Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Ah insomnia fucking blows I've always had it my whole life since abusing methamphets (even though I've been off it over a decade) and other issues like being on sub now after a couple years on pods.

For the last 3 weeks in a row I have been sleeping one night, awake the next, sleeping next night, awake the next. I did this on purpose to "control" my sleep and have adjusted work to it too now. I work the night after the night I sleep, then the morning after the night I dont sleep. Then I go to be early that night, sleep for 12-14 hours, am awake another 36 hours etc. Over and over and over the whole time I've been on opiates Ive actually had this issue of adjusting to "short" 24 hour days. Has always driven me crazy its easier to both sleep longer and stay awake longer on opiates for me.
 
Fuck everything - everyone. Every damn day. Can it be possible that each day continues to be worse and worse?! Will I always ruin the best (singularly good things) thngs in my life? If so, and I think this is true, I am destined to be unhappy/alone. I hate myself for what I've done. For losing you... choosing drugs, my eating disorder (past....right? right...?!), my habits, my borderline ocd...over you. How could I be so fucking stupid.

(Why? Because you're so fucking stupid to see that you're choosing the life path that is a constant struggle to stay alive over the best path - where you don't give a shit about the highs and lows in life because you are desperately in love with someone. AND you love yourself. I can't imagine...)
 
For the last 3 weeks in a row I have been sleeping one night, awake the next, sleeping next night, awake the next. I did this on purpose to "control" my sleep and have adjusted work to it too now. I work the night after the night I sleep, then the morning after the night I dont sleep. Then I go to be early that night, sleep for 12-14 hours, am awake another 36 hours etc. Over and over and over the whole time I've been on opiates Ive actually had this issue of adjusting to "short" 24 hour days. Has always driven me crazy its easier to both sleep longer and stay awake longer on opiates for me.

Yeah, that sounds incredibly familiar. I did have the problem before I'd ever done opiates but they seemed to worsten it for sure. Also I'm pretty sure the SSRIs I'm on are contributing to it.
 
I think its fucked up that anyone who wants to can see my mugshot just by typing my name into google. I have a unique name so its obviously me and this isn't helping me feel any better about all the shit i've been dealing with. i'm trying to put the past behind me but I get so paranoid thinking about anyone looking up my name and seeing that shit! I have bad anxiety so that doesn't help. and of course I got arrested in Florida, which I think is the only state that does that. I'm glad you guys enjoy publicly humiliating a 20 year old girl.
 
love it when my psychologist tells me "oh yeah we'll just have your mom come in and ask her if she could help divert your dads attention from you when he begins to yell at you"

so we call my mom in the room (this is the first time ive EVER had her in the room while im talking to my therapist, normally i never even say a fucking word around my parents because im so...just scared i guess.

so she comes in, and (without even asking my permission prior) asks my mom if she thinks my dads into drug use. because 10 minutes prior i had been telling my psych all about how he smokes and gets drunk and tries to start shit with me and he does opiates. anyways he brings that up and my mom flips a bitch and im just sitting there crying.

isnt therapy supposed to help? not make shit fucking worse?!?!?! im stressed the fuck out so my acnes getting 9x worse, which leads to MORE anxiety at school, which leads to MORE emotional eating. i have to fucking work out every day and smoke cigs now cause im so scared of my emotional eating getting any worse. its fucking one thing after another.

ONLY thing keeping me going at this point is i get to do MDMA (am i even allowed to mention drugs?) in 2 weeks with 3 of my closest friends and another guy. the stuff has helped me so much, it makes me feel like i have a purpose in life (and the afterglow sticks with me for like 3 months) if i hadnt found MDMA last october i probably would have killed myself by now.
 
ruined weeks of barely eating with 2 pieces of pizza.
thinking too much.
need boyfriend.
need drugs.
need a snuggle
and for everything to be alright.
 
I dont think you ruined weeks of barely eating with two pieces of pizza. But if it feels that way to you, why not stick with weeks of moderation on all fronts. Allow yourself a piece of pizza. Unhealthy food can be incorporated into a healthy lifestyle, just keep it to a minimum and relax.


and bojangles, when i was on opiates i would follow that same sleep pattern. Sometimes i would even throw in a second night awake. Kind of messed me up, but Ive always had sleep problems.
 
I dont think you ruined weeks of barely eating with two pieces of pizza. But if it feels that way to you, why not stick with weeks of moderation on all fronts. Allow yourself a piece of pizza. Unhealthy food can be incorporated into a healthy lifestyle, just keep it to a minimum and relax.

because I just lapsed back into anorexia.
 
Fyasko - your therapist sounds pretty shit, imo. She should have discussed everything she was going to talk about with you prior to the session, including how she would answer tricky questions (for example if your mum had asked her directly 'do you drugs?' or some equally uncomfortable question, your psycho should have discussed with how you you wanted to answer). Perhaps finding a better one could help?

One of mine also insisted on a 'family' session which I was hugely against and I don't think it was helpful at all, but at least I like my psycho and we discussed how it'd go in the beginning.

Ceramic Cat - I have never had an eating disorder as such, but I have felt that horrible guilty feeling after I've eaten something junky, and I just wish I could go back in time so my tummy felt empty again. I hope you feel better soon <3
 
I can't stand it. im sick of everything. im sick of annoying people with my problems, im sick of complaining, im sick of being alone, im sick of my parents, im sick of fucking school, I'm sick of people and im sick of being hurt, and above all im sick of being treated unimportant, and i can't help but think that things won't change because they haven't. i know im only 15 but shit. I can't take it. I've already scared off one of my friends by complaining to them about how miserable I am, I can't wait to see who I lose next. This emotion has been building up over the years and I've finally broke it, I get depressed daily now. When I need somebody most, everybody turns their back on me. I've never had anyone to love, and it's hard to go through what I do alone. I hate my thoughts, feelings, and I can't stand the fact that I'm so self loathing but I can't help it for some reason. Please if anybody wants to talk to me, right now it would mean the world to me :( Just inbox me your MSN
 
Badfish I'd LOVE to talk to you. Problem is I've installed MSN on my computer 100 times and it never works (think it has to do with satellite internet could be wrong). Do you happen to have aim by any chance?

I see you in here a lot and trust me you are NOT, in no way shape or form, "annoying" people with your problems. I really just think that you need someone to talk to that cares. I'd love to have a little chat with you. If you have aim please let me know, otherwise I'm going to see if MSN as any type of "instant" chat features where I can try loggin in w/out installing it. Please let me know you do not need to be doing this to yourself and I really want to know whats going on more specifically with your life.

Shit feel free to write another vent post even, its not bothering anyone and people are definitely paying attention, trust me. Have been reading every single one of your posts.
 
Bojangles try Yahoo and if it doesnt work tell me and ill get AIM. Thanks by the way you have no idea how much this means to me. I wont be on untill later tonight though.
 
Badfish, you are never annoying. Feeling the way you do is overwhelming so it makes sense that you feel like that is all there is right now. I would chat with you outside of here but I'm old and can't figure out how to download anything and when I do figure it out I end up never going on it. (One of my son's friends got me on Facebook so that I could go to his Facebook memorial page and now I forget to check mine and I think I have posted on it twice.)
I do always read your posts here, though, and am so glad that you always put yourself out there. That's what Bluelight is here for and you are among friends here. As far as losing the friends outside of here goes, here's something that has helped me. I have had a pretty rough life and so I can be pretty needy in my friendships (needing support, reassurance, love, and lots of time). That only gets hard to take to your friends when they don't feel like they get it back. So, just make sure that you realize (even if they don't show it) that they probably need as much from you as you do from them and try to give it without them having to ask.
You asked me to be your friend on here and you don't know how that one little gesture poked a great big hole in my own curtain of pain. You have a lot to give. People care about you, but people (at least this person!) also benefit from the care you give. <3<3<3
 
I'm tired of working with these bastards that refuse to recognize my chronic back pain... I'd like to whack this bitch in the spine with a fucking bat and send her ass 40 miles down the crazy-motherfucker-filled Atlanta highways in a loaded down truck to replace a whole house of windows... :X
I like my little behind-a-desk part of the gig just fine, but I don't get paid enough to fuck my back up even worse...
Gotta pay the rent somehow, I guess.
 
I think its fucked up that anyone who wants to can see my mugshot just by typing my name into google. I have a unique name so its obviously me and this isn't helping me feel any better about all the shit i've been dealing with. i'm trying to put the past behind me but I get so paranoid thinking about anyone looking up my name and seeing that shit! I have bad anxiety so that doesn't help. and of course I got arrested in Florida, which I think is the only state that does that. I'm glad you guys enjoy publicly humiliating a 20 year old girl.

This sounds terrible hun! There are assholes who will try to put us down, their everywhere but just remember not everyone is like this. Sorry your going through this crap atm It will pass and hopefully you wont have to suffer those kind of idiots again in your life. <3


because I just lapsed back into anorexia.

Just incase you dont know already hun, there is a Support Thread on here for people with Eating Disorders:ED Link
It may be of some help to you. <3
 
i am not permitted to use my money for anything except mmj, all i have to show for it, the thousands is a pretty nice cup. no joking

i need to spend my money on food clothes and a few necessary things that i use and need that will last.


i am very fucking angry and want to tare this hose down.

~

its the only cup i have!
i dont have any silverware or plates or cooking ware, because its all trashed because my dishwasher has been busted since February!!!!!

and if you fucking think i could have more to complain about...your fucked
 
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Goddamn INSOMNIA, how I hate thee! I think I've had < 10 hours sleep since last Saturday (over 5 nights) and haven't had any stimulants in that time stronger than a coffee. Starting to really lose it during the days but I can't seem to get more than an hour or two of sleep at night before waking up again, my brain going into overdrive, and being completely unable to return to slumber.
 
I can't stand it. im sick of everything. im sick of annoying people with my problems, im sick of complaining, im sick of being alone, im sick of my parents, im sick of fucking school, I'm sick of people and im sick of being hurt, and above all im sick of being treated unimportant, and i can't help but think that things won't change because they haven't. i know im only 15 but shit. I can't take it. I've already scared off one of my friends by complaining to them about how miserable I am, I can't wait to see who I lose next. This emotion has been building up over the years and I've finally broke it, I get depressed daily now. When I need somebody most, everybody turns their back on me. I've never had anyone to love, and it's hard to go through what I do alone. I hate my thoughts, feelings, and I can't stand the fact that I'm so self loathing but I can't help it for some reason. Please if anybody wants to talk to me, right now it would mean the world to me :( Just inbox me your MSN

hey man i know where your coming from.
just know that you're young, (im 17 so im a young'n too haha8) ) and it will get better. school sucks, people suck, everything just generally sucks at that age imo haha. i've scared off a few of my friends after i told em all the shit i've been through, and when they turned their back on me it just showed me what shallow people they were. i was glad i saw that part of them, because no one needs people like that in their life. just no that you're better than that "friend" who you "scared off"

i dont use MSN but i could chat with you over facebook if thats cool,
- Dylan :)
 
Uh hello, was THIS is a serious question?

You actually expect us to believe for a second that this guy doesn't know he needs to get a fucking job? He is UNEMPLOYEED. What else does she really need to do fly a helicopter over his house with a "get a job" sign? He obviously knows better than PT knows that he needs to get a job. And its not even her responsibility to tell a grown man depressed or not to get up and get a fucking job. Not like their gonna date for 40 years w/out him working and one day PT's gonna say "hey you know it would be really nice if you'd get a job now?"

My response was about him not knowing how PT felt, not about him being unaware of his current situation. You need to take it down a notch dude.

I didn't mean to cause so many people to get so pissy when I said "depressed", I don't know the appropriate adjective you want me to use for feeling unmotivated, unfocused, and lazy.8) *Inserts annoyed passive aggressive comment*
 
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