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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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Wow
I am glad I found this site. This spot.
BACKGROUND : I am 47. I have been addicted to everything from alcohol to heroin. I got away from all but herb which I love. This
Including cold turkey off 8 bags of H a day.
Until. 9 years ago
Life sucked , I broke a tooth got 30 prercosets and was off again.
This time I found sub oxone by accident and have been on it now for 6 years. It doesn't cost shit. It doesn't get me high AT ALL. BUT no withdrawal.
I hate myself for ruining my life. I lost it all. I had so much. Now I think about suicide every day.
I'll end by saying its nice to feel what shrinks call universality. Means I'm not alone in my circumstance
 
sPHERE911 said:
In the middle of both opiate and benzo withdrawal and last night my gf (5years) dumped me in a very bad way while drunk in front of 2 buddies of mine, while she was hitting on one of them the whole night. Probably the worst night of my life. Drank nearly a bottle of whisky just to get some sleep (4-5hours). have to get a new place to live and everything.. thinking of ending this misery
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If you have made it four days DONT GIVE UP. It's wicked hard to get that far in the process as u know!
Be careful about cold turkrying off Benzodiazepines though. You can gave a Daedalus seizure.
So much good advice here.
Sub oxone is the answer for me. Half a pill at night. I am out a daily. "Find it game." Which is priceless for me.
Life is boring but controlled.
I still gave major mood problems. But being an opiate addict is a oath from self indulgence to self loathing.
If you have any support hold onto them tight
 
TO MAGNOLIA
Your life, your list, is the same as mine. Except I have no child.
I lost it all Career relationship friends. Now I live in a basement room in a birding house.
I think the shame is the worst part. I'm told "let it go ". I do but it comes back.
I think about suicide constantly.
No it doesn't always get better. For me it seems to get worse.
No one wants to be around me in any capacity I come from a family of 9 and used to have a lot if friends and clients now NOONE.
I WISH I COULD MEET YOU. at least you would understand
 
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No it doesn't always get better. For me it seems to get worse.
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I'm genuinely sorry you feel that way right now, I do believe things will change, everything does, it's the way of things.

Having had such thoughts myself I try not to just tell people not to do it etc, it wouldnt have made any difference to me in those times I was in a place where it wasn't some bog drama just it seemed like the only viable next move... I can't really explain it better than that.

The constant thoughts of it were exhausting and all consuming, for me I believe this was a large part of the problem. I'm sure I felt deep down I should be thinking those things and that it wasnt truly right.....I was a worthless piece of sh** that couldnt even manage to live another day.

In many ways we are all intrinsically alone, at least that is how I feel about the human condition, truly reaching others is tough and not something we should judge our lives by, I find it hard to make or maintain friendships but I try not to pressure myself about it, I'm not harming anyone by my lack of social skills.

It's a very personal thing but I found truly letting those thoughts of suicide in helped, they don't own me anymore. Ultimately we could all check out early if we decided to, obsessing about it is just that.

Hang in there, you are already reaching out to others, who might need you in your future ? what might that future bring ? the end will find us all in it's own good time, of that we can be certain.

Best wishes to you <3
 
I'm just tired of my panic attacks, IBS and feeling bad all the time. The dizziness and the feeling that I'm about to faint is killing me. I couldn't stop crying today. While other people are outside enjoying the sun, I'm laying in bed in agony. I know that the good times will come again, but I'm tired of this circle of feeling good for a few days and then feeling bad again. I don't want to die, but life is unbearable atm. When will this suffering end ?
Hope everyone else is having a better day :)
 
^really sorry to hear that things are going so terribly. I was dealing with a lot of pain last year and it can really wear you out when it is constant. Put panic attacks on top of that and that is really a lot to bear. I hope you have some improvement soon. What have you tried so far for the panic attacks? I ended up doing some serious mind/body work that helped me overcome them. Be well.<3
 
Thank you so much for your reply :)
Well, I tried meditation, breathing techniques and I go to a therapist once in a while. All those things help me, in addition I know, that the panic attack eventually will stop. But I'm sick of the cycle I'm going through over and over again. Also my mood swings are killing me. Most of the times I'm just feeling normal, then I start to feel bad, then feeling good and then really bad again. It's exhausting.
How are you doing ? :)
 
^Have you tried probiotics in conjunction with some of the high CBD cannabis tinctures for the IBS? I have heard lots of good results there. (I'm not sure about medical marijuana in Germany--is it legal/available?

As for me, I am doing very well. I feel like my life is still in a lot of crazy transitions but I have this calm inside for some mysterious reason and I feel pretty balanced despite the chaos outside. Maybe it is because of all the work I've been trying to do to change my thought patterns around anxiety.;)
 
herbavore said:
^Have you tried probiotics in conjunction with some of the high CBD cannabis tinctures for the IBS? I have heard lots of good results there. (I'm not sure about medical marijuana in Germany--is it legal/available?
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As for the probiotics, I always wanted to try some, but there are so many and most seem to be just rip-ofs and I'm not blessed with money atm. Can you recommend me some ? :)
Medical Marijuana is legal for just a few people with a seriously bad illness and you need a special approval so it's not available for me :/

I'm glad that you're doing well :D May I ask how you try to change your though patterns ? I'm trying this myself, but with verry little effect so far.
Hope everyone else is doing well <3
 
I really wish that I could recommend a certain probiotic but there is to date no real standardization and so I have no idea who to trust. I know that when I went traveling in South America, I bought a pretty expensive one that claimed to have billions and they seemed to serve me well but that was only one bottle for a brief time. Best thing to do would be to eat a lot of fermented foods like sauerkraut, yogurts and drinks with live cultures, etc.

As far as changing your thoughts, what helped me the most has been Buddhist philosophy or mindfulness but CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is also effective. The most important thing is to recognize that these are processes and not instant fixes so that you do not get discouraged along the way. So much is available from books to podcasts to daily meditations online. Ekhart Tolle, Rick Hansen, Pema Chodron, Tara Brach are some names I can throw out of people whose writings or online materials helped me. Try googling what the actual anxiety is like "negative self thinking" and see what comes up. Another really good option is to see if there is a Buddhist center near you that offers guided meditations and free classes.
 
I feel so pathetic. Fired from. Job. Few weeks ago on my birthday (no reason given but boss is an idiot and was losing business. I look at it more as a lay off but still). Just haven't been able to find the resolve to find another job. I'm just so sick of trying to sur I've in this miserable world. It just hurts so much to even wake up and get out of bed. Halfway look for a job some days, and others spend all day in bed on the internet looking at nonsense.

Rent is due in a week which I don't have. It's strange to think I would rather kill myself than ask anyone for help. I'm the 30 year old black sheep. Been arrested so many times, on parole now for some bullshit due to too many drugs and borderline psychosis.

Have found myself thinking, "well this will be the last time you do this. " " oh fuck it use it all. What are you saving it for anyway you wont be here much longer"

Am considering failing a piss test on purpose to see if they will just lock me up again. But I will get out again sooner or later and it will just be the same shit but worse.

My two biggest fears/regrets would be knowing it would destroy my mom. And then what if death is just as bad or worse. Made to sit in a limbo of sorta Nd made to face all the pain I ran from then sent right the fick back here to do it again.

Wonder if 100mg hydrocodone, 100mg etizolam, and a bottle of whiskey would be enough. Either that or jump off s super high building or bridge. Wouldn't really want to make anyone watch like thT though. I don't even want to be dead but my ability to deal it just hurts so much and I don't even know why
 
I've had an extremely painful last couple of days, ironically after I thought I had put my life back together finally.

I've completely killed my social life. I had a falling out with my usual group of friends, almost getting into a few fights.

I've spent a lot of time really getting to know this old flame of mine, hoping to right some past wrongs. I figured that I had everything in my life in order and I could finally have a functional relationship, really completing myself. Things were going great, but lately out of nowhere she seems to have lost all interest in me. She's done to me what I did to her and tried so hard to make up for. We got drunk with a few friends and she seemed to just shut me down at every turn. I went drunk rage mode and left. It's especially painful because I was never one to date, but I truly felt right about this. All of her friends were also my friends, I feel like I can't see any of them.

I've mostly just been alone all day. My mind feels like it's on fire, I can't stop replaying all my failures in my head over and over, the ones I've stated and so many others. The depression I've fought so hard to get rid of has come back stronger than ever, I feel like it has me by the throat. It's physically painful at this point. Everything that was going so well for me has fallen apart. I've been popping sleeping pills like candy, just trying to buy myself some kind of relief from this. Nothing works. I can't even face my family, I've just isolated myself.

I've been toying with the idea of killing myself. I simply believe that I have no cards left to play, that there's no coming back from this. I've endured for so long, but I feel truly broken at this point. It's a feeling that I've never felt before and it scares me. I know I probably come off as weak, whining about my friends and a girl. But I feel like it really goes deeper than that, like something in my brain has gone haywire, like I just snapped.
 
Sounds like your own head has turned on you and is doing you in. Try hard not to even think of the past right now (even earlier in the day). Replaying over and over "failures', bad decisions etc is only a sure way to cement more of those in the present. Be a friend to yourself. Have empathy for why you did the things you did--it doesn't mean excusing anything, just understanding why you may have reacted the way you did. Feel free to PM me if you feel it would help. I am really sorry that things are feeling so rough. Lay off the pills and anything else because they are not going to get you where you want to go.<3
 
All those pills nearly killed me last night. I realized something during the whole ordeal though, I was truly afraid of dying.

I need to take a long, hard look at my life. I need to do something with myself. I'm going around and around in a circle trying to self-medicate and just ruining everything even more. I'm throwing away every drug I own, and I'm going to start actually fixing myself. I'm tired of being my own enemy.

Thank you BL for all your support. You have no idea how much it means to me.
 
I am in a very similar situation. I have no one as well, other than my parents whom I'm very grateful for but my mom makes me feel even worse about my life circumstances and who I am. It's very hard to see hope or the bright side when everything has gone wrong for someone. Idk what to do,I want to take subs for a week or two to come off the pills that are ruining my life, but I have a very hard time going through the initial withdrawals to start subs. Everything is SO damn hard.
SeenItAll said:
TO MAGNOLIA
Your life, your list, is the same as mine. Except I have no child.
I lost it all Career relationship friends. Now I live in a basement room in a birding house.
I think the shame is the worst part. I'm told "let it go ". I do but it comes back.
I think about suicide constantly.
No it doesn't always get better. For me it seems to get worse.
No one wants to be around me in any capacity I come from a family of 9 and used to have a lot if friends and clients now NOONE.
I WISH I COULD MEET YOU. at least you would understand
Click to expand...
 
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