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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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I swear by probiotics, they not only help with colon health but they help boost your immune system dramatically if you take them everyday and get a good brand that has millions of live cultures, multiple strains as well. Usually the higher priced ones are the kind that actually work the best, but if you use amazon you can get any of them MUCH cheaper :)
herbavore said:
^Have you tried probiotics in conjunction with some of the high CBD cannabis tinctures for the IBS? I have heard lots of good results there. (I'm not sure about medical marijuana in Germany--is it legal/available?

As for me, I am doing very well. I feel like my life is still in a lot of crazy transitions but I have this calm inside for some mysterious reason and I feel pretty balanced despite the chaos outside. Maybe it is because of all the work I've been trying to do to change my thought patterns around anxiety.;)
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Probiotics are invaluable. Not only are you benefiting your immune and digestive systems, but it has been proven that your brain is benefited as well. Digestive and mental health are linked by your "second brain", your gut. Read "The Skinny Gut Diet", unfortunately I don't recall the author's name. My mom is a big believer in this type of stuff, she has given me several books and countless lectures. It sounds like a middle-aged housewife cookbook, but the information and research put into it is truly profound. There are many very interesting chapters regarding this topic.

Aside from that, stay positive. Hardship inspires inner turmoil and negative thinking that is easy to fall into. I'll share with you some things that literally saved my life. Your life is what you make of it. Sometimes you inadvertently train yourself to see the worst and think negatively, eliminating the possibility of any growth or inner peace. If such a thing is possible to do with negative thinking, wouldn't the inverse also be possible? Even if I haven't convinced you, just humor the idea. Think positive, find the good in situations, no matter how small or insignificant it may be.

You'll notice small change at first, but positivity is equally as infectious as negativity.
 
I relasped last night from being one week clean... ?. The pressure got to be soo much I really really wanted to jump of the GWB and just end it all. Im a loving fun person. But since 2003 when I popped my 1st 80mg oc my lifes not been the same since. From oxy to Smack sub back to smack. Smh idk what to anymore the Smack has a tight hold on me I go clean for a few weeks then back to the dope... I feel hopeless lost I just want my normal life back. ???
 
Hey, I'm sorry that you are feeling so trapped, Devilish. All I can say is that you are fighting a war and you lost a battle. The fight goes on. You need support so come to Bluelight but also go to every single solitary place where you can get support in real life. Do you have friends that are trying to quit, too? Band together. Meetings? County services? Any family members that would understand? I hate to see you feel so isolated in your pain.:(<3
 
I have no friends who use.... no one even knows I used. Ive been hiding this for 3 years. See I sniff. An it just keeps me normal. But ive lost so much and I dont even know myself how I do it but I maintain. But its lonely. My girl for 5 years has no cluehermqn is a dope addict. Its killing me inside. Idk who I can talk to idk who would not shun me if I tell the truth. I really dying inside. Suicidal thoughts run thru me, not saying I would really take that route cuz I believe in hell an dontwant to go. But im heading there as is with the poison. Smh im lost stuck an confused with not a soul in the real world to share this struggle with... just me and dope
 
Thank you for your reply herbavore. U brought a tear to me when u said ISOLATED IN YOUR PAIN....&#55357;&#56851; Thats exactly what im in. Its hard way to live... ISOLATED IN MY PAIN, Dead on the nail 100% Describes what im dealing with. ..&#55356;&#57263;
 
Well, in a way that is the best thing Bluelight has to offer. Yes, you can come here to find out about drugs, but I think one of the best things that this site offers is a community of people who understand the dark side of what happens when drugs start to own your life. Just keep posting. A lot of people here are going through exactly what you are going through and they can give you support. We live in such a crazy world that glorifies drugs but demonizes addiction and addicts. Don't get down on yourself. You are worth the struggle it takes to reclaim your life.<3
 
Hi everyone

Bluelight is the only place that I trust for solid and good advice so I'm going to post here.

This may be a bit long so please bear with me, I just want to get everything out.

I've had not what you'd call an easy life, my father physically and emotionally abused me whilst growing up, my mother never really cared or has ever told me that she loves me. I've never been shown any love in any shape or form.

I'll go into everything so that you can get a grasp of the bigger picture of my sad existence.

I've been used in many relationships as I was coming into adulthood, my own fault for letting it happen I know. Then I met a man who I thought I loved when I was 22, he was much older than me. A few months into the relationship I fell pregnant, that's when the domestic abuse started, all the way through my pregnancy he hurt me and risked the life of my unborn daughter.

I had my baby and then 8 months later I fell pregnant again with my son, still the violence continued. I suffered for 6 years.

I met a new man who I instantly clicked with just after these 6 years, he gave me the confidence to leave my abusive partner and be with him. He was and still is married.

We had a good relationship together and 1.5 years into it, I fell pregnant with our daughter, everything was perfect until he gave me genital herpes in the last 4 weeks of pregnancy. I had to endure a cesarean section to save the life of my unborn baby as the GH virus can be deadly to newborns. My little baby could have died had I not acted on my very severe symptoms.

That traumatic time and the mixture of hormones proceeded to land me with post partum psychosis, I went through hell, sheer hell. I abused prescription drugs and became a paranoid, psychotic recluse fearing for my life (I have a thread on my experience in the mental health forum called 'My story - psychotic trips to hell and back' if you fancy a read of that.)

Anyway, this got stabilised with medication but have recently been heading towards the edge again. No one in my life cares for me, no one is there for me, I am raising 3 children alone and I cannot even begin to put into words how hard this is, but it's a living nightmare doing everything and raising them alone and lost. My partner doesn't live with us and doesn't provide me with any support with our daughter whether it be financially or practically. I pay for most things for him, I buy him little gifts to make him feel special, I love him with all my strength, I have given this man everything and I get nothing in return, I mean nothing.

I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted, respected or special to him or to anybody. I have so called friends that I will talk to and try and get close to and then they will drop me, use me.

My mental state has got much worse today, I'm a joke, I'm a failure, nobody wants me yet all I have ever given people is love and have gone out of my way to make others feel special. I have a very big heart and soul yet always seem to get shit on from a great height.

I'm worthless, I'm nothing, I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. The problem must be me seeing as nobody is interested in me.

I'm having serious thoughts on attempting to take my own life, I cannot physically or mentally take this life anymore.

Am I such a bad person that I need to be treated in such ways? I can't comprehend anything to make sense. I fear that I'm slipping back into a psychotic episode. I'm having thoughts that they are all part of a conspiracy to destroy me and finish me off.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated before I fear it's too late and I carry out my wish to be dead and buried. The pain and hurt in my heart is so overwhelming.

Thank you for taking the time to read my jumbled up story of my life. If there's any additional questions you have, I'd be happy to answer them.

:-(
 
Milzy, I can imagine how hard your life must be with three small children and no help from the fathers. But there must also be a part of you that recognizes that you chose to bring these children into the world and now you must take good care of yourself so that they have a role model to look up to, to feel safe with and to be loved by. Join support groups with other mothers, keep working on your sobriety and keep nurturing your strengths. Sometimes when children are victimized early on in life as you were, they take on a victim role in adult life because sadly, it is familiar. This is not your fault, it is what you were conditioned to do. But now it is your responsibility to step out of that role, quit putting yourself and your children into the hands of unhealthy men and learn to love yourself. Make creating the mother you want to be your goal rather than being defeated by feelings of failure and worthlessness. You are stronger than you think, m'lady!<3
 
Milzy-- I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm usually not a very compassionate person but always have a soft spot for domestic abuse victims, depressed/suicidal people, and addicts.

Anyway, what struck me about your post was your self-reported psychotic episodes and paranoid delusions (mainly). I'm curious, have you been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder? I'm no "expert", but I am on my way to becoming a forensic psychologist, and have been working closely with professionals. If you aren't receiving treatment or even been diagnosed with anything I strongly suggest you do. As your post hints at some sort of Schizoid disorder. Again, I'm no professional, only a student. But specifically, Paranoid Schizophrenia comes to mind when reading your post. The defining characteristics (of any Schizoid disorder) are the psychotic breaks from reality.

Again, this is just a suggestion to maybe help get going in the right direction. I'm no Dr. only a student. But I hope this may shed some light. If not, keep posting. It's better to let it out. I always found it helpful. (I'm very depressed, suicidal, and first and foremost an addict).

I'm sending you good vibes.... Can you feel 'em tingling your insides?! :)
 
Oooh yes, I can feel them tingling away, thank you.

I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis/puperal psychosis.

I am on an injection of Haloperidol once every 4 weeks along with Lyrica capsules and Aripiprazole tablets.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.
 
herbavore said:
Milzy, I can imagine how hard your life must be with three small children and no help from the fathers. But there must also be a part of you that recognizes that you chose to bring these children into the world and now you must take good care of yourself so that they have a role model to look up to, to feel safe with and to be loved by. Join support groups with other mothers, keep working on your sobriety and keep nurturing your strengths. Sometimes when children are victimized early on in life as you were, they take on a victim role in adult life because sadly, it is familiar. This is not your fault, it is what you were conditioned to do. But now it is your responsibility to step out of that role, quit putting yourself and your children into the hands of unhealthy men and learn to love yourself. Make creating the mother you want to be your goal rather than being defeated by feelings of failure and worthlessness. You are stronger than you think, m'lady!

Milzy, you have so much to live for. Your children adore you no matter how you feel or view yourself. Right there you have a reason to live. Sorry agnostics, but God put you on this earth for a reason. He doesn't want you coming home early :) There are many places that will help you in your time of need. We have help centers and phone lines we can call in the US, so I'm pretty sure the UK has them also.
Stand tall and stay strong mum, it will get better. I was there facing suicide myself, and I'm so happy I chose life.

Herbavore was spot on with that response. Peace and love.
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30 x 30mg codeine/500mg paracetamol downed with 50mg of diazapam and I just woke up after 4 hours, withdrawing my ass off from heroin. Life... Iv'e had 23 ok years which I guess is a blessing just wish, I had an off button. Next time I'll try harder:P

Peace <3
 
shotti, withdrawing can make everything look so bleak I don't blame you for wanting to give up. I won't burden you right now with telling you how great things will be in the future. But I will say this, you are in the truly hard part right now. Hang on, get some help for the WDs and just let yourself rest. The fight is wearing you out.:(<3 Do you have anyone around that knows you took all that?
 
I'm bipolar and trying to withdraw from heroin long enough to start on subutex maintenance. The first time I scored high enough on that COWS symptom list, but was only 17 hours in so I went into precipitated withdrawals. I shot thru it, and used for a few more days til the sub was gone from my system. Next try I lasted 27 hours & the doc said wait til 36 or 48 before taking any subutex. I'm weak I guess with real slow metabolism, so I couldnt stand it and shot up dope again. I am such a miserable failure. I have struggled with this all my life, I am 64. Subs for a couple of years would work, if i could only get on em. Also I'm in a relationship with a much younger man which is ending I think. He moved out and I dont know if he's returning, so I'm alone thru all of this. I just feel like dying, honestly. I've intentionally OD'd on junk before, but woke up hours later still alive. I have a 26 year old daughter who would be devastated though. She doesnt know I'm using again. My man friend used to be her boyfriend but she dumped him. Then he and I got involved. Its not sexual, intense love, but platonic. We have even talked marriage but the age difference is so great it wouldnt work, just not happening sexually and too much social disapproval. Plus my daughter would be so hurt even though she"s done with him. So you see what a worthless person I am. No wonder I"m so alone. I just want to die and dont know how to get off dope and on to subs. I'm in a fucked up place right now, plus I have to steal to get dope money, which is so fucked up of me. I prolly deserve to die, the world would be better without me, for sure.
 
You are not a failure, rather you are failing at doing something that is difficult. That may seem like mincing words but it is very different to consign yourself to the category of a failure (which gives you a permanent and derogatory view of yourself) and admitting that you are failing right now at something that you can try again as many times as it takes to succeed at it. Try to let the trying define you and not the failing. Having a relationship end in the middle of trying to do this can't help but neither does lying to your daughter about it. Even though she would be devastated is there no way that you can confide in her how hard you are trying? Reassure her that you will keep trying, for yourself and for her, and then continue to work with your doctor. Addiction is hard to overcome for everyone that suffers from it. Add bipolar and you have even more struggles. Cut yourself some slack in your own mind--you are neither unworthy nor a failure. You are a person struggling to heal from very powerful conditions.<3
 
herbavore said:
Well, in a way that is the best thing Bluelight has to offer. Yes, you can come here to find out about drugs, but I think one of the best things that this site offers is a community of people who understand the dark side of what happens when drugs start to own your life. Just keep posting. A lot of people here are going through exactly what you are going through and they can give you support. We live in such a crazy world that glorifies drugs but demonizes addiction and addicts. Don't get down on yourself. You are worth the struggle it takes to reclaim your life.
herbavore said:
This!
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Cant tell my daughter. She'd see it as a betrayal and cut me off until I get clean. She believes in a harsh kind of tough love, so no support would be forthcoming there. I'm afraid of the long haul of PAWS if I do manage to get off. Im in the midst of a 21-day methadone detox off heroin now, which I relapsed on today because the methadone dose wasnt holding me yesterday. I was so sick I had to go to the hospital. So thats all fucked up now too. Dont know what to do. Still feeling suicidal.
 
I've been thinking very seriously about killing myself for about the past week or 2. I just feel alone all of the time, my teeth are fucked up and I'm a junkie and ex crack head with meth mouth, really, who could fucking love me for me? I'm just tired of feeling alone, it hurts too much, I shoot subutex, take clonazepam, drink and smoke pot all daily and it hardly even helps anymore, I still always feel sad and alone. I've been told I'm not a bad looking guy and I've had some beautiful girlfriends in my past but I just don't see anything when I'm single except why I wouldn't be wanted and it's become so fucking hard for me to find someone new to date or to have sex with, I just feel like I'll never be the confident guy I need to be and because of that, I'll be alone forever. I'm tired of needing a girlfriend or someone I'm having sex with to feel valued, I've been going to therapy, going to NA, trying to cut back on my drug use and everything else suggested to me and yet this week I've been thinking more seriously about killing myself than I have been in a long time. I've been having to shoot up mainly in my groin and legs these past few weeks and I've almost been hoping that kills me, at least then I wouldn't receive 100% of the blame where I would if I were to shoot myself or something like that. I just wish I hadn't deleted so many phone numbers when I was got sober, now that I'm thinking about killing myself, it's not too big of a deal if I just fucking relapse and do some dope or get a good gram of crack or something before that, hell, I would love to just get enough heroin to commit suicide.
I don't even know anymore, maybe I should do it, the only thing holding me back is guilt, if it were just me I'd of killed myself about 8 years ago or even sooner than that. I just want to finally feel happiness again...
 
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