This thread is extremely interesting to me, and has shed some light on what has been for me a very confusing/frustrating 6 months.
I would like to share my experience with you all, in the hopes that it will help others realize (as you did for me) that I am not alone in this.
I start my tale like many others, on my way to a Music Festival in September 2012, a big one down in BC in the Kootenays called Shambhala. Now, I want to make it clear, this wasn't my first experience with MDMA. Molly and I had developed a rather friendly relationship in the years leading up to this awesome festival. I swore by the stuff - it had opened my eyes. It made me look at things in ways I never imagined possible, it let me open up to people in ways I had never before experienced. For me, the big thing was that it kicked my fears, anxieties(mainly social) and self-consciousness out of the way, and allowed me to be the best possible version of myself. I had such engrossing coversations that oftentimes I would find myself starting a chat around the fire, and in the end, dozens and dozens of people would be listening to me speak. I would leave every rave feeling like a king, having met and engaged with all the djs and loads of super cute girls. This all coming from a kid who spends his every waking hour reading, gaming, reading some more - anything to keep away from people. I'm not saying this as any sort of ego trip, but I honestly felt that MDMA had allowed people to see me, as I always thought I should be treated, I am a cool motherfucker, but my social anxieties stand in the way of people every getting a glimpse. Because of this, MDMA was my drug of choice, and I used it probably once or twice a month.
Sorry if thats not related to this specific post, I just wanted to provide a context. A couple more things to note before I dive in to adressing the OP:
Before leaving for Shambhala I had started smoking marijuana daily to cope with the stress of a bartending job that left me stressed, and emotionally worn out from interacting with people all day. This daily habit was not debilitating at the time, but I soon found that smoking marijuana was not something I could do around others. It made me antisocial and very very anxious (or rather, it drew out the anxieties that were always there, but which I have always chosen to ignore ).
My first day at Shambhala I dropped acid with my friends, while we explored the grounds, roamed the beach, and set up camp (not recommended to do while on acid). The people I had come with were all big pot-heads, and rather than be left out I joined in. Dozens of people from the now extended "raver family" stopped by our camp, but all I managed to do was stumble over my hellos, and get half-way through sentences. I was so ashamed by those interactions. These were people who had only ever known me as the awesome, high energy, loveable guy, and the weed-paranoia really went to my head, telling me I was a fake. The next nights I was determined to show them I was still that person. I over-compensated, and took way too much MDMA the rest of the weekend. I had some great times, really fun times, great music, danced my ass off, had some deep conversations with strangers, all the regular MDMA induced goodies. But I took way too much, I don't know grams but I spent well over $400
But then I got home and things started to get weird. I had the next 3 days off, because I expected to need a good recovery. MDMA always left me with that Post-Party Depression, where nothing in the world seems stimulating. I often liken this to the feeling I got as a young boy after my birthday party, when everyone had left. Try as I might, the next day or two I could never seem to have fun. Anyways usually on these days I just invite a girl over for a cuddlesesh, and we resign ourselves to watching Game of Thrones, or some good documentaries. But thats when things started to go horribly wrong.
My brain kept getting violent shocks, as if a thousand volts of electricity had just gone off in my brain. I know this is a common side effect, often discussed here on bluelight, but I had never experienced them before. Most posters also do not describe them as super painful, mine HURT. 2 days later I had still not fallen asleep, because everytime I got close, one of these shocks would rock my brain. I was terrified of trying to sleep. I was terrified that my little escapade had maybe taken me over the edge.
I did not, and have not had any of the visual problems, or light sensitivity such as Surfer or Dpd but for months after I have been feeling/getting (quoting the OP):
"anxiety/panic attacks
complete utter short term memory loss, would think back to what i done during the day earlier and think " shit i cant even remember how the day went"
trying to think on a subject or equation was an absolute nightmare
had no motivation, thought i was losing my mind
dizzyness/felt weird turning my head
brain zaps during the day and when i went to sleep (only lasted a 10 days though)
a mild depersonalization/ but not that noticeable"
This EXACTLY mimicks everything I have been experiencing for the past 6 months. It has terrified me so badly. I was an intelligent kid, now I find that if I try and put my mind to a "subject or equation" (as you so aptly put it) I cannot focus my mind. I don't mean my brain is occupied with other things, but rather, all I experience is pure emptyness. Its as if a thick layer of fog has settled on my brain and refuses to clear.
People ask me how the other day at work was, I can't tell them. I can't even remember what happened yesterday, and increasingly I have a hard time remembering names of old friends and colleagues.
I have been having terrible difficulty reading on abstract concepts, or following arguements in books I read. And I've realized that even when I read and re-read things I have troubles committing them to memory.
I am also struggling with Depersonalization, but I think in most part this has to do with the incredible change in worldview that drugs and psychadellics has opened me up to in the last few years. I am re-learning everything I thought I knew about life, and this I believe is the main factor contributing to my anxieties. Reading history, philosophy, about ancient traditions, and the problems and crisis facing modern man has really left me without a solid foothold, without a faith, or a solid belief in anything. All I know is that I know nothing. But I digress.
Anyways. I just wanted to come and say hi to everyone. I hope you're all recovering well.
I know for myself, I had to stop smoking weed. This made the largest difference.
I have been trying to excersize regularly, and failing. Every time I get in the habit I stop. This is my personal dragon, and I will overcome it.
Eating healthy has been helping, I can slowly feel myself edging back to normal, I have been taking 5-htp on a regular basis as well, which has been really beneficial on my overall mood.
For months I thought I was going to be dumb forever. In a way I still fear I will never get it all back.
Thanks so much for sharing, and being open. Before reading this I had no idea that anyone else had suffered from this long of a come down, and you have given me great hope for the future.
