here over the last 6 months has helped me more then you could know.
 
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!

My mom has a fucked up hip and needs surgery on it again ffs and has been talking about little but suicide for the past few months, my grandparents health is very bad to say the least and on top of that they haven't a cent to their name and to top all this off my dad's doctor sent him out to the hospital this evening and blood tests confirmed he has had atleast 1 minor heart attack. When the fuck is all this shit going to end? fucking when? :!

I'm not even counting my own problems at the moment which have been ongoing for months. Stressed out much =D
 
I can't stand you. I really just want to break all your bones.... One by one. Okay, not really but you drive me so insane. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
 
ive smoked as much pot i normally would in the first hour of my day the past three.

only a few hours of nausea today(incredible feeling!!!), and my head is starting to slow down finally, but now my lower few vertebra feel like they are trying to slip out of place. want to sleep but cant sit still for more then 20 seconds or somethng. very frustrated

lol + ive got 'oral surgery' in a few hours...


i have a "mysterious tooth" these dentists want to cut into my jaw to look at, idk about this.....
:-x
 
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apparently last may when i had this tooth worked on originally, the dentist cracked the molars saddle which has been splitting it up the center this whole time...

they capped/crowned it off.


r e l i e f
?
 
I'm just pissed off as usual..... Angry @ the world, self loathing & definitly a much different person than i was just a short time ago, I got it good compared to many, but i just seem to fuck everything up i try to do which returns me to the cycle of why try:(
Iv'e fallin in love with someone that i have known for a long while but deserves better than me, even though she wants to be with me and tells me im an amazing and individual soul. I really dont want to fuck things up with my insecuritys every relationship i have had has thus far failed, I beating myself over the back with a stick too much i know but am so angry @ myself that i cant have a good start to the day for my kids sake let alone this wonderfull chickita ive totaly fallen for. Confusing shit and that makes me get pissed.
 
^ sorry to hear you feel like that S.M.F.G.. we truly are our own worst critic. Maybe try to see yourself through her eyes? She obviously sees a lot of good in you, and you in her.. this could be a really good thing, if you let it :)

Insecurity is a horrible thing, it can take a lot of work to overcome it, but it is possible - especially with the help of others at times! Think of it this eay - every relationship before your final one fails, and that is the same for everyone - doesn't mean that final one can't be awesome and work out wonderfully :) <3
 
I beg to differ.....

sometimes it's the final relationship; which makes it a final relationship.
sometimes things happen that'll just break a man or woman, and in such a way that there's no coming back.

The worst part is, that it's almost always avoidable.

This animated illustration is a half-assedly appropriate approximation.

NSFW:
beat.gif


So fuck optimism; you just don't get back up from some things, and no amount of it is going to make anything in the future any better.
 
^ i been hurt in just about every relationship ive ever had, so can totaly dig that its hard to be optimistic about something when uv had ur heart torn out several times, Ix does have a point there, If this one doesnt work out i dunno if im gonna eva be arsed again to try and commit to anyone, hookers are legal here and it was the way i went for a while between sein chicks on a more serious level.
Still holding onto some hope though i seem to be slowly gettin better even though im still batteling with a few things. I think i can make things better its gonna be painfull but and the thought of having to stop xanax is terrifying.
Good food for thought and wise words from both viewpoints effie & Ix. I thank youz for ur imput:)
 
my fucking ex boyfriend killed my friend. they got in a highspeed in a stolen car, my ex driving, the one who broke up with me walking out of my grandma's funeral?
http://www.kmbc.com/news/30248503/detail.html
Yep, that's him
http://www.kansascity.com/2012/01/20/3381623/second-passenger-dies-following.html
&that's my friend.

I was probably mad enough at my ex that I could have killed him. what the hell they were doing with each other anyways, is beyond me. different sets but they kick it with each other? not even just different sets but different "gangs" entirely. normal feuding would have kept my friends alive but hey kansas can't even gang bang right. nevertheless the driver can't drive doesn't have much experience at high speeds and just got out of prison so not really had much practice but hey it's a good idea to get into a highspeed! not that its a good idea either way. but this guy is a dip shit
 
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stupid very ex girlfriend smashed up my house last night.
i think she was off her face on meth or something, screaming at us to give her daughter back (i have no idea why!)
trying to kick in the door while im calling the cops. smashes a window. i get hit with glass. smashes another window and
comes in thru it. i try and push her out the door and fail. so i grab her my her hair and start dragging her out and she collapses and
thankfully stays there until the cops come and drag her out kicking and screaming.

this is the second time shes done this. and on xmas eve she and her friend came over and spend an hour trying to pressure me into sex.
fucking nuts. i hope she does time for this.
 
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