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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Sounds like the Ibogaine could be helping and I am glad it is ShroomySatori!
You needed some relief from the post acute withdrawal B.S.!
Good to hear you are working on getting your weed consumption down. Also exercising and eating without the medical marijuana sounds very good. Just keep trying things. You are doing really good. Progress is being made, lots of it. Well done for that.
Please do document what the Ibogaine effects are. That may be a very helpful thing for lots of people.

I am praying for you Squeaky. Hang in there. I am in the same type situation just not quite as many days using loperamide. I did get it down to only being four days without this month and just got my prescription also and I have also been cutting out all the loperamide. We can do this! The lope has symptoms that suck but pass quickly so just hang in there and we will be good in a few days. I am trying to keep my dosage as close to normal as possible.
 
I experienced perception of self-design on Ibogaine, which is related to the roots of the habit and how they relate to my experience of life in past, present, and future. For one. I feel like it "modulates" dopamine and serotonin and mu-opioid and all these receptors, it possibly could have some sort of stabilizing effect. The pharmacology of Ibogaine is very complex and it interacts with the body in many different ways.

I am still trying to taper down my benzo dose. Not going so well. I can make it 5 days then I seem to freak out. Today was horrid. Horrid. Ghastly day. I didn't do a damn thing and felt retarded, in pain, extremely anxious and just stupid. Was ignoring responsibilities and not taking care of myself. So I am taking a slightly higher daily dose now. I think it is wiser to have the medicine actually work at least some of the time so I can take care of myself when I am tapering. It is just shitty that I have to start at a higher dose. Etiz has a 3.5 hour half life which is insanity for withdrawal. It comes on harsh as fuck, like oxycodone. It's a really bad one to try and treat chronic anxiety with but for tapering it is great I find. Since I know it so well, and it is so easy to get in and out of severe withdrawals.

I'm just wondering if I'm making progress by going through 5 days of hell and then taking the weekend to dose a little higher and take care of my body and mind. I feel like I am, I mean, I'm in hellish withdrawal most of the time. It's going to take a while.

I started shaking out of nowhere today. Like really trembling, it was scary, my whole body felt tingly too. I took a bong rip instinctively and the shakes almost immediately went away. It was crazy. But yeah, today broke me. I had to get my friend I work with to come over here not to his place and he was pressed for time. Sucks, but lucky I interact with a chill person who understands mental illness as they have ADHD and are unmedicated cause of our health care here taking so long.

That makes me nervous in many respects. The shaking out of nowhere, and in particular how weed cured it. I hadn't smoked in like 8 hours and I've really been cutting back. If it is stopping me from having seizures in benzo withdrawal that is nerve-wracking because it means I can't ever run out when I'm tapering.

So for this scheduled dose I just ended up staggering it and triple dosing. Can't handle another day of this fucking nightmare. It is going to be like opiate withdrawal where I learn to deal with the extreme power of it more and more. At this point, I'm still in post-acute withdrawal and definitely need to take breaks for the sake of my health and sanity!
 
Painful One, you know I am a major stoner. I'm in it for life. I can cut back for a couple days but then I compensate. That is a big issue for me. If it's not one thing then it's something else or a combination of destructive habitual tendencies. I can't see myself quitting anytime soon, it is healthy that I am taking days where I hardly smoke though.

Considering telling my doctor about this benzo situation. It is completely out of control and I don't have the finances to get it under control myself or I would switch to a really high dose of valium and go from there. Not my oxy doctor the one who is actually compassionate and smart and a bit of a rebel. Only doctor I trust.

Today I am good, the Ibogaine continues to help with the depression in some strange dissociative/psychedelic stimulant way I can't quite put my finger on. It's metabolite is a potent and very long acting SRI and psychedelic (after a week or so I'm starting to get closed eye and some open eye visuals from the same doses) so I think it might have antidepressant effects. I'm in it for the trip, and any possible therapeutical effects encompassing post-acute wd's. Planning on smoking compulsively. I hope I can get more of those rather large kind and cheap nugs I got last night.

Anyone who is trying to kick, for whatever reason, should research Ibogaine in my opinion.
 
Shroomy, that's something I notice in myself since I did ibogaine and got off opiates. I can think about them without triggering myself. In fact I regularly (much less now but a lot at first) have opiate dreams when I'm using them. But in the dreams, it's ALWAYS me using them just to avoid withdrawal, and feeling all that shame and anger at myself, and fear. They seem SO real every time. Every time I'm like, fuck, I had dreams like this in the past, WHY didn't I heed them?? Then I wake up and I am filled with relief that I haven't done any opiates and it just reinforces how much I do not want them.
 
Im busting my ass now trying to quit Lyrica. Holy crap!!. I think its harder than opiates. I havent had a decent sleep in a week. My Ativan use is way up, and so is oxy. Im off Loperamide for 5 days now-that might be causing my insomnia.
Overall I feel crappy, dirty, greasy, tired. And Im still taking 200 mg Lyrica per night. I think I should just quit cold turkey.
 
Getting an ounce of med grade girl scout cookies and enough benzos to last me a couple weeks or longer if I don't abuse them. Guess I can't complain.

Post-acute withdrawal is shit if this is what this is. I seriously feel retarded... pokemama if you are around was it like this for you as well? I feel like a fucking dumbass and it has been really close to 7 months now. Like I lost a part of myself I'll never get back. Like a horcrux from Harry Potter. A piece of my spirit will reside within that dope forever more. I hope I get smart again this is ridiculous. The total lack of energy to do anything but lots of initiative to get going there are too many conflicting problems I'd prefer to ride out the damn sickness or be high than this and there are most definitely cravings. Miserable and I have no idea if I'm wasting my time or not as I can't function like this. I can function on dope.
 
That feeling of hopeless despair you describe Shroomi is exactly what I am worried about. I used to think cold turkey was what would be best for me, but based on what I have read..... maybe not.

It took months/years to change the biology of my brain with opiates. I wonder now if the best way to put it back to the way it was is to do it more slowly. Forget about the actual pain and suffering with cold turkey. What if it is so badly damaged that there is no way to fix it without doing it in stages and let it grow in the same, slow way a newborn baby grown new brain cells and new connections? What if going too fast causes something similar to scar tissue and tapering is not just for those who want not to suffer?

I have read that some people go so far as to taper all of the way down to one 5mg norco per day. Then 1/2 that pill per day. Then even to 1/2 that pill every second, third, or fourth day. Maybe that could solve the problem of bad, lobg term problems like what you are suffering Shroomi.
 
Man, I can never take an opiate or opioid again, in any dose, under any circumstance. Ibogaine at around 100mg is there for me when I need it.

I am doing very well considering I'm pretty sure I snorted enough dope to really mess up my nose over that many years. It has only been 7 months.

Next up is getting my weed use down to a gram a day max. I did that today, it wasn't hard but it was a grumpy day. I smoked what I normally do first thing in the morning, in total.

I am on a benzo schedule to taper it's starting at a higher dose than I would like but I can probably make a couple steep drops at first.

Just trying to make it. Keeping healthy. I weigh out .100 grams of weed and smoke it every 4 hours. So far that is working out great and yeah, I have to be disciplined with weed like that or I'll smoke it with far too much hedonism.

The hopelessness and despair is almost refreshing as it is real. It is how I felt before I started to escape. I feel like I am reconnecting with my old self in ways. From the good old days when I was a harmless lil stoner.

I'm on about page 925 of my book. I remember one to two months in I still couldn't concentrate enough to pick up a book and read. I'm flying through this one and choosing another complicated hip postmodern novel to read next. It is one of my goals now to become very well read. I also want to start learning a second language again. I'm pretty much done detoxing it's time to cut back on the herb as I've been abusing it. The prospect is exciting for sure it's really not that hard to keep it to a gram a day and I never feel stupid from it then.
 
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ShroomySatori said:
Getting an ounce of med grade girl scout cookies and enough benzos to last me a couple weeks or longer if I don't abuse them. Guess I can't complain.

Post-acute withdrawal is shit if this is what this is. I seriously feel retarded... pokemama if you are around was it like this for you as well? I feel like a fucking dumbass and it has been really close to 7 months now. Like I lost a part of myself I'll never get back. Like a horcrux from Harry Potter. A piece of my spirit will reside within that dope forever more. I hope I get smart again this is ridiculous. The total lack of energy to do anything but lots of initiative to get going there are too many conflicting problems I'd prefer to ride out the damn sickness or be high than this and there are most definitely cravings. Miserable and I have no idea if I'm wasting my time or not as I can't function like this. I can function on dope.
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Hey,
I did not have PAWS so bad from the opiates withdrawal because I had been physically sick for so long that just not being physically sick, or dizzy or headachy or upset to my stomach was good enough. However, 20 years ago when I quit cocaine and alchohol, the PAWS went on for 15 months, until I got on antidepressants. I wasn't happy, but I was not as bad as the PAWS. It gradually got better and better, but it took some time for my brain to heal. My life was very stressful, though, at that time as I was raising 3 children and a lot was the fact i did not have time to take care of myself... just in survival mood... take care of the kids, go to work, wash, rinse repeat. The fun stopped when the cocaine stopped. I don't know if that helped, but the point is... there are consequences to drug over usage, and we don't know that ahead of time... well, going to jail or things like that... but such profound brain damage in terms of our neurotransmitters.... wow!! At least my kids are scared of drugs... they saw me suffer emotionally and have sidestepped some landmines, so far. Just keep up the yoga, the good nutrition, rebuild that brain matter.
 
Yeah, I just finished doing some yoga postures just here and then going for a really fast bike ride. Can I ever fly on that retro style road bike through the paved trails and meadows it is quite nice.

Definitely eating a lot of food, putting on some weight. Mostly healthy stuff and lots of garden things.

The medical cannabis is phenomenal. It is the quality of the high, and the potency, and aromatics. I'm not feeling any anxiety and a damn clean burn. The pure indica is amazing - earthy, woody, and pine describes tis aroma well. The 40/60 indica dominant has an earthy, sweet, and pungent aroma that leaves an aftertaste reminiscent of ginger cookies. These strains, I am surprised as the pure indica really helps me to focus. A lot more than most sativas, which make my mind scattered. Better for creativity, but thee are two phenomenal top shelf kushes. The hybrid is better for sleep and pain, it is overwhelming. Hindu kush is one of my favourite strains and the THC %'s are high. It really helps benzo withdrawal. There is a synergistic effect and I often wait before smoking a lot in interdose withdrawals. I am sticking to my benzo schedule it's hard enough learning to dose every 6 hours getting adjusted to it until I don't fee those 2 hours of withdrawal anymore than lowering my dose.

The big picture has to be kept in mind. My post-acute withdrawal I think is so bad because I have so many other problems.
 
I think you hit the nail on the head... recovery from opiates requires addressing the problems that caused (or worsened) the addiction in the first place. Opiates make a great hiding place, for a while. But then they become a much bigger burden, and when they're gone, the problems are still there. I've been enjoying seeing how the ibogaine has helped you to see a bit outside that... grab this chance by the hand and run with it!
 
Thanks Squeaky. Interesting.
Are you having a hard time finding loperamide? I was lucky to find one 48 count bottle and had to go to four places to find that!

I thought I would check in and let you guys know I'm doing alright. I had a house guest for the last month. I had a really good time but I'm exhausted now. I really had to use more medication to be a proper host and I am going to be having some very painful days (like 10!) coming soon if I can't find some more lope!

I did manage to do some things I have not done in years and to have some fun! I am trying super hard to push myself. I need to have some enjoyment and rebuild a life somehow around the disability I have.
 
Too depressed to say much summer flew by. I didn't do anything and I still don't feel anything close to right. In tears. How did things get this bad there's no way out. I completely lack self confidence to the point that I can't even function. I slept from Saturday until Tuesday morning about 90% of the time. Before that it was weeks of insomnia. It's not that though. I don't have the self esteem to talk to girls or get a job so what the fuck am I doing here wasting my time. There's just NO confidence when there is NO reason there should not be.
 
ShroomySatori, I heard that there are places in Canada (medical cannabis growing) that are hiring people just like you. CanapyGrowth is hiring right now. You have a lot of knowledge and wisdom regarding this subject and could really help others and make some money while getting some support from others just like us whom are struggling to get our lives back.

I know it really helps to help others and gets our minds off how badly we are feeling for awhile.

Don't give up my dear friend. I have found that the more I do things that are really hard for me, the easier those things get. Areas that I thought I had lost my entire skill set in have returned by forcing myself to do some of those things again. This in itself is making me more confident in myself.
 
The more I think about it the more I realize that I am more like the person I was in my early 20's before all this just with a lot more problems and I already had issues. It is possible I might not live very much longer.

I do not think I am recovering physically from opiates anymore as I feel the same. I feel that I am stuck with the same lack of self confidence that heroin made it so easy for me to get jobs. Just not keep them, over time I would get sick one day or whatever. The only time in my entire adult life when I functioned and did well at my job was when I was into dope. I think the chronic pain really messes with my self esteem and energy levels and I don't acknowledge that enough. When I was on H, I was functional. I'm not anymore and it has been 7 months but it isn't an option because it isn't compatible with romance.

The weed and benzos simply have to go, I am already tapering benzos and weed is more of a "resistance of compulsion" thing which I suck at. I really need to quit smoking all day though I feel it in my lungs and it's making me very clearly slower and dumber, as usual when I get to the later stages of cannabis addiction.

As soon as I get a career going everything will fall into place... or will it. Those yoga girls would be all over me if I had a job in my field since when I told one of them I had that degree all of the foxes I know there mentioned it at some point. This is frustrating, but it makes sense. They are also just really friendly towards me when I'm not too stoned to communicate or concentrate very well, and friendly anyways as they are aware I'm messed up. It is hard to hide having a shift to go to. One good thing is since I didn't go all summer pretty much, it is like encountering them from the past. That is good as things had stagnated I wasn't going to meet anyone there.

I don't think I need a job for that. The cookie will crumble the way that it crumbles. So long as I am putting a lot of effort in and have spare change for dates and a car, and keep up with the yoga as that is my exercise I will be good. I am clueless anyway but I was unemployed and kicking smack when I met my last girlfriend and she was fun, interesting, intellectual, traditional. I just had a fiery spirit and that is all it took since the potential for a good near-future is obvious. Then when I was working like in the middle of nowhere and had one of the few corporate jobs in the area and an awesome house I was too shy to talk to them. So it is not about the job or any of that to me or some linear progression through life. It might be a very happy time for me one day. I was always pretty damn happy up until the problems started.

I'm pissed at myself I feel like I have completely wasted this summer. I could have done so damn much I swear it's the weed. I should be good by now. I wake up and smoke 10 bong rips before breakfast. I am so pissed that my vaporizer / dab rig was confiscated at least I wouldn't be hurting my health so much. I am obviously not trying enough and all I seem to want to do is sleep. I'm not a normal pothead I've spent probably 5k on weed so far this year fucking easily.

Cannabis can be a way to teach me not to be so greedy, since it's useless to me, and I am extremely attached to it simply due to pathways in the brain related to addiction / compulsion that causes me a lot of problems including financial ones and I could just smash my stupid bong and not scorch my lungs anymore... another concern. I don't want to get throat cancer down the road from burning the hell out of it with scolding hot smoke day in day out.
 
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I bought 96 count Loperamide on Ebay. Got a bunch. I read that even Ebay will be complying with the FDA and limit sales of bottles larger than 200ct. I ran out of oxy again, so Im on lope again. Sucks.
 
I hear what you are saying my friend. The chronic pain is devastating to a life. I also underestimated it and learned the hard way that I had to manage it. Problem is that "managing" it takes all my time and focus. I'm trying to find a way to live with it and still have a life of some kind of quality. I realize it is going to have to be a very slow paced, stress free, lifestyle.

I hope I can find a way to at least be of use to others in some way. I feel utterly useless a lot and wonder why God even keeps me alive since I am doing nothing productive or helpful to others it seems. But then again, I am not giving up my fiery spirit without a fight to the death so I have hope, experience, compassion, and knowledge to use to help me to be of service to others. I do need to get some income going also.

Nothing is going to be possible for us without our health though so that is the main and only priority right now. Keep your focus there. The rest will fall into place. As you said, "the cookie will crumble how it crumbles". Try not to be so anxious about it friend. There really isn't anything that can happen to us now that will be worse than what we have already endured.

Take it slow and easy and don't beat yourself up about things so much. The energy levels are a real concern I know. The chronic pain just takes so much out of you. Be sure to get your sleep and try to keep that regular. That is the number one thing that helps I have found. It is absolutely the single most important thing to keep you functional.
 
Squeaky said:
I bought 96 count Loperamide on Ebay. Got a bunch. I read that even Ebay will be complying with the FDA and limit sales of bottles larger than 200ct. I ran out of oxy again, so Im on lope again. Sucks.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the information. I will be joining you in a few days on the running out of MS Contin and switching to some lope.
I'm going to try and use very little lope and go through some torment in an effort to get my tolerance back down so I am not stuck in this cycle anymore. I am starting to get withdrawals from the lope! I'm not looking forward to it. I have managed to get some high grade medical cannabis strains, one for day and one for night, and I am hoping it keeps me from puking my guts out for days.
I am going to use a very small amount of lope too for a very short time and just pray and hope for the best.
 
You should definitely not give up on the income. I shouldn't either and I'm not but I have been an on/off stoner all my adult life and have a horrible work record as a stoner. Which is why I still haven't smoked. I need to be able to wait until the end of the day. It seems like it is in your nature is to help others. That is one thing you can still do, and are doing. You can reach so many more people with money. You need an idea, maybe. I need to make sure I'm sane enough that I don't get fired again.

The limitations are horrible. I could at least be cutting grass or doing interlock... I always had jobs in the summertime before this. And then, there are all the workplace conflicts and how people don't understand and even are ignorant enough to think you might be faking it.

My sleep has been so messed up lately. It sucks when you are in withdrawal and are physically incapable of taking care of yourself when it is the time you need to most.

It is like we are giving each other similar advice and recommendations. I'm avoiding caffeine today because I dropped my benzo dose and also I haven't smoked weed yet. I rolled a 0.5 gram joint and stashed it away out of sight. I can smoke it at midnight. This is a huge deal for me, if I can keep it to one joint at night every night. Or a few, if I have the money but only when it gets dark. Not first thing in the morning that's insane for me.

Couldn't sleep last night even after a super heavy yoga session. I'm so sore all over today. I think yoga gives me energy though, afterwards. I'm going to be withdrawing the rest of the summer from these other drugs. Autumn is my favourite season though and I realized that since it is August 1st it would be a good time to attempt this one joint a day thing. It would change my life, I've quit several times and I know I don't need it right now. I have felt dead inside all day.

You begin to get concerned about other people you know who use these drugs, y'know... I've had 3 friends disappear and have no idea.
 
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