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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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@Cosmic Charlie

If you were a woman, I would have sexual intercourse with you. Does that make you feel any better?

Heh heh heh
...

Man, the woman I love I have two perfect children with and she will never, ever, see me again. That is how bad I fucked things up. She is literally a beauty queen with multiple degrees. She married me, man... and now, not all the sobriety in the world will bring her back. I want death, but it seems every time I try something happens. Like I am in purgatory or something. I do not know what to do.

So get hold of your girl while you still can.
 
jackie jones said:
@Cosmic Charlie

If you were a woman, I would have sexual intercourse with you. Does that make you feel any better?

Heh heh heh
...

Man, the woman I love I have two perfect children with and she will never, ever, see me again. That is how bad I fucked things up. She is literally a beauty queen with multiple degrees. She married me, man... and now, not all the sobriety in the world will bring her back. I want death, but it seems every time I try something happens. Like I am in purgatory or something. I do not know what to do.

So get hold of your girl while you still can.
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I basically traded my dear ange for more morphine.........fucked up huh a fucking needle for my goddess. That's how hard it is to quit opiates.:| ☹☹
 
She kept telling me "I am making my exit plan". "I am going to leave you."

God, she had the best tasting pussy. The prettiest, best smelling feet. Nice C tits. Her gorgeous blue eyes would look at me with such love and adoration when she would gamahuche me.

For what? For opium? I do not understand. Not your bride for opium. Jackie. Stop. I just want to go talk to myself..

What is there left to look forward to? The existence of a Multiverse? Can God give me another chance?

There is nothing left. Sure, I am sober now... but it is too late.
 
jackie jones said:
She kept telling me "I am making my exit plan". "I am going to leave you."

God, she had the best tasting pussy. The prettiest, best smelling feet. Nice C tits. Her gorgeous blue eyes would look at me with such love and adoration when she would gamahuche me.

For what? For opium? I do not understand. Not your bride for opium. Jackie. Stop. I just want to go talk to myself..

What is there left to look forward to? The existence of a Multiverse? Can God give me another chance?

There is nothing left. Sure, I am sober now... but it is too late.
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I feel exactly like you man. my girl had these perfect pierced tits, a super tight pussy, she smelled so good, lovely feet. I would kiss her from Head to toes. jesus christ what the fuck were we thinking bro.....
 
I know, man. I know.

My girl had this bad girl complex. I mean, she was one bad bitch, the only one I ever had... but she was not bad... classicly trained in Italian Opera, a hospital admin, from a family of teachers...

And what was I? I will never get a girl of her caliber again.

I am not going to keep feeling this. It is not compulsive. It is logical.
 
jackie jones said:
I know, man. I know.

My girl had this bad girl complex. I mean, she was one bad bitch, the only one I ever had... but she was not bad... classicly trained in Italian Opera, a hospital admin, from a family of teachers...

And what was I? I will never get a girl of her caliber again.

I am not going to keep feeling this. It is not compulsive. It is logical.
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I've accepted the fact that we'll never be together. I'm alwats gonna love her though even if she's not with me. I got great memories with her. We are friends again now but don't think we'll ever get backtogether. .
 
I cannot handle the memories. Good or bad.

I am not interested in getting high anymore. I am going to start collecting CNS depressants though.

Lets see. Just got my Ambien... got my Scotch. All I have right now. I need some Alprazolam and a couple Fentanyl patches.
 
@nznity

Hey, man. At least you are friends with her. Maybe you can put something together.

I do not even have my girl's friendship now.

Tell me a happy memory.
 
jackie jones said:
She kept telling me "I am making my exit plan". "I am going to leave you."
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Yes we went through this already it is 100% over and my life has lost it's meaning. She through me and my love away and doesn't really care im on the brink... Im getting to a point where life is too painful for me to go on. Down the road she is going to regret what she has done because she will never find another man that loves her as much as I do. Would gladly of taken a bullet to protect her life and walk through the gates of hell. She is so beautiful and precious and I just can't watch her marry another man someday.

This began in March and I've really tried to stick it out we talk on the phone all the time and have visits, we have sexual encounters and they are amazing. She still says that I am the most gifted man in that regard. Im going to still continue our friends with freaky time arrangement and try not to hurt myself. It's just so hard because we were gonna get married this summer, it's hard only seeing her a couple days a week if im lucky. Miss waking up and seeing her everyday and hate living in this studio apartment which is the size of a walk in closet.
 
Cosmic Charlie said:
she will never find another man that loves her as much as I do.
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I believe you.

You still have something very real. What I would not do to be able to be inside my ex-wife once more. To look into those intelligent blue eyes.

...

So yeah, Suicide. I just got out of the hospital which I was dragged to because I could not stop throwing up bile (got to remember the Dramamine next time). Oh, they adore me there. I live in a small town, and I have graced the halls of that ER three times in the past four months. I am not even in active use. All self-harm.

It is almost over, Cosmo. For me. Not for you. You are not getting off that easy... and you still have someone special to stay around for.

 
Just woke up from one of my classic nightmares about my children.

Now I am pissing blood. A lot of blood. Light headed. I feel numb.

I hope this is it. I do not want to be alive anymore.
 
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Okay. Straight Zolpidem did not work. Wasted a whole script. . Now whiskey and Alprazolam. It likely will not work either. I am going to have to take a walk. The bridge is 13 miles from here. 150ft. I would drive, but I do not want to risk getting caught in between.

I wish I had enough self-control to stock up.



I know, I am missing the point. I only want it to be over.
 
Okay. Tonight's attempt:

30 2mg Prazosin (cardiac med)
3mg Alprazolam (all I have)
20 600mg Gabapentin (mild CNS depressant from what I have read)
24mg Suboxone
1 bottle DXM (Grape flavored Delsym, yum yum)
1 pint Jack Daniels
2 tabs Dramamine (not expelling my mixture this time)

I am going to let this mixture build, not taking it all at once, ending with the Prazosin and DXM so I am able to be somewhat lucid with my attempt.

See you on the other side, my people... or see you tomorrow. I am not certain about this combination.
 
jackie jones said:
Okay. Tonight's attempt:

30 2mg Prazosin (cardiac med)
3mg Alprazolam (all I have)
20 600mg Gabapentin (mild CNS depressant from what I have read)
24mg Suboxone
1 bottle DXM (Grape flavored Delsym, yum yum)
1 pint Jack Daniels
2 tabs Dramamine (not expelling my mixture this time)

I am going to let this mixture build, not taking it all at once, ending with the Prazosin and DXM so I am able to be somewhat lucid with my attempt.

See you on the other side, my people... or see you tomorrow. I am not certain about this combination.
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Mate, please don't take all that. If what I read is true then it seems you're allowing another independent person's choices to determine your fate. Don't you think that's a bit of an illogical and self-defeating course of action? You always have the capacity to make new choices of your own that don't rely on other people at all (beyond just ending things). You also seem convinced that you'll never find other meaningful and worthwhile reasons to live outside the singular scope of that failed relationship?

From where I'm sitting, it thus appears as if you're ruminating solely within the suffocating confines of one very specific perspective on your life. Are there no other things that you think add (or could add) value to your existence and a reason to live?
 
I ruined him. I loved him and I hurt him and I didn't even know it. Now he refuses to talk to me and most likely never wants to see me again. He doesn't sleep properly or eat properly. I ruined him and I want to die for it. He deserved so much better than me. I still love him.
 
whats.kracken said:
I ruined him. I loved him and I hurt him and I didn't even know it. Now he refuses to talk to me and most likely never wants to see me again. He doesn't sleep properly or eat properly. I ruined him and I want to die for it. He deserved so much better than me. I still love him.
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Stop it, it's childish. You can't take your life because someone doesn't love you, it's mind blowing. As he already cut you off, find another soul. There's plenty out there, be careful about your actions -- you want to find someone who's already their best version -- not these Shakespeare types, it will lead you nowhere and since you posted in the Suicide Thread, I find it even worse because it's a temporary thought for a permanent action, leave him be and go on with your life. You're a butterfly.
 
Sometimes i wake up from dreams of deep trauma reliving those moments from a such long time ago in childhood, Even though i try not let it get to me and i have dealt with the pain the flashbacks that pop up so often in such vivid nightmares makes me wonder what kept me going all these years stare down a barrel of a gun and ask myself i can check out of this life anytime what drives me deep inside its been 9 years still i made a deliberate attempt but i have survived many close encounters with drug combo overdoses since then by accident.

Sometimes it just endless popping into my head i guess i am lucky i'm not super impulsive. Makes me try strive to fulfill my deep desires what i want to succeed in life its never too late i tell myself. I have traveled around the world fallen in love hustled hard lost it all gained it back dragged myself out of many holes and lost it again on and off again drug addictions.

Deep down in my soul i seek enlightenment or liberation from mundane life and suffering. Seen my life flash before my eyes to many times for my liking a constant reminder that it was me alone who fucked it up in the end. I could of done a lot of better but i let my pain control me.

I give myself at least a few weeks or month every time i get the serious thought and stare down that barrel to try change my life but its getting tiring after all these years of the same shit, I don't want to hurt those around me but i feel like sometimes they have never listened when i would reach out for help. So i can cut off all my attachments to life and try achieve final enlightenment and nirvana in the short moments before taking my own life. My minds grip on reality is slippery and on a good day still very far away from earth.

Whats crazy is the visions i had on my first trip of my countless deaths and a strong feeling that 2020 would do me in 16 years before the actual fact. I gave myself many chances but if fate has led to me to this point then within a few months i might take my last breath and just rest in the eternal nirvana and endless sleep and take my chances with god. Life long depression that comes in bouts and that was treatment resistance. Even resistant to the most powerful psychedelic experiences. If i'm destined to be born again hopefully its next century.

For now ill leave these thoughts be for a few weeks and weigh up options if i truly feel like i have no desire to see anymore of this world i believe its my right to check out. I been there and done many things and yet the only time i feel free is in the trip.
 
I did not die from the mixture, yet it did induce a proper blackout. I came to in a psychiatric facility.

I met the most wonderful girl there, and we were discharged at the same time. I have spent the last two nights kissing and cuddling a beautiful and intelligent woman.

How things come to be.
 
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