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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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^^ Pretty good reason to stick around!

My rant for the day, I received a gas bill yesterday, apparently issued on 26/03/09, due 09/04/09, along with a disconnection notice. WTF? What's the use of getting a bill a month AFTER it is due? I paid it yesterday but can now apparently look forward to my next bill including a "late payment fee"..... if I ever get it! Now I'm worried I have some unpaid and unreceived electricity bill (same provider as gas) floating about out in the mail system and my electricity will be cut off at any time through no fault of my own, and I'll get a default listed on my credit report for a bill I never recieved.

Oh three buses failed to show up this morning so I was 20 minutes late for work :(

I'm hungover, craving more alcohol, and grumpy :(
 
I just ruin good things in my life.

I'm tired of the same struggles and the same failures.


I don't feel optimistic about the future. Sometimes I feel it would be better if everything just ended. Then at least people could say it was sad and disappointing I left, I had potential.

It might be better than continuing to live. Won't have to live through the constant disappointment and failure that is my life.
 
Double post!

I'm just very annoyed at the moment.

I'm not digging life sober

and

I'm not digging the 'high' life


I'm kind of sad/depressed/annoyed all the time. I think I've always had points where I could either clean up for a few days and feel better or use for a few days and feel better, but nothings working lately.


Sober life was easier though, since all that negative drug shit disappeared. I was only away from H for 9 days, so it wasn't that long, but things didn't feel like they were getting that much better.

I think I expect things to go from bad to good quickly, and it just doesn't work like that. Soon to finish off the last of Relapse #274
 
How much more stupid can people get? Seriously, more and more stupid people keep coming, what few intelligent people are still around have mostly fled, and there's no sign of reversing current trends.

Good news: UCB has stopped harrassing me.
 
So I am about to have the worst morning of my life....

Two AM comes around and all of a sudden I decide, I REALLY want a glazed donut. Half hour goes by and I'm still thinking, I really want a glazed donut, this is a bad craving. But no, I cannot have a glazed donut because that's a disgusting amount of fat and calories and horrible for me and going to make me ill.

Then I remember I have lactose pills here and so I decide, fuck it, I finished finals today, I will allow myself a glazed donut.

So I drive to 7-Eleven. And I smash my fucking front tire into the curb because I'm stupid and absent-minded and COMPLETELY destroy the tire so there is NO TIRE anymore, I have a rim and some deflated rubber...

I have no free calls or whatever on my insurance left so I decide to drive home (its not very far).Bad idea, but I make it back. Now my car is sitting out font my parents house. In the morning my mother will walk by the car when she does her morning walk and ask me what the fuck were you doing leaving at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday, did you get wasted and drive back from a bar or did you decide to go get drugs and got high and drove back? And I have to tell my mother, no mom, youre anorexic-vegan-lactose-intolerant daughter decided to go buy donuts at 2:30 in the morning and smashed her tire into the curb for absolutely no reason sober (kind of of).

My mother has never seen me eat a donut in my life (the last time I remember having one was about 13 years ago) and she is never going to believe me. I wouldn't with my past history (I used to buy drugs when my parents were sleeping when I was on watch). And even if I do convince her by showing her the empty bag, I'm going to have to explain why her collection of pastries did not compare to glazed donuts at 7-Eleven, and honestly I would rather she thought I was going to buy heroin.

Not mention my father will never let me live this down, this is going to be the most humiliating morning ever, I want to crawl under the bed and die. But I can't even think of anything I could be buying at 2:30 in the morning, cigarettes are going to get me yelled at, we have food in the house, everything I could need in the house... donuts and drugs is all I can really come up with to be buying at 2:30 in the moring apparently!

Not to mention this was the MOST expensive donut of my life...
 
^Oh man- Mia That sucks!

My rant.........
This morning I was waking round trying to straighten up my house-thinking about how much pain I was in- So then it got my mind racing………
I always think/talk about how humility is important-How honesty is important……..
I have considered myself humble and honest……..
But I guess I haven’t been-
I don’t talk about how much pain I am in.
I can’t admit when I am depressed.
I always want to be strong…..in my famiy I am considered the strong one……
When my grandmother died-I had to be the one to sit with her , waiting for the funeral people to come take her-
When my brother got caught stealing, I was the one who had to go to the store to talk with the police for my mother.
When my mother and brother had parties- I was the one who had to be there to babysit.
And there are a half a million little (and big) things like this, where I had to be strong and composed …..
So no wonder I feel like I have to hide my weakness…..
I don’t want anyone to think I am someone who complains all the time-
I really don’t care for the pity-me mentality.
For years now I have done things I really can’t- my husband always has gotten onto me-telling me not to try to lift things when he knows I have back pain…..
But I do it anyway- I don’t want him to think I am weak.
Now here I am – bitten in the ass by karma.
I am in so much pain –I can’t hold back anymore.
Yesterday I couldn’t even walk across the house- I started crawling.
Who does that? Why couldn’t I just say-I can’t do this?????
I am not being honest with my self and I am not being honest with others by hiding my sadness and my weaknesses.
I have been working on it some (admitting some here on TDS when I feel down) but today it really struck me……
This is not humble-this is not honest.
This is me, lying, pretending I am something stronger than myself…….
This is pride. I hate when people are too full of pride….
I am a hypocrite.
 
I relapsed last week on dope after a whole year clean because of suboxone. I am very ashamed of myself but I do know that I'm not going back to that life, always needing to go to the city, worrying about money, wondering if this time will be the last time I shoot up etc... I just can't do that to myself again, and when I relapsed I was doing very large amounts of dope. I'm talking about ~5 bags at a time in one shot of very potent stuff. That was just to feel a small rush. I was going through a bundle in about 2 hours... God I feel like I seriously messed up. I just hope I can stay clean, and I'm pretty sure I can since I'm back to taking my suboxone at very low dosages however, I really want to get off the stuff.

-dp
 
belarki said:
^^ Pretty good reason to stick around!

My rant for the day, I received a gas bill yesterday, apparently issued on 26/03/09, due 09/04/09, along with a disconnection notice. WTF? What's the use of getting a bill a month AFTER it is due? I paid it yesterday but can now apparently look forward to my next bill including a "late payment fee"..... if I ever get it! Now I'm worried I have some unpaid and unreceived electricity bill (same provider as gas) floating about out in the mail system and my electricity will be cut off at any time through no fault of my own, and I'll get a default listed on my credit report for a bill I never recieved.

Oh three buses failed to show up this morning so I was 20 minutes late for work :(

I'm hungover, craving more alcohol, and grumpy :(
Click to expand...

They don't report to the credit agencies unless you are VERY late, and even then I doubt if. If you default they will report it, maybe. I think. Double check this, but I do not think you have anything to worry about.
 
Neither of my parents believe me, they think I'm on drugs again and are treating me like I'm a teenager. I'm not going to stay here if this doesnt change.

And who the fuck knew there were so many drug enablers on BL...
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Neither of my parents believe me, they think I'm on drugs again and are treating me like I'm a teenager. I'm not going to stay here if this doesnt change.

And who the fuck knew there were so many drug enablers on BL...
Click to expand...

I know i dont know you really well,im still pretty much a noob here!
Ive just read your last two posts,what bad luck!
I am literally addicted to chocolate or sweet stuff of any kind! I dont have a car :( so everyday i go to the shop and buy loads of munchies which i wont touch, until the middle of the night when im in bed! I practically sleepwalk downstairs and stuff handfulls of chocolate/cookies,anything sweet. I wake up with the craving but i cant just ignore it and go to sleep. Wish i could,its doing nothing for my already ample figure!
If i did have a car i know for a fact i wouldn've done what you have. May seem silly to some,but hey its legal ;)
Did you tell your parents the truth that you went for a doughnut? I wouldn't lie to them because that would be like admiting you've done something wrong. I know its hard for our parents to trust us again as they love us so much but always think the worst which is not always the truth!
On a bit of a side note,i get on with my dad so much better since i moved out. You wouldn't believe the difference. I know its not easy to get your own place but its worth the wait plus if you do have a little 'slip up' they're less likely to find out and stress over it.
Hope things are ok :) x :)
 
Hey Respectable, Couldn't PM you back since I am still Green, or new. Wanted to say thanks for welcoming me and for the reassurance on the long post. After reading your most recent post, it is quite obvious that we have much in common. I am a major chocoholic and will eat anything (within reason) if it is covered in chocolate, ha, ha. I am also a major junk food junkie among other things. Thankfully I must have a hoppin metabolism since it hasn't really caused me to gain much weight. I am sure the older I get, the harder it will be to get away with that.

Hey DP, I know we have not posted together yet but I just read your post about being back on Subs, I am reading a really good book called "The Addict" by Michael Stein. He is a Sub Doc and he writes about his various patients and their relapses and personalities. He kind of gives you an overview of each patient and a little about what brought them to him. So far it is a page turner and really informational. Check it out if you get a chance. Anyway, nice to meet you both and look forward to posting with you guys in the future.
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Neither of my parents believe me, they think I'm on drugs again and are treating me like I'm a teenager. I'm not going to stay here if this doesnt change.

And who the fuck knew there were so many drug enablers on BL...
Click to expand...

Keep your receipt for the donut next time :) Also take a photograph with your camera to show them.
 
Fjones said:
Keep your receipt for the donut next time :) Also take a photograph with your camera to show them.
Click to expand...

Oh I did.They think I went out to buy heroin and picked up the donuts so that I could say that was what I was doing.

And apparently meth comedown looks a lot like being doped up? :\

Love the hypocrisy in this house with the alcoholism and pill dependency floating around. But they're gone for the weekend so at least I don't have to be scrutinized for a couple days.
 
Mixed messages.

It is simply impossible for me to understand how in the same conversation, a person can praise me for becoming a better and more responsible person with a great future, and then bring up that they must make their provisional plans in case I don't live up to my end of a "bargain" that I don't even really buy?

I fucking hate mixed messages. They give me no incentive to be successful for myself or to believe that people are all basically good and just even when life isn't fair.
 
^It is much easier said than done- but try not to look to others for incentive to be successful for yourself.
Be successful for yourself.

You already know this but thought you might need a reminder. :)

I too hate mixed messages:)
annoying.

Hope things are going better for you Mia.
 
That neighbor dog is finally not coming around every day... now it's just every few days. If I glare at him through the glass he slinks off pretty immediately. It still makes me feel bad though because he just wants some attention. :(
 
Carl Landrover said:
Sober life was easier though, since all that negative drug shit disappeared. I was only away from H for 9 days, so it wasn't that long, but things didn't feel like they were getting that much better.
Click to expand...

That's the key there. You were only off opiates for 9 days. It takes months, if not longer, to adjust to sober life. After 9 days you're only just beginning to get into post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS).

Basically, you didn't give it anywhere near enough of a chance. :)
 
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