TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[Shady's Fox]

It's 2020 it's a shitty ass year, next year will be the same until November. Hopefully not and the pretzela nintnela goes back home maybe even do some dishes she sits there on her sunbed and she goes her way and we the other way. I want to say that you need to have self-control and never let your guard down. Think logical not emotional in order to achieve self-control aka ''Peaceful violence''.

 

[Flynnal]

Sure has been a shitty year, and I have a fear that it's about to get a whole lot shittier, well for me at least. I spoke to my GP and had a bit of a, should I say, "revelation"...a "revelation" that could mean I'm basically living on borrowed time, living on constant fear that if what I experienced in June this year ever happens again then I am basically doomed. I honestly cannot believe it. I cannot fucking believe it. I hope the issue is clarified soon and if it's as bad as I think it is then I'm also going to refer this to the HCCC as well. So now there won't be just one complaint, but there'll be now two. I can't believe a well respected ENT would stick up for that stupid fucking clown of a doctor who wouldn't take me seriously and who refused to do basic fucking tests nor give me the fucking steroids i needed to save my hearing as if it was so fucking hard why she would fight a common med that doctors give to patients all the time. If he backs her up, then I'm going to put him through the wringers too. I know what hearing problem I suffered, and it was sudden sensorineural hearing loss where I got very fucking lucky and my hearing came back. If it didn't I wouldn't fucking be here posting this shit. I don't fucking need anyone to tell me what happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did she want me dead or something? Does the END want me dead now, too? Wtf???!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!

Why was he more concerned about me seeing a psychiatrist and NOT preventing what created the need to see a psychiatrist in the first fucking place? If that Dr had given me the fucking medication I needed I wouldn't need to see a fucking psychiatrist.

I am so pissed off.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sure has been a shitty year, and I have a fear that it's about to get a whole lot shittier, well for me at least. I spoke to my GP and had a bit of a, should I say, "revelation"...a "revelation" that could mean I'm basically living on borrowed time, living on constant fear that if what I experienced in June this year ever happens again then I am basically doomed. I honestly cannot believe it. I cannot fucking believe it. I hope the issue is clarified soon and if it's as bad as I think it is then I'm also going to refer this to the HCCC as well. So now there won't be just one complaint, but there'll be now two. I can't believe a well respected ENT would stick up for that stupid fucking clown of a doctor who wouldn't take me seriously and who refused to do basic fucking tests nor give me the fucking steroids i needed to save my hearing as if it was so fucking hard why she would fight a common med that doctors give to patients all the time. If he backs her up, then I'm going to put him through the wringers too. I know what hearing problem I suffered, and it was sudden sensorineural hearing loss where I got very fucking lucky and my hearing came back. If it didn't I wouldn't fucking be here posting this shit. I don't fucking need anyone to tell me what happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did she want me dead or something? Does the END want me dead now, too? Wtf???!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!

Why was he more concerned about me seeing a psychiatrist and NOT preventing what created the need to see a psychiatrist in the first fucking place? If that Dr had given me the fucking medication I needed I wouldn't need to see a fucking psychiatrist.

I am so pissed off.

Why do you think you're on borrowed time?

 

[Flynnal]

Why do you think you're on borrowed time?

Because if what happened to me at Wyong ED happened again and I ended up losing my hearing because the doctor looked at medical records, saw the stuff written by the ENT (if I think it's what was written, I haven't confirmed yet, this will be clarified hopefully this week) and denied me the steroids I needed to save my hearing, then I would not accept such a loss.

It's really simple when you think about it, even though at first it appears complex.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Because if what happened to me at Wyong ED happened again and I ended up losing my hearing because the doctor looked at medical records, saw the stuff written by the ENT (if I think it's what was written, I haven't confirmed yet, this will be clarified hopefully this week) and denied me the steroids I needed to save my hearing, then I would not accept such a loss.

It's really simple when you think about it, even though at first it appears complex.

Why are you going deaf, and why would you kill yourself if you went deaf? And steroids makes it so you don't go deaf? Sorry, a lot of questions but just trying to figure out what you're talking about. Maybe if you elaborated a bit someone might have some advice.

 

[Flynnal]

Why are you going deaf, and why would you kill yourself if you went deaf? And steroids makes it so you don't go deaf? Sorry, a lot of questions but just trying to figure out what you're talking about. Maybe if you elaborated a bit someone might have some advice.

Okay, maybe you misunderstood. If you want a better idea of what happened, read this thread:

Scared - My story...

This horrid nightmare began on the morning 26th June when I woke up with what seemed like a blocked right ear and some mild nausea. I tried to pop my ears as usual by drinking a glass of water and that didn't help. I noticed there was a ringing when I heard any sound coming through that ear. I...

www.bluelight.org

and why would you kill yourself if you went deaf? And steroids makes it so you don't go deaf?

I know of a 22 year old woman who killed herself because someone made an inappropriate comment about her. Why would a woman kill herself over an inappropriate sexual comment? You tell me. Behind every suicide is a story and it's usually a heartbreaking one. It turns out she was depressed and suffered from anorexia.

As for my story, I was not going to accept a life sentence because some arrogant doctor had too much of an ego problem to give me the medication I urgently needed. Like the woman above, I also suffer from depression and anxiety. Music is probably the only thing that keeps me sane. And some arrogant cunt of a doctor wants to take that away from me? Over my dead body.

Steroids can save your hearing if you suffer SSNHL. Look it up if you don't believe me.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Having a parent with BPD is so hard, they get hot and then cold, and I am getting tired of it.

I didn’t ask you to offer to come do all my house cleaning or anything, you offer and then yell at me for it.

Like why is she burning herself out and not accepting no for an answer? Is it so she can yell at me?

Most people I have told about the situation say that she just wants me to be miserable like her...I can’t take it anymore

My father was a gay, alcoholic, polysubstance abusing psychiatrist with BPD. I can truly sympathize with you.
His moods changed constantly. He would call me at work crying and ask me to come over. Other times I would pick up the phone and hear, “Buy me vodka!” and he’d hang up.
I put him in an inpatient rehab and a few days later, in the middle of the night I got an angry phone call from him that started with, “Listen up, loving daughter!” He’d escaped the Rehab and borrowed a phone from some random person and I had to go get him. He was up, and he wanted to hang out. We’d go to Gay Brunch with the boys, then a few days later he’d call me to tell me how many different pills he’d just taken. I’d call 911 and I drove over there. He’d cry and say “I don’t really want to die!”
Then there was the day I came over. It was after Christmas but the decorations had not yet been taken down and the pine tree made his house smell wonderful. I went upstairs to find him watching gay porn while he was dressed like a sailor, wearing white pants, a light blue wind breaker, deck shoes and a captain’s hat that now laid by his side. He didn’t acknowledge me. He finally exited this world and the way he did it was perfect, not messy and painless. In his room were all sorts of notes to me.
The odd thing, well this is just one odd thing, there were many odd things, he was a whizz at all things to do with computers. He set up some emails so that I would get them at certain intervals after his death. I was at work when I got the 2 weeks post mortem email. It really fucked with my head. But it also gave me the strength to finally leave my abusive husband.
I miss you Dad.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Yea, my Mom is just very hard to deal with, especially anytime I want to do something for myself, like go to school.

Is your mom on any sort of medication to manage her symptoms? My dad had medication but he’d say “Fuck it, I don’t like how I feel when I take it!” Luckily I knew his psychiatrist quite well and could call her on her cell 24/7.
If I were in your shoes, I would get to know her psychiatrist and get a phone number to reach her, or a psychiatrist who’s on call for her, in case your mom gets dangerously manic or super depressed. My dad would go to a casino and get a hotel room and just play stupid slot machines that were like $5/spin when he was manic.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

This sounds like a bad situation. Does she have a primary care doctor that you might be able to call and voice your concerns to?
Also, I’m not sure of your age, but I gather you live at home with her. This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for you. Can you move? Could you live with your dad for awhile? It sounds like your mom needs some professional help.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I have to say I’m very impressed by your ability to go to school, live independently and have a job. I’m very close to a high functioning 20 year old girl with autism and she has a lot of difficulty interacting with people due to difficulties with interpreting facial expressions and social cues. It’s wonderful that you are so involved and busy.

 

[Ds]

@Audiobook

You know I have wondered the same, can't seem to find a chick that has a job and isn't currently on hard drugs(unless they are like serious about their recovery).
I feel you on the chubby thing, I am on the chubby side too, and I have like really long fucking hair. So I swap between is it because i'm a little on the heavy side or is it bc i have long hair.
I've been on a few dates and twice she ended up going to pee and never coming back, and would ghost me. So I usually would go back to my crib and literally cry.
That shit would float through my head, and leave me really upset.
I know that someday fate will pair me with someone that is special, that won't give a damn if i am chubby or have long hair.

 

[cosmic charlie]

I'd been throwing up for the last couple days Audiobook and I'm finally getting past it right now. Their was a large amount of blood in all the vomit and I'm deeply scared. To the point I'm getting clean now and going to AA tommorow. My addiction is out of control and I need to start taking some steps toward helping myself. Was feeling suicidal alot this year but after having this bloody puke situation I realize how much I wanna be alive, I'm not ready to die yet and I'm sure you aren't either.

 

[Flynnal]

I just want to not be depressed and fucking autistic, I hate having aspergers and I wish I would just not wake up one day.

I understand. I have the same problem and want to die as well sometimes. My recent trauma has more or less ruined my mental health for quite some time...not sure if it will ever get better or if I just integrate this trauma into my life and ignore it like other stuff...but it's damn hard.

 

[Ds]

I find myself looking at obituaries of old friends at times. People whom were close to me at one time or another. Kind of depressing shit. It's like I try and look for them knowing that they have passed on. A huge majority of my old friends died from overdoses, and almost as clear as day I reflect back to a time when I am with them getting high, or a memory of us doing something.
Not 100% why I do this.
Can anyone relate?

 

[Shady's Fox]

I find myself looking at obituaries of old friends at times. People whom were close to me at one time or another. Kind of depressing shit. It's like I try and look for them knowing that they have passed on. A huge majority of my old friends died from overdoses, and almost as clear as day I reflect back to a time when I am with them getting high, or a memory of us doing something.
Not 100% why I do this.
Can anyone relate?

You have to be careful where you post man, this thread it's for suicide only. I don't think what you described feels like suicidal thoughts but more of temporary blues.

 

[cosmic charlie]

I find myself looking at obituaries of old friends at times. People whom were close to me at one time or another. Kind of depressing shit. It's like I try and look for them knowing that they have passed on. A huge majority of my old friends died from overdoses, and almost as clear as day I reflect back to a time when I am with them getting high, or a memory of us doing something.
Not 100% why I do this.
Can anyone relate?

Well not obituaries but I spent a few hours looking through Shrine threads tonight and feeling pretty sad honestly. It's been very difficult week and I've been wondering why I'm still alive when so many of us have fallen. I'm trying really hard to snap myself out of this depressed state and try and feel grateful. Sometimes I just feel so tired of this life and my addiction it's such a burden. People just don't get it unless they have been thru it, sometimes I feel like my death will be a relief and I won't have to struggle anymore.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Well not obituaries but I spent a few hours looking through Shrine threads tonight and feeling pretty sad honestly. It's been very difficult week and I've been wondering why I'm still alive when so many of us have fallen. I'm trying really hard to snap myself out of this depressed state and try and feel grateful. Sometimes I just feel so tired of this life and my addiction it's such a burden. People just don't get it unless they have been thru it, sometimes I feel like my death will be a relief and I won't have to struggle anymore.

I often meditate about meaning of life philosophy. Life doesn't have to have a meaning for us to enjoy it. Imagine all the frustration you're feeling is just energy that you can use as power to change. You don't have to immediately get clean, but use the power to change to be who you want to be. I know you're a really hard worker and put in a lot of effort into you who you are as a person and seem like an amazing guy. Keep that up, take time to relax and enjoy what you're doing. If you need help with addiction, get help. There's a lot of people who care.

 

[sewerslide.666mg]

I often meditate about meaning of life philosophy. Life doesn't have to have a meaning for us to enjoy it. Imagine all the frustration you're feeling is just energy that you can use as power to change. You don't have to immediately get clean, but use the power to change to be who you want to be. I know you're a really hard worker and put in a lot of effort into you who you are as a person and seem like an amazing guy. Keep that up, take time to relax and enjoy what you're doing. If you need help with addiction, get help. There's a lot of people who care.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

Hang in their Charlie, Your a lovely soul we need more good people in this world. Sending you love depression is a hard thing to deal with.

 

[cosmic charlie]

Struggling badly, feeling so depressed and thinking about suicide alot today. Still staying away from the alcohol and hard drugs. Just went to the smoke shop and bought a couple eighths of CBD flower and smoked a joint just now feel a little better but I'm still in a dark place. I miss my love so badly but she just doesn't feel the same way as me and it sucks. I'm so happy when I am with her I laugh and I smile, I will never forgave myself for fucking things up. Honestly don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to do this for I just can't find joy in anything. Completely off Psych Meds now also and I can't afford to see a doctor, this is bad.