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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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Does the pain ever end? Coming off my 5th relapse from heroin.. It seems like I'm never going to conquer this monster. I've done methadone suboxone, been to rehab and done therapy.. I've been incarcerated for periods of time achieving many months of sobriety. I always fall. I've hurt and pushed everyone I've ever cared about away from me. At this point I'm tired of making my family suffer for my problems. I don't want to live any more. I can't bear to see the look on my mothers face everytime I see her. I'm done letting everyone down. I just think it would be easier to end it all and stop the pain I'm causing everyone.
 
Nati said:
Does the pain ever end? Coming off my 5th relapse from heroin.. It seems like I'm never going to conquer this monster. I've done methadone suboxone, been to rehab and done therapy.. I've been incarcerated for periods of time achieving many months of sobriety. I always fall. I've hurt and pushed everyone I've ever cared about away from me. At this point I'm tired of making my family suffer for my problems. I don't want to live any more. I can't bear to see the look on my mothers face everytime I see her. I'm done letting everyone down. I just think it would be easier to end it all and stop the pain I'm causing everyone.
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i think your family must really love you and want the best for you if it hurts them so much to see you in so much pain. i'm impressed that you have many months of sobriety, i think that you could build on that and eventually put heroin behind you. sometimes when i am feeling really sad, it is like i'm wearing shades which colour my perspective on everything, my mind goes into overdrive with anxious and doubting thoughts about every facet of my life. but that perspective isn't the truth, and feeling down isn't a permanent state, its just one end of the spectrum.
our mind would tell us anything to convince us to ignore feeling into, getting to know, understanding different forms of pain and our reaction to it. listen to your heart.
 
Mysterie said:
i think your family must really love you and want the best for you if it hurts them so much to see you in so much pain. i'm impressed that you have many months of sobriety, i think that you could build on that and eventually put heroin behind you. sometimes when i am feeling really sad, it is like i'm wearing shades which colour my perspective on everything, my mind goes into overdrive with anxious and doubting thoughts about every facet of my life. but that perspective isn't the truth, and feeling down isn't a permanent state, its just one end of the spectrum.
our mind would tell us anything to convince us to ignore feeling into, getting to know, understanding different forms of pain and our reaction to it. listen to your heart.
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I did have many months but I relapsed once again.
That's the thing. I know how bad I'm hurting everyone and it kills me. I know they love me but it's beyond supporting love now. I've failed so many times they're just waiting for me OD. I don't blame anyone but myself. I've been given every opportunity. Rehabs, medicine, lawyers.. All expensive shit that my family floats the bill every time. I'm dragging them down with me and I can't stand to hurt anyone else's life because of my addiction.

Thanks for the metaphor, I guess that a way to look at things. I used to be able to build some self worth and motivation. Now it's just so hard. I don't know where to turn. I've tried it all and I want to be clean. It just always gets the best of me in the end and each fall is harder than the last.

I know it would be selfish to end my own life. I know it would hurt my family but I think them knowing my pain is finally over would give them some relief. That my soul has finally been set free from my body which has been tormented for so long.
 
Your addiction is causing all that pain and the only reason your family suffers so much from it is that they can't stand to see you in that pain. My late son used to talk like this--that we would all be better off without him. He could not have been more wrong. There is absolutely no comparison between even the worst of the family times--all the anger and fear and stress rolled together and multiplied exponentially--that could compare to the pain of having lost him to hopelessness. This is probably hard for you to hear because not only do you want relief from all this pain for you but for your family as well. Try your hardest not to give up on yourself, to understand that this is not weakness or a lack of willpower. The brain is literally changed by addiction--this isn't making excuses, it's a fact. I think as a parent more realistic education would have helped me to be a better support person for my son. Educate yourself but don't get discouraged by what you read--people do recover from heroin addiction. Dig down deeper into the layers that hold you in shame about yourself. See if you can understand the pain better and then take it on as your life work to change those things (whether they are attitudes, perception or even circumstances) that are holding you down. Hang in there and don't give up. I'm here if you ever want to talk.<3
 
Thank you. I really needed that.
My mother is the only one in my family who kinda understands addiction.
Everyone else kinda has the rub some dirt on it you'll be fine attitude. It gets frustrating having to explain why I can't "just quit"

I've started detoxing. Hopefully better luck this time.
 
Get support, Nati. Whether it is meetings or a therapist or both, get support. Good luck and much love for what you are going through.<3
 
Hey friends, let me tell you a little about myself if anyone is listening. I'm a 31 yr old male who has a history of mental problems. They first began when I was molested by a neighborhood boy at 8 yrs old. Every since then my life went down hill. I dropped out of school, started selling drugs (still do), started using drugs, and started having some nervous breakdowns along the way.

I ways always a smart intellectual, funny, caring, cool, guy but all of my past problems always haunt me. I went to college with a good gpa and dropped out, plus dropped out of truck driving school. I have been to counselors, psychiatrist, programs, etc... Nothing has worked.

Last year, I had a cocaine bingeing relapse that was life changing for the worst!!!! Basically, I did cocaine by myself in my room watching porn and masturbating excessively, smh. Mind you, I'm a good looking, handsome guy, but I choose to do that dumb shit. Because of that relaspe, I suffered nerve damage on the whole left side of my body pretty bad.

I went to the hospital, doctors, and had test done. They say that I didn't have a stroke and maybe it could've been a bad reaction, blot clot in my body, or cerebral vasculitis. I'm ashamed and highly disappointed and upset with myself.

Now, I have to live with this nerve damage because of what I've done. I'm not even the same person anymore. I've isolated myself from the world and lost everyone. I want to kill myself everday, but I haven't built up the courage yet. I've been clean from cocaine since last year when it happened, but I just can't get over it because of the nerve damage. I don't know what to do? I don't know how to get over this. It's like nobody can relate to this.

I wanna go back and finish college/truck driving school, but that incident from last year messed my body and mind up.
 
Blue, I would encourage you to keep going to therapy for the abuse. That gets buried so deep and affects people well into adulthood. Coming to terms with this trauma will do you good. It will always affect you but it does not have to rule you.

I am very sorry about the nerve damage but I think that you can still accomplish your goals (maybe not truck driving if this would be painful, but certainly college.) Have you tried going to a pain clinic to learn some non-medical strategies for reducing pain? This pain probably is the focus of your life right now (understandably) but if you can learn ways to minimize your focus on it, you may be freed up to pursue your goals again.
 
You are not alone Blue, just know there is Green on the other side.

The best way to help self, is to remain out of self. Meaning you did the right thing by expressing your shortcomings to us. What I do is relate how your life is compared to my life, and to be honest man we are not much different.

I struggle with mental illness on the daily, and those years of banging crystal meth did not seem to help at all, instead it worsened my mental illness, to the point where there are some parts of my brain that I'm unable to use and feel anymore,because when on meth i ignored every sign that i was starting to cause brain damage.
What did I know? All I knew is my tolerance began to go up, and that wasn't because of my body getting used to the drug, it was because my brain wasn't able to produce enough of the serotonin&dopamine quick enough before I did another shot.

I'm no potato, I do find it hell a hard to smile at silly things, and instead I smile and laugh at seriously, depressing ass shit. Because The way the drugs effected that part of my brain.

The nerve damage sounds scary, and it must suck to wake up and feel pain. To be honest I would rather feel pain , then experience no pain, and the more I did meth,the more I felt less pain, the less I thought of the pain and long story short theres been times where i have seriously hurt myself at my job and people look at me like im fucking crazy for still working,drugs do weird shit man.

Your life is more important then you think. I truly believe in a higher power, and no it's not jesus or mohamad, its my own personal belief of what those people are. try and find a connection with your other self, the self thats closer then the other(the druggie self), be the handsome young man you still and will always be.

Hang in there buddy, know that everyone on here has a troubling background with drugs and how they effect us, so hell feel free to talk to anyone on here, and thats cool about the truck driving, and look at it like this, one day you can own your own rig, and make all the money for your self!
<3
 
Thank you D's and Herbavore. Life is crazy. Sometimes I just sit back and look at things like, "damn, why me." You know, for the most part I'm really not scared of death. The only thing I'm scared of is the possibility of hell. I don't deserve hell, but I have been living in hell on earth for some time.
 
I don't know, been thinking about buying a gun. Just in case if I decide not to continue. I've already been looking at funeral cost and cremation cost. I just don't wanna leave those cost on my family and friends.
 
Blue, life does not have to feel this way. Imagining the gun and the funeral etc is just your mind saying, "I need a rest!". If your mind is playing an endless loop of hopeless thoughts, try envisioning that it is indeed your last day on earth as you. Who would you speak to and what would you say? What would you want to take one more look at and why? Imagining that it is truly the end of one's life can be illuminating--what you imagine you will miss is what needs your attention now. Work on the relationships with those you truly love. Go to the places that nurture your soul and allow yourself to be nurtured without anxiety. Do small things that bring you small pleasures. I am truly sorry that you are in this exhausted and painful state of mind.
 
I know, I just long for the day's when my life had purpose. Now, I feel as though since I have nerve damage, I can't challenge myself like I use to. I wanted to drive the school bus or get another trucking job while finishing school. I just don't know if I could do it anymore.

Right now I'm in therapy, but it just doesn't work. Mind you, I have been in therapy for years. The more I try to fight, the worse it gets. I don't know, just venting.
 
:)Stay strong everyone. It gets better as time heals all wounds. Suicide effects not just the victim but those around them also.
 
Idk if this is the place to post this, I couldn't find any threads regarding depression.

Anywho I just wanted to post something and get it out..

I'm 21, hopeless and confused at times, I don't have much at all in my life right now, though I used to have "everything" some years ago, friends, cars, love, respect, popularity and everything related.

I do however keep my mind positive and try to look forward in my life and future. I admit I had always been a sad and depressed person though on the outside I'm a guy with a somewhat crazy character in a good way (humorous, fun and funny, somewhat a happy guy etc..) but deep inside I've always been depressed.

But time to time I get really sad, I cry out of the blues, hopeless thinking, why does my life suck so much. Though not suicidal at all but a bit lol.

I feel so empty sometimes, I can barely manage my life, I'm such a loser. Even worse I have no sex drive or anything from all the drugs I use and used to use. But I'd say I could be normal, I usually go with the flow and don't care about much that's not involved with me and my life if u know what i mean.

The only things that's keeping me going and stable are my love and passion for motorcycles (sport bikes), I ride and it's the only thing that gives me some freedom. Also my mum and family, I love them so much and appreciate them and I do however wish to contribute to them one day but as of now you can imagine a teenager or w.e having no idea of what to do in life, just confused and lost.

Gahhh I just want to tell this to someone so yeah excuse the ranting or w.e, I'm sober atm.. Thank you for your time reading.
 
Depression can be strange that way--just lying under the surface in so many people who have learned so well how to cover it up. You have a life passion and you have family ties (two things I usually wonder about when people are depressed) so my next question would be if you ever suffered any early trauma? Here is something to consider, as well. Some people have a more sensitive nature and see the world in shades of blue and coming to terms with that as an adult can be difficult. But even if you are not a person that has that nature, late teens and early twenties can be a time of pretty harsh self-judgments. I would watch out for those thoughts--they can really shape your reality if you are not aware of them. You would probably have a lot of compassion for one of your friends if they told you they thought of themselves as a "loser". Have that same compassion for yourself. It's hard to see the brevity of life when you are 21 but at my age (61) it is staring me right in the face. Don't waste a day berating yourself--find things you love, create love and kindness for others around you (animals, family, neighborhood kids, isolated old people--the whole world needs love) but mostly accept yourself as a decent person that is simply trying to find your way. <3
 
^ Great post as usual. Accepting yourself is really the key to move on. Not easy but possible and worthy.

I would suggest that you'd try therapy. It's good to have a moment to share, hear, talk. Insightful minds recover faster.
You have an entire life ahead of you. You'll probably have so many different phases.
Try volunteering in a hospital. That can also help you more than you imagine. It can gives us perspective.
Wish you well.
 
Thanks, guys.. And um I've seen nearly seen "all of it", my background is of south-east Asian heritage and I became a monk for a few months living in a temple (it's part of my culture) a while back and during those times overseas in Asia I have seen everything from the poor, disabled, rich to those who are suffering you name it. I do have a peaceful mind and try to keep it that way, my "depression " is weird. Yes you can be right I maybe try to cover it up or just put on a fake smile, but at the end of the day I have feelings somewhat to be sorrow.

Dammit I hope it's my stupid teenage thingy hormones haha..

I still have a lot to learn a head of me, I'll see what will happen, maybe something good will happen.
 
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