Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[EPL1]

Hey Shroom,

I hope you're having a great day, I do agree with Painful One, I think you need to see a pain specialist. They should be responsible for treating your pain so you are not left to self medicate. Until then I think you should take PO'S advice and have someone you trust dole out your pills.

You know we love you here and just want the best for you, If you'd ever like to chat, pm me.

Much love and support,
your friend,
Ash.

Shroomy,

You are not crazy. People who are really crazy think everyone else is crazy and they are just fine. The fact that you often say that you are crazy proves you are not crazy. Isn't that crazy?

My friend, you keep going in circles here. You know what has to be done but you keep binging on the pills when you get a supply that is supposed to last. You said you had enough to make it through the holidays and it was the day after Christmas that you were in withdrawal again. You need some help with medication management. Either a family member to give you the daily dosage or I have heard of safes where they only open at a certain time and give you the exact amount of medication you need.

I am in agreement with you that you do need some of this medication for severe anxiety but taking the amount you are using is causing you more anxiety. You are in a vicious cycle. I believe there are other things they can do to stabilize your mood better and manage the chronic pain too. The chronic pain is where a lot of this problem is coming from. It has to be managed.

I really do hope your family is planning an intervention and soon! You need some help with this.

Benzodiazepines are strong medication! I am sure your speech is very slurred at times but you are not hearing it. That happened to me on benzo's. Three Valium a day had my speech all slurred out and I didn't even realize it.

It alarms me that you are talking anout going back to the etziolam. You just got off that horrid research chemical! You were saying how much better you were feeling on the Xanax and how much less you could take.

You need to really think about this. I think you need to see a pain specialist. There are medications they can use to help control these problems.

 

[EPL1]

I hope you're doing well today dj and that you're not struggling like you have been. That sucks.

You are such an awesome person, you mean so much to us here. In case you didn't know. ; )

I'm here if you need me.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

I gotta agree with you here painful one... if a doctor doesn't know how to help you shroomi then a rehab does, they see this all the time. If you are really scared for your life then maybe you should take a drastic measure and have a stay in a rehab. They know what they're doing. My buddy just kicked a Years long benzo and alcohol habit (among many, many other things) in a rehab.

We're pulling for ya dude. Benzo withdrawal is hell. I'm going thru it right now and it is fuckin hell. I just want to string myself up on a goddamn rope. I can only imagine how you must feel... not Tryna sound preachy or anything but get help dude. Maybe you need rehab.

 

[EPL1]

Popping in to see how you're doing today PO? You and I are on such similar paths in life, and you're such a great person, if you ever need anything I'm here for you.

How are you feeling today?

New Years plans?

Hugs,
your friend.,
Ash.

Well...I think the depression has a lot to do with things. I have been sleeping a lot. I feel really tired and just wiped out.
I'm taking the sleep! It has been awhile since I could sleep this much and I'm tired!
The sleep helps to clear up the major depression incident's too.

My best advise would be to listen to your body. Sleep when your body wants sleep. If you don't feel like you need such a high dose right now, then take a bit lower one and see how it goes. You can adjust as needed. I do think taking the Valium as prescribed is really helping because you have that underlying protective foundation layer that keeps you stable. That is your stability.

Don't over think this. As long as you have some benzo's in you, you are not going to go into seizure withdrawal,
Just keep it comfortable but don't overdo it.

Chill, relax, and try to take it easy. Don't worry so much.
You are going to be okay.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah it's obvious I need to quit, thanks painful one for saying I am not crazy. I already know that. I have problems. A serious benzo one I have been quitting already for months. My valium prescription is very finicky, it seems hard for me to stick with it while getting off short acting benzos because I can't feel it, but if I take higher doses for several days after that I can get by on much less xanax/etizolam while still feeling underlying withdrawals. I'm just not prescribed enough that is the problem it's such a low dose even for someone who has been taking it as prescribed this long and even at the beginning. I was doing a lot better on etizolam I realized, more clearheaded. I wasn't as depressed, but it isn't as good for anxiety and not for long term use but I have to quit anyway. The xanax is when I started passing out and forgetting things and stopping to be on top of my life so much and people notice when I am on that one. It is just a matter of how and for now I am knowledgable enough to use the small number of pills that I have to do an abrupt taper at least to lower my dose a bit and then do so research in the meantime. I will figure this out. It may not be as bad as it seems, opiate withdrawal wasn't.

Ash, thanks I might pm you and I am in fact having a good day. I got lucky in a number of surprising ways, a confluence of events. I have been in benzo withdrawal all day again. It is okay though. I am going to clean my living space, and make sure to eat enough food, sleep I am unconcerned about it is part of the withdrawal. I am very nervous, but also more motivated than usual and smoked a lot of kush as well after not having it for a while. I can't really smoke other strains, hybrids give me too much anxiety and sativas make my creative mind go kind of crazy and they are too recreational. I have close to a very pure indica kush it is nice to have the right weed when I thought I was going to have nothing for today and it is my antidepressant among other things.

I'm not sure if it's time to take the valium one at a time but eventually it will be. I am in survival mode and really trying. I am keeping my head clear so whatever happens at least I will know that I tried. Staying up all night right now is actually a good thing. I have so much to do and think about, so long as I make sure to rest my back and keep healthy.

 

[NorthernGirl]

Im happy to read that you are having a better day Shroomy... thats good. While I believe it's ok to pull the occasional all nighter, please also remember that you need sleep too! All those little pieces of life that fit together .. as u already know.. like a somewhat decent sleep cycle, eating as healthy as possible, yoga! Healthy interactions with other humans!! whatever they may be! And taking your medication reasonably and at a safe dose. You can do all of that I know you can.. you beat a hell of a beast one year ago w opiates and that should be congratulated!! Way to go my friend on your one year anniversary! From what I know of you, you are an extremely intelligent young man with soooo much to offer the world. My heart goes out to you when you describe the anxiety you experience. So for now perhaps just focus on lowering what you can at home and first thing next week after the new year holiday decide which avenue to take. Contacting the right doctor I mean.. and work out a plan to get on a combination/ dosage that works for you. Can you approach your dr with this? I am in Canada too and I know it can be frustrating and the resources few and far between. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that we even have a doctor. My family on the East Coast have been waiting for over a year for one I wish I had a magic wand for you; for everyone here... but you should know there are a lot of folks rooting for you, & who believe in you. It sounds like you have a loving family, who cares about you .. although I know there is and can be drama, I have my own too; as we all do. Anyways I don't want to preach to you hon, I'm just trying to convey love and support ultimately. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself, one day at a time!

 

[ShroomySatori]

That is very kind of you to write. I am having a better day, despite being in moderate benzo withdrawal. I think that is sound advice and thanks for giving a care at all. I feel like I am having a heart attack right now, but I will get used to it. My heart feels in a constant vice grip but it is healthy. I am so nauseous, called in sick right away today the first time all year I couldn't make it to that.
There is so much to think about. Ideally, I would start spending way less money and going through an abrupt taper of hell. I have survived plenty of bad acid trips it would just be like that for a few months which would fly by and be hell. During this time, since I seem to have much more motivation off benzos despite feeling like garbage, I should be able to get any sort of job. Obviously nothing career-like yet, my brain is too fried (another thing to hate about these benzos... I've never been worried about brain damage from a drug before this one or experienced it).

Then, when I have income (I may have to try another avenue for that), I can taper myself off and get a bunch of benzos after a pay or two. I know how to do that, as much as the doctors do. I can't trust that they would taper me unless I was on a much lower dose so I am sort of stuck. Ideally (and there are a lot of ifs) - I would reduce as much as possible and then work with the medical system because then at least I would know I wouldn't die.

Like there's so much to think about it's overwhelming I really appreciate the support from everyone I need it more than ever before. I called off my shift tomorrow I think it was smart. I haven't all year like I can say I'm sick a lot of people are anyway this time of year. And I have a lot of planning to do. Today I am just keeping myself busy for now, in fact I was just doing some cleaning but it's 4 and all I've had is a banana so I better have that baked bagel full of herbs of cheeses I just cooked up. I have some relaxing diffuser blends going.

There is so much to think about it's completely overwhelming and I just feel alone like nobody understands except for me how to deal with this. I'd like to myself but it's really hard to function with anxiety. I'm learning. I'm getting out more while experiencing extreme anxiety and not relying on benzos when I feel it coming on. I think that is important.

There isn't much to say. I have a problem, and I want to get better. I will otherwise die trying. My doctor is concerned about me taking about 1/10th of what I actually take. Luckily she referred my to a psych recently, so I have their number and I'm pretty sure I could set up an emergency appointment or at least call them Monday and also like if I really really needed to as in life threatening. I will get through this it is hell though because of the dose. The dose has been so high for so long. I think I could feel better sooner than I think. I am tough. I just have to get used to the extreme anxiety and get myself in a situation that is not life threatening and I'd be happy without a wink of sleep and a meal a day.

 

[EPL1]

NorthernGirl,

You don't post often, but when you do, your posts are so kind and thoughtful. Just wanted you to know I think you are a really lovely person and you have a great heart.

I hope you're having a great day.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Im happy to read that you are having a better day Shroomy... thats good. While I believe it's ok to pull the occasional all nighter, please also remember that you need sleep too! All those little pieces of life that fit together .. as u already know.. like a somewhat decent sleep cycle, eating as healthy as possible, yoga! Healthy interactions with other humans!! whatever they may be! And taking your medication reasonably and at a safe dose. You can do all of that I know you can.. you beat a hell of a beast one year ago w opiates and that should be congratulated!! Way to go my friend on your one year anniversary! From what I know of you, you are an extremely intelligent young man with soooo much to offer the world. My heart goes out to you when you describe the anxiety you experience. So for now perhaps just focus on lowering what you can at home and first thing next week after the new year holiday decide which avenue to take. Contacting the right doctor I mean.. and work out a plan to get on a combination/ dosage that works for you. Can you approach your dr with this? I am in Canada too and I know it can be frustrating and the resources few and far between. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that we even have a doctor. My family on the East Coast have been waiting for over a year for one I wish I had a magic wand for you; for everyone here... but you should know there are a lot of folks rooting for you, & who believe in you. It sounds like you have a loving family, who cares about you .. although I know there is and can be drama, I have my own too; as we all do. Anyways I don't want to preach to you hon, I'm just trying to convey love and support ultimately. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself, one day at a time!

 

[dopiejay]

Benzo withdrawal is hell dude! I'm so sorry you are going through that too! I never imagined benzo withdrawal would be that bad because it didn't seem to me that the benzo's really did much for me. I never felt them very much. I remember thinking my God, this was not even worth that little bit of anxiety relief!

Keep on going through it D.J. You will come out the other side. It does get better slowly but surely.
You are in my prayers also. I hope you can kick those Devils and get feeling better soon.

Take care of yourself brother!

Thank you. It's nice to hear that. I feel like I'm doing great with the taper and then the goddamn anxiety comes back when my system is benzo free and hits me like a truck.

I find with opioids my thoughts are too scattered to really have any anxiety and I'm pain free as well. I get irritable but I'll take that over crippling depression, anxiety and back/hip pain any day.

So this is my existence now. Going from pill to bottle to different pill back to bottle. All to keep my head on my shoulders, my back & hip from throbbing and to make me sleep through a night. Feel like the bottles and pills are gonna be the end of me.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I agree with you there.

Painful One, I will sort this out. I have to use etizolam for a bit for reasons beyond my control. It is survival mode.

I came to a conclusion after northern girl posted (sorry I couldn't appreciate your post as much as I should have, I am trying not to die here and it's hard to focus my memory is shot)

That conclusion is something I would like opinions on? The only person in the medical community I have been in touch with in the past year is my GP. She is a pretty blonde who kind of reminds me of painful one in a way, her personality and I suppose looks lol. She is very smart but she would faint if I dropped this on her. I feel really bad for letting her down. But, she is the only compassionate and intelligent doctor I know.

She is also the only doctor I know who listens to me and respects me. She sort of manipulated me into the MMJ program to get information on it because she knows I'm a pothead but that is fine by me. I don't use the program anyway since I can't afford to yet. And I gave her way more scientific feedback than I bet she expected, she was impressed. She knows I am smart and not like some junkie off the street although to be fair that's really what I am. But she knows I have potential. She knows my family and stuff like we are good people and she knows how much anxiety there is especially with me.

She knows my anxiety is extreme she sees me having little shakes and tremors at appointments. If I just dropped this on her, stoned as fuck on indica and maybe on a xanax, and calmly explained to her that this is not as bad as it seems and be entirely truthful. And she knows I don't trust the medical system. She doesn't either. I could show her the Ashton Manual because she is all about scientific research, that's why she changes her opinion on my weed use so much I think. She says she sees that I am trying. She is the only person I trust and also I can tell she thinks I am cute which does not hurt the cause. Seriously. It helps lol. Especially when I am paranoid about stuff she is very reassuring.

But, she knows nothing about benzos and can be very controlling. This is different though this is really serious. I just wouldn't want her shipping me off to a psych I don't even know, I've known her since I was a teenager and she's close with my family. She doesn't like me on them to begin with and well I suppose this is why. For good reason, but I was already on them for years. She is also a bit of a rebel she hates the medical system so I feel like I could convince her that we are two intelligent and knowledgable people (in different ways that would work together for sure) that could work together to resolve this and I'm already committed to anxiety treatments and stuff like that. It's just if she reads the Ashton Manual she'll realize that a slow valium taper is the only thing that would ever work for me without needless suffering and it would still be a little uncomfortable; I would not feel quite right the whole time.

I would be relying on a lot of trust and compassion. I could get totally fucked over with a cold turkey and probably would but if I had to, it is the best chance I have. She is very smart and the only doctor in my life who I don't hate and who has never hurt me. I don't think she could just send me on my way. But I would have to convince her not to send me to a specialist because I know she is more than smart enough to taper me off these drugs if she was willing to work with me. Therein lies the problem. I'm not sure if she would be liable if anything happened and that would end it right there. But that is where I would start, I guess who the time comes. For now I will be in withdrawal for well 24/7 for the next week. All responsibilities ignored just focusing on lowering my tolerance and not running out (which is a huge possibility and would lead me right to my doctor).

At least I have another backup plan I think it's the best one because she cares about me I can tell she really does and she knows how bad my anxiety is and that I'm trying. She also knows I'm a brat so she wouldn't be all that surprised after the initial shock. I think she has a lot of patients on klonopin and would be interested in the Ashton manual anyway (it's obvious to me she doesn't know her benzos).

 

[dopiejay]

I hope you're doing well today dj and that you're not struggling like you have been. That sucks.

You are such an awesome person, you mean so much to us here. In case you didn't know. ; )

I'm here if you need me.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Thanks a million dear it means a lot. I am struggling as hard as one can unfortunately. Feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I'll be alright someday though. One day at a time.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah dopie jay one of the hardest parts is that it is not a straight line to recovery. Sometimes I wake up fine other days I wake up feeling like shit every morning, sometimes I sleep for days other times nothing at all, and there is no correlation with anything at all it seems.

 

[dopiejay]

Yeah dopie jay one of the hardest parts is that it is not a straight line to recovery. Sometimes I wake up fine other days I wake up feeling like shit every morning, sometimes I sleep for days other times nothing at all, and there is no correlation with anything at all it seems.

Wish I knew this before hand. I knew when I was younger this would always happen but I just didn't care. Now the drugs are catching up to me. Should of known it would be complicated but I always had a 'plan' that I would taper and have no problem. Lol, what a fuckin idiot I was.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Man, I can relate so much to that. I even bought Ibogaine for the future shortly after I started using opiates. The first one I did was heroin, I knew what I was getting into but it was so stupid. I planned on using it daily from the start, benzos the doctors gave me and they have been in my system ever since. There is a lot more I could have tried but I was getting nowhere and it had been a couple of years.

The problem I find with valium is that it breaks down into a bunch of different benzos I think one of them is temazepam for example. I didn't know this, and it makes for a messy withdrawal cause you have benzos going all over the place. It's still probably the best one to taper with because of its low potency.

I was the dumbest kid that ever grazed the face of this planet. So stupid. As if I thought this stuff would never catch up with me. I was either in education with loans or working career jobs so the amount of money I spent was insane. The drugs always came first, it's fucked like that. I have no idea what I have been thinking for the past 15 years.

So, benzos and weed both cause me a lot of digestive issues. Point being I need to completely alter my diet, I have realized. It is based on an athlete's diet that I have kept up for years after the chronic pain and I am more sedentary now. I don't think I can handle very much meat. Probably so little that I will go back to being a vegetarian. However what I'd really like to do is find a way to replace most or all of the dairy products I like with nuts and whatever vegans have instead. I wouldn't know. And I need to be having healthy stuff like that yeast full of B vitamins, I really need to get into nutrition if I want to recover and I can't be lazy. I cannot be lazy. I already sort of see what my new diet is going to be like. I'm going to drop weight but since I just do yoga it's chill. I'd like to maintain the weight as my pants have been falling off me more and more. I noticed recently and like, fuck. I'm about as skinny as I was getting in opiatewithdrawal and just getting started.

I was just about vegan at one point so I pretty much know how. I just have to cut out the dairy somehow and I am beginning to realize how. This is all for the sake of digestive complaints. I need to eat little bits of things throughout the day, instead of larger meals now, and I have to generally I think avoid complex carbohydrates but honestly I'm not sure... I've always had like a keep the weight on or weight gaining diet and still my weight fluctuates a lot. But if I am in this type of withdrawal, I think I am going to have to become a vegan. I was thinking about it for a long time anyway and was almost there, just really like cheese haha and I guess eggnog lol.

This stuff is the devil. Yeah, I always had a plan too. For the longest time I had so many benzos I never thought I would run out of them. I knew it would be years away so I didn't care. Now I certainly care because I know this stuff kills people at my age which is completely fucked. I have not worked incredibly hard for most of my life to by torn apart by a fucking benzo. I also need to know how dangerous seizures really are and what to do if I find myself on the floor like the best thing to do.

 

[ShroomySatori]

The herb mellows me out though, the good stuff. So picky with weed. I've got a close to full indica now that is really good for benzo wd's. CBD was helping a lot yo you should be taking that if you are not. I didn't like it before benzo wd, interfered with THC too much. It helps with the racing thoughts in withdrawal.

I have seen better days. I have had days where I woke up at the family cabin in the woods without a worry, had so much weed and no real tolerance yet, would go for a 10k run and have a huge breakfast, then go swimming, chill and read the whole news and parts of books. I had a good life and I was going somewhere.

Ever since I hurt my back, my life has been fucked. Ever since the very first day I woke up with it hurting my life has gone downhill.

Finally though, I have realized why I am so messed up right now. I was already only a year clean off opiates. There are still so many problems from that, like so many since it was cold turkey I've been having protracted withdrawals. I'm so unstable since it is 6 years vs. 1 year my body was really used to them. And now this, but I have faith that I will be okay. I have faith that I will learn from this - important lessons in finances, romance, friendship, morals and values, spirituality... if I survive and without too much brain damage and I def have brain cells to spare it will be a miracle. Wouldn't be the first time. I have to trust that I will be okay in the end because constantly worrying about dying is not making my anxiety any better.

I'm really interested in a vegan diet now. I have a plant based protein mom got me that is really nice. I know my nutrition well enough to be a healthy vegetarian for years as well and with weight. Just I feel the dairy products in this withdrawal are not good for me except in tiny amounts for energy. I need a lot of nutrients to repair my body. So I am really thinking about finally becoming a vegan and sticking with it but first I will cut out the meat that is easy at this point for me. I never had a reason. Just sort of realized I didn't need to eat meat and I am really trying to avoid that feeling of being bloated right now. That anxiety ridden stomach in knots. Snacks throughout the day but good ones. Not 3 meals a day my body can't handle that much food at once at the moment. I am really interested in changing my diet this way I think it is a great time to do this if I am ever going to as I am skinny as fuck anyway if anything I will gain weight.

 

[Painful One]

First off, you do need to be congratulated on an entire year off opiates Shroomy!!
That is a huge and an amazing accomplishment! Great job! Well done!

You should feel good about yourself for that!
We are all extremely proud of you.
You have made ALOT of progress!

This problem you are in now can be fixed. You said something that is very important, you said " I think I could feel better sooner than I think."
I know that is true. If you were to get your doctor to help with this situation and come up with a plan for you, one that you both agree upon and just stick to the plan, you would get feeling better sooner than you think.

I think your idea of just being totally honest with your doctor who you trust is the best idea. I don't think she is as naive about benzo's as she lets on and I don't think this is going to shock her too bad. Honestly. She is a doctor. She has dealt with worse situations I am sure.

I see no reason you need to suffer for the next week either. It is going to a be a bit uncomfortable getting used to whatever plan the two of you decide upon so why not just get started on that and by the time a week is up, you may just be feeling ALOT better!

I know your doctor would rather you come to her about this as you are in a dangerous situation here. Your life and well being means more to her then anything else. That is why she is a doctor. We are all only human. Shit happens. This is not a hopeless situation!

 

[Painful One]

Thank you. It's nice to hear that. I feel like I'm doing great with the taper and then the goddamn anxiety comes back when my system is benzo free and hits me like a truck.

I find with opioids my thoughts are too scattered to really have any anxiety and I'm pain free as well. I get irritable but I'll take that over crippling depression, anxiety and back/hip pain any day.

So this is my existence now. Going from pill to bottle to different pill back to bottle. All to keep my head on my shoulders, my back & hip from throbbing and to make me sleep through a night. Feel like the bottles and pills are gonna be the end of me.

I understand it is very hard to live in pain. As you know, I also live with this problem and it is so hard.

I'm sending you lots of support, love, and hugs!

One day at a time.

 

[Painful One]

Popping in to see how you're doing today PO? You and I are on such similar paths in life, and you're such a great person, if you ever need anything I'm here for you.

How are you feeling today?

New Years plans?

Hugs,
your friend.,
Ash.

Hey Ash,

Thank you my dear friend!
Your messages are always appreciated so much!
We definitely are in very similar circumstances and I have to tell you- I am so proud of how you are handling this problem!
You are a great person!

I always see you helping others and you must have a ton of private messages everyday!
You inspire me my friend.

I'm doing pretty good. Keeping stable on my medications. Eating healthy. Doing all I can to manage the chronic pain condition and I am trying to enjoy myself a bit here and there also! I'm so tired of this thing taking up my whole life. It is not my life! It is something I can live with. I'm trying to figure that out.

Feeling pretty good today. It is just this time of year- January seems to be the hardest month for me. The cold makes things hurt worse. The gloom and air quality suck. But I am trying to keep focused on the good and keep busy doing what I can and not stress over things. I'm finding other activities to entertain myself with.

New Years plans- well...I hate New Years. Lol! I have never been one that can stay up until midnight. I have the hardest time with that! I have always needed my sleep and I am usually in bed by 9-10:00 and sound asleep. So if I am up I guess I will light off some fireworks with the neighbors but if I fall asleep, so be it. Lol! I will most likely be sound asleep!

You doing anything fun? I hope so! Enjoy yourself as much as you can!

Sending you lots of love and please know that you are always in my prayers.

Love ya!

 

[ShroomySatori]

I am tapering harshly at home. For as long as I can manage it will be like this. I will tell my doctor next appointment but she isn't going to be able to help me on a whim. She is going to have a lot of serious thinking to do as well, so I should bring it up soon but for now I'm still on my own. I need to make sure they can't like, drag me away. Probably the 5 bong tokes and paranoia talking. I have plans of my own too, another plan I had and my first one was to only use etizolam and taper using that. It was going really well actually and I understand that withdrawal, not this one. I think that getting off benzos apart from etizolam completely is another option for tapering at this high a dose. Eventually, I will need to with to valium. Time will tell my fate. I can only do so much but this has already changed my life. I feel that I have come out of a spell of misanthropy, and that I wish to live despite life's hardships. I think it is worth it. This would be the worst possible way to go I can think of and with the tolerance I have I honestly wouldn't stand a chance. The tolerance is extreme even compared to very heavy addicts. I don't know how the hell it got this high, my friend was wondering the same thing. I think it's cause I started using benzos and opiates at the same time and then quit the opiates but that is neither here nor there. I am presently looking to survive the next week and get something done tomorrow. Today I managed to eat. I should eat some more too, I am spreading out the food so it doesn't tax my delicate digestive tract at the moment. I think a plant based diet or a diet full of healthy nutrients like I'm already doing with the shrimp and vegetables, but maybe tone down the complex carbs is a good idea. So less pasta noodles but maybe oats in the morning and fruit the rest of the day. I can already tell that diet is going to play a huge role in this, and so is confronting the anxiety and getting out and forcing myself to do things when I am ready for that. I'm not sure how long the seizure risk lasts for these are details I should look up but I have a lot to think about and might be up all night. I hope you are well by the way I just can't really concentrate enough to deal with anything but powering through this right now. I hope you are not feeling too much pain and I am sending you blessings! I hope I am okay and I should and that is a big should be getting a supply early next week that will last me easily a week. So, that would really give me some time to think things through as well. I know this can't go on, bit a week longer to think would be nice. My doctor could and probably would snap at me and do something drastic that could result in my death. It is possible. So, I have to make an important decision and I already have. For now I am tapering my ass off if I have a grand mal seizure or something I'd probably go to the hospital the same one I took my first fucking xan at.

 

[Painful One]

Ps: thank you for the compliments Shroomy!
It is nice to know I still seem smart. Heheh. And a good looking blond still.

If your doctor reminds you of me then you have no worries. She may seem stern at times but she was just trying to save you from the misery you are in. I think you will be surprised about how understanding and helpful she can and will be.
Just be honest and let her help you.

Let's get you on the path to feeling better! You have come so far already. All by yourself.
You can do this! It feels so much better when you have the right medications/ dosages and help.

 

[Painful One]

Well just be safe my friend. I worry about you.
They can't drag you off! Lol! You are not the only person to ever have this problem and some much worse than you I am sure!
Your mind is just feeling freaked out because you are in some withdrawal. You know how it amplifies everything to the extreme and later on you kind of laugh about some of the things you were stressing so hard about.

It's going to be alright. I understand you need to do what you gotta do to get through until you can talk to your doctor.
I'm not giving you any kind of shit. I'm just trying to help. I hate to see you suffering so bad.

Thanks for thinking about me while you are going through such a hard time. I'm doing good. No worries here. Right now at least.

The diet change is a great idea!