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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
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Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
I'm having a real bad night... EVERYTHING is stressing me out and nobody seems to understand. My parents don't understand, my drug counsellor doesn't understand (I'm gonna stop seeing him the day my probation ends), and even the mental health crisis line doesn't understand (last time I phoned them they said "what do you expect us to do?"). I'm so angry right now I just wanna smash something. I feel so alone, rejected, and hopeless.
rant*N*rave
Bluelighter
God fucking damnit. I can't get a job anywhere outside this godforsaken city. At least rent is cheap. But fuck this nonsense.
Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
Hun, please remember that you have hundreds of people right here on BL who definitely understand what you're going through!! You're not alone
Thanks - I'm feeling much better today.
I just had a bad BPD episode last night.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Which is why it's so annoying because the way I'm living doesn't make sense. I'm not going through entire days in WD. It'll be more like several hours throughout the night or periods where I know I can just lay there and feel like shit. It's usually either an attempt to cold turkey (though I've discovered 60-80mg of oxy a day is still really annoying to CT with) or I'm stretching out the time between doses and spend a few hours WDing.
It's hard to commit to a taper schedule since my work schedule is different every week and now I have school work to deal with. Not to shift the blame elsewhere, but my friends definitely threw me off when I was doing well with just suboxone a few weeks ago. Then an old friend returned into my life and he's now selling oxy, which hasn't been easy. It's been cool chilling with him again, but us hanging out isn't helping me.
I have no one I really hang out with who doesn't do drugs. I can deal with being by myself for the most part, but as I start taking less and less opiates, my drive to be social increases and then I end up just seeing the same old faces. There's PC and we just smoke some herb and we'll do anything together from coke to pills to dope to going for a run together (like an actual one foot in front of the other 3-8 mile run), or Dope Boy himself he always knows oxy and dope connects. Then there's a few others that I'm all in the same boat with.
I think I missed something here. Did you want to taper to oxy's or off of them? I hear sub is hard to get off of if you take it for a long time. How much time do you have between semesters? Can you make it through summer without WD'ing and just slowly tapering off the opiates? Then maybe you will have time between semesters to do the sub and a quick taper from them to nothing. Just a thought. Geeze, there are times I just wish I could gather all of you guys up and bring you to my house and feed you and take care of you. Hold your drugs till you need that next dose and just keep you all safe and cozy. I have serious mothering instincts though my adult children said it was more smothering than mothering
I was tapering with sub, but it's so long and drawn out (and I kept relapsing and throwing off my taper). Then I had done oxy a bunch of days in a row, so I figured sub was out of my system and I was going to taper down with the oxy's. That was alright, but it was too easy to just do more and the supply is not consistent. Plus they're fucking expensive.
I'd have a few weeks in August where I'm not in school and I could try to taper off, which is what will probably end up happening (if I do actually taper off), but then I'd have spent the whole summer on opiates again.
I may have to accept that though. If I could get off before the fall semester started and stay off, it'd still be worth it.I have a really hard time motivating myself on suboxone at this point though. After being on it so much the last few years and switching back and forth between it and full agonists it just doesn't feel like it has the same effect any more.
Thanks for the reply! I wouldn't concern yourself in my doings though. I'm most likely going to disappoint (this is just being a realist based upon the last 4.5 years). It's not like I can't decipher the right and wrong decisions, I just can't make the right decisions. I'm stuck in this rut around here where everything is constantly the same. My role is the same. My life is the same. Work is the same. Social circle is the same. The only way I'm going to make changes with drugs is if I make some serious, BIG TIME lifestyle changes.
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Help me please
Bluelighter
Carl what you need is someone who wants to be clean as well and you and that person can hang out together. Sometimes we need to give up people who hurt us and friends that use and enable you aren't really healthy for you. Carl, you have to come first in your life! If for some reason you don't succeed this summer then try again this autumn. If not then make a plan for the winter etc. Keep trying and one day you will win over the addiction.
You'll only lose once you say F*ck it and decide to quit trying to get cleaned up. Set backs are one thing Carl...you just simply need to rededicate yourself to being back on track again
You'll only lose once you say F*ck it and decide to quit trying to get cleaned up. Set backs are one thing Carl...you just simply need to rededicate yourself to being back on track again
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Carl what you need is someone who wants to be clean as well and you and that person can hang out together. Sometimes we need to give up people who hurt us and friends that use and enable you aren't really healthy for you. Carl, you have to come first in your life! If for some reason you don't succeed this summer then try again this autumn. If not then make a plan for the winter etc. Keep trying and one day you will win over the addiction.
You'll only lose once you say F*ck it and decide to quit trying to get cleaned up. Set backs are one thing Carl...you just simply need to rededicate yourself to being back on track again
I think I need to regroup and come up with a different plan and course of action though.
I've been moving forward only to move backwards since March and it's been a fairly similar week by week cycle throughout. So much time keeps passing...I had wanted to get off everything by this past February. The main thing that has been different now from then is that instead of shooting heroin, I've been snorting oxy. It's just as costly, if not moreso, but it has at least been less damaging on my mental and physical health. When I couldn't find oxy the last few days, I could have gotten heroin a few times, but turned it down. So I am happy that I've lost my urge to use that.
You're completely right about finding a person that will help me get clean and won't get me tempted to do any drugs. The friend I run with used to be better about that, but he's gone from an opiate user who uses once every few weeks/no more than a few times a month, to someone who uses weekly, and somtimes multiple nights a week. He's on a bad slope and it's frustrating to see him going down that path.
I have stopped giving him any help in acquiring anything and I didn't give him my connects, so I think that has helped. He really needs to develop his own identity as he ends up just being like whomever he's been hanging out with. I was getting in good shape a few months ago, running alot, and he was doing the same. We were building off of each other in a healthy way then. If I can get him back to a healthy mindset, I'd like to try and have him as a healthy outlet again, but right now I feel like I'm losing him as a friend. He's one of my best friends and is my best friend that still lives in the area. I've been friends and been hanging out with him for 8 years (started hanging out at cross country practice actually), so it'd be sad to lose him, but at this point I think he's holding me back in some ways. I'd like to help him, but I think I need to get stronger myself first. If that means not seeing him for a while, so be it. I need to be selfish at this point in time.
Edit:
It's not a long term plan, but just getting through the physical shit has been a big road block so far. I'm thinking I might be able to go away for a few days and try to do a detox. Like if I were to rent a hotel room a few hours away. I think most places let you check in by 3pm, so if I were already 24 hours into WD then, I could stay two nights and by the time I'd check out at 11am two days later I'd be at 68 hours with a few hour drive home. Then I'd basically just have to make it through that night.
I think it would help to be out of my environment and away from the usual stresses and temptations. I could bring my laptop, Ipod, some movies, my vaporizer, a ton of weed, some books, maybe some xanax or benzo's if I can find them, some booze, and anything else to just pass the time by.
Last edited:
Help me please
Bluelighter
He really needs to develop his own identity as he ends up just being like whomever he's been hanging out with. I was getting in good shape a few months ago, running alot, and he was doing the same. We were building off of each other in a healthy way then. If I can get him back to a healthy mindset, I'd like to try and have him as a healthy outlet again, but right now I feel like I'm losing him as a friend.
I'd like to help him, but I think I need to get stronger myself first. If that means not seeing him for a while, so be it. I need to be selfish at this point in time.
Edit:
It's not a long term plan, but just getting through the physical shit has been a big road block so far. I'm thinking I might be able to go away for a few days and try to do a detox. Like if I were to rent a hotel room a few hours away. I think most places let you check in by 3pm, so if I were already 24 hours into WD then, I could stay two nights and by the time I'd check out at 11am two days later I'd be at 68 hours with a few hour drive home. Then I'd basically just have to make it through that night.
I think it would help to be out of my environment and away from the usual stresses and temptations. I could bring my laptop, Ipod, some movies, my vaporizer, a ton of weed, some books, maybe some xanax or benzo's if I can find them, some booze, and anything else to just pass the time by.
Carl, this guy sounds like the perfect person to be with now! All you have to do is get him to want to clean up too. That sounds like it wouldn't take much more than a simple conversation. If you wait till you get clean you may not have the time or patience to help him too. You may be better off staying away from people who use at all once you get clean.
The motel sounds like a good plan. Leave the booze though
You know you aren't supposed to drink with most of these pills you are taking...I don't even take communion wine and I do believe that it is no longer wine after it is blessed but still. I don't smoke pot but I think since it is organic it's probably OK to use. I think it has benefits for people in pain and also cancer patients who need to eat more. It mellows people out too which is good. Carl it probably would be better for the WD's anyway. Whatever you do though, please let someone you trust know where you will be staying and what you plans will be for traveling. You need to stay safe above all else!
unsettled
Bluelighter
Keep your receipt for the donut next time
off subject, but this post reminded me of this Mitch Hedberg joke about how you'd never need a receipt for a donut..
"I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't you even act like I didn't buy this donut! I have the receipt... damn ... I forgot it... at home... in the filing cabinet... under D... for donut." -Mitch Hedberg
unsettled
Bluelighter
Fuck it may as well join in and rant with everyone else.
I've been super stressed out the last few weeks about how I'm going to pay some important bills (rent...etc..) this month because I work freelance and sometimes when too many people don't pay me on time at once I come up short.
After working my ass off all month I finally made all the money I needed to pay the bills but instead of feeling glad I just feel exhausted, haven't been able to sleep, constant panic attacks, fatigued. Fucking sucks, I thought the bills were stressing me out, must be something else.
Also I really need to see my psychiatrist and get my meds adjusted but after a week of leaving messages on the offices answering service they still haven't gotten back to me, and I'm calling during business hours. I guess the receptionist is always on the phone or something, I don't know. Basically sometimes anxiety and depression really grab me by the balls out of nowhere and are unrelenting in their punishing ways. It's fucking up my sleep and appetite even more than usual.
I know people have a lot worse problems to deal with so I'll shut up now.
I've been super stressed out the last few weeks about how I'm going to pay some important bills (rent...etc..) this month because I work freelance and sometimes when too many people don't pay me on time at once I come up short.
After working my ass off all month I finally made all the money I needed to pay the bills but instead of feeling glad I just feel exhausted, haven't been able to sleep, constant panic attacks, fatigued. Fucking sucks, I thought the bills were stressing me out, must be something else.
Also I really need to see my psychiatrist and get my meds adjusted but after a week of leaving messages on the offices answering service they still haven't gotten back to me, and I'm calling during business hours. I guess the receptionist is always on the phone or something, I don't know. Basically sometimes anxiety and depression really grab me by the balls out of nowhere and are unrelenting in their punishing ways. It's fucking up my sleep and appetite even more than usual.
I know people have a lot worse problems to deal with so I'll shut up now.
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Similar problem contacting them. Fucking ridiculous. I answer phones at work too. It's not that fucking hard!
I posted it somewhere on BL recently, but I was trying to just get an initial appointment at one place that my suboxone doctor recommended and I called multiple times, different days, different times of the day (always called between 9 and 5, usually around 1-2pm), left multiple messages, and only ONCE did I get someone on the phone. It was not the receptionist so I was told to wait until the receptionist called me back to set up an appointment or to call back if I don't hear from her.
This was one of the first few calls I had made. If I had known that I would never get in contact with them again, then I would have pushed a little harder to get the woman who answered the phone to write me in on the calendar.
It's slightly annoying because after calling and leaving messages, I almost feel like they're rejecting me or that by ignoring me they're telling me that they do not want to help me for whatever reason.
It's also been annoying because my parents wanted me to see a counselor and I also wanted to go. After not being able to get an appointment my parents say stuff like, "So you gave up on trying counseling? Felt like you didn't need it?" or sometimes other similar comments that make it seem like I didn't even try calling at all.
Part of my issues are with beating myself up over past failures. No one likes failing right?
Q: Was I able to make an appointment with a psych?
A: No. FAIL!
Shit, I thought that would have been the easy part.
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ocean
Bluelight Crew
Bumped for the love of a good rant.
I feel fucking hopeless really i fucking do. It seems that nothing i fucking do works out nothing at all. Ive had nothing but bad luck for the past how many years? Let's call it a even 5 why not. The only bright spot was when i finally got to move up with my g/f and live with her. That was the first time in fucking years that i have been happy. I was not only happy i was deleriously happy and dare i even say it i was content perhaps? Yeah i was content for sure lying there with her in fact i have never been happier. But even that got fucked up and it was not even my fault this time. I caught pneumonia of all fucking things and got sicker then i have been in my life. Quite litterally. So guess what i had to come home outta that 
I have been a fucking manic depressive drug addled wreck ever since i came home. Everything has been fucked up so much more ever since that it is retarded. My chronic pain both the trigeminal neuralgia and the arthritis type pain ive had has been awful since i came home. Not to mention i am scared shitless of winter because my pain will probably be worse along with my SAD and i will be boxed in. I really can't stand being in one spot now when im not doped up (this is a recent occurance since i came back home) but with the winters we have here i won't have any choice really.
So in short fuck my life and everything in it. Well okay a few things in it are good but they are few and far between. Everything else can go fuck itself.
I have been a fucking manic depressive drug addled wreck ever since i came home. Everything has been fucked up so much more ever since that it is retarded. My chronic pain both the trigeminal neuralgia and the arthritis type pain ive had has been awful since i came home. Not to mention i am scared shitless of winter because my pain will probably be worse along with my SAD and i will be boxed in. I really can't stand being in one spot now when im not doped up (this is a recent occurance since i came back home) but with the winters we have here i won't have any choice really.
So in short fuck my life and everything in it. Well okay a few things in it are good but they are few and far between. Everything else can go fuck itself.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Dude. I hear you.
I keep hear in in random places, things like, you only live once and don't waste your youth...........
Makes me want to find what will get me out of my funk and move forward and into a happy place again.
I got the majority of my ranting out in therapy today.
I keep hear in in random places, things like, you only live once and don't waste your youth...........
Makes me want to find what will get me out of my funk and move forward and into a happy place again.
I got the majority of my ranting out in therapy today.
ninjadanslarbretabar
Bluelighter
so im on the key board
typing stuff
wanting good
wanting sun
the sun the sand
i want warm and happy
sunshine and smiles
where is all of that
i was a kid
green was green - like the grass
blue was blue - like the sky
now what
how do i win this game
its being getting really hard and hurtful and i got down and down again
then up
but i still got down again
and well, now, im going back up
thats great
but life is still filled with pain
i use to write
about it all
i use to be really depress, and, i got back there
i fucking went back into depression land cuz of my own failure in regards of a dream that never came true
ive invested myself so much into it and it still hurt in such a unapologetic way
i often go back to that time post israel, post acid, pre quitting school again
a time when i was empty but full, where i did discover something, and was still full of it
so special, crazxy times, but
..
where did it all go
i did got back down to the point of being about to kill myself cuz when the building is on fire you feel like jumping out the window even tho you really hope for another exit
but things got better
i got better
i went up
and kept at it with ups n down but kept at it for a good 10 year
thats a lot of my time
not having much of a life but getting better, slowly but surely
i was accumulating money, i was getting better at the guitar (and art in general)
and i was doing the ninja thing
and i believe that as long as im doing those 3 im cool, i dont have to worry too much - things will eventually get where they should
the ninja thing...
yeah the ninja thing is cool, and my name comes from that era
centering, balancing, building roots
breathing and visualizing
so ive lost myself those past 2 year but im coming back
and im doing it even stronger than before
"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" kind of thing
but damn, ive so never confronted life on the angle of moving forward in the world
ive cut myself off as a teenager, i though fuck it all, but this shit got to me,
i mean it started when i was a kid, it just became obvious that shit was going on, one of my first memories of how wrong things could be was from a old black n white footage from holocaust where they piled up starved body into a huge hole
and then there was jesus, the guy is cool with everyone then he end up on a cross...
that kinda teached me to stfu and dont act all pinky winky or else people will see it as a weakness and they'll fuck you up
eventually i was 9, going to school, and had a convo with a guy about why people talk
cuz i felt we mostly didnt say shit, or something
and i kinda associate that moment as me starting the whole mute thing
became introverted, more of a observer than a player
i did lots of things that isolated me from living
im 14 listening to the wall and final cut
it fitted my situation, i was building wall around myself
yeah it felt like that ^
they force you down society's throat to puke you out empty, broken and flavorless
so im saying ive cut myself from it all, didnt act in the world, i would mostly sit back and observe, eventually just observing myself and doing nothing, i stopped going out, i would be in my room thinking, and thinking, and thinking....
and it got really fucking bad
again im trying to say that depression is half my life
im 32, it started at 15
and now im ready to go back to normal life where i can care to move forward even tho that already was what i was doing for 10 years before getting back down, but ive never being that well, even tho ive repeated to myself that depression was over there always is some residue left
bad habits, and just not much of a real care to live, to wake up, to do something of my life,
but i knew how to be a ninja so i could fight, i could be happy
but it aint like life just floated by itself, i had to work at it, but then, thats being a adult no ?
good thing is that i realize that no it doesnt have to be that bad, ive found something lately that woke me up
realized that i could be happy again in a very alive way
and thats absolutely amazing to me
even tho i dont really feel it, it just sits in my information folder
thing is it all started cuz ive left my heart behind, i didnt want to hurt it
so i built walls, until there wasnt much to protect
everything became gray
life was
ive isolated my heart to go live in my brain until i lost connection with my heart
so everything lost its flavor
but due to my recent adventure i realize it was still able to be alive and well, but i need to feed it with a life, and i aint got a life atm
i still dont go out,
i live with my dad, i dont go out, i still dont have a job, i need to make new friends, get back in touch with the old ones, interact with people on the net, create a social network around me, and eventually find a girl
and its probably gonna be easy once it gets momentum
but right now im still in that inbetween thing where im not comfortable even tho i can remind me that things are in a situation that could be better than it ever was
i need to let go
i guess a part of me feels like its dying,
part of who ive being for 17 year is now gonna be a ghost
i dont feel it much its more something i can analyze and conclude on but : im there
time to move forward in a real way for the first time in the adult world that ive disconnected myself from
and i dont know if im too slow or if its ok to wait and wait to get there cuz its gonna get there cuz im ever changing and getting better
ive stopped drinking a month ago and started training 2 month ago
and i would like this month to go get a job, thats the next step but for some reason i have a huge discomfort with this
even tho thats where i want to go
so am i going too slow, is it ok to do it at my own rhythm
cuz im going up and i really want to do this right
and i know im getting stronger all the time,
and i could be a bigger ninja than i ever was
and im pretty damn happy to be who i am, i so once wasnt even half way close to what i am now,
fuck depression
but then i kinda went straight into it to see what was in there, and despite the bad its still how i ended up becoming myself
again i know ive accomplish so much, i did work to get here, every little thing you do ...
so much fucking work just to go through the day
...
so hard to go back to your heart when all is hurt
so much hurt everywhere
but i did,
and i wish i could feel it in a emotional way
but my heart needs more to wake up
it needs to have a life
i need to have a life
would be so damn nice if some of my online friends would be part of my real life
i could really care for a friend
one in 3-d
actually more than one
i wanna go back to having a social life but i so dislike most people
and i mostly dont give a fuck about most of what our cultural value and related behavior are made of
we are still monkey trowing rocks at each other
and its so easy to just disconnect, i got so fucking good at it
i wish i could win a award or something ; )
but i cant do that anymore, even tho i went back to it cuz i became weak emotionally cuz of alcohol dependence
time to move on
time to move on
time to move on but i need to fucking start moving
am i missing something
i wish my heart would push me into it
but ill need to drag my heavy heart with my heavy feet and eventually im sure ill get what i want, and what i need
and this rant is shit, i wanted to say a lot of shit but im looking up
great but im loosing part of myself...
...so long old self, we will have to part, and it wont be long...
i fucking love my old self, influenced by depression, tortured by it, addicted to it, its such a era of my life with all its different times and places
im 32 and its like im gonna finish high school,
finally go out in the world....
i want to be happy about that in a heart felt way
fuck i want that
fuck yes
and i believe in it,
i could be happy again in a effortless way cuz ive found a way, ive found my way
the way
anyway
typing stuff
wanting good
wanting sun
the sun the sand
i want warm and happy
sunshine and smiles
where is all of that
i was a kid
green was green - like the grass
blue was blue - like the sky
now what
how do i win this game
its being getting really hard and hurtful and i got down and down again
then up
but i still got down again
and well, now, im going back up
thats great
but life is still filled with pain
i use to write
about it all
i use to be really depress, and, i got back there
i fucking went back into depression land cuz of my own failure in regards of a dream that never came true
ive invested myself so much into it and it still hurt in such a unapologetic way
i often go back to that time post israel, post acid, pre quitting school again
a time when i was empty but full, where i did discover something, and was still full of it
so special, crazxy times, but
..
where did it all go
i did got back down to the point of being about to kill myself cuz when the building is on fire you feel like jumping out the window even tho you really hope for another exit
but things got better
i got better
i went up
and kept at it with ups n down but kept at it for a good 10 year
thats a lot of my time
not having much of a life but getting better, slowly but surely
i was accumulating money, i was getting better at the guitar (and art in general)
and i was doing the ninja thing
and i believe that as long as im doing those 3 im cool, i dont have to worry too much - things will eventually get where they should
the ninja thing...
NSFW:
yeah the ninja thing is cool, and my name comes from that era
centering, balancing, building roots
breathing and visualizing
so ive lost myself those past 2 year but im coming back
and im doing it even stronger than before
"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" kind of thing
but damn, ive so never confronted life on the angle of moving forward in the world
ive cut myself off as a teenager, i though fuck it all, but this shit got to me,
i mean it started when i was a kid, it just became obvious that shit was going on, one of my first memories of how wrong things could be was from a old black n white footage from holocaust where they piled up starved body into a huge hole
and then there was jesus, the guy is cool with everyone then he end up on a cross...
that kinda teached me to stfu and dont act all pinky winky or else people will see it as a weakness and they'll fuck you up
eventually i was 9, going to school, and had a convo with a guy about why people talk
cuz i felt we mostly didnt say shit, or something
and i kinda associate that moment as me starting the whole mute thing
became introverted, more of a observer than a player
i did lots of things that isolated me from living
im 14 listening to the wall and final cut
it fitted my situation, i was building wall around myself
yeah it felt like that ^
they force you down society's throat to puke you out empty, broken and flavorless
NSFW:
so im saying ive cut myself from it all, didnt act in the world, i would mostly sit back and observe, eventually just observing myself and doing nothing, i stopped going out, i would be in my room thinking, and thinking, and thinking....
and it got really fucking bad
again im trying to say that depression is half my life
im 32, it started at 15
and now im ready to go back to normal life where i can care to move forward even tho that already was what i was doing for 10 years before getting back down, but ive never being that well, even tho ive repeated to myself that depression was over there always is some residue left
bad habits, and just not much of a real care to live, to wake up, to do something of my life,
but i knew how to be a ninja so i could fight, i could be happy
but it aint like life just floated by itself, i had to work at it, but then, thats being a adult no ?
good thing is that i realize that no it doesnt have to be that bad, ive found something lately that woke me up
realized that i could be happy again in a very alive way
and thats absolutely amazing to me
even tho i dont really feel it, it just sits in my information folder
thing is it all started cuz ive left my heart behind, i didnt want to hurt it
so i built walls, until there wasnt much to protect
everything became gray
life was
ive isolated my heart to go live in my brain until i lost connection with my heart
so everything lost its flavor
but due to my recent adventure i realize it was still able to be alive and well, but i need to feed it with a life, and i aint got a life atm
i still dont go out,
i live with my dad, i dont go out, i still dont have a job, i need to make new friends, get back in touch with the old ones, interact with people on the net, create a social network around me, and eventually find a girl
and its probably gonna be easy once it gets momentum
but right now im still in that inbetween thing where im not comfortable even tho i can remind me that things are in a situation that could be better than it ever was
i need to let go
i guess a part of me feels like its dying,
part of who ive being for 17 year is now gonna be a ghost
i dont feel it much its more something i can analyze and conclude on but : im there
time to move forward in a real way for the first time in the adult world that ive disconnected myself from
and i dont know if im too slow or if its ok to wait and wait to get there cuz its gonna get there cuz im ever changing and getting better
ive stopped drinking a month ago and started training 2 month ago
and i would like this month to go get a job, thats the next step but for some reason i have a huge discomfort with this
even tho thats where i want to go
so am i going too slow, is it ok to do it at my own rhythm
cuz im going up and i really want to do this right
and i know im getting stronger all the time,
and i could be a bigger ninja than i ever was
and im pretty damn happy to be who i am, i so once wasnt even half way close to what i am now,
fuck depression
but then i kinda went straight into it to see what was in there, and despite the bad its still how i ended up becoming myself
again i know ive accomplish so much, i did work to get here, every little thing you do ...
so much fucking work just to go through the day
...
so hard to go back to your heart when all is hurt
so much hurt everywhere
but i did,
and i wish i could feel it in a emotional way
but my heart needs more to wake up
it needs to have a life
i need to have a life
would be so damn nice if some of my online friends would be part of my real life
i could really care for a friend
one in 3-d
actually more than one
i wanna go back to having a social life but i so dislike most people
and i mostly dont give a fuck about most of what our cultural value and related behavior are made of
we are still monkey trowing rocks at each other
and its so easy to just disconnect, i got so fucking good at it
i wish i could win a award or something ; )
but i cant do that anymore, even tho i went back to it cuz i became weak emotionally cuz of alcohol dependence
time to move on
time to move on
time to move on but i need to fucking start moving
am i missing something
i wish my heart would push me into it
but ill need to drag my heavy heart with my heavy feet and eventually im sure ill get what i want, and what i need
and this rant is shit, i wanted to say a lot of shit but im looking up
great but im loosing part of myself...
...so long old self, we will have to part, and it wont be long...
i fucking love my old self, influenced by depression, tortured by it, addicted to it, its such a era of my life with all its different times and places
im 32 and its like im gonna finish high school,
finally go out in the world....
i want to be happy about that in a heart felt way
fuck i want that
fuck yes
and i believe in it,
i could be happy again in a effortless way cuz ive found a way, ive found my way
the way
anyway
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^ Sometimes shedding your skin and starting all over is the way to go.
It can be painful, but when you think about the pain you hold onto when you don't let go of your past, it makes it worth it.
You will move forward. Shit will get better, and you're going to make it happen.
Take those first few steps and it'll happen.
Keep your head up, ninja
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” -Lao Tzu
Sometimes shedding your skin and starting all over is the way to go. It can be painful, but when you think about the pain you hold onto when you don't let go of your past, it makes it worth it.
You will move forward. Shit will get better, and you're going to make it happen.
Take those first few steps and it'll happen.
Keep your head up, ninja
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” -Lao Tzu
- Status