Man, I can relate to what you are saying about alcohol in a way. I have not run out of benzos since I started taking them, I have been on them non-stop for many years. I would never, ever intentionally in any way put myself in a situation where I would be without them. Ever. I always have a stash ahead of a stash but lately there have been some close calls. These close calls have given me a very real sense of life and death.
I am still 7 months off opiates (actually, precisely today I think my last script body that I had a mild OD on taking them all says Jan 3rd. I feel motivated this morning, and happy. I still have a huge benzo problem, but I had that before anyway. Abusing both of them at the same time, that is what I always did as the drugs synergize and you can use less of each one instead of more of one of them. Eventually I just ended up using way more of them both.
Man, you are not in a life threatening situation though. I'd probably trade my benzo habit for an IV heroin addiction in fact I totally would. Then I could simply cold turkey and be good in a year. That's what gets to me. The possibility of fatal seizures, how there is something that could actually kill me now. What if I went somewhere and lost it, or forget it, or something. I'd literally just die. I guess the medical system has been a lot more focussed on opiates but this problem is going to surface very soon it is happening to so many people, I am SO not the only one here and I always felt that way with opiates. I always used opiates alone. The one friend who smoked heroin with me did so as his ankle was messed up, and all he said about it was that it was a really amazing for a painkiller. When he asked for a line a year later, I declined, and I don't think just to conserve my stash although that was part of it for sure.
Man, if you started drinking again you'd end up both drinking and doing opiates for sure dude. Your choice though, and man, it's not really that much better being off the oxy. To be honest, my life still sucks. If I was using like you are and running out halfway through the month, I don't even know if I'd be any worse for wear. At least I'd be fully functional half the time, right now that is a ZERO.
Such a pothead, can't seem to wake up and not hit the bong until I physically can't anymore. Squeaky, I miss heroin. A lot. I often have fond memories of lines crushed down and ranked up on the glass table, afghan brown waiting to be snorted. Deep into addiction, scoring, doing that familiar line and knowing that for sure each and every time I will be good in 15 minutes.
I should be taking my benzos sublingually right? Especially considering that I have a sporadic appetite / diet and that I have a lot of digestive complaints anyway. My stomach feels like a knot. I don't always digest things the same, and the same doses seem variable in effect. Sometimes I guess they just last really long but the duration is stretched out enough that I don't feel it from so much stomach contents. If I had gotten really stoned and eaten way too much food or something.
But yeah squeaky dude it seems like you have to quit all of these so-called hard drugs to be free. I'd like to one day be exclusively a pothead but I don't see it happening with the benzos. It just isn't realistic, but a high therapeutic dose definitely is. I should keep away from the opiates, I fiend for lines of smack as much as I fiend bong rips except it can kill me. The feeling is killing me right now it's so fucking so fucking so fuck fuck fucking good. It's undeniable. Known as radical acceptance in recovery, my friend says. He was reading a book on that topic. One of my friends who disappeared. Thanks Painful One for bringing that up it fucking sucks SO bad because those two dudes were on my level, in different ways. And now I don't talk to men like that on a regular basis. I just mean that it's hard for me to take advice from people and have deep discussions like that on a daily basis that would last for hours and be highly intellectual. We held each other up when we were relapsing and stuffed, helped each other through withdrawals and times when we were all broke as fuck and scrounging for hits. I just don't know what happened it doesn't make any sense. One after the other, last year and then later this winter.
Today will be a good day. I totally fucked up my benzo taper and ended up getting fucked up. I plan on working on my resume and I think I actually will do it. I seem to be motivated by one thing... haha. (not drugs, although I require much more benzos) How ya doing painful one. I'm bored. On my 5th cup of coffee. Adding sugar today I almost never do. I wonder if I will ever get out of this mess. I really should work today or at least tomorrow when I'm not heavily sedated and mellowed out, on getting a job. Then I wouldn't be so isolated and meet people and a girl wouldn't be a problem it's frustrating for now I'm sort of in a bind. I have to have money, more work so that I can have more freedom. I will definitely be applying to those weed companies, seems right up my alley lol. It's like 1030am and I've already hit a gram in the bong and going for another rip. Can't control myself and don't even care. Just need to at least keep the dope in me lol.