Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

[THECATINTHEHAT]

absolute crap, no purpose, a waste of skin, space and oxygen, a punishment, horrible, horror, hellish, are some of the things i think of when i pause to hear my thoughts.

I relate to that, my intrusive suicidal thoughts are coming up again. My internal narrative is a fucking shitshow, continuous stream of bullshit telling me I'm not good enough, stupid, lazy etc etc and at the moment then when that stops I'm just overflowing with anxiety.

I need to start making decisions and doing behaviours that will protect and support my mental state, i.e. being open and communicative and ready to be vulnerable, but not so much as to invite the possibility of things that could be overwhelming.

I feel like shit today and it's in large part due to my poor decision making.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I legit have to stop using antipsychotics/depakote or change them since they make me sleep walk like a mf

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Holy fuck I just realized that Ive literally caused my musical hallucinations by listening to certain songs for so long times. Gotta stop it.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Fuck it, my depakote dose is clearly too low since I still get manic. And depressed. Mostly manic though.

 

[neversickanymore]

So I am pretty physically attracted to this woman. Turns out she is boring as it comes and likes spending her time doing simple things at home. I may lose at love as my scarlet may be to rare to find. This fucking planet is crap.. morons rule idiots. Bring on the next ice age and we can cheer it grinding today into dust.

 

[Nagelfar]

Dept. of corrections versus my drug of choice: just like the war on drugs; *my* will beat *the*, eventually.

 

[Kaden_Nite]

It may be a side effect from something you've taken? Try to calm down, panicking isn't going to help. Can you call medics? Might be best to get checked out.

 

[neversickanymore]

Your good. Take a breath

 

[neversickanymore]

Im here for you

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

thank you everyone who replied. i'm ok now. there's nothing physically wrong with me. i was having a mental breakdown that manifested itself in very strange physical symptoms. fortunately i do not have the anatomical knowledge to cut out my bladder, or i definitely would have.

i'm now mentally sane enough that i don't have to worry about cutting my organs out. sorry for being a drama queen. if @herbavore is still on this site, i could really use a pm from you. i realize that's selfish, but i'm far from a perfect person. Asclepius has offered to talk to me via pm tomorrow, which means the world to me.

i didn't call 911, which i was about to do. that would have been a disaster because i was in no shape to be speaking with the police. if bluelight didn't exist i probably would have, which best case scenario would have resulted in 5-0 tazing the daylights outta me naked on my bathroom floor, a massive ER bill, and an eviction notice. so thank you neversickanymore and Kaden_Nite for replying to the thread and giving me a support line outside of the police.

wanna know something funny? this mental breakdown was the result of a relationship with bluelighter. i'll leave it that, to respect their privacy.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

this mental breakdown was the result of a relationship with bluelighter.

Seems like they all end up with someone in a mental breakdown.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

actually i don't know that's why. i don't know what was going on. other than i couldn't pee and was losing my mind. and maybe, just maybe, though i'd deny it in court, i had passing ideas of cutting myself open to relieve the need to urinate.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Well atleast youre doing better know. I had similar thing happen to me when I was somewhat in a relationship with a fellow bluelighter. First I go manic and then I went psychotic.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

if you wana talk about via pm i am all ears. i think it would be therapeutic for both of use, long as we didn't encourage self-harm.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I had a breakdown and called the police when I thought I was being kidnapped last weekend, how the fuck I didnt get arrested or sectioned I dont know.

Sounds like whatever happened you had a pretty rough time, glad you're through it. Make sure to do actions of self-care now!

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

@herbavore might get notifications, I don't know if she visits with the exception of visiting her son's thread in the shrine. Even if she doesn't, her words of comfort in her posts help if you take time to read them, I read old friends posts when I want them back and it helps.

Having had a relationship with a bluelighters, many have, they can be pretty intense and not always end well.

Hope you're feeling better, I don't know you but read your posts. Very kind person, very knowledgeable and giving.

Take care, feel better.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So I am pretty physically attracted to this woman. Turns out she is boring as it comes and likes spending her time doing simple things at home. I may lose at love as my scarlet may be to rare to find. This fucking planet is crap.. morons rule idiots. Bring on the next ice age and we can cheer it grinding today into dust.

If its just physical attraction then why care if shes boring, no?

 

[neversickanymore]

If its just physical attraction then why care if shes boring, no?

Physical attraction is good, but physical attraction and a really attractive personality is much better and that's what i'm looking for.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Opioids make me sleepwalk even more stupidly, atleast while I use an antipsychotic and mania med that both make me sleepwalk.

Im about this close to stop taking my meds.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

when i close my eyes i see things that are not there. it confuses me and i don't realize that my eyes are closed. the things i see are crazy or sometimes they are somewhere else; that makes things very scary and confusing. i'm curious if it's permanent. if so, it's a big problem. that's the kind of thing doctors definitely cannot fix.