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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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panic in paradise said:
what does me being sweet, maybe, have to do with anything???
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^ I just meant that you are a good person and I was worried about you. I guess being sweet doesn't really have anything to do with it. I just hate to see you hurt. I know how it feels as most of us on TDS do or we wouldn't be here and I hope you are okay. I was just wanting to show you support because your post was filled with pain. Sorry if I wasn't helpful. That was my intention. :(

Asclepius said:
I am so fucking angry, upset and full of other chaotic shit that I dont even understand atm. I dont even want to write this but I need to get something out.
I hate everything and love everything and its driving me nuts that I cant sort this out as I am stuck in this cycle of shame, self loathing and confusion. I hate being wrapped up in this shit. I have stuff to do and cannot do it- I have no drive atm NONE!! I am sad and cannot deal with it unless I am alone and it is sabotaging other aspects of my life. All I feel capable of doing atm is sleeping- even though it is a cop out. Am feeling too confused and unsure to do anything else. I despise myself right now, I know its self absorbed and self indulgent but its difficult not to.
Welcome sleep.
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^ Sometimes we are just overwhelmed and it takes away our drive. Once you rest and get some sleep you will feel better. Like Herbavore said Hugs in your sleep and an extra blanket. <3
 
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Asclepius said:
I am so fucking angry, upset and full of other chaotic shit that I dont even understand atm. I dont even want to write this but I need to get something out.
I hate everything and love everything and its driving me nuts that I cant sort this out as I am stuck in this cycle of shame, self loathing and confusion. I hate being wrapped up in this shit. I have stuff to do and cannot do it- I have no drive atm NONE!! I am sad and cannot deal with it unless I am alone and it is sabotaging other aspects of my life. All I feel capable of doing atm is sleeping- even though it is a cop out. Am feeling too confused and unsure to do anything else. I despise myself right now, I know its self absorbed and self indulgent but its difficult not to.
Welcome sleep.
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You have no idea how much i feel u man. its like one second you look at everything and all you see is the SHIT everywhere, but then you take another look and theres so much to love and appreciate. You just gotta let yourself see it that way. I have dropped outta highschool cuz I cant concentrate or pull myself out of this depression.please Dont hate yourself. When you look in the mirror what do u see? Sometimes there are days where I cant lookat myself, i hate myself so much.

let yourself accept love from others, and especially yourself. <3
 
so today is just another day where i wake up and tell myself i will do something productive.
yet here i am. why cant i feel good about myself. i hate the fact that all these years, i have never felt confident. i always found something to hate about myself, and prevent me from doing the things i want to do. and now im realizing its all in my stupid little head. looking back on my life i am not sure what caused this....i keep trying to think of my childhood. i believe i was molested but the memories are so faint and vague.....idk what to do i have not told my parents about this. i have told maybe 3 ppl in my lifetime about it. but it would explain a lot about me. my problems with eating and sleeping as a child and even now they're starting to come up again. cant sleep. i've been drinking a lot lately...and it doesnt even make me feel that good anymore i just do it because im bored. got drunk at noon and stayed drunk all day yesterday. i have self destructive behaviour, drug abuse, cutting, making myself throw up after eating, burning myself, taking really stupid risks, .. its so easy to give ppl advice because i KNOW what i should b doing but i just cant tell myself i love myself. idk what to do anymore........
 
^ I am so sorry you feel this way about yourself. TBH a lot of people do, we just have to learn how to love ourselves again. I had a friend tell me to look into the mirror and tell myself that I loved myself and that I was a good person. I know it sounds silly, but it started to work after a while. I still do it when I start getting down on myself, so it isn't a permnant fix.
There are other things you can try as well. Try to get some councling. If you suspect you were sexually abused as a child, you maybe supressing memories, and need someone to help you sort out these things. Never do that by yourself, because it maybe to much for you to handle. Thats mostly why we supress things like this. Sometimes our brains only let us remember what we can handle.
I hope this helps some. You can PM me if you would like to talk more privately.
*sending support your way*
 
^^^<3 <3 <3 to Stella and Herb


fakeplastictrees4 said:
so today is just another day where i wake up and tell myself i will do something productive.
yet here i am. why cant i feel good about myself. i hate the fact that all these years, i have never felt confident. i always found something to hate about myself, and prevent me from doing the things i want to do. and now im realizing its all in my stupid little head. looking back on my life i am not sure what caused this....i keep trying to think of my childhood. i believe i was molested but the memories are so faint and vague.....idk what to do i have not told my parents about this. i have told maybe 3 ppl in my lifetime about it. but it would explain a lot about me. my problems with eating and sleeping as a child and even now they're starting to come up again. cant sleep. i've been drinking a lot lately...and it doesnt even make me feel that good anymore i just do it because im bored. got drunk at noon and stayed drunk all day yesterday. i have self destructive behaviour, drug abuse, cutting, making myself throw up after eating, burning myself, taking really stupid risks, .. its so easy to give ppl advice because i KNOW what i should b doing but i just cant tell myself i love myself. idk what to do anymore........
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Thanks for what you said earlier- it means alot. Really. :)
Sorry to hear your dealing with confusion and self sabotage like this- you really DONT deserve it. I understand that it is so much easier to say what you gotta do, to help yourself, than to actually do it- sometimes even the thought of venturing into unfamiliar ground and the fear of things remaining the same can also be a very valid reason/fear IMO.
I think Stella is right about considering enlisting the help of a Therapist- if it helps you(especially regarding your queries about potential molestation) thats whats most important. Damn man, Im sorry that your going through this but glad that we connected.

When I look in the mirror, well, depends on how I feel; I've never been satisfied with myself physically and ive accepted that to some degree but it is when I 'feel' disgusting that has to be the wost. I literally feel ugly- if that makes sense?
I think loving yourself can be sticking it out while you hate yourself; ya know- its not always pretty. Love is painted too pretty in general. I guess it is more strong and kind than anything else.
I mean considering how you took the time to reach out to me, despite your own problems, shows that there is alot of it in ya but I guess its a matter of aknowledging it. I hope you will. Even if its only a small piece at first <3

Feel free to pm me.
 
stellablue said:
^ I just meant that you are a good person and I was worried about you. I guess being sweet doesn't really have anything to do with it. I just hate to see you hurt. I know how it feels as most of us on TDS do or we wouldn't be here and I hope you are okay. I was just wanting to show you support because your post was filled with pain. Sorry if I wasn't helpful. That was my intention. :(



^ Sometimes we are just overwhelmed and it takes away our drive. Once you rest and get some sleep you will feel better. Like Herbavore said Hugs in your sleep and an extra blanket. <3
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aint nothin hurt about not being in pain
;)


may ALL of your wishes grow more far and few between...
 
panic in paradise said:
may ALL of your wishes grow more far and few between...
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^ I am not sure what your problem is, but your post was unnecessary.

Doomed2pain said:
Why do people let me down in my days of need? Inconsiderate bastards!!
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^ Sometimes people are mean to make themselves feel better. I am sure there are other reasons but it is still awful. I am sorry there are people letting you down at the moment. You have us though. <3

fakeplastictrees4 said:
thanks for the support guys it means a lot, especially when I dont have many people to talk to at the moment. <3
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^ No problem. Your important and I am sure everyone here agrees with me. <3
 
fakeplastictrees4 said:
its so easy to give ppl advice because i KNOW what i should b doing but i just cant tell myself i love myself. idk what to do anymore........
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maybe just sit there in silence, and ask yourself "what do i want?" until you get an answer - upon receiving an answer, ask then "what do i need?" - then upon realization of this need, see what has lead you to it, and where this need can lead you further, or has lead you atm.


there are many good and bad memories we can have and then set as a standard, which can be totally inhibiting either direction, good or bad. thus set new standards and directions of achievement. we are not memories, we are from one moment to another alive in the present, masters of this space-in-time unique to us as individuals.

those who wish to send the pain and confusion of their lives onto others, are pitiful,
understand and pity their pain, and rise above it -
i dont mean justify, accept their pain as the pain of the world...transcend and evolve into the you who, doesnt get bored because time is of their essence.
 
MY LIFE has *CHANGED*.

It will never be the same. As cliche as this may sound... "I did it". I had 2 "cracks" over these past few months. One involved me making a drastic change in behavoirs. That change in behavoirs changed my overall functioning, my stress levels, my optimism levels. At the time I thought it had changed everything.. but it was really just one aspect of my life.

Then I had my second "crack". It was when I realized that *I*, as in *****I****** have CONTROL over MY OWN LIFE. Its when I realized there was nothing different between me and the next man... nothing at all. Well except for one thing. Time. The ONLY difference between me and the next man is how I spend my 24 hours each day.

2 weeks ago I accepted something I have been in deep fear of my entire life.... the potential that I actually DO have 100% control over my own life. The potential that if I just keep changing how I spend my time.... my life will inevitably follow suit.

So I had cracked like never before.

I put down bluelight. I put down the internet, I pushed the proverbial stop button. I told myself no more am I wasting ANYMORE time. NO MORE am I feeling lost or like I don't know what my purpose is in life.

So I made myself a promise. To only spend my time in a way that would bring me closer to that purpose. And the way I felt best was through words, knowledge, books, VALUABLE information. No longer when I came home from work would I come onto BL, or check my email, or do engage in any of the meaningless tasks in life that only enabled me to feel more lost about my life.

I began to read every waking hour of the day. Work for 8 hours, read for 10 hours and sleep for 6. Everyday searching for that meaning. And then one day ... one day I found it. I sensed it when I saw it. It made me feel alive in a way I've never felt before. A business opportunity. Something lucrative... something I'd LOVE to do. Something I designed all by myself. Something that harnessed the potential to reverse my financial standing, something that could potentially change my entire standard of living.

And then I got REAL nervous. "Is this really me?... I can't do it... NO WAY this isn't me I have to be insane". And I did not sleep the entire night lastnight. It was the final step, the launching of my new biz. The website. The bank account, the system I have been reading about like a freak and why I knew Id succeed. There was a high demand for it and the market wasn't even close to saturated. I'd find out precisely what my competitors were doing, offer more value to my product, more incentive, charge less, do more... but still be able to skim off a large amount of profit.

And guess what? As scared as I was... as much as I thought I hadn't changed... I woke up and did what I set forth to do. I sold 8 clients in one day making $6,054.00 today. The best part? Thats $6,054.00 every month... not just today. And the business is expanding... as large as I want thats how big it can go. I'm hiring friends, my brother, my parents have been looking at me like they don't know me. They almost act afraid of me that I accomplished this.. afraid of my potential. And I won't lie it still scares me to some degree. Feeling like I have power and can create more power is very scary.. I'm not sure why exactly.

I can't honestly tell you how I did it. I just did (I will explain what it is when I update a couple weeks from now but its in the realm of marketing). I put my ducks in a row, had the best strategy I could and went all in. And it paid off huge. My entire life is now different. I have a legitimate business to run, very low maintence, endless potential to outsource work and grow it even larger. Best part is the worse the economy gets the better my biz will do. I focused specifically on how the economy was changing trends, and now I sit on a potential gold mine.

If this all sounds hyped it should sound that way. I'm fucking ecstatic. I also will be quitting my fulltime job in a matter of weeks.

and just like that..... just like that I am a new man. I'm content. I can't complain about a single thing in the world right now. I have a life I can wake up to everyday and smile about. For once I can honestly say today I AM A HAPPY MAN. And I'm not sure this feeling will be going away anytime soon. Change is my new addiction.... drugs although I'm still on a low dose of sub, I do feel it will naturally work its way out of my life. I have something to strive for. For once I know I am the master of my domain. And for once I feel like I make the fucking decisions.

Good luck and g/bless to all. In another week or 2 I will update with the specifics because the last 2 months of my life have simply been the best 2 months almost of my entire life. For once I feel like I actually have a life... and god I'm just so thankful there are no words to describe it.
 
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^ Thats is awesome Bojangles69. You have succeeded in what all of us are tryng to do. Make it in our life, financially and mentally. I am excited to hear your update. I hope you stay this way and make it even bigger. Just don't lose yourself and don't let the money change you. Do good with it, and don't forget those that were always there for you. Money tends to do that to some people. So good luck. *sends support and good vibes your way*
 
(last long post I swear)

THANK YOU so much stella I appreciate just the fact that you can be happy for me. Because I was honestly afraid to rub people the wrong way posting what I did, sounding almost arrogant and likely to a degree naive. The truth is the shift may have begun out of my own control I don't really know. All I know is i felt it and hit me pretty hard almost like a train. And a few times I tried stepping off the train and would look back at my "old life" and it was just an overwhelming feeling of "no more". It was just a feeling of "I can't do *that* stuff anymore... I don't want to be *that* person". I looked at it like if I had one thing I really wanted to do the most in my life it would be to step out of my life, my reality, and into a new one. And wasn't really about escaping my own skin I had to accept the fact that I really hated my life I think and that I was willing to do anything.

The turning point was when I read a book about how someone else had changed their life. And I saw something that extremely shocked me. Something the person had loved their whole life, even went to college for, then they got out and realized it would be near impossible to make a living in that field. My field was psychology. And as bad as I felt like I desired to help people I realized I was just following norms. The "workerbee" mentality. Work hard and do what you love and you'll just be fine and dandy right?

Ok but I've spent how many years trying to find a job in psychology? At least 4. They all required experience, some nonprofit even, others that paid shit... and I realized if I did what I *thought I loved... I may also push myself further into an even worse financial situation. I work 50 hours a week and for the last 6 months have not been able to buy ONE SINGLE THING FOR MYSELF. Every single cent goes towards bills or gas or insurance or cigs or food. Just the basic essentials. Nothing I actually want. And to go like this another x however many years scared me. How many years would I have to slave away? And for what? To have a "stable" job? A pension?

Is my goal really just to have a pension? In todays world a pension is nothing. Its insurance encase shit goes bad. And even then its no security in your future. Peoples pensions are being ripped right out of their hands. Things very well may get worse, so thinking outside the box seems to be important now more than ever. I realized I like helping people but that there was other ways I can do it. I can help business succeed. I know how to market and be effective at it. I accepted the fact that I only loved psychology as much as I thought I did because it seemed like such an altruistic profession to get into. Such a nongreedy living. But then what? I'd suffer likely being low income/with money problems for the rest of my life.

So maybe the only thing I realized was what was most important to me. Doing what I think I love now, so I can suffer later, or do I do something else I might not love as much... but that I still like, so I can create a better future much sooner. I realized I was ONLY worried about my future, not doing something I love 100%. If I can do something I like 99%, that secures my future... that I will love it just as much. Maybe I just realized money was important to me and I felt ok in accepting it. All I know is before when I was striving to do what I thought I loved most.... I was also suffering the most. So how could I *really* love something that leads to my suffering? I love psychology... but I also love feeling secure in my life more. I also value my time and mobility. Working in psychology takes both my time and mobility away. Working in marketing gives me a lot of time and mobility back (mobility as in less time at work). So I have more time to spend with my family. And I sure love my family more than I could ever love my profession... so ultimately I think I just realized what was best for my own life. I wasn't willing to go through gradschool and work my way up especially with a record and the potential I may have serious problems trying to get into certain jobs.

And fortunately it seems making that choice led to something amazing happening. I promise I won't let it change me. I did this so I can be happier, so if anything I'm expecting it to change me in a good way. Guess we'll see in another week or 2 when I come back for my update. I'm trying to think of a way to thank the forum so I want to write something really inspiring if I can. I also don't want to come off like one of those people who "cured" their life either but I do feel like I've fixed a lot of my major worries. I have my health back and now my financial freedom too, and those 2 things are really a lot. I'm still going to have issues I'm sure but I'm trying to make it a point to not take anything for granted anymore... so that means no more complaining which means a lot less posting.

For now no more negative shit from me on here. If theres something thats bothering me I'll take action in the real world. =]
 
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^ I know exactly what you mean. I am so happy for you. We like success stories just as much as the others. It is comforting to see you succeed. I wished I seen more success stories, but until then we have each other and our friends and family irl. So be happy and do your best. It sounds like you have it under control. Good luck my friend.
 
^ I tried to pull your link up, and couldn't get it to pull up.
I am sorry you are having a bad day. Your son is just being four with ADHD like you said. You need to get one of these play gate pins that allow him to play inside it. Until your mom or boyfriend can help you with him.
*sending love and support*
 
Try removing the m. that is before YouTube, I am on an iPad, can't get the full site for some stupid reason, it's retarded.

He has just gone now. He was even doing my mum's box in, completely trashed my room pulling toys in and just ugh he was a nightmare. I do not give him sugar best I can help and he only had a special yoghurt at school for dessert so I don't know where it came from. My breathing games didn't work, got him concentrating on the Christmas story so that worked for a little, he is very clever and recited the entire story to me just by looking at the facial expressions on the pictures etc asking him leading questions,who's that, then where did they go, what did she said. It didn't work for long though.

Exhausted and listening to massive attack now to chill. Had a bad conversation with the dr so that didn't help matters. Hence the livid part.

I need a cup of tea badly.
 
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