I feel like God turned his back on me
Hi, I'm new here and found this site by doing a google search on 'how does a heroin overdose feel'..I'm not proud of the fact I've been using drugs since I was in the womb thanks to my mom taking acid while pregnant. I've done it all..I have chronic pain from degenerative disc disease and neuropathy in my spine and have a total of 48 surgeries in my lifetime. I've been on opiates most of my life needless to say and of course my tolerance is quite high. I've been going through 180 perc 5's in two weeks because I can't control my pain issues..today I went to a pain clinic in Boston seeking help out of desperation and hopelessness..I wanted to get a pain pump which was offered to me 12 years ago but I turned it down..I suppose my tendency to be honest to a fault fucked me over..I spent two hours writing a heart-felt, honest letter to my doctor at the pain clinic telling him about my depression and debilitation when I run out of my meds..I begged him for help..over the last year I started doing heroin as an alternative for pain when I run out of my scripts and usually will snort it because it tends to have a cocaine affect on me which I prefer to nodding out..it kills my pain and I'm able to function like a human being..on my worst days of no opiates at all I've written suicide letters in my head to my dad and friends apologizing..I've even thought about putting my 16-year old dog to sleep with me because I know nobody will love him like I do and care for him the way he needs..I told this all to the doctor today in tears..begging..pleading for help..instead..they are now making me goto treatment next week and start subs..they will also inform my current doctor of my substance issues so I am sure to lose my meds..on my way home..a four hour ride in tears and pain I thought about the easiest way to end my life..after all I'm 45 and can't decide if I just don't care any more or I want to give it one more shot..I was seriously considering od'ing on purpose by simply buying 4-5 bags and using a needle since my tolerance for injections is very low..it sounds nice..just nod off and don't wake up..this is not a cry for help so please don't call 911 :/ it's simply the way things are..I haven't decided what to do since my dog is the one thing keeping me alive..but he is getting old and pained as well..if I do commit suicide I think I will do it this way..after all the doctors obviously didn't give a shit and now I'm stuck without any pain meds and will have to use dope for awhile..I don't lie, cheat or steal like the people around me do..I work hard online to make my drug money..and waste it..thousands of dollars..not to get high but simply to be without pain..I use heroin for medicinal purposes but obviously that wasn't a good enough reason also..I told the doctors I wanted to stop and just get a pain pump and my medical marijuana card..I'm lucky I was able to go home at all today..after reading the descriptions of people od'ing on dope it seems kind of mixed but mostly leans to a nice..yet darkly drastic way to die..I am afraid to goto hell though..kind of funny in a way..but I just don't care anymore..I appreciate the honesty I found on this site as it has helped me to consider things..no worries..for now I'm still here.
Hi, I'm new here and found this site by doing a google search on 'how does a heroin overdose feel'..I'm not proud of the fact I've been using drugs since I was in the womb thanks to my mom taking acid while pregnant. I've done it all..I have chronic pain from degenerative disc disease and neuropathy in my spine and have a total of 48 surgeries in my lifetime. I've been on opiates most of my life needless to say and of course my tolerance is quite high. I've been going through 180 perc 5's in two weeks because I can't control my pain issues..today I went to a pain clinic in Boston seeking help out of desperation and hopelessness..I wanted to get a pain pump which was offered to me 12 years ago but I turned it down..I suppose my tendency to be honest to a fault fucked me over..I spent two hours writing a heart-felt, honest letter to my doctor at the pain clinic telling him about my depression and debilitation when I run out of my meds..I begged him for help..over the last year I started doing heroin as an alternative for pain when I run out of my scripts and usually will snort it because it tends to have a cocaine affect on me which I prefer to nodding out..it kills my pain and I'm able to function like a human being..on my worst days of no opiates at all I've written suicide letters in my head to my dad and friends apologizing..I've even thought about putting my 16-year old dog to sleep with me because I know nobody will love him like I do and care for him the way he needs..I told this all to the doctor today in tears..begging..pleading for help..instead..they are now making me goto treatment next week and start subs..they will also inform my current doctor of my substance issues so I am sure to lose my meds..on my way home..a four hour ride in tears and pain I thought about the easiest way to end my life..after all I'm 45 and can't decide if I just don't care any more or I want to give it one more shot..I was seriously considering od'ing on purpose by simply buying 4-5 bags and using a needle since my tolerance for injections is very low..it sounds nice..just nod off and don't wake up..this is not a cry for help so please don't call 911 :/ it's simply the way things are..I haven't decided what to do since my dog is the one thing keeping me alive..but he is getting old and pained as well..if I do commit suicide I think I will do it this way..after all the doctors obviously didn't give a shit and now I'm stuck without any pain meds and will have to use dope for awhile..I don't lie, cheat or steal like the people around me do..I work hard online to make my drug money..and waste it..thousands of dollars..not to get high but simply to be without pain..I use heroin for medicinal purposes but obviously that wasn't a good enough reason also..I told the doctors I wanted to stop and just get a pain pump and my medical marijuana card..I'm lucky I was able to go home at all today..after reading the descriptions of people od'ing on dope it seems kind of mixed but mostly leans to a nice..yet darkly drastic way to die..I am afraid to goto hell though..kind of funny in a way..but I just don't care anymore..I appreciate the honesty I found on this site as it has helped me to consider things..no worries..for now I'm still here.
