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The Suicide Support Thread

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modelskinny said:
trying to get these thoughts out of my head.
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hun you can do it! You are a beautiful young woman and a lot of people love you. I am not sure what you are going through but I know you'll get passed this. <3
 
^Growing old has quite a few negatives that can't be denied but one of the positives for me has been reaching a stage in life where it is easy to forgive myself mistakes that I made when I was younger. The reason it is easier? 1) I found that the obstacles those mistakes created often redirected my life in ways I am now grateful for, 2) the mistakes were often my best teachers as the cliché said they would be and 3) I realized that accepting myself was way more pleasurable than hating myself which was getting damned exhausting!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm sending a lot of love to everyone struggling tonight.
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Yeah me too.
My earlier post up the page was while I was under the influence so it just brought what I was feeling out of me and into here. So whoever has read it disregard it completely.
(Food really does taste good though that's a reason in itself to live), now how fucked up is it that there's people on this godforsaken planet who have no food to eat?

I wish all our minds were connected like in the Avatar film so we could literally send eachother positive energy. Unfortunately it isn't time for that yet.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
^ you're always welcome to PM me.

Life isn't getting much better for me aside from me being 58 days off buprenorphine.

But I guess I am allowing myself to feel good about this so I am proud of myself.
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Thanks man. I just am having a really rough time right now. The stress that has been dropped on me this month is easily enough to fill an entire year. I can't guarantee that I'll be alive much longer if my disability hearing doesn't go well. Its almost a guarantee at this point that I'll throw in the towel if things go south. I've been through too much to have what little I have left taken from me.

Congrats on being off bupe. That's huge man!
 
Damn Kat, I hate that feeling and sometimes start thinking if one more fucked up thing happens I'm going to lose it. But we can't give up because we are all here for some reason, havn't figured everything out yet. Hope your hearing goes well and sending you positive vibes! ((<3))
 
I've reached a breaking point. I'm at work now. When I get home I'm gonna tell my mother to not put the police after me and not worry. I'm just gonna go away. It's either that or suicide.

Has anyone ever done that?
 
Kat, I hope your hearing goes well. Dealing with the powers that be when you are dependent on disability can be horrible. Even if it doesn't go well though, there may be other options that open up. Keep talking to people here on BL and maybe some different options will surface (like private charities help that you didn't know about before?) I think the best thing to do when under the stress of huge unknowns is to try to take everything one breath at a time. When you feel yourself getting physically wound up to the breaking point with worry, try to let go out the thoughts and breath. Much of what is happening is completely out of your hands and that never feels good.<3

@CH--your strength just keeps getting more solid.<3

edit: @ puking: When dying is the only way out in your mind, changing everything is a far better alternative. Do you have a place to go? What do you need to get away from? Sometimes it can help and sometimes makes things worse so it is a delicate decision. If you want to PM me, I'm here for about an hour or so.
 
herbavore said:
edit: @ puking: When dying is the only way out in your mind, changing everything is a far better alternative. Do you have a place to go? What do you need to get away from? Sometimes it can help and sometimes makes things worse so it is a delicate decision. If you want to PM me, I'm here for about an hour or so.
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When I wrote that post I was under the idea that I, again, had made another stupid mistake at work due to not paying attention. Well, I'm still at work now and after a call to a superior I found out that, in fact, I didn't make the worst mistake (the most stupid one). My rush to just run away is postponed, for now. Thanks for reaching out to me anyway.
 
T. Calderone said:
Damn Kat, I hate that feeling and sometimes start thinking if one more fucked up thing happens I'm going to lose it. But we can't give up because we are all here for some reason, havn't figured everything out yet. Hope your hearing goes well and sending you positive vibes! ((<3))
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Thanks. I'm just frustrated. I've struggled with debilitating anxiety since all the way back to 2004, continued to work while trying tons of different meds (with no success other than benzos), finally became permanently disabled in 2010 (agoraphobia set in) and I've been fighting disability since. We have such a strong case this time around that I'll be shocked if we don't win at the hearing (6 doctors including BOTH of the doctors Social Security sent me to have found me to be bipolar (although none of them can agree on I or II), anxious (with all but the most recent diagnosing me with panic disorder and agoraphobia), and completely unable to work because I can't handle stress including a Global Assessment of Function score of 40 (severely impaired to say the least) but its crunch time... Hearing is in 9 day and my attorneys JUST got the records updated with social security. They dropped the ball big time and its gotten me stressed. That seems to be the theme - everyone else fucks up and it causes ME to have extra stress. *sigh*

puking said:
I've reached a breaking point. I'm at work now. When I get home I'm gonna tell my mother to not put the police after me and not worry. I'm just gonna go away. It's either that or suicide.

Has anyone ever done that?
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I have thought about it. Circumstances usually make the decision for me though and whenever I'm considering such things, I end up becoming homeless in short order and forced to pick up and start over. This most recent move I just did on the first is my 13th move since November of 2009...

puking said:
When I wrote that post I was under the idea that I, again, had made another stupid mistake at work due to not paying attention. Well, I'm still at work now and after a call to a superior I found out that, in fact, I didn't make the worst mistake (the most stupid one). My rush to just run away is postponed, for now. Thanks for reaching out to me anyway.
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Glad to hear that it all worked out. Impulsivity rarely pays off. As you can see now I'm sure. :)

herbavore said:
Kat, I hope your hearing goes well. Dealing with the powers that be when you are dependent on disability can be horrible. Even if it doesn't go well though, there may be other options that open up. Keep talking to people here on BL and maybe some different options will surface (like private charities help that you didn't know about before?) I think the best thing to do when under the stress of huge unknowns is to try to take everything one breath at a time. When you feel yourself getting physically wound up to the breaking point with worry, try to let go out the thoughts and breath. Much of what is happening is completely out of your hands and that never feels good.<3
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I think that my problem is the fact that my life has been pretty much completely out of my hands since 2009 and I'm tired of it. I'm like a caged lion... And that's never a good thing.

I saw my psychiatrist today and finally agreed to a mood stabilizer. Hopefully it helps. I hate taking meds though. UGH!
 
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