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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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I keep trolling this guy but he keeps calling me a chimp and making racist comments, and I'm not even black. Its kinda fun but frustrating at the same time since the insults are the same and I am throwing out quality insults at this loser. Oh well.
 
Thanks Ocean. <3

Its on IRC, so it doesn't matter. I kinda do deserve it for calling him out on some stuff that I probably wouldn't do in real life. I love this site, which is why I always try to be helpful as everyone else (most of you guys anyways :) ) On another note I've been super lazy and my day hasn't begun, its 8:22PM now. I am going to have to motivate myself.
 
Hello TDS. I usually complain about things in the Second Opinion "Pet peeves" thread but the moderators there have been cracking down on rants and unapproved such posts. SO, I'll post my rant here instead:

I HATE COPS.

I have never had a pleasant encounter with a police officer. I do not respect them and I do not respect their authority. They are a bunch of angry bitter thugs who carry guns and other weapons, bully people, and use force and the threat of force to exert their will against people. No cop has ever solved any crime that has affected me, nor has any cop ever been around to stop one from being committed.

I FUCKING HATE COPS.

Some guy at the bar got shitty with me last night because I was talking to a group of girls that he apparently thinks he owns. Despite not doing anything to anyone this guy got in my face and starting telling me to get away from him. Apparently one of the girls in the group is his girlfriend and he is one of those jealous asshole over-protective boyfriends. So, fuck this guy too. Who the hell is this guy to tell me where I can and cannot stand in a bar? Or who I can and cannot talk to? I am not a violent person and in fact I am a pacifist but this guy really pushed my buttons, so I invited him to come outside and "further discuss our differences," though not in those words of course.

Suddenly, without even asking me to leave, the bouncer and his buddy assault me and drag me out of the bar and throw me out. That's another thing I hate -

ASSHOLE BOUNCERS! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I didn't appreciate this shit so I told them exactly what I thought of them and their establishment. Eventually this drew the attention of the police, who came over to exercise their assholeness by telling me to leave before I get arrested. I kept repeating, "Arrested for what? I didn't do anything!!"

I don't see what right they have to tell me I cannot stand on that particular piece of sidewalk, as long as I am not hurting or threatening anyone, which I wasn't. Nevertheless, the cops continued to demand I leave, which I eventually complied with, but not before offering some parting words expressing what I thought of them and their handling of the situation.

Apparently, exercising your first amendment right to speak out against the government and its agents (in this case, the police) is an arrestable offense, so before I know what's happening, the officers gang rush me, throw me around a little bit and cuff me.

FUCKING ASSHOLES. Cowardly fucking pricks with guns and weapons and outnumbering people 4 or 5 to 1. I wonder how "brave" they'd be without their guns and numbers??

When I finally got to learn hat I was charged with, I discovered they are filing a bunch of trumped up charges, five in total, including assaulting a police officer! What the fuck !??????

WHY ARE THEY ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

And they wonder why people hate the cops????

People hate the cops because they're a bunch of fucking assholes!!!!!!!!!!!

/ RANT
 
i got out of the psych ward 2 months ago for a suicide attempt, got through the alcohol withdrawals successfully and everything seemed to be a little better in comparison to what they were before. i started getting desperately suicidal again and went back to the bottle and was put back in there for a week after another suicide attempt, this time hoping my breathing would slow down enough and i'd go blue but i was unsuccessful AGAIN. in the ward i tried hanging myself with my shoelace on the chair but everytime i was losing conciousness my body would push myself back up, i was found trying to do this so then started trying with trackies in the bathroom on a bar and was found AGAIN. i got released on monday and had an actual good day, was kind of looking forward to getting better but that was ridiculously shortlived.

now i'm still here, anxious as fuck, looping and looping the same thoughts over and over and over. i just want it to end so much, more than anything else, i've fucked up my relations with everyone i knew and i have no one to go to, the hospital just wanted me out of there desperately, it is so much easier to deal with shit in there but they said they've done all they can do and aren't bothering with me unless i am unsuccessful if i try again, which i wont be. i sit and stare at an extension cord most days. i'm over it, it is pointless, so very very pointless.

i just want them to put me on xanax or valium as they are the only two drugs that actually help, i am very aware of the long term negatives of benzo use but they are the only thing that keeps me from wanting to die. i lay awake almost every night, even after the seroquel, get up feeling like shit, taking the seroquel is the only part of the day i look forward to because i get a slight relief from it.

the end is going to be soon, i know it will be, i'm still trying to get better but i get less and less motivated every day. i have a place at a relapse prevention program in a month and can may be seeing a drug counsellor but i feel it will not help. the problem isn't the drugs, it is how i feel. there has been some discussion and arguments over which came first, drugs or depression (definitely depression..) but i'm just shrugged off as a drug addict and am told that is the problem i need to deal with.

i am spoken to like i am an idiot by all of my doctors, what ever they put me on doesn't help, talking therapy makes me worse, all attempts at self help do shit all, i'm at the end of my tether. i'm suprised i've survived this long and people have wasted that much time on me, but what else can i do. i just lie to them now, i'm trying to stop all treatment for me and give my family some temporary relief from the burden that i am, i'm getting pretty good at it now.

/end rant
 
oh pleases jesus..!
its relentless.

the pain is intense, but the nausea is hard to handle...
i can only take so many antacids w/e, promethazine would just knock me out with all the klonopin and oxy...
mmj?!
my caregiver is making a mercy call, but man, then there is the rest of the night etc.
im not at all complaining about his kindness, but its hard dealing with this, going into it, getting relief, then falling back into it again,,, this is a nightmare.
 
^
oh man

....

80~90~100?!?mg oxy w/d on the creep hard atm... ill be a frozen bird when i wake up.
i fuckin swear there ate two bottles, one with 21 pills, one with 24, but im not ripping the place apart making myself nuts.

honestly it would have one hell of a contender, if it was the OC vs. the autoimmune etc.


but FFS being stuck in the middle is no simple task, i have to imagine stupid stuff like ^ that.
my god i just want to w/d, and have to be sober again, bored, temporarily unmotivated, not in monstrous pain needing to build up my tolerance again.


my mind and body was so full of static today and i woke up so late, i didnt call the goddamn uni hospital or pain management clinic,,! wtf?!? idiot, now it could be too late...
i desperately want off these lil shits, methadone, opana, mscontin, HELP, not something that lasts 2-3.5 hours for half a year now...


how fucking long am i supposed to play happy guy, try and hold this in, be literally eaten alive from the inside out?!?
how long am i just supposed to go with it,,, it has been farfarfar toooo long already.
why?
why the fuck?
why the fuck am i living through this shit?!?
its only going to get worse and worse, any damage i do is permanent and progressive as well.
how many times have i felt actually honestly "safe" having sex the past 15 months at least,,,,
guess once every two or threee months?!?
probably not....
is it incredibly painful 10-15 minutes later, yeah.
is it anything i can describe, no...


is this the tip of the iceberg, something that could maybe be seen as petty?
yes.
but is it,,, to a 30 something y/o man, with a 20 something y/o wife?
not at all id guess, not in a relationship like ours was.


it would of been far more likely for me to be hit by a stray bullet, or eaten by a shark, struck by lightning, all of them???
and died a freakish death to rest in peace, not live a freakish disease, to rest no more.
 
i thought it was 6 months, as i said above but more like 9,,, and now hes talking about how i need to be titrating/wax&ween,,, when i mentioned this he chuckled and said doing so was proven ineffective a long time ago...?
so now that my dose got seriously dropped the previous 2 weeks, swallowing, even liquid without sipping makes a crushing sensation in my sternum, and the "bone lesions" on left shin feel very soft and ouch.

so he raised me a bit.
and confirmed Bronchitis...
bacterial, and especially repertory infections are very painful due to preexisting conditions, but more importantly can spread and/or progress rapidly shelled up into TB, if not treated quickly. so im munching the Amaxocilin...

i called my ghostly rheumetologist, i havent seen her in 8-9 months..?
i mentioned to the nurse my Bronchitis diagnosis, and asked how long i should post-pone my next Humira dose. this drug is a Biological Pain-Blocker that works by crashing ones immune-system, so lots of stuff is very dangerous, like Bronchitis, i take it every 10 days, am due in 3, they said to wait at least a week!!! oh hell...
i mentioned some other now life-long side effects that were identified, asking if they received any notice, because ive been half amused about not being contacted... geez.

so im finally going in to see her, fukin tomorrow,,, look out now, shes getting busy for me after, idk, ,,, 19 months, maybe i could say our entire patient doctor relationship?!?
im very very curious to se what shes got, i was not expecting to be going in tomorrow, or much response if any.
 
my rant - oceans (not you ocean =D lol) .

That and I am 6'3 and by accident just clocked my head walking down the stairs UGH... I have 11 concussions and I feel quite woozy now. Aint that typical. :/
 
god rape me in the ass
cognition for shit
is it getting worse?
will to act buried in sand
a work-like task?
Inconceivable!

that blue switch in line of sight
it brings relief... perhaps just light
shun the room, the switch itself
do anything else
play whack-a-mole in the dark.
 
I'm basically just going with it, but now that I'm not on opiates and not dependent on anything it's very confusing thinking about the near future.

I'm not talking about 6 months, nor am I talking about next week. Six months is far away enough to always have something in mind for that time period and next week is just coming up. When I was opiates, I always made sure I had a backup supply of sub or at least something for a few days.

I used to be able to look ahead and get a sense of things to come I felt like or at least there was a basic idea of events. I feel completely blank about the future. I guess it's good from a tableau rosa (clear slate) perspective, but I'm not sure how to deal with this. Through years of abusing/using I learned to not think about the next 2/3 months that much.

I want to be working toward something. Before I used to work so that I could buy drugs so I wouldn't be sick, so that I could work and then buy more drugs. It was a completely nonsensicle cycle, but I understood it. Now I'm working...to buy shit? There's tons of things I want to do in life, but this period of rebuilding I'm still in feels very fragile. I don't think I'd go back to using but.....and that's just it, I don't know what else to rely on.



Semi separate rant:

I don't like the conventional life, but I'm suburbia surrounded. It's a wall-less prison.


I've also discovered that I am now more fearful of the police than I am getting robbed or mugged, which is totally fucked in my mind.
 
jackie jones said:
I hate New York's climate. I'm so tired of being cold.
Click to expand...

me too, all this snow is fucking depressing..... god i can't imagine the percentage jump in suicides in the winter.



as for a rant, i don't even know how to be honest with myself anymore. all i want to do is get back up to new hampshire, snow or not, to be closer to my friends and to the culture that sustains me.

THE fuck i ended up in this pseudo midwestern right wing hell...... :!
 
After waking up in a panic, I realized this morning that a certain date is approaching that seriously fucks with my head. I started contemplating using Oxycontin again. I have the cash, connects, ect...but what I don't have is the ability to keep playing with fire without getting burned.

On top of that, I am living in a household with a few Vicodins lying around here and there. Bottles are also hidden somewhere. I feel like a fucking 16 year old again. My family probably locked up the bottles in their fucking safe and assumed I wouldn't even think to go near the stray pills. Think again! I'm a drug addict. I always go through the same exact motion. If pills are lying around, sometimes I can be okay with just taking one or two a week whenever they're around. Other times, I'll end up taking every stray pill in the house. After that, within a matter of time, it's back to blowing my cash on A LOT of opiates.

I feel fucking anxiety ridden, PTSD ridden, and angsty as hell. I try to wish peace on even my enemies; I believe that If I have good intent, that it will come back to me. It has. That is extremely hard to do right now, though. It bothers me that it's so fucking hard. The person who did something extremely troubling to me was not a good person. Knowing that a date comes up that reminds me of what happened...really fucks me up in the head. I want more than anything to not possess any qualities similar to that which almost destroyed me. The closer to this date, the more I feel anger towards this person. Intense fucking anger that I have started taking out on family members, friends, my therapist, anyone. I just want this date to be over. I want this person to flee from my mind completely. Forever. This person did enough damage in the attempt.

I just really hope I can get through the next few days alright. I have a tendency to start getting either drug dependent, become a drunkard, or get violent around days of this much psychological significance to me. I hope I can channel this anger into something more positive. I simply can't give that experience any further power to make my life more difficult.
 
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The next cyclist I see go through a RED fucking light is going to get a punch to the face from me and me personally.

I literally see this happen 10x a day. You are not exempt from road laws because you have no numberplate assholes.
 
ughhh, this has been the most fucked up night ive had in a while. i went up to visit my bro at u of delaware and we ended up getting into an argument where he told me that, "i have no idea how many times mom has told me shes scared ill end up like my dad". my dad is long unemployed and is living below the poverty line. this hurt me so fucking much. i ended up leaving and coming home. i havent been this sad in a fucking while and it pisses me off how im going through this period of total bullshit. honestly i think if i didnt wake up tomorrow i wouldnt complain
 
Told a friend I might do some "mcat" before hitting a party today she ended up getting all pissy at me saying how drugs were stupid and they kill you blah blah blah. Then she talks about how shes getting drunk and I am just gobsmacked at how fucking hypercritical she is when she says I take drugs because I don't have enough confidence.

I can't wait to fucking get out of this stupid institution, only a few months left now. Peoples ignorance towards drugs and preaching such ignorance annoys me no end. Especially when they drink heavily ever weekend!
 
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the last 3 weeks .

people hating cuz I'm done with a shitty lifestyle and it sunk in. Fucking people just want to use me , fuck them , I'll do me.

Being injured, I tried to lift today felt like i was being stabbed in the stomach, my ribs are still not ready. Im ancy, have goals i NEED to achieve. Since I had all this go down - i find myself smoking ciggs after more than a month off , and mentally I'm not near as stable. It keeps me so grounded. I'm really fucking frustrated being away from the iron.
 
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