Update on opiate journey..........

[bagochina]

So jake how does it feel to be free from scoring dope daily? Are you having thoughts about using? I know I still obsessed about using for the first couple years on suboxone and did use those first couple years. With methadone I was in a much different head space when I went on it and was so desperate to get out of the using mindframe. I do recall that during the first few days on methadone the nurses told me I could use if I wasn't feeling quite well. I did have a couple days where I still recall going off into nods when I got home from dosing. I remember watching cartoons and almost drooling nodding out, my mother saw me and thought I was taking heroin again.

Even though it held me physically I missed those days riding out and copping and it was just a matter of a couple weeks when I started to use on the weekends [takehome]. I never got any take homes other than my Sunday because I refused to quit smoking pot and was testing dirty for heroin here and there. I didn't care though. Have they tested you yet? No word with talking to the doc concerning benzos?

For what it is worth I would establish a plan of action with your counselor concerning a time frame when you want to get off. Long detoxes suck [methadone at least] and the likelihood of relapsing I would think is very high. I will go so far as to say out of the 10-15 or so good friends I went to the clinic with NONE remained clean or even close to it after stopping methadone. There was a big group of us that all started using dope together, went to rehabs - went back to using, went on methadone - went back to using, repeat for over a decade. I was 19 when I started 'done and sat on it for 2 years.

Anyways, I dont know why I really typed all that maybe just to show my experience with methadone. What dose do they have you on now? I had to go back to shooting H to get off methadone I tapered for maybe 6 months and made it down to 20'ish mgs [i forget] and man every milligram I dropped there after SUCKED, I couldnt do it I tried for months to get down lower and I was sick most of the time. A lot of the rehabs wouldnt even detox me off methadone so I shot dope ontop and than checked into rehab [leaving the methadone part out]. Got kicked out and continued using. I never really wanted to quit though in the back of my head I knew I wasn't through with heroin.

Here is the story I wrote along time ago regarding that visit, if your bored.
http://seedlesss.wordpress.com/2006/03/05/rehab-visit-1/

Sometimes I wonder WHY and HOW did I become so addicted to drugs? Why did I let it happen? Was there a point? Will there ever be a point? Who knows, I am clean now though and it feels real fucking good!

peace.
seedless

 

[jake99]

Bothanks for the suppot
Seedless-it has worked pretty well, it just sucks worrying about if the k pin will mess with my piss tests

 

[PhrostByte]

"be a man"
what the fuck is that? withdrawals suck. it sucks throwing up and shitting at the same time, not able to move, being depressed as fuck with no end in site.
jake - have yu gone to meetings? i feel like you could use a group of sober people to be able to call, to hang out with, etc.
it works if you work it so work it your so fucking worth it.

You know what.. I was using just as much heroin as anyone else on this forum when I stopped and I toughed it through the withdrawals. People make it out to be worse than it is.. if jake can't handle it he's never going to be able to get clean.

 

[stuckinaloop]

i do wanna get clean .........the withdrawals just suck

your in for a hell of a ride man

tapering off methadone is like being in minor withdrawals the whole fucking time you do it, if you taper fast, forget it, you'd wish you were just dependent on dope. the longer you are on it the worse it gets. Maybe I had a bad experience, but those dick doctors at the clinic i've been to basically mandated how fast I could taper. I thought it blew being at the mercy of these nurses and doctors having to kiss ass alwasy being treated like a fucking addict breakingt he rules even when I wasn;t

ct withdrawals are unbearable, all of the above have sent many addicts like myself back to the streets. If you get kicked out and put on 14 or 28day detox for benzo use (which I am not too sure why you think clonazepam will not be tested for...they send out samples to a lab) you are going to be stuck in a position where you are either going to be in worse withdrawals than H ever has given you, or you go back to using some other type of opiate, be it heroin, or another maintenance drug

im not hating on you, but going on methadone to avoid withdrawals not the best idea IMO.

especially if you don't have a crazy dope habit. na/a support group/outside help i,e.rehab etc. are from my experience positive factors that help someone get clean.

the positive thing i can say is you can kiss your dope use goodbye unless its fucking payday and you got 50-100 to blow on a single shot, because, well ill give you my experience

i wasn't ready to stop using I guess. went on 80mg methadone for 6 months, and my tolerance was so high i never EVER shot less than a bundle after that. If you sniff..forget it.

im on suboxone now in an outpatient program. if you wanna get clean, get the outside help (which can also be had for free), the structure of drug testing (because you'll soon find out a hell of a lot of people on the methadone clinic are still in active addiction, using dope, getting around th edrug tests, crack etc..) 2x a week is a whole nother world from being tested possible once a week or once every 2 weeks. It's so fucking easy for an addict to find ways to get around that. The counselors are bullshit in NJ, certified in nothing, probably in college on their way to certification when they would then move onto a in/outpatient facility.

if your planning on being on methadone for years / decades ill shut up, you do your thing, I might have missed your ultimate plan..but you just said you want to get clean. You are taking a full acting opiate, just like oxy, just like heroin. Unless by clean you mean just off heroin and on another opiate, don't see how it's productive.

this was my experience, methadone did give me a little nod more like just falling asleep, not a euphoric dope nod. I was on 80mg for 6mo and I NEVER felt right in the morning, id wake up shitty and have to get to the meth clinic to drink my juice. it's almost like being fucking court mandated or something.

By the time it was 12 hours after my dose, I didn't feel shit, not to mention when 10pm or so rolled around, (i dosed at 7 or 8 am).

I was a lazy fuck who never wanted to do anything becuase by the tiem i got out of work, I was just tired, I never got 24 hours out of my dose.

but everyone is different, like someone above said theres more meth users (its been around longer) then bupe users. only reason im taking the time to type this is I felt like I got myself stuck in a dumb situation. Like I handcuffed my self to that building stuck with the elderly 20+ year users coming in there in wheelchairs and blind and shit...still on methadone, which goes to show how fuckin hard it is to get off.

I had what I thought was a bad dope habit sniffing 3 bundles a day, methadone 80mg for 60 mo destroyed my tolerance. It was literally impossible to get high on dope, after I relapsed and quit methadone I never shot less than a bundle per shot, I cant imagine if you were on like 180mg.

hell there were people at my clinic complaining of withdrawals moving down 1mg from their dose.

I dont know what your clinic is like but if its anything like clinics are up north, they are horrible places to get clean and wonderful places to buy drugs..while your waiting in line sick early as fuck

 

[stuckinaloop]

/

You know what.. I was using just as much heroin as anyone else on this forum when I stopped and I toughed it through the withdrawals. People make it out to be worse than it is.. if jake can't handle it he's never going to be able to get clean.

id take heroin withdrawals over bupe/methadone withdrawals any day.

if you cant handle it on your own/with family go to a free detox! which you would not be eligable for on methadone or bupe

 

[stuckinaloop]

yep only other option have to avoid gettin real sick and get off clinic is if i got money get a couple buns and taper off over a few days................

i am not trying to rain on your parade just feeling sorry for what your in for

a few buns is not going to taper you off 80mg a day methadone

itll get you through a day

 

[totach]

wow BO ur last post made me crackup like 5 times that was really a GREAT post and also very true in my opninion.Simple as if someone has a problem with jakes threads why do they open them and read?????????i read jake's thread to c n hope that he is either doing well or doing better or even doing worse cuz i know what hes goin thru n im rooting for him i guess this shit kinda gives me somethin 2 look forward 2.If anything i would say what jake's goin thru is the complete opposite of a trigger atleast for me.Anyways i just dont c the point of ragging on someone when you know they really mean well and this shit IS FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!!! I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS!!!!!
"BE A MAN"
for sure takes the cake for dummest post of the year lol.......

 

[SececaRD]

I wish nothing more than to see everyone on bluelight including Jake happy and sober. It just seems to me like hes always trying to beat the system. Thats just from what I gather from his posts.

I mean I gather that he still wants to get high, but doesnt want the risk of going to jail. So he uses his free methadone/Kpin combo to acheive this goal.

Jake you need a better reason to wanna not use dope than "I dont wanna go back to jail".

Get clean and sober cause its the right thing to do and dopes gonna kill you.

These are my thoughts not yours
Sean

 

[stuckinaloop]

wow BO ur last post made me crackup like 5 times that was really a GREAT post and also very true in my opninion.Simple as if someone has a problem with jakes threads why do they open them and read?????????i read jake's thread to c n hope that he is either doing well or doing better or even doing worse cuz i know what hes goin thru n im rooting for him i guess this shit kinda gives me somethin 2 look forward 2.If anything i would say what jake's goin thru is the complete opposite of a trigger atleast for me.Anyways i just dont c the point of ragging on someone when you know they really mean well and this shit IS FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!!! I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS!!!!!
"BE A MAN"
for sure takes the cake for dummest post of the year lol.......

yeah "BE A MAN" had to of come from someone with little to no opiate habit..dumb as hell uncompassionate response not worth hitting your keyboard to write and mouse to submit

 

[jake99]

Ok lets see i am 29, before i ended up going to prison for almost 2 yrs, i had been to n.a. for years, rehab 4 times, halfway houses, etc............i got out of prison almost 2 yrs ago now , i was clean for a couple months before getting back into opiates. For awhile ,i was getting sub on the street and goin back and forth between sub and dope , then finally i saw a sub doctor for a few months but that didnt work for me , so i ended up just doing dope and getting up to about a bun a day habit for awhile........I FEEL LIKE METHADONE IS A LAST RESORT. I am sick of risking my ass driving to philly or camden to cop , blowing every penny i have on it , and messing up things with my family . I got on the klonopin a few months ago and use them for my anxiety , not to get high (yea there were some days id take 4 instead of the 3 i was prescribed or times id buy xanax as well but i do have an anxiety problem and am trying to taper off them so I can stay on the clinic) My plan is basically do whatever i can to get thru this next month since i will have an associates degree after this semester which i have been working on for the last 2 years and im in my last 3 classes towards it and doing well. After that if i wanna quit the clinic and get off opiates altogether i can and i will have my degree and i i need to go away to a detox or just get real sick at home i could without worrying abuot finishing school........it has only been a month on the methadone and i just got up to 80 mg a week ago . I do not wanna be one of the guys stuck on it for years at all.............But i know if i just stop goin , i will end up on dope again and be bak driving to the hood blowing all my money on dope , and possibly not even finish school , and not have a chance to get things better with my family........SO as much as i hear what you all are saying ,I do not feel like I can just say "ok ill just quit the meth clinic" and be fine..........Maybe i can talk to my counselor and tell them i want to only be on it for a few months.............that way it wont be nearly as bad coming of as someone who has been on a year or 2

 

[Lolie]

I wish nothing more than to see everyone on bluelight including Jake happy and sober. It just seems to me like hes always trying to beat the system. Thats just from what I gather from his posts.

I mean I gather that he still wants to get high, but doesnt want the risk of going to jail. So he uses his free methadone/Kpin combo to acheive this goal.

Jake you need a better reason to wanna not use dope than "I dont wanna go back to jail".

Get clean and sober cause its the right thing to do and dopes gonna kill you.

These are my thoughts not yours
Sean

While I agree that simply wanting to avoid negative consequences like being dope sick or going to jail rarely seems to be enough motivation for people to get and stay clean long-term, it's still two more reasons than none. It's a starting point to which positive motivations can be added.

One thing you might find helpful Jake is to frame stuff in terms of where you want to be when you turn 30. A wish isn't a goal unless you have a timeline in place and you have planned the steps for reaching it - without those it's just an idea you might get around to "someday".

Do you have an idea of how you'd like to use your degree? When you visualise Jake at 30, how is the life you want different than the one you're living now? What are the things which you want to add to your life over the next year?

Have you ever looked into rapid detox? I know that it's pretty controversial but you did say that you're looking at options of last resort and it might be worth considering if physical withdrawals are your stumbling point.

 

[jake99]

yeah i tried to get into a rapid detox they wouldnt take me. i just wann get the degree then maybe i can get into a detox since ill be done school. i dont wanna miss classes now. so if i gotta make it one more month on this clinic , i guess i could..............when i see my counselor illl tell him i wanna lower my dose...................

 

[totach]

As ive said in other theads "rapid detox" biggest b/s in the world i felt like shit for 3 months til i relapsed cuz i couldnt take it anymore.N i think i only stayed clean for the 3 months cuz i felt bad for the $15,000 i spent.

 

[jake99]

i think im gonna start goin to the clinic every other day , that way its like gettin dose cut in half , then just save a take home , and stop goin and sip a little for a few days.....to avoid gettin really sick

 

[SececaRD]

I did that before Jake... It worked for me

 

[SececaRD]

Talk to them.. tell them you want yoru dose cut down 2 mgs a day... Ive done that too.. this was all years ago.. like 6 years ago....

 

[Lolie]

i think im gonna start goin to the clinic every other day , that way its like gettin dose cut in half , then just save a take home , and stop goin and sip a little for a few days.....to avoid gettin really sick

Wouldn't it be better to do a supervised taper? From your past threads, the problem you seem to run up against is trying to taper too fast and then finding you can't handle the withdrawals.

 

[jake99]

well i can try to talk to counselor but they want to keep you on the program because you are money to them so they will keep putting it off and say "you will see the doctor" then you may wait 2 weeks . BUt they cant force you to dose every day . all they can do is cut your dose in half after missing 2 days in a row..............you can miss 1 day and they cant do anythig about it.............

 

[PhrostByte]

yeah "BE A MAN" had to of come from someone with little to no opiate habit..dumb as hell uncompassionate response not worth hitting your keyboard to write and mouse to submit

I've been a heroin addict for almost 8 years now.. opiate withdrawal isn't nearly as bad as some sort of bad injury. Breaking my leg was a lot worse than withdrawing from heroin.. but thanks for talking shit about someone you know nothing about.

The worst part about jake's situation is that he supposedly didn't even use much... once or twice a week I read? That's nothing really.. surely no real reason to get on methadone in my opinion.. I've never been on methadone for more than a day but I've heard the withdrawal is very long and drawn out.. sure, not as strong as heroin withdrawal.. but made up for with its sheer length.

 

[jake99]

The worst part about jake's situation is that he supposedly didn't even use much... once or twice a week I read?

I USED EVERY DAY FOR OVER A YEAR EXCEPT 2 OR 3 DAYS OUT OF THAT YEAR...............EITHER DOPE OR SUBOXONE..................
AND SO YOU KNOW I AM GOING OFF THE CLINIC VERY SOON SO YOU CAN STOP TRYIN TO SCARE ME ABOUT THE WITHDRAWALS