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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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im holdin my deuce deuce considerin blastin my self again, last time i bitched out and only shot myself in the leg and went to jail for it. I just hate fuckin crawlin over my woman everyday to grab my rig and blaaam some shit. Whenever im sick i try shooting myself with my deuce deuce but the last few times i just went to jail for it. i'd used to my sawd but last time i used that the guy couldnt used his leg and i like walking
 
Some days I just feel like...........
how much is a person to take?
I won't ge into all of it but i am pretty flippin' stressed out for million reasons-
and then today when maybe a part of it may ease off a bit- the appt had to e cancelled and now i get to add two more days of worry and stress........
and the day was filled with small things that just seem huge b/c i am stressed..........
i wish i could rant better than this but i think my hand would fall off if i actually typed all the things im thinking about.
this day sucks.
 
my work.... ugh!

I get this promotion but they can't have me start immidietly... I've been waiting on them a week to get my schedule... now they're telling me it's going to be another week... which means I'm probably not going to start for another two...

Fucking summer schedule is wack... these camps go and I HATE working at camps, but there's tons of hours. then a couple weeks of nothing... and everyone's trying to grab up all the hours they can because there's now a cutback...

So I'm going to have to start looking for another job. I have my private lessons but that's all I can really count on right now, and that's not enough $ for rent, my car, and this drug habit that's costing me thousands a month to support... fuck this. I don't want to have to go out there looking for another job, I know everyone else is doing the same thing, a lot worse off but I've been spoiled being able to count on this one.

Oh, and I stepped on a HUGE piece of glass today and sliced my toe open so now walking around is extremely painful...
 
ok, so i just got arrested for the first time. holy shit. i was in handcuffs and everything. it sucked so bad. i seriously hope that never happens again. i cried hysterically and they said if i didn't calm down they would send me to the hospital. I just needed to get this out. I am so fucked up over this.
it was such bullshit. i was parked in a parking lot and the cops pulled up and accused my friend and i of trespassing and made us get out of the car and did a search. they found shrooms and some weed and xanax, it was so horrible. i lost all of my drugs and i was arrested. this was officially one of the worst days of my life.
 
i cant believe we missed frankie bones this past march here, we had money to burn then to add some sting, and why is cevin key playing in tokyo twice and austin tx(7-10 @ lithium), but no where else?!?!?
 
Venting:

Lately, I don't answer my sister's phone calls because she's been on a run (coke, meth, opiates, benzos) for weeks now...and everytime she calls me it's because she "needs" something. Last time I let her into the apartment I'm at she stole my checkbook.

Anyway, she called me again tonight and for some reason I decided to pick up the phone...I dunno, I was in a good mood I guess. She proceeds to tell me that she wants to go to rehab and needs a ride; she can't drive her own car because she took too many benzos apparently.

Normally, I'd be happy to do this because normally when someone does this it's because they want help. Well, this will be her seventeenth go at rehab in the last 4 fucking months. She used up my parent's insurance a long time ago and they have been run to the ground financially because of this.

I fucking hate being used, and to top it all off I'm only a few months clean now myself. I've got way too much on the line (my own sanity, school, work) too risk it, yet, nothing makes me want to say "fuck it" more than having to deal with all this shit.

/end venting.
 
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wtf shes been to rehab 17 times in 4 months?

is this the same center? if it obviously isnt getting through to her, and what, several days a week at a time?

you need to find her somewhere that keeps their patients for a good 3 months inpatient, plus a while of out patient.

its too bad this whole situation, but thats a much better phone call then it could of been.

youll be in my thoughts...
 
^^thanks pip :)

yeah, she's been to the same rehab 15 times now and when she went back this afternoon they turned her down. Told her she should "try someplace else", so I ended up sucking it up and taking her to another rehab a little further away.

Most of her stays have only been 2-3 days at a time before she gets pissed of over something and leaves, but she's had a couple that lasted a few weeks. The problem is, she has to be in control; she'll walk into any rehab and start right away demanding how she wants to be treated and telling the nurses exactly what she expects :\ The one rehab she's been to 15 times was the one she always wanted to go to because she knew they had the easiest staff to manipulate. I was really happy to hear they turned her down this time, I can only hope it had some kind of effect on her.

Hopefully this time something changes, we'll see. She's definitely dug her bottom a little deeper this time, our whole family is losing faith and I think she's starting to see that. Hopefully it has some impact. I told her I'd be there for her when she shows a genuine desire to change, but until then I just can't afford to sacrifice my own mental health for hers...if I had some to spare I would but I just don't :(
 
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Went into work today... STILL NOT FUCKING SCHEDULE! HOW THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO NOT BECOME HOMELESS? Get your shit together and at least give me a ROUGH schedule and start time so I can fucking look for a 2nd job if that's what I have to do!

Ugh I am so pissed off. I have worked SO much overtime for these assholes and basically devoted 80% of my life this past year to this fucking gym and they continually screw me over.. they pay me decently but I was working 40+ hours (now none :p) a week and then cut it down to 40... and getting paid by the hour which pisses me off... and they'll fuck with my hours they don't have to pay me overtime... but I come in anyway cause I like my job and I need the money... and they wouldn't give me fucking health insurance, or were making it the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with...

I went in today to fill in for someone and there was some woman they hired for the camp this week, stupid bitch was SO fucking rude to me from the moment she shook my hand and just a HATED me for absolutely no reason, I was completely friendly and polite when we were introduced and I did not get that back. She was talking shit about me to one of my co-workers (my body and something about my bag or what I was wearing) while I was in EAR SHOT... at least try and be a little decent and not let me overhear when you're talking shit about me... for no reason!! Great day and evening, fucking awesome. :P
 
I want to communicate with people better, except for the last week or two, I feel like something is screwed up in me.

In the process of wanting to say something, thinking out what it is, and then transmitting the thoughts to my mouth for verbal communication, something is lost. It takes too much fucking effort.

I can't even talk to my girlfriend. I just say basic one word answers and listen to her.
 
I HATE pigs. Whenever, i hear on the news that one of them has been shot and killed, i feel no remorse whatsoever.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I want to communicate with people better, except for the last week or two, I feel like something is screwed up in me.

In the process of wanting to say something, thinking out what it is, and then transmitting the thoughts to my mouth for verbal communication, something is lost. It takes too much fucking effort.

I can't even talk to my girlfriend. I just say basic one word answers and listen to her.
Click to expand...

I've always had this problem too, but I know for a fact that opiates made it a lot worse (when I stopped). I think it just comes with all the anxiety and depression that follows acute withdrawal.

It has been getting better though with time, I can't deny that.
 
One small thing set me off today, I turned into a huge thing-
Which began my spiral into being a major psycho and royal bitch.
In my spiral of self-depreciation and self pity I had the thought of panic when I realized- I may be seeing my parents in 2 months- or more like 1 month to 1 1/2 months.........I have gained probably ten pounds in the last 2 months sitting around in pain-
My meds make me hungry.....(not to mention stress eating)....so I'm eating poorly and not getting any exercise really.......
On the days I feel like hiking or doing things, my husband is in too much pain- On days he feels like it, I'm in too much pain.....
So the last 2 months have been not so great.
IF I don't lose like 20 lbs in the next month I can see EXACTLY how my trip will play out.
My mother will cry that I am 'fat' - My father will tell my mother to tell me that I need to diet or I will continue to suffer healthwise.........
THEN they will tell me all about what I need to do......I already get this- when i had my miscarriage my mother was like 'see, you're not healthy enough to have children- you need to lose weight'
She gets on to me all the damn time about it-
I am afraid to see them.
I am going to stop.
I am getting extremely pissed off.
BTW- I am overweight but not to the point where this sort of treatment would be warranted. My mother is a size zero and expects everyone to be as well.
 
Floaters said:
I HATE pigs. Whenever, i hear on the news that one of them has been shot and killed, i feel no remorse whatsoever.
Click to expand...

^Ocean you are not overweight... I've seen pics of you! From you've told me about your mum she's got her own eating disorder issues... if she starts up with you tell her you don't want to discuss it and change the subject. If she keeps pushing it, tell her you WILL NOT talk about it with her and if she continues to bring it up you will leave the room. She has no right to be lecturing you about your weight and make uneducated, judgmental, and HURTFUL comments about your weight and lifestyle. She is your mum and deserves respect, but you are an independent adult and deserve the same back (and don't you dare take any drastic measures to lose 20 lbs in a month and a half! haha ;))

My rant...

I fucking HATE applying to jobs. I hate writing stupid cover letters, flipping my resume around, LOOKING for jobs... I hate the whole process. It makes me angry and hopeless. No one has a job and people get hired for the STUPIDEST reasons that have nothing to do with being qualified. I just need a temporary job until my hours go up again at work, but that's not helping me because everyone wants "long term" employees/nannys...

I'm about two steps away from just giving up and trying to work as an exotic dancer again because that shit was easy paid well and I got hired super quickly. I really don't want to do that again, but I can't keep being broke and these fucking hours I'm getting are so miniscule it's not doing shit. And I've already pretty much reverted to all desperate acts of making cash again, who fucking cares if I do another...

and floaters I really hope that you are using pigs as a slang term for something else, because pigs are extremely intelligent and caring animals who do not deserve to be killed for any reason.
 
He was referring to police, aus slang.
Some cops r egotistical assholes but man they're people too ya know
I ain't their biggestfans but they do good too
 
Mrs. Wallace,

Of course i was not refering to pigs as a species. I love animals and volunteer every weekend at the Humane Society. I'm sorry if I may have upset you.
 
claire22 said:
Some cops r egotistical assholes but man they're people too ya know
Click to expand...
I have a brother that is in federal law enforcement. The older he has gotten the more wise and compassionate he has become. Cops are humans, often doing the best they can by the lights they have, much like the rest of us. I appreciate Clair pointing out that they are people, they have spouses, kids, aspirations, and a good number of them seek to minimize bad effects and maximize good effects in doing their job.
 
I'm 15 full days clean now, today is hour one of day 16. Last time I used was 5/12 on a 3 day mini binge. Things are or should I say WERE going well.

The time before that use was a one night thing on April 30th, it was also the first and only night I ever smoked crack.

I was drug tested at the doctors the next day by my mom, but I denied letting her see the results. She told my stepdad and he sat me down and told me to let her see them. He told me to call today, but I didn't because I was at my girlfriends and didnt think it was a big deal.

Apparently it was and he's super pissed. My stepdad and I don't really have much in common and there's little to no communication. He's pretty strict and doesn't know shit about drugs.

Now I have to go to court tomorrow and he wants to go with me to the doctors and make me have the doctor let him see the results.

I'm 15 days clean now and moving forward! They're just pulling me backwards! :X :! :( And they're going to think I'm a fucking crack head too!

Everything was going so good...too good I guess. :( Can't wait for my parents to make me feel like a scumbag piece of shit for the next 6 months. 8)

-end-......(most likely of my happiness)


My girlfriend has been my saving grace. :) <3 I am fortunate enough to have her. :)
 
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