Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Yeah, you are totally right. We are giving one another similar advise. It's like we know what we need to do but just cannot quite get there. For me, the main problem is that my core is damaged. Lower back, sciatic nerve, liver, and especially this huge hernia lower right side. Keeps me from being able to stand, walk, sit, for very long. How does one live with that?

I have had totally debilitating, vision knockout migraine headaches since I was 16 years old which disable me fully but was still able to have two businesses, numerous careers, a daughter, husband etc. but I can't work around this freaking injury to my core. The pressure is just too much. That is what caused the hernia. The pressure in my core actually ripped a tear in my stomach lining.
That is some pain! So much pain that I can't concentrate for very long, have to move around and constantly change positions and all kinds of stuff.

I'm not giving up as you are correct that it is in my nature to help others. I have always had a strong desire to do so but even more so after having a near death experience. I am going to have to get creative on my new life and career. :)
 
Ps: sorry to hear that you have still not heard from your friends. It is a huge concern. We can at least watch out for one another.
I hope you hear from them soon! Also, good idea and job on coming up with a plan for using the marijuana more medically. It has huge benefits when used sparingly and does not cause any side effects that I have noticed when used medically. Keep trying my friend. I will too.
 
Why can't we take our own advice? Is that progressive, and do the meds help very much? I don't know how you live with that.

Mine is located in the thoracic mid-spine. At first it was so bad, that I could not comfortably curl up in a ball on my bed. It is no wonder I lost my house and the best job I ever had. Fuck. Like I'm just thinking of where I might be right now if that didn't happen. It's hard to think about.

Yes I know all about the lack of concentration. One of my biggest problems. I just started a new book today, pretty excited but I haven't been reading it. I remember the days when I could just wake up lay in bed, not worry about drugs and just plan whatever in the mornings. It's not like that anymore I have to plan around things to get enough rest.

Didn't you say something about oats helping with that. My mind is completely blank right now since I haven't smoked. I couldn't scheme, be creative for the life of me. I have to get this over with before it is too late. I will meet a girl and will be pretty darn sad until then, but that is okay. There is so much I need to do it is overwhelming, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem if I keep the smoking to nights (i.e. if I wasn't so fucking high and spaced out all the time haha...)
 
When I smoke weed all I want to do is smoke more weed. If I start in the morning it's insane. I don't even feel it after the morning hits and it is such a waste of money using it that way. My lungs are really messed up from it too, to the point it is affecting my yoga noticeably. Since, I smoked an ounce in the past week and that was the last straw. That was my medical ounce to last a couple weeks. Since I still have weed, I have two options. Keep the hustle going and spending more and more money and not getting the medical benefits, or smoking a joint at dawn and dusk, the most peaceful times of the day. A gram a day habit, but the amount is not so important as the way it is used. I would say I use it recreationally, spiritually, as a health supplement, and medicinally but I turn into a total fiend when I smoke it all day. A lot of the reason this summer sucked is I was spending all my spare change on weed and also just bonging it inside and not wanting to leave as my tolerance got too high that joints, my favourite, became a waste of weed. Lesson learned, once again. It doesn't get bad until I've been at it like a year and with high potency chron. I pretty much just want to relax and get high, recreational is medicinal with weed. What I am doing now with cannabis qualifies as blantant drug abuse.

I really want to make it to midnight to smoke. I would feel very accomplished I've been craving it since 6am. This will benefit my life immensely. I can't just quit weed completely, that is insane to me. I will be a midnight toker though. It's going to be very tough to get there. The opiates I had to quit, this I do not but I sure feel stupid when I smoke a lot. By a lot, I mean pretty much mountains of the stuff that's sort of why I'm essentially a chain smoker with joints.
 
Well, look at it this way- you and I are in some mild withdrawal right now due to tapering down on medication and we are not very comfortable but it could be a whole lot worse, as we both know, so -when we do use our medications again they will be way more effective and will get us very high off small amounts. That is where we need to keep it. In the 'being functional' area.
I find that when I am using less MS Contin or marijuana that I actually feel more of a "high" than when I use larger amounts.
It gets to a point where you are just "DUH" ya know what I mean? It doesn't feel good even.

You probably chain smoke joints due to the severe anxiety and depression that chronic pain brings with it. I smoke way more cigarettes and I find them so disgusting but it gets me outside and is a distraction from the constant pain. We both need to find other things that are more healthy to replace the chain smoking.

Reading is a great idea. It is a rare day and a very entertaining book that can hold my attention though. A lot of the time I am in too much pain to read a book or to watch a movie. I have to kind of take it in bite size chunks.

Happy midnight toking to you! It would be ideal if you could just use a joint in the morning and one at night. Good job for making it all day today without it!

The medication does help me when used as prescribed it works pretty great but still falls short of making me fully functional. I gotta keep moving around until I exhaust myself. Sucks.
 
I am looking at it that way, with benzos. They stopped being effective I got a tolerance, overused them. I absolutely have to cut back now and it's good that I have a short acting one that will give me harsh withdrawals. I don't think 25% taper drops would ever give me a seizure but last time I began to tremble until I smoked weed. It only took around 5 days to stabilize at a lower dose - off xanax entirely, and out of valium and onto one benzo. At first I wasn't sure what dose but I found a good one and then after the first week it wasn't hurting so bad. I'm going to take as much pain as I can to taper my dose down for the sake of being able to afford this medication and to be on a physically safe, therapeutic prescribed dose. I'm feeling the withdrawals now.

They are in my upper arms still, as benzos are excellent muscle relaxers. I wonder if I just developed some sort of pain condition there, from the nerves firing in H and oxy wd's so often. Anyways, I am at a level where I am slightly uncomfortable but it's not that bad. It will worsen over the next 3 hours and the upper arm thing is from opiates I have heightened pain sensitivity now it's post workout muscle soreness.

My core is so sore haha it's ridiculous. I never was too good at getting my core muscles worked, hip flexors and stuff. Yoga makes me feel nimble and light which is great for chronic pain. I think a fair number of people with chronic pain do yoga, probably yin in particular. I do the intensive ones, it feels great to be fit. I feel great right now. I smoked a lot of bong, and I plan on smoking more.

Painful One I'm low on benzos and tapering a lot faster than I'd like and it's making me really nervous. That's likely why I didn't smoke today earlier... so I could struggle and not accomplish much of anything. Since with benzos I seem to feel it the next day, a taper drop. This is a harsh one I need to get through this. I don't really have any responsibilities. I could read, and apply for jobs if I can focus enough. I just need to stay focussed on that.

I was walking around the neighbourhood looking at all the houses and it made me sad. One day, I'd like to have a good life. Things can always get worse but I'm not happy. Just feel stupid. Can't get a job don't have a clue how to talk to girls and at my age I have several friends married, all my grad class friends own property. Like why the fuck can I not have a life too. This injury fucked my life. What the fuck honestly what the fuck how the fuck did I end up doing heroin. Even I never even had that thought cross my mind when I was fucked up doing drugs before the onset of the pain. That was back when OC 80's legit ones were a craze and I had no interest whatsoever didn't even seem like a drug of abuse... you mean a painkiller? Little did I know. How little.
 
I hope this benz drop goes well as I really have no choice in the matter. I'm starting to feel like shit.

Got real stoned though, gonna smoke some more weed. Sometimes during these taper drops though, I am too sick to even know to go get more let alone be able to drive there. I can't conserve weed when I start smoking it though lol.

Larimar I hope you are feeling well to be off the pills and with everything. Squeaky, that sucks you are running out of oxy. Not a good feeling. Why would they control loperamide makes no sense, what is there a loperamide crisis down there?

Painful One I don't want to look back on my life 5 years from now and think wow I continuously fucked my life up. It would be nice to have a country home and a girl by then. It makes me very nervous thinking about if that didn't happen. My current life situation is really grim. Hope you aren't in too much pain.
 
How is it going today Shroomy? Great job on getting that benzo situation under control. You will feel a lot better when those are working on a therapy level. I think you will find that you have way less anxiety as those can actually cause way more anxiety when overused. Just hang in there, the real bad anxiety only lasts a short time and then it seems to space you out so bad that the rest of the withdrawal isn't so bad. Just keep lowering it slowly and pay attention to your body. If your body starts to lock up- you are in danger of seizures. Keep stretching and walking. It helped me a lot when I went through the benzo withdrawal.

I am doing the same thing right now with my opiates- re: taking as much pain as I can and tapering. It sure will be nice to be able to just have our prescriptions be enough and we don't have to keep worrying about this stuff! I'm so tired of that. I'm willing to take whatever comes my way to get back to that point. It was so much easier when my prescription lasted the entire month and worked way better and I never had to endure even an hour of withdrawal. I'm going to fight my way back to that.

Hope you are not feeling too bad. Don't forget that weed does help. :) just a reminder in case you are too sick to remember.
We got this!
 
I was just about to ask you the same, before reading that. My timer just went off which means I can take a bong rip. Trying yet another method to reduce my herb consumption. Tiny, frequent tokes since when I waited I smoked way too much after. I'm just trying to save money so that I stop running out all the time.

The anxiety med is absolutely causing me increased anxiety but I'm not getting panic attacks anymore. Or maybe it has been so long I just deal with them better. However it can't really treat social anxiety if one is taking a dose high enough that it would kill them if they ever ran out. I am finding myself very anxious, and surprisingly, less socially anxious when I am suffering withdrawal. Very physically tense though, and stupid enough to make it hard to drive a car. Shaky a bit.

Thanks I really needed to hear that first paragraph. I am running low again, and it isn't fun when I'm broke. I'm tapering faster than I would want to. I feel like I could do this and hardly notice if I had the supply and a year to do it. Anyways, I ended up getting more which is definitely a great thing as running out is life threatening. I got very lucky getting more and it isn't so much that I will use more. I am keeping with my torture doses despite the increased supply and how tapering just a little more would be pain free. The dose drop is 25%. I should be okay in a week but I have to drop even more. I've been trying to keep active, yeah, helps a lot with the stomach in knots feeling.

I agree. That is exactly what I am doing right now and it will benefit my life so positively to stabilize my mental health and also I will be saving myself ridiculous amounts of money and stress. I am not finding it that bad. It is debilitating don't get me wrong but so far I was surprised at how fast the taper stabilized. I heard two weeks it was nowhere near that. Then when I get down to lower doses which really won't take long since I don't have a choice in the matter, I have to do this, I can slow right down at the tail end since it will not be so much of a burden on my life and body and mind when I am taking a reasonable dose.

I'm not going to do the back-and-forth thing this time. No extra doses for anything whatsoever. This is the priority right now because it won't take long and I have about a one week window to drastically lower my dose. It has to be the most important thing in my life right now and then I will have a normal prescription for a severe chronic panic condition. I will feel so much better and it doesn't have to be that hard if I just stick to the taper and never make exceptions. I'm on a dose right now that took a while to find but is great for the level of pain I am in. It is not head bashing or anything like that.
 
You are doing great my friend. I think the timer thing for taking a hit of weed is an excellent idea. You don't want to go through any withdrawal from that on top of what you are already enduring. I think that by keeping a little of the medical cannabis in your system all the time is a good thing right now. You really don't need to smoke ten bong rips, that is just overkill and I don't think it really has anymore of an effect. Neither do I think that smoking less of it would cause any other withdrawal. Keep it steady.

I'm about to go have a bit of cannabis myself. My stomach is pretty upset and my legs hurt really bad but not nearly as bad as full blown acute withdrawal. I am using the last of my MS Contin very carefully because it is not going to be fun when I run out of those.
I was able to sleep so that helps.

I agree, no more back and forth, no extra doses for ANY reason! We will feel and function much better once we get back to our prescribed doses and we won't have to keep going through this! Apparently every time we put our bodies through this we are making the withdrawal more and more intense due to the kindling effect. I just keep looking at the pain as this is the last time I am doing this and every pain is progress at getting tolerance down and having our medication work more effectively and make us feel better from it instead of worse!

I'm glad what I said helped. It is true. I know it is hard not to panic during the benzodiazepine withdrawal during that acute anxiety stage but it goes away fast. Clears out quickly.

It really helps me to have you here to talk to and to encourage one another! Thanks!
 
Benzo withdrawal has been messing with me so bad, I had to up the dose from a 25% taper cut I wasn't in pain but I was going insane like actually. I have a serious habit to contend with.

It's going to be tough. My anxiety was extreme before I was prescribed them. Panic attack after panic attack for a solid year I was becoming an alcoholic and really should have been in the ward back then. Probably would have enjoyed it there too.

Painful One I am still recovering from the withdrawal although I upped my dose to try and get healthy. My body is still in shock, thank you for the nice message to read. It helps me as well.

So I stocked up on the benz in fact I got really lucky I shouldn't have been able to afford it but budgeted more for dope and somehow had just barely enough. I've had so many close calls where I almost ran out and that would be a total disaster.
 
Im focused on getting through today. Just trying to kill time until bedtime. Fortunately I took my last oxy at 6am, so if I can make it to bedtime I can feel like I have completed a whole day (since I have benzos and Loperamide helping me sleep). I get 8 hours for free.

When I think about how long this has been going on I realize that I have gone through some form of withdrawl every four weeks for 18 months. Now it is just more sad since I use all my pills in 1/2 the month. Its really depressing. I want to be free again. I miss booze. I NEVER ran out of alcohol.
 
Man, I can relate to what you are saying about alcohol in a way. I have not run out of benzos since I started taking them, I have been on them non-stop for many years. I would never, ever intentionally in any way put myself in a situation where I would be without them. Ever. I always have a stash ahead of a stash but lately there have been some close calls. These close calls have given me a very real sense of life and death.

I am still 7 months off opiates (actually, precisely today I think my last script body that I had a mild OD on taking them all says Jan 3rd. I feel motivated this morning, and happy. I still have a huge benzo problem, but I had that before anyway. Abusing both of them at the same time, that is what I always did as the drugs synergize and you can use less of each one instead of more of one of them. Eventually I just ended up using way more of them both.

Man, you are not in a life threatening situation though. I'd probably trade my benzo habit for an IV heroin addiction in fact I totally would. Then I could simply cold turkey and be good in a year. That's what gets to me. The possibility of fatal seizures, how there is something that could actually kill me now. What if I went somewhere and lost it, or forget it, or something. I'd literally just die. I guess the medical system has been a lot more focussed on opiates but this problem is going to surface very soon it is happening to so many people, I am SO not the only one here and I always felt that way with opiates. I always used opiates alone. The one friend who smoked heroin with me did so as his ankle was messed up, and all he said about it was that it was a really amazing for a painkiller. When he asked for a line a year later, I declined, and I don't think just to conserve my stash although that was part of it for sure.

Man, if you started drinking again you'd end up both drinking and doing opiates for sure dude. Your choice though, and man, it's not really that much better being off the oxy. To be honest, my life still sucks. If I was using like you are and running out halfway through the month, I don't even know if I'd be any worse for wear. At least I'd be fully functional half the time, right now that is a ZERO.

Such a pothead, can't seem to wake up and not hit the bong until I physically can't anymore. Squeaky, I miss heroin. A lot. I often have fond memories of lines crushed down and ranked up on the glass table, afghan brown waiting to be snorted. Deep into addiction, scoring, doing that familiar line and knowing that for sure each and every time I will be good in 15 minutes.

I should be taking my benzos sublingually right? Especially considering that I have a sporadic appetite / diet and that I have a lot of digestive complaints anyway. My stomach feels like a knot. I don't always digest things the same, and the same doses seem variable in effect. Sometimes I guess they just last really long but the duration is stretched out enough that I don't feel it from so much stomach contents. If I had gotten really stoned and eaten way too much food or something.

But yeah squeaky dude it seems like you have to quit all of these so-called hard drugs to be free. I'd like to one day be exclusively a pothead but I don't see it happening with the benzos. It just isn't realistic, but a high therapeutic dose definitely is. I should keep away from the opiates, I fiend for lines of smack as much as I fiend bong rips except it can kill me. The feeling is killing me right now it's so fucking so fucking so fuck fuck fucking good. It's undeniable. Known as radical acceptance in recovery, my friend says. He was reading a book on that topic. One of my friends who disappeared. Thanks Painful One for bringing that up it fucking sucks SO bad because those two dudes were on my level, in different ways. And now I don't talk to men like that on a regular basis. I just mean that it's hard for me to take advice from people and have deep discussions like that on a daily basis that would last for hours and be highly intellectual. We held each other up when we were relapsing and stuffed, helped each other through withdrawals and times when we were all broke as fuck and scrounging for hits. I just don't know what happened it doesn't make any sense. One after the other, last year and then later this winter.

Today will be a good day. I totally fucked up my benzo taper and ended up getting fucked up. I plan on working on my resume and I think I actually will do it. I seem to be motivated by one thing... haha. (not drugs, although I require much more benzos) How ya doing painful one. I'm bored. On my 5th cup of coffee. Adding sugar today I almost never do. I wonder if I will ever get out of this mess. I really should work today or at least tomorrow when I'm not heavily sedated and mellowed out, on getting a job. Then I wouldn't be so isolated and meet people and a girl wouldn't be a problem it's frustrating for now I'm sort of in a bind. I have to have money, more work so that I can have more freedom. I will definitely be applying to those weed companies, seems right up my alley lol. It's like 1030am and I've already hit a gram in the bong and going for another rip. Can't control myself and don't even care. Just need to at least keep the dope in me lol.
 
Ah guys, it is hard to read our posts. We have gotten into a mess! I'm still determined to get myself out of it before it gets any worse. I was up at 3:00 a.m. Not feeling good. So I smoked some weed and managed to go back to sleep until now so I'm doing pretty good.
But I am still using my MS Contin! I'm just in withdrawal from tapering those and from lope! I'm finally getting over the lope withdrawal and I got to go back to it because I'm going to be out of MS Contin by tomorrow morning.

I am going to try and force myself to use very little loperamide. Then when I get my next prescription I am going to just take the correct amount even if I am in some withdrawal from the lope!

Hang in there guys. We just need to keep working away at this problem. Small steps everyday will lead to big change in some time.
 
Guys, I think we need to just take it day by day as Squeaky said. He is only focusing on today. We can all make it through today fairly comfortably so we are alright. Let's not stress until it comes time to do so.

We need to focus on the positives of our situations. Those are: we are all alive. We are not homeless or without help. We have great families. I was not able to move at all with my body almost completely atrophied and this time last year I was still whimpering and crying through my daily exercise program. Now I can lift my arms over my head, wash my own hair, walk on both legs instead of putting all the pressure on one leg. Bend. I managed to actually enjoy myself for my birthday this year and even had a little vacation.

Shroomy, you are not in near as much danger of dying. You no longer are an I.V heroin user. You have managed to cut out all opiates and you have also rebuild your body with exercise. That is huge! Not to mention your general well being and state of mind has improved so much!

Squeaky, you had total back surgery, rebuild and went through major surgery this last winter. You were on a ton more medication not too long ago.

Try and keep your heads up my friends. We can make it through this last taper down to where we need to be.
 
I have one Dr who says get off the pills. I have two more who keep writing prescriptions. My wife says she gates me needing pills, until she sees how much by body hurts and then she tells me to take them. Who/what do I believe

I want to go back to work, but only so this chapter of my life can be over. I want to never need BlueLight again, but I still do right now.

Feeling like Im sitting around waiting is the worst for me.

Shroomi- could you get to where you are dosing your benzos once a day? Even if it is a high dose. Then you could work on getting that dose lower until it is zero. I started using Ativan only at night. Tapering to zero is WAY easier that way for me.
 
The benzo situation is complicated, and a lot has to go on right now so I am maintaining the habit for now. Otherwise I can't function.

I don't think I am so much damaged so much as I am in a tough life situation at the moment. It could always be worse but it's a pretty boring and shitty life compared to how it was before I started really trying to quit last year. Ever since I got off that H I've never felt right and it has been a year now. 7 months for oxy though and it's to me the same thing. Kept relapsing with the prescriptions last year it was so stupid since I would withdraw repetitively and then tell myself I'd make them last. And I wouldn't do H I'd be sick as fuck each time until the scripts ran out and I never booked an appointment again. I'd have some explaining to do if I ever wanted them back it would be such a hassle and so full of lies I'd just do dope.

Painful One what I mean is that this is the around the time statistically that a lot of people die from heroin use - months to a few years after they quit. The absolute most dangerous time to use the drug is the first time of a relapse. I already totally overdosed, not like lips-blue OD or anything but I was blacked the fuck out nodding off falling over hardly conscious and also breathing very slowly and having people watch over me. From not using oxy for a couple months or even 2 weeks and then taking 160mg. When I was using, well, for many years I almost never ran out of either benzos or opiates and then I started losing jobs and eventually hit harsh withdrawal years in. But, I never felt like I was in danger when I had a tolerance. The idea of using it scares me now. I would want a lot more than I would need because of the habitually tendency the way that I was using it I'd pick up where I left off and my past normal dose would kill me now. This happens all the time but if you can make it to 9 months I believe statistically it's a really good sign.
 
Shroomy, I see what you mean but I believe that you can develop the ability to control your usage over time. I was able to regain that ability so I know that you can. It does take some time though and you are correct that until that time comes where you once again are able to be in control again, you are absolutely in danger of overdosing on them if you use them again. That is why you are not going to touch those kinds of medications right now. I hope we did not loose your missing friends in this manner. Please keep staying extra cautious about that! You have done excellent so far! Keep to that. You are loved very much by many!

I completely understand if you cannot taper your benzos right now. That is fine. You don't want to push yourself too hard at this point. I know we are all anxious to get our lives back (or at least some form of a different life) but if we push it too hard, too fast at this point we are putting ourselves in danger. Slow and steady she goes.

I found one way to kind of taper is to just cut out a dose or take a half dose here and there when you feel like you can do that with no problem. Sometimes the blood serum levels stay up there and you can comfortably skip a dose or a half dose without even noticing. I find it works best to just not put any pressure on yourself to do this but do it when you get the opportunity.

Squeaky, I so know exactly how you feel. I don't want to need blue light either but I still do and I am grateful to have you friends here. You guys have been great, helpful, supportive, caring, understanding, non-judgmental and fellow brothers/sisters.
 
Thats what I need too. Nonjudgmental friends. Its unbelievable the lack of understanding I get from friends and family. Where I sit right now really sucks. And having people look at me like they know what my problem is, or what I should do to fix it.... it really only makes my situation worse.
 
I miss my support friends so much they became more than that we were and are brothers I just have no idea what happened to them. One was shooting coke and meth, the other dilaudid and a hell of a lot for each of them. People I could relate to in ways that I really can't with anyone else right now. It was more than just the drug use as well, they are mentally ill, broke, single, etc. and have those kinda problems so we'd just be chill and yeah it really sucks that I don't even know.

Painful One thanks for bringing them up I wonder if I will ever get a random text one day... wouldn't be surprised if it was a meditation retreat or jail or something lol.

Yeah dude I have nobody to talk to. I did before and those bros it really helped because we all cared for each other a lot. Was gonna go to one dude's wedding, another to visit.

I can handle being in benzo withdrawal for part of the day like I have been in benzo withdrawal for around 6 hours but I dosed 20 minutes ago I'll be fine. I can do it like that a little piece taken away at some time of the day when I can handle it, but I can't do a full taper right now and risk having a seizure on such a high dose because I'd end up fucked and possibly dead. I need to be careful with that shit.

Ever smoke a strain called green crack? It's amazing. A really stimulating sativa that doesn't seem to make my mind go off on so many tangents like a lot of sativas too. Just gets me really euphoric and stimulated to do stuff, it's good for depression. I am testing today, if it is an okay muscle relaxer too a lot of sativas like UK Cheese are.

Been in benzo withdrawal like all day and it's making my spine burn now... when the dose kicks in it will feel pleasant and I'll be functional. I was going to say chill, but I'm already mellowed out about being in withdrawal. After all, I'm stoned as fuck on that green crack.
 
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