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The Suicide Support Thread

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I just paid for a 5 day supply of it to keep off of opiates but Ultram/tramadol has caused me bad withdrawals even worse than heroin and vicoden so I am trying it and felt like i had the flu too so i didnt take one today and took my tramadol for pain so in my mind i had a relapse even though its non narcotic it is opiate based it said. I am feeling alittle better since taking the tramadol and not the suboxone. My medicaid didnt pay for the suboxine nor the pain patches so im screwed as far as staying on suboxone so I may as well keep using the other shit i guess for pain i just need someone to baby sit my pills for me i guess.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Severely; I'm not doing the best myself but I'm making what I can out of this life. Want to PM me?
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I want to man. I really do. But I really just feel so hopeless like nothing matters anymore. I drove over a huge bridge today and there wasn't any traffic i had a freaky vision I stopped the car and jumped. Then I started crying like a bitch. I think when I get paid I'm just going to OD if this doesn't change. My direct deposit comes in tonight, 2 weeks pay . Falling back into old addictions and whatnot. I can't handle it anymore. I was doing so great too.

Congrats tho man you've come quite a way and if you PM me i can't ignore you buddy.
 
severely etarded said:
I want to man. I really do. But I really just feel so hopeless like nothing matters anymore. I drove over a huge bridge today and there wasn't any traffic i had a freaky vision I stopped the car and jumped. Then I started crying like a bitch. I think when I get paid I'm just going to OD if this doesn't change. My direct deposit comes in tonight, 2 weeks pay . Falling back into old addictions and whatnot. I can't handle it anymore. I was doing so great too.

Congrats tho man you've come quite a way and if you PM me i can't ignore you buddy.
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You're an amazing guy; never give up on yourself. Sure, I still make mistakes - I've made too many of them and I continue to make them... but we are worth always giving ourselves forgiveness and another chance. :)

You're always welcome to PM me. I'll be here.
 
^I agree, severely etarded. I know that relapsing into old habits must make you feel terrible but you are worth your own compassion. Don't be hard on yourself--be tough, but not hard. It's a weird distinction but I think it matters. Being tough means being honest, not being in denial about what you are doing, (you already are doing this) but being hard on yourself means buying into the shame. You and the captain both are amazing guys that have dealt with so much hardship--more than many can even imagine. When it looks the bleakest, just take it in smaller bites and try to find something to love just in this minute, then move on to the next minute with a little more juice in your reserve. I was feeling really down the other night and I went out walking and there were crows all over the place. I had just seen this video about how they can problem-solve and use tools etc and I started thinking about the conversations they might be having that just sounded like an obnoxious bunch of cawing. It was insignificant but it changed my whole mood. There is a huge untapped power in just appreciating some little thing around you. It sounds trite but I think there is medicine in it. (((<3)))
 
serenity_seeker said:
Is there a chat site or just blogs?
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There's not an official chat associated with Bluelight, but there are many social threads in TDS and across the board that are pretty darn chatty! =D Stick around and check some of them out, we don't bite. <3
 
there's been an old trazodone script of my mom's in the cupboard for a while now.... totally full script.... that was my suicide plan if i ever did it.... today i asked my mother to throw it out.... told her straight up why and what i had thought of doing with it.... sort of a big step for me i think....
 
^That's a huuuuuge step. I'm so proud of you for doing that, tnw. :) Congratulations! <3
 
severely etarded said:
I really hate life... I live everyday like it's my last yet.. here i am. Lonelier than ever. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison.
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This. Said perfectly. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

My pursuit is off-track by a few thousand miles. I don't even know what road I walk these days. The interstate to nowhere. I've stopped my suicidal behavior because despite dozens of failed attempts, I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot kill myself using traditional methods. For some reason I cannot be the one to end my life, so I've accepted that and am trying to do the best with what I'm given, but I still feel the empty black hole void inside me where Happiness and Love used to thrive and filled that void, made me Free and Alive. I feel trapped too. Lonely as hell, even in a room full of people.

Depressed as fuck and I ruined my longest time off opioids since I can remember, I made it over 30 days, then I stopped counting and relapsed <snip> and I just am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I miss the inspiration and carefree sensation of being in a long-term relationship that built my character to the man I am today, and in kind, when it ended, I was ruined. Codependent as fuck I guess, I've just always wished for unconditional love. I had it, I blew it, I lost it. Makes me wonder all the time about stuff like "You don't know what you had til it's gone" and "Is it better to have love lost or to have never loved at all?". My friend Julian (XXXYYY) just died, I was really close to him and his death has taken a big toll on my stability and wellbeing.

<snip>
 
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Captain.Heroin said:
I really hope you make it through how you're feeling man; you're a great person.
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I just don't see the light at the end of my tunnel. The only thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge last night was that people are depending on me for so many things . It's messed up man I OD'd yesterday but I still lived (un)fortunately. Been doing so many drugs even at work.. and my job is great it's just boring as fuck.
 
tricomb said:
This. Said perfectly. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

My pursuit is off-track by a few thousand miles. I don't even know what road I walk these days. The interstate to nowhere. I've stopped my suicidal behavior because despite dozens of failed attempts, I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot kill myself using traditional methods. For some reason I cannot be the one to end my life, so I've accepted that and am trying to do the best with what I'm given, but I still feel the empty black hole void inside me where Happiness and Love used to thrive and filled that void, made me Free and Alive. I feel trapped too. Lonely as hell, even in a room full of people.

Depressed as fuck and I ruined my longest time off opioids since I can remember, I made it over 30 days, then I stopped counting and relapsed <snip> and I just am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I miss the inspiration and carefree sensation of being in a long-term relationship that built my character to the man I am today, and in kind, when it ended, I was ruined. Codependent as fuck I guess, I've just always wished for unconditional love. I had it, I blew it, I lost it. Makes me wonder all the time about stuff like "You don't know what you had til it's gone" and "Is it better to have love lost or to have never loved at all?". My friend Julian (XXXYYY) just died, I was really close to him and his death has taken a big toll on my stability and wellbeing.

<snip>
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Too bad we don't live closer homie I wish I knew somebody more personally who understood my pain man I know EXACTLY what you mean. Valentine's was hell. I can't seem to form any kind of relationship anymore i don't even do opiates anymore but I probably should because the pain of repeatedly failing is killing me and my confidence which is causing a downward spin of pain and misery because the less confidence I have the harder it is to form a relationship. Then when I fail again my confidence drops more if I don't break out of this cycle soon I might as well go sell my ass on the street for opiates to forget how much I miss the feeling of intimacy.
 
se <3 Love will find it's way to you. It comes unexpectedly for the most part It's not like you can will someone to love you. But work, hobbys that involve others, even the internet sometimes bring people together. Don't give up hope that there isn't someone out there for you.

I met the love of my life on Bluelight over 4 years ago and we're still together since. It was unexpected and something neither of is were looking for at the time, but similar interests and everything lining up correctly (I guess) made it happen.

I'm not saying look for your lover on BL, I'm just saying that there are infinite ways in which to meet someone you could love without even expecting to. <3 Keep your head up.
 
Allein said:
What's up?
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I am not my own. I am a thoughtless, senseless node of a malevolent network. The only way to establish control of my life would be to take it myself, as opposed to letting external influence take it. I'm excited to die soon.
 
Kota said:
I am not my own. I am a thoughtless, senseless node of a malevolent network. The only way to establish control of my life would be to take it myself, as opposed to letting external influence take it. I'm excited to die soon.
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I'm saddened to read that Kota, I haven't drawn such firm conclusions about my existence but I'm not a subscriber to the good vs evil thing. If there is a bigger picture I don't believe we can fully comprehend it this time around.

I think you should consider if these thoughts might be at least partly a result of your current state of mind, ending your life doesn't sound like a way to take control of anything to me.

Give yourself sometime to find a better place, you may find your view of things is very different, take care<3
 
I felt awful this morning and I thought of all my friends who are gone. They would want me to be here. I wish I felt that way.

I am grieving really hard and I wish I could let go of this loss.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I felt awful this morning and I thought of all my friends who are gone. They would want me to be here. I wish I felt that way.

I am grieving really hard and I wish I could let go of this loss.
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Aw CH <3 you know I'm here for you.
 
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