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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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1.) Life is meaningless.
2.) Death is going to be the greatest event in my life, I'm positive about it.
3.) I have no friends
4.) I'm going to die lonely.
5.) I probably won't make it to my 40s. I'm for sure that I will die early.
6.) No one understands me or even tries to attempt to understand me.
7.) I want nonexistence. Why was I born? I would be 100% thankful if I was aborted or if my mom had a miscarriage.
8.) The greatest lie in the world is that people care about you. They don't.
 
I used to think all of that too. Truth is, I gave life a chance. I found meaning in life, I've accepted the good in both life and death, you will find your true friends, no death is certain until it happens, people who care will try to understand you, life is a gift and a curse, enjoy what you're given, and people do care. You just don't know who the right ones are yet.
 
Hey badfish,
Your situation regarding high school and the pressures about college sounded just like my situation when I was your age, only 4 years ago mind you.

My parents other people's parents, my friends, all put tremendous pressure on me to center my life around college. It basically became an expectation to get the 4.0, take the AP classes and fill every other hour of the day with clubs or some bullshit. The worst part, was my friends all obsessing about, because I could no longer find solace among them. So I ended up ignoring most of the pressure, and pursued what I was passionate about in school to the best of my abilities. I didn't take AP classes or honors classes, had decent grades but not stellar nor extracurriculars either. But I did have a resume which showed that I had a passion and a direction. Instead of just random things that look good to college admission boards.

I ignored the stress, and lo and behold I got into a good college, a very good one actually. Once I got in, I realized that most of my college peers put in way more effort and stress than I did during HS, and we all ended up going to the same college. Try your best to ignore the college stress, most is highly unnecessary. What is important, I believe, is to pursue your interests in high school and not get into an extracurricular frenzy of activities that you have no vested interest in.
 
Thanks for that reply. I pursue guitar, and I'm hoping to find some way to expand on that. Honestly, the only thing in school that I actually enjoy is Language Arts, because I think that class actually has meaning. In math I learn about numbers. History I memorize shit out of a book. I feel english has a direction to it, being able to pull apart literature and use the messages woven within to learn life's messages. Writing is wonderful, it's free expression and it often makes me feel better. You have no idea how felt it good to write all of that up there. I feel now that the country is freaking about us not doing good in math and science, English will be dumbed down.

My dad is very discouraging with writing. My brother wants to be a writer and my dad told him that he shouldn't because he wouldn't be making money out of college (I don't really remember if I wrote that up there). I at one point wanted to be a cook but my dad also discouraged that because of all the drugs cooks get introduced to. geez >.> I really want to actually go after being a therapist or psychologist or something like that. That's one reason I spend my time on here. Too bad this can't really go on a college resume... Oh well. I only get good grades to keep my parents happy. I'm not so worked up about college as I know they'll try to make me be in a year.
 
I highly recommend pursuing your interest in language/humanities. I was pressured into the sciences in my freshman year of college, my sister has a PhD in bio., you know what that's like I imagine. And I enjoyed it some aspects of it, but once I started the hardcore upper div. chem and bio classes I realized that this was not my strong suit. So I thought about my natural abilities, and realized that I was much better suited towards the humanities specifically an English major. I've been an english major for awhile, and I feel so much more comfortable in college than I ever did before. While, it is true that as an English major, there are not a whole lot of lucrative gigs, but I feel my prospects are much brighter than as a unenthusiastic scientist.

What helped me get into college was my interest in film. I made several student films in HS with a program at my school. I wrote about that passion, including the extracurriculars that went with it, and I got into a school that should have totally been a reach. While, I didn't stick with a film studies degree, applying as one really helped me get in. That's one great thing about college, is that you can experiment in so many different fields. I started as Film Studies, changed to Animal Science, now Im an english major (which has some similarities with my initial interest, film studies).

I think the fact that you're a mod in the TDS at 15 years old, shows a certain emotional maturity which would help you as a humanities major in college.
 
I'm not quite certain what the hell a plentiful amount of individuals are lacking in terms of their ability to understand human emotions, but just because an individual may act very distressed at a given time does not make them incompetent all the time. From what I have gathered, anxiety and discontentment are rather intrinsic fucking human emotions. For someone to recommend a self-help book to me after associating with me once, seems like a tall order that they can shove right up their toosh.
 
I'm 95% positive that if I didn't run and didn't do drugs I'd have some kind of anger problem. I'm sort of just annoyed with a lot of things at the moment. I feel slighted. I don't like it.

I need to compete in something. I'm turning work into a competition and I'm mopping the floor with everyone, but I still have to fight to get hours. They try to give everyone equal hours, which in theory makes sense, but it severely takes away having seniority and it also removes the incentive to work harder. No one ever has to tell me to do anything because I'm always doing something because there's always something to do. I've been there 12 years now (started at 13), I never complain while at work (it's obvious no one likes when people there bitch about stupid shit), and I try not to complain even out of work, but I'm fucking annoyed now.

I can't figure some of the people there out. Ever since I was little I've tried to be as observant as possible and people there are not observant and not paying attention. I try to be aware of what everyone is doing near me and what's going on, meanwhile most of the people seem to be focusing on themselves. It's like they're walking around with their eyes closed all the time. Shit gets annoying.


I need a more challenging job. It least to be at least somewhat physically tiring, but since I've been getting in pretty awesome shape it's not even physically difficult.

I need someone to work out with or something. I want someone I can run and lift with, but someone that's on my level or close to it. The only people I know that do lift do it like it's their job and are doing a lot more weight, but they never run or don't really do more than a mile or two. The people I know that actually run are super skinny and never lift, so I'm doing a lot more weight than them. I want to spar with someone. Right now though. I've never been in a fight, but that sounds pretty awesome right now, even if I took a shot or two. I don't like fighting though, so it would have to be for a good reason, like fighting a nazi. I hate nazi's.
 
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Apparently I'm a weak and pathetic failure... This be according to people who are actually very nice, so it must be true.

Apparently getting high is failing. Although I failed at that, 'cause it wouldn't even work. Then I took something else to have some effect, and was told that now I'd failed twice.

If I'm such a failure, then doesn't that mean that I'm too weak and pathetic and failing to change that, anyway? If it was possible to just magically stop and be normal, if I could just magically grant myself the ability to deal with life and reality and feelings and everything else I hate, why didn't I do that before I started getting high? If there was some better way to make myself feel better, surely I'd have found it by now?
The reason I'm still like this is because there is no other way. Obviously. So I can either stop getting high and let life kill me, or keep doing it and let drugs kill me. I guess it's kind of a lose-lose situation.
If I'm gonna lose and fail and be unsuccessful in life anyway, shouldn't I at least enjoy doing it?

I think I just talked myself out of trying to give up getting high. -_- That wasn't really my aim.

In a perfect world, I'd just stop getting high and be normal and happy. But if I lived in a perfect world, I wouldn't have started in the first place. Why else would I have started doing this if I didn't need to do something? And why would I have kept doing it and going back to it if this wasn't the best option out of everything?

I completely forget now why I'd wanted to stop in the first place, apart from being told I'm a weak, pathetic failure and a nothing, nobody, worthless loser if I don't stop. And feeling bad for letting down all the people who want me to stop. And fear of what would happen if I was found out, and the guilt I'd feel if my cousins ever knew, or better yet, found my drugs and took them or asked me what that was or why I had so many pills, or saw me high and asked why I wasn't making any sense and looked dizzy and tired and why my eyes were red. Or if my cousins somehow saw me taking pills and thought that if I was doing it, it must be cool, so they copied me and got high and ended up with drug habits for the rest of their lives all because of me. Or if they overdosed and died instead. That can't happen. I'd die with guilt.
Or even if anyone at school found out. I know I'd probably be accepted into the groups of high-people, but the people who are kinda my friends now and who I like talking to would think I was awful, and they'd never talk to me again. They think smoking cigarettes is awful, and they think it's disgusting and unimaginable that anyone underage would do that at school, so what would they think of me? They'd hate me and never come near me.

So I guess my motivations for stopping are:
1. What if I was found out
2. My cousins
3. I'll do a lot better on my exams if I'm not high
4. Eminem did it, so I can too
5. I got myself into this, so it's my responsibility to get myself out of it
6. I can still be happy when I'm not high. It happened at least once.
7. I have to if I wanna grow up, or get a job, or have kids, or remember anything
8. All hell may break loose if I continue
9. The possible brain damage probably isn't worth it (I keep flashing out of reality, and forgetting things I'd known)
10. The possible physical damage isn't worth it either

Now all I have to do is keep that motivation in mind forever. But I know that's not going to happen.
 
badfish45 said:
Haven't been on here in a while, but it is so time for a rant.
What the hell is up with life for a teenager? Why do parents and teachers insist on ruining our youth with work and pressures to do good in school, like when I'm at the end of my life I'm gonna be like "Fuck, I sure am glad I wasted my youth on school to waste my life working to realize I did absolutely nothing worth my time".
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Hey Badfish: on a bright point your superb rant made me piss my self with laughter as I read it and realised how MUCH we all have in common (rather than the opposite which is commonly assumed to be the case). I'm a bit older than you and have lived something of a non-conventional life since busting out of the family home at 18 which has meant periodic stays back at home.

Shit like the "we eat together as a family" carries on for a while so just learn to laugh it off mate: Mum's likely enforcing that one because she feels the family slipping away from her so cut her slack on that one.

Everything else - grades, school, good job etc - being hammered into you by your folks is most likely a result of their own failures, wishing they could have their time again and trying to live their lives through you. All highly irritating but you seem really bright and caring so I'll give you my final 2c on that: they're most likely doing it because the idea of admiting they've fucked their lives up is simply anathema to them: it is just plain impossible and so the only other way they can communicate what they've learned - without admitting any weakness to you - is through the exact ways and means that you told us about in your thread.

Don't worry about it mate: let it slide and always remember when somebody like your mom or dad is driving you nuts that at least they give a shit enough to lose it over you. Although it would obviously be ideal if they just talked shit out with you, that aint gonna happen; so you either accept shit how it is and try to understand the message behind the shit - which I'm pretty certain is a loving and caring one - or try to imagine how awful it would be if they never challenged you whatsoever and let you do anything you liked.....

Trust me, there's SO much time left for YOU to do exactly what you wish with your life. Take care and pm anytime if you want. David.
 
Oh my god I hate this town.

My pain is at 20 out of 10! Been crying for fucking hours in agony. Trying to get a smoke to help and no fucker is answering my texts even though my mum, yup my mum will take my associates to get it and I'm willing to sort them out some for sorting me out. Can I get a response, no!

Yet if I wanted to get myself an ounce of coke (hypothetically obv) I could have it dropped off in 20 minutes no problem.


This town is so fucking ass backwards it is untrue!!! Wish e police would piss off raiding the small time pot growers and go ankle the real scumbags with have that live here.

Rant over!

But I'm still hurting so bad and my dr can't get out to see me today. I hate morphine it is one of the most uselss drugs I have been prescribed for pain relief ever!!!!!
 
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I'm reading this book we were supposed to read in a sociology class, but I ended up having to drop out of classes for the semester. I was renting the book and it's due back soon, but I figured I should read it since I had rented it. It's called Half the Sky and so far it's been about the treatment of women as property in various countries. It's a non-fiction book and it's telling stories of things that happened to various women within the last few years and things that are going on today.

It is easily the hardest book I've ever read. Not in vocabulary or the meaning of the text, but in the fact that it's true stories of the most disturbing and fucked up shit I've ever read. It's basically taking the worst things you can do to people and then hearing the real life stories of it happening to poor women in various areas of the world. If you're curious about examples you should read the book, but without going into details it's been stuff like mass rape, slave trade [human trafficking], throwing acid on people, piercing women's insides by stabbing them or shooting them in the vagina....All kinds of stuff that you'd like to think doesn't happen all that much, but is part of another society.

It's slavery. It's cruel. It's been hard to read more than a chapter or two at once. I'm having a very hard time reading it without either feeling angry, upset, or sad. It's hard knowing that people are suffering in such a way in parts of the world.
 
I once read a book about an African girl kidnapped from her tribe by some Arabian men, sold onto to a family in London as a slave, but Jesus Christ. Sounds similar. They performed a female castration on her with no anaesthesia for her "purity" and it was about how she eventually was freed after years of abuse and torture at the hands of this family.

It sickened me and made me sad about the world. And I cannot for the life of me think of it's name. I will find out some point soon. Purely because you mentioned it.

What the hell goes on in these people's minds? It is scary.
 
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I am covered in mosquito bites. It is miserable.

Edit - I just bought the book Half the Sky on my kindle after reading your post, Carl Landrover. I hate these kind of injustices, it makes me so sad. I feel like it's important for me to read this. I wish there was more I could do.
 
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@Footscrazy and Carl--I read that book and it is hard not to feel very discouraged and depressed about humanity. But the courage of the women is ultimately uplifting and I think it is important to know that this is going on right now all over the world.That was a book that I have passed on to many friends--people do need to be informed.
 
I'll give my hand at a vent. I'm 19 approaching 20, slacking on my course due to lack of capability to handle general goings on with the strange mind that I possess. I feel detached from the world at large and generally am, sleeping strange hours and going long periods without communication. My moods vary to such opposite ends of the spectrum of happiness/excitement to depressed and on one or two occasions suicidal which I feel ashamed to say as I should never contemplate it or have reason to (was heavily drugged at the time though and was in not in my right mind) but do get down a lot which distracts me and doesn't let me accomplish what I want (or convince myself that I want). I'm simply just unmotivated and lazy at times, and that is no ones fault but my own and I can't blame anything apart from myself for my shortcomings because I know what i can do, I just won't let myself at times. I need to pick up some hobbies once again, @Carl, I feel that sort of exercise would do me good and I want to start boxing as an outlet, just need to get into shape again. It would do me a world of good to have something to enjoy and take my frustration out on. I start working out and running etc, but soon lose rhythm and give up, and never see any positive results as a result of that. I haven't felt healthy in a fair while and that was weighing on my mind, but its seemingly sorting itself out slowly I hope. I often feel angry for letting my "problems" get the better of me, seeing as so many have it worse off than me, but at the same time my mind IS so erratic and I have some fucked up senses morality, compassion etc, I don't feel like a good person at times, there's something wired wrong up there anyway.
Having had a full time job in the past makes me draw parallels with how I feel now during my studies. Although I wasnt earning any spectacular money, basically minimum wage at the time, but you have to start somewhere and I was sort of happy in the routine and looking back often think I would have liked the opportunity to stay with the company any just rise up the ranks of seniority when the chances came with experience, as I was more than competent. Despite sometimes wondering if what I'm doing now is right, Ill make the best of it if I can and come out the other end with hopefully good experiences and results, no sense in giving up now although I think of it in lower times. I have a good opportunity and doesnt make sense to fuck it up. A number of health/mental issues despite not being huge have meant that the years of drug use werent the best of choices and probably have done me no good, to both body and mind, but no point in dwelling on how I've already fucked up, just may as well plan on how not to fuck up in the future. Again though at times I feel like I have nothing to worry about and can function perfectly well and am happy with what i doing/where I am, just need to find a way of keeping it like that for longer periods of time.
Now I guess I should get back to this bit of work thats due yesterday, gotta at least try and get it done today.
 
I am so fucking angry, upset and full of other chaotic shit that I dont even understand atm. I dont even want to write this but I need to get something out.
I hate everything and love everything and its driving me nuts that I cant sort this out as I am stuck in this cycle of shame, self loathing and confusion. I hate being wrapped up in this shit. I have stuff to do and cannot do it- I have no drive atm NONE!! I am sad and cannot deal with it unless I am alone and it is sabotaging other aspects of my life. All I feel capable of doing atm is sleeping- even though it is a cop out. Am feeling too confused and unsure to do anything else. I despise myself right now, I know its self absorbed and self indulgent but its difficult not to.
Welcome sleep.
 
Asclepius said:
I am so fucking angry, upset and full of other chaotic shit that I dont even understand atm. I dont even want to write this but I need to get something out.
I hate everything and love everything and its driving me nuts that I cant sort this out as I am stuck in this cycle of shame, self loathing and confusion. I hate being wrapped up in this shit. I have stuff to do and cannot do it- I have no drive atm NONE!! I am sad and cannot deal with it unless I am alone and it is sabotaging other aspects of my life. All I feel capable of doing atm is sleeping- even though it is a cop out. Am feeling too confused and unsure to do anything else. I despise myself right now, I know its self absorbed and self indulgent but its difficult not to.
Welcome sleep.
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Hugs in your sleep and an extra blanket<3
 
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