Hey all you nice people in the "we're very nice" thread, throw me a bone please.
Just a word of encouragement, I'm begging because I don't know how to ask nicely, me being a not very together person right now. In fact I'm in bits.
Still trying, y'know. Still failing. I'm fast approaching a brick wall, I didn't want to travel with shit but what do I do? I found out that all this cutting down on opiates is close to killing me. Either I get my bp down or I die. After days of feeling like I was dying and many times phoning the doctor over 8 days, they finally did my blood pressure for the first time in a few years I was in hypertensive crisis even at the lowest most relaxed they could get me to be. My BMI is 17 and falling, my BP was 198/118 in the clinic. I can't join the people hanging around the hospital waiting days for a possible admission so I'm home resting with more pills and ordered a bp machine off Amazon (Dr told me what to buy).
So I'm trying not to panic as best I can, but I'm not good at making myself feel ok, would I be an addict if I could fricking do that without substances?
So I'm killing myself if I do and I'm killing myself if I don't and for all my suicidal thoughts, I don't want to die yet.
And my mom has been at me again, she's a bitch and a half, she's going to fucking love every detail if she finds out because I'm demonstrating that she was always right about me. She was right I'm a walking mental health crisis, but wrong about everything else. Why won't she fucking leave me alone with her shit? We hardly know each other, but that doesn't stop her having her own personal knife in my heart to twist at will. She only intermittantly bothered to keep us as kids, never babysat my kids, but now she's old and wants all the benefits of having grown kids to play pretend with.
I have LOTS of suggestions. Here we go, in no particular order.
1: High blood pressure can kill you right now. Not some random day in the future, but now. You need to get that under control in any way possible. If that means opiates then that’s what it means. HOWEVER..... opiates would only alleviate stress. They’re not generally associated with lowering bp. Blood pressure usually has a genetic component but it ALWAYS goes back to diet. Fat or skinny, doesn’t matter. It’s time to just eliminate processed foods from your diet. Vegan, carnivore, plant-based, etc. Those diets all can work but only if you eliminate processed shit like high fructose corn syrup and MSG. Start cooking all of your own meals %100 of the time. Stop counting calories and enjoy whatever you want that you can cook at home with only salt, pepper, garlic, etc... (as much as you like). No dairy, EVER. Don’t even try organic or you’ll give up fast. Look up “whole 30”, it’s a diet that really works and you can eat as much as you want (even potatoes, eggs, and bacon). Several people in my life have done it and cured themselves of diabetes, blood pressure, IBS, etc.
You will see real results in about 2 weeks if you can be strict with your diet.
2: Remember that the psychological effects of opiate wd can last for months even if you only lowered your dose. It affects your appetite, taste buds, thirst, sleep, and a whole host of other crap nobody talks about. All of these things can raise blood pressure. Tomorrow is going to suck a tiny bit less than today, but it’s still going to suck. SO.... plan for being impatient, exhausted, and everything in between. Make a big pot of stew so your family has food for a few days and you can rest tomorrow. Tell your boss you hurt your back and you can’t work late for a while. Make a list of everything you need to get done that can’t wait (like paying your taxes) and do one thing per week until the list is finished. There’s a giant sense of accomplishment when you cross the last item off the list, and you could really use that right now. If you promise yourself that you will try to be a better person tomorrow and you fail, you’ll only sink deeper into this hole you’re in now.
3: Your conversations with your Dr and any diagnosis he offers is private, so lie to your mom. She will never find out and it’s none of her business anyway. You could say that the Dr thinks you had Covid last year and you’re probably suffering from “Long Covid”. (It’s a real thing and kind of scary, not contagious anymore but still suffering). She’ll Google it on her own and at least start treating you with a bit more understanding. Any prescription the Dr actually gives you could actually be to treat the symptoms of Long Covid.
4: Last one..... Your health is the only thing that matters now. You die for any reason and your children’s lives instantly suck, forever. Heart attack, overdose, even a drunk driving arrest, and they get to feel the difference between “not a great mom” and “no mom at all”. I hated my parents and ultimately disowned my whole family. BUT, I recognize that my childhood would have been worse if I didn’t have them to complain about. Anybody has a problem with you, then they have a problem. If you’re making your situation worse by trying to get your mom off your back then you’re making her problems your own. ANYBODY who exists in your life now, who is making you worse, doesn’t deserve a place in your life. You don’t have to be rude about it, but you don’t have to answer the phone (or the door). Those are YOUR children, not hers. And I guarantee that her mom did the same crap to her when you were young and she f’ing hated it. (Which kind of makes her a hypocrite)
5: OK.. one more. Remember that you’re not a loser. You’re sick and trying to find a treatment. I don’t recommend saying that out loud to anyone, but you need to say it to yourself. The problem with opiate wd is that it gets a lot worse before it gets better. It makes you feel like you did something wrong and you feel like nobody could ever love you this way. ‘Whatever doesnt kill you will make you stronger’ right? Are you going to kill yourself? Probably not. If you could make it through this and get stronger when it’s over, then it means you will get through it. Focus on today, maybe just this hour or this minute. You made it through yesterday and the day before. You will make it through tomorrow too. Opiates have ended the lives of plenty of folks that you might thing were stronger than you are now, but it only means you’re stronger than you realize or you’d be dead already.
