Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[Squeaky]

Today is the first time I actually feel hopeful. It’s a bit like when you have had the flu for a week. Fever, chills, nausea, etc. This feels like the day after the fever broke and your appetite starts to return. Not even close to normal yet, but it really feels like the worst of it might be behind me.

I can actually say that my craving for pain meds is slowly decreasing. This time last year I was trying to convince my Dr to give me more. Now I’m telling him to give me less and I’m actually happy about it.

 

[Squeaky]

T

And my thought patterns are becoming more and more negative. It's not just me I don't like, I'm not keen on other people any more either. I'm oversensitive to bloody EVERYTHING.
This is my longest abstenance in years from pods, 28 days, but I still got buprenorphine, kratom and weed. Ditched the other meds, don't want even more habits.
So if those three combined leave me feeling like this it's very tempting to go back to being happy.
This is where I ought to read back over my own posts and remind myself I decided to grow up a bit.
Anyone care to remind me why I'm doing this?

The last bit of opiate wd’s to leave is the psychological stuff. From the research I have done it could take up to 2 years to get back to normal. I personally have zero patience for stupid people when I run out of meds, and it doesn’t even begin to get better for a week or more.

Imagine 2 years from now.... looking back any being proud of yourself for quitting. I try not to do it but sometimes I think about all of the times I could have quit a few years ago and I’m pissed at myself. I could be done with it all by now.

 

[papercuts]

I’m stuck in hell. I’m the only breadwinner in my house, so I can’t quit the job I hate because it pays well. My back is trashed, but I can’t afford to be on disability so I have to work. The job causes me plenty of back pain so I go for the pills. And when they run out I live in perpetual withdrawal.

Utopia for me would simply be retiring. Work at home when I can. Stay in bed when I can’t. And give up the pills forever.

But it is as they say..... Wish in one hand. Shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

My buprenorphine patch is still killing pain in the background as I go through the last bit of withdrawals from opium.
The shapest pains I still feel, but the background noise of pain is well reduced and there is no way to take a few more without a lot of effort and bupe doesn't make you feel high either, it just numbs although I remember it lifting my spirits when I started it.

I feel for you in your unenviable situation and I understand you don't want something more to be addicted to, but your pain won't heal, mine won't heal either so I get palliative care which is not end of life care, I might live another 40 years and the plan is I'll have a patch the entire time until I die.

I'm ok with that now, I'm disabled without a patch. With a patch I'm a better person physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't like being disabled, it means a different category of person in my head, whereas I'm indestructible, I could always have a go at anything AND I'm disabled. That takes some getting your head around.

It's not perfect, but with pills I'd be exactly like you, binge & suffer on repeat.

 

[papercuts]

This is the 28th, that means that one month today I ended my holiday binge and began the great suffering without any pods or opium.
I gotta say I feel more normal than I ever expected by now, went out yesterday, talking to people without dosing up on anything first, it was fine, good even.
I think I can do this 99% of the time now, but shit when that 1% craving hits, it hits hard.

 

[Squeaky]

I don't like being disabled, it means a different category of person in my head, whereas I'm indestructible, I could always have a go at anything AND I'm disabled. That takes some getting your head around.

I have been working on this aspect also. It’s not reasonable to expect that I would always be young and strong until I’m 90 years old. Somewhere in my brain I was prepared for the slow and steady decline into old age. But I went from Mr Olympia to Mr Potato-head and it felt like it happened overnight.

It sucks getting old but it’s way worse when it’s so fast.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I have been working on this aspect also. It’s not reasonable to expect that I would always be young and strong until I’m 90 years old. Somewhere in my brain I was prepared for the slow and steady decline into old age. But I went from Mr Olympia to Mr Potato-head and it felt like it happened overnight.

It sucks getting old but it’s way worse when it’s so fast.

How old are you Squeaky? You're in your 40's aren't you?

Don't start thinking like an old fart just yet. You still have many good years ahead of you and i have read all of your 7 years of posts and your life is getting a lot better .

Hang in there and don't give up.

 

[Squeaky]

How old are you Squeaky? You're in your 40's aren't you?

Don't start thinking like an old fart just yet. You still have many good years ahead of you and i have read all of your 7 years of posts and your life is getting a lot better .

Hang in there and don't give up.

Close to 50.

My stress comes from this:
Several people have said I am the strongest person they ever met (physical strength). I lifted weights for a couple of decades. I never needed to fight anyone because I looked like someone you shouldn’t mess with. And I NEVER hired a mechanic, plumber, electrician, etc , because I did it all.

Now I can only really supervise instead of doing the work myself. I never had an ego. I was just determined and capable. My capabilities are mostly gone and I have to live the second half of my life knowing that I will forever need to hire people. It’s not the money or my pride.... I just don’t trust anyone to ‘do it right’, but I have no choice to let them take my money to ‘do it good enough’ and it’s never good enough. Instead I have to spend more time away from my family to work overtime and bring home extra money to pay for things that I once provided my family for free.

I guess on some primitive level it has damaged my manhood. I look around my home and see all of the great things I used to build. Not I see those things needing maintenance and it hurts to know that I can’t fix stuff that I once could create by myself. I have been caught off guard by how much it has affected me. Sprinkle in a pandemic and all I want is to take my pills and get back to work.

I know I’m not unique. But it doesn’t make it feel any better.

 

[Squeaky]

I miss sleep. I remember being young and sleeping through the night. Maybe get drunk, maybe not. It didn’t matter. I guess it was something I just took for granted. Now I wake up to go to the bathroom 5 or 6 times every night. I wake up before the sun and my body aches so much that all I can do is sit on the couch and wait 2 or 3 hours until my wife wakes up. I have had a good long sleep maybe 5 times in the last decade. It’s one of the times every day when I really miss the pills.... because they work.

It’s one of the reasons I point to when I’m trying to justify going back to the pills. But then I use them for everything else too. I end up using them during the day and poof! They’re gone and I’m sleeping worse than ever because I’m in withdrawal.

I know consciously that it’s not a solution but the little devil on my shoulder keeps explaining how important sleeping is. Next thing I know I’m fantasizing about how “medically necessary” the pills are. But the cure is definitely worse than the disease.

 

[Squeaky]

This is the 28th, that means that one month today I ended my holiday binge and began the great suffering without any pods or opium.
I gotta say I feel more normal than I ever expected by now, went out yesterday, talking to people without dosing up on anything first, it was fine, good even.
I think I can do this 99% of the time now, but shit when that 1% craving hits, it hits hard.

One month was a huge milestone for me. It has been the point when my mind feels basically good. Just don’t be like me. It takes a month to get here, but only 1 second to get right back. Ever get 90% through an impossible project, only to have it blow up in your face? It’s a horrible feeling to do all of the work and realize you have to do it all over again.

You should be really proud of yourself Papercuts. It’s a bit like the old joke about the guy who tried to swim across the English Channel: he made it 90% of the way across, decided he couldn’t make it, and then swam all of the way back. I have given up many times and gone back, and it feels really stupid to be back at the start line realizing I was so close.

 

[papercuts]

I'd almost forgotten what it's like to not need anything as soon as I wake up.
I've been up for ages and only had coffee.
I'm not in pain, I'm not unable to wake my eyes, I'm not hung over.
I'm still vaping more flower than ever, maybe this comfort means I woke up still slightly stoned from last night's fresh hash, I'm not beating myself up about it though. The audible hallucinations have stopped, external sounding voices coming from the washing machine and bickering voices inside my head all gone.
My uncle has paranoid schitso and I don't want that shit!

 

[papercuts]

Ah fuck, sorry to be swearing again but I just got no more words.
I've had this really bad jaw pain for months.
Today I been to the hospital and they xrayed me and promised an MRI within the next few weeks to check for any new tumours near the old scars, plus specialist physio to retrain my muscles and CBT for stopping bad habits (lol) like clenching my teeth or chewing my food.
Good old fentanyl was talked about again.
So basically the surgeon did a great job of removing the old tumour all those years ago, but now I got scar tissue where I'm supposed to have muscles and the jaw motion is all wrong which caused permanent damage to the hinge which they can't fix.
And it hurts.

34 days was pretty good going. One purpose of getting clean was to find out why I had this pain breaking through. Like I cut and bruise myself and never remember, I am numbed, but still had this bad pain.

I had a little taste of pod tea before going to my appointment because my bupe patch was running out and needed changed so for some reason that meant I had to quickly make some tea. It all was so quick, I was going to be late but was very pale and sweaty, can't go to hospital looking like that, they'd think I got covid. Or know I mess with my opies. Either way it was a good plan because it cleared my head, I remembered to say what I needed to, got on well with the staff and didn't feel sick at all.

After they told me they can't fix it I thought the rest of the pot was a good idea.

Kratom really fucks up your tolerance.

I'll be back on bupe tomorrow, I just need to relax and think this through tonight.

 

[papercuts]

I've not put on another bupe patch yet, I'm managing on weed and kratom until I feel properly sick, then I'll ditch the kratom and let buprenorphine rescue me. That way I think I can stop taking so much kratom, it's too expensive when you live in the back of beyond.
These painfully slow stepping stones down from addiction/dependence are the only way I can manage it. Slow and steady wins the race, so they say. Problem is I love my opponent, I don't always want to win.

 

[papercuts]

One month was a huge milestone for me. It has been the point when my mind feels basically good. Just don’t be like me. It takes a month to get here, but only 1 second to get right back. Ever get 90% through an impossible project, only to have it blow up in your face? It’s a horrible feeling to do all of the work and realize you have to do it all over again.

You should be really proud of yourself Papercuts. It’s a bit like the old joke about the guy who tried to swim across the English Channel: he made it 90% of the way across, decided he couldn’t make it, and then swam all of the way back. I have given up many times and gone back, and it feels really stupid to be back at the start line realizing I was so close.

The encouragement I get from you and others here means a lot to me, thank you. Even though we're all strangers we know how it feels in a way our nearest and dearest don't understand.
Our approaches have marked differences, squeaky I think we both have good futures because we are aware what we are doing and why and keep the bigger picture in mind.
I'm still 90% there, I just had a breather on a raft yesterday, the tide might have pushed me back slightly, but I'm good. Pod tea wears off so slowly you don't notice. Minimum of five days pharma meds only. Then repeat only if I need it. That's my rule. Yes, I know what that sounds like.

My son commented last night the word need gets very overused in the world.

How are you getting along Squeaky? First day of a new month...

 

[Squeaky]

The encouragement I get from you and others here means a lot to me, thank you. Even though we're all strangers we know how it feels in a way our nearest and dearest don't understand.
Our approaches have marked differences, squeaky I think we both have good futures because we are aware what we are doing and why and keep the bigger picture in mind.
I'm still 90% there, I just had a breather on a raft yesterday, the tide might have pushed me back slightly, but I'm good. Pod tea wears off so slowly you don't notice. Minimum of five days pharma meds only. Then repeat only if I need it. That's my rule. Yes, I know what that sounds like.

My son commented last night the word need gets very overused in the world.

How are you getting along Squeaky? First day of a new month...

I get my Percocet refill in two days. I’ll be down to 1/3 of what the Dr was giving me a year ago. I need to pull the trigger and just stop seeing him, but I’m not there yet. This last month was rough. I don’t think I realize how heavily the whole ‘pandemic’ situation is affecting my life. The pills are for physical pain, but they help a lot with the psychological stuff too. My guess is that’s why I’m going back every month.

 

[papercuts]

I get my Percocet refill in two days. I’ll be down to 1/3 of what the Dr was giving me a year ago. I need to pull the trigger and just stop seeing him, but I’m not there yet. This last month was rough. I don’t think I realize how heavily the whole ‘pandemic’ situation is affecting my life. The pills are for physical pain, but they help a lot with the psychological stuff too. My guess is that’s why I’m going back every month.

When a human is in near constant pain, they generally need cheering up. Even my other painkiller, nefopam, is a mood lifter too. I googled it, it is a reuptake inhibitor for dopamine, seratonin and more.
Just stopping seeing the doctor sounds a bit drastic when you have ongoing issues with your back, you've been doing really well with the reduction.
They used to give out amytriptyline like smarties here. It's another one used for pain that started life as an antidepressant.
Worth mentioning your mood to your doc imo, certainly doesn't make you sound like a drugseeker so why not?

 

[Squeaky]

When a human is in near constant pain, they generally need cheering up. Even my other painkiller, nefopam, is a mood lifter too. I googled it, it is a reuptake inhibitor for dopamine, seratonin and more.
Just stopping seeing the doctor sounds a bit drastic when you have ongoing issues with your back, you've been doing really well with the reduction.
They used to give out amytriptyline like smarties here. It's another one used for pain that started life as an antidepressant.
Worth mentioning your mood to your doc imo, certainly doesn't make you sound like a drugseeker so why not?

I keep saying I’m “hanging onto that relationship” with my pain management Dr because I will definitely need future surgeries and he was the only Dr who was willing to write me that huge script. At this point it has been 4 years, thousands of dollars, and I’m living 3/4 of every month without the meds anyway. I don’t want to spend the next 4 years doing the same thing...... but I also don’t want to give up the little bit of hope that there is a week of pain relief on the way.

I know that if I come clean with him, he will have no choice but to cut me off. I’m not ready to jump through that hoop just yet. Maybe never.

 

[papercuts]

I know that if I come clean with him, he will have no choice but to cut me off. I’m not ready to jump through that hoop just yet. Maybe never.

Never sounds your best bet. I don't know much about the healthcare system you have there, except everyone hates it. Noone was in control of it, so the pharma companies moved into that void and are in control of a huge vending system that costs you guys a fortune. I'm not saying it's fantastic elsewhere, but you're right, you are getting ripped off for thousands of dollars for a product which should be incredibly cheap to make, the biggest costs are security!

 

[Squeaky]

Never sounds your best bet. I don't know much about the healthcare system you have there, except everyone hates it. Noone was in control of it, so the pharma companies moved into that void and are in control of a huge vending system that costs you guys a fortune. I'm not saying it's fantastic elsewhere, but you're right, you are getting ripped off for thousands of dollars for a product which should be incredibly cheap to make, the biggest costs are security!

Yep. It sucks. (The healthcare system). But it’s all we have so we’re stuck finding loopholes.7 years of being a ‘pain management patient’ has made me an expert at exploiting those loopholes.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Lets get to point. As shitty of an drug buprenorphine is, as much of an junkie I sadly am... like... yeah, Id do better with 20mg oxy daily than a fucking 8mg bupre daily. But i should stop trying to solve my addictions with logic.... like yeah. You can try to change capitalism for good without violence and you can try to make your addictions as logical as possible... but still...

Benzos and rare shit is where its at. Bupre feel 0.5 times the strength of morphine but is..... like 40-75. Fucking poison, especially illegal use! ffs. Weeks ruined in these withdwals, but doing and waiting on bupre.... basically every day was just bad and horrible.

 

[Nas47]

Lets get to point. As shitty of an drug buprenorphine is, as much of an junkie I sadly am... like... yeah, Id do better with 20mg oxy daily than a fucking 8mg bupre daily. But i should stop trying to solve my addictions with logic.... like yeah. You can try to change capitalism for good without violence and you can try to make your addictions as logical as possible... but still...

Benzos and rare shit is where its at. Bupre feel 0.5 times the strength of morphine but is..... like 40-75. Fucking poison, especially illegal use! ffs. Weeks ruined in these withdwals, but doing and waiting on bupre.... basically every day was just bad and horrible.

20 mg oxy is nothing like withdrawl.8mg bupre is something about 80mg methadone.Huge dose to quit cold turkey.I replace oxy 60 mg habbit with bupe at dose under 2 mg bupe daily and feel high.May be not proper metabolize this oxy,but as i said before oral morphine hits much more nice than this oxy.Also you know iv bupre is not like sublingual which has around 30 percent bioavailability.Our doctors prescribe benzos without any problem,but dont wanna give you script for any opioid unless you are cancer patient.